A rabbit throwing a tantrum and me babbling endlessly ... You decide whats more entertaining.

Oh my god, it's FREAKING HOT.

We hit 38 Saturday, 40 yesterday, 40 today, and we're going to hit 40 again tomorrow.

Stepping outside for 5 minutes ensures you sweat for the next 20, even if you're straight back inside.

New Years Eve today ... Everyone keeps asking me what I'm up to tonight ... Uhh, nothing :-) Are you kidding me?! It's way too hot to do anything. I can't be stuffed! And to be honest, I'd rather chill at home ...Watching a dvd or hanging out with some friends ... Or just sitting in front of the air conditioner :-)

I think my air conditioner is getting cranky ... It was on all last night, and all today, and it's been acting funny - keeps cutting out a little, going slower. I might have to turn it off tonight for a while.

Not much news from here ... I actually haven't been to work since Friday. Yes, I had Saturday, Sunday and Monday off, and I've also got tomorrow off. I go back on Wednesday for 5 days. There was nothing in the Addy on Saturday, job-wise. Oh well, I'll keep looking and just stick it out until I get something new.

I got Buckley a new toy the other day ... He has a love/hate relationship with it. He loves to play with it, but it frustrates the hell out him. Earlier today he got so annoyed he dumped it in his water container ... :-) I also got him a leash, so he can go in the front yard and eat the grass sometimes. I took him out for a while last night, but it was kind of hot so he didn't get to stay out there long.

The new tablets the doctor started me on? The strong painkillers I'm meant to take at night, because they make you drowsy and able to get an excellent, proper nights sleep? Yeah, they did ... The exact opposite for me. Friday night I took one. I didn't get to sleep until 6 a.m. Saturday morning. I was just wide awake. Saturday night I took one. I didn't get to sleep until 4 a.m. Sunday morning. So yesterday I took one at lunchtime. I SLEPT LAST NIGHT! *lol* It was great. So from now on I'll start taking them in the morning/at lunch time, that's mainly when I get the worst pain anyway.

What else can I go on about? I don't think I have much else ...I dog-sat Jersey today. All in all it went pretty well. Nothing major destroyed, he didn't poop, or pee, anywhere in my house, and we had fun chilling out. I think I'm going to pick him up tomorrow and bring him around here for a while as well, it's too hot for him in Christine's house during the day. She leaves the back door open so he can go outside, but that means that the air conditioner can't be on all day.

Buckley is throwing a little tanty. I just put him back in his cage, because he went to pee on the floor. So now he's throwing around all his toys. Very mature!

Anyway, I might go have a nice, cold bath. Did I mention that it's FREAKING HOT HERE?!

Happy New Year, guys. Peace out!

So, I know I haven't really done a proper entry in a while.

Last week, I was in a total funk. Partly because I lost a friend, and partly because it was just one of those weeks where everything was wrong, you know? I was bummed about everything, I was sick of everything, I didn't want to be rational, I just wanted to be pissed off at the world. (By the way, to those who read the original 'Death is forever ...' entry ... You'll noticed that I edited it. Usually I don't, but it was a little full on, a little too angry. Sorry if you read it.)

Anyway ...

Christmas was nice. Got to spend some time with my little man, Jordyn, and I taught him how to play cricket. I got him this Thomas the Tank thing for Christmas, next time I'll be looking properly at the box (I was in a hurry!) because it took me for-freaking-ever to set the stupid thing up! By the time I'd set it up, Jordyn had already lost interest, and had moved on to his Shrek tent, which mum and dad got him! I scored some cool stuff, some clothes, Scrubs, season 5, a Sanity gift card, which I used to buy Season 6, a book that I really wanted, some bath stuff, and some other little stuff. Good haul!

I got back to Bendigo Boxing Day night, it was pretty cool. My brother's an arse, and I hated having him in the same house as me, but oh well. I got to see my little man, so that's all that matters to me.

Went back to work yesterday. Have started looking for a new job. I like the people I'm working with (mostly). I like the work (mostly). But lately ... I'm miserable there. I was so depressed at the thought of having to go there yesterday morning. I worked half a day today, but came home because my back was hurting really badly. I went to the doctor, he gave me some Tramadal (? spelling ?) which is a nice, strong painkiller, and another, stronger anti-inflamatory. My boss just rang and said I could have tomorrow off, and even though I think I'll be fine, I didn't argue with her. I'm just so sick of that place. I really, really don't want to go back there. So I'm hoping to get a new job ... Soon.

Other news from here ... Buckley went home with for Christmas. I don't think he liked the car! He was on the bed before, trying to sneak up on the curtains. Talk about funny! They kept moving because of the fan. I think he's going through a stage, because he's chewing on everything. He's destroyed my mobile phone charger, a doona, the extenstion cord attached to the tv cord (you should have seen me yelling when I thought it was the tv cord!!!) and he's currently trying to chew holes in the spare room single bed matress. Ahh, what a darling.

I think that's about it ... I'll probably do some kind of entry tomorrow since I have the day off, and I don't have to go to that hellhole known as my workplace. I think I'll spend most of the day jobhunting though. Have a good night, guys. Peace out.

Merry

Christmas!

Night Before Christmas ... Aussie Style

'Twas the night before Christmas; there wasn't a sound.

Not a possum was stirring; no-one was around.

We'd left on the table some tucker and beer,

Hoping that Santa Claus soon would be here;

We children were snuggled up safe in our beds,

While dreams of pavlova danced 'round in our heads;

And Mum in her nightie, and Dad in his shorts,

Had just settled down to watch TV sports.

When outside the house a mad ruckus arose;

Loud squeaking and banging woke us from our doze.

We ran to the screen door, peeked cautiously out,

snuck onto the deck, then let out a shout.

Guess what had woken us up from our snooze,

But a rusty old Ute pulled by eight mighty 'roos.

The cheerful man driving was giggling with glee,

And we both knew at once who this plump bloke must be.

Now, I'm telling the truth it's all dinki-di,

Those eight kangaroos fairly soared through the sky.

Santa leaned out the window to pull at the reins,

And encouraged the 'roos, by calling their names.

'Now, Kylie! Now, Kirsty! Now, Shazza and Shane!

On Kipper! On, Skipper! On, Bazza and Wayne!

Park up on that water tank. Grab a quick drink,

I'll scoot down the gum tree. Be back in a wink!'

So up to the tank those eight kangaroos flew,

With the Ute full of toys, and Santa Claus too.

He slid down the gum tree and jumped to the ground,

Then in through the window he sprang with a bound.

He had bright sunburned cheeks and a milky white beard.

A jolly old joker was how he appeared.

He wore red stubby shorts and old thongs on his feet,

And a hat of deep crimson as shade from the heat.

His eyes - bright as opals - Oh! How they twinkled!

And, like a goanna, his skin was quite wrinkled!

His shirt was stretched over a round bulging belly

Which shook when he moved, like a plate full of jelly.

A fat stack of prezzies he flung from his back,

And he looked like a swaggie unfastening his pack.

He spoke not a word, but bent down on one knee,

To position our goodies beneath the yule tree.

Surfboard and footy-ball shapes for us two.

And for Dad, tongs to use on the new barbeque.

A mysterious package he left for our Mum,

Then he turned and he winked and he held up his thumb;

He strolled out on deck and his 'roos came on cue;

Flung his sack in the back and prepared to shoot through.

He bellowed out loud as they swooped past the gates-

'MERRY CHRISTMAS to all, and goodonya, MATES!'

The Ghost of Christmas (Eve) Past

Christmas Eve, 2001:
I spend the whole day packing and getting organised. On Boxing Day, my cousin and I are heading to Queensland for 10 days. Of course, on Christmas Day I get lots of presents I want to take with me to QLD, so I have to unpack and re-pack everything Christmas night.

Christmas Eve, 2004:
I meet for the very first time, my beautiful nephew, Jordyn Leigh, on Christmas Eve 2004. We spend almost three hours out the back, all together as a family, talking and chilling out before everyone heads to bed for the big day. Jordyn's almost three weeks old, and sleeps through most of his first Christmas - including Christmas lunch when he sleeps in his pram as we eat - with everyone stealing glances at him every few minutes to see what he's doing!

Christmas Eve 2005 and 2006:
By Christmas Eve, I'm exhausted. Doing 12 hour days at Safeway, including Christmas Eve when I start at 4 a.m. and don't stop until 4 p.m. It won't be any surprise to anyone to learn that I was in bed about 8 o'clock last Christmas Eve, will it?

Christmas Eve, 2007:
What's that? I don't start work until 11 a.m. on Christmas Eve ... Wow. Massive sleep in to someone who's used to getting up at 3 a.m. on Christmas Eve! I ended up 'sleeping in' until 7. Score! Did the last of my Christmas shopping this morning, then headed to work. Work was a lot busier than I thought it would be, but nowhere close to the madness of Safeway. I was finished at 5:30, went home to grab my stuff and pack up the car, then headed to Kerang just before 7. Got here at 8:30, and don't think I'll last too much longer before I fall into bed ... :-)

"Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you?"
"Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you?"

Death is forever.

That's kind of obvious, isn't it. You can't die tomorrow, and come back next week. It's permanent. The people you love, the people who love you, will never see you again, should you die today.

I often wonder if people who kill themselves think it through. I mean really think it through. Because it's so permanent. Yes, death is a way to escape the pain of whatever you might be going through, but you can't come back once you change your mind about it. You can't give it a few weeks and say "Oh, I think I might go back to being alive again now".

It's for-fucking-ever.

Oh, Mick.

Why?

The rumours are true. Yes, I am a superhero.

So, yesterday was a crappy day at work. Really awful. Copped abuse from two customers (the first one nearly had me in tears, and the second one had me wanting to scream "I didn't come to work to be abused by arseholes!"). It was just nuts. The good news is my boss had my back, and was right there both times, giving back as good as they gave to me.

Anyway. Moving on.

After work, I stopped at Safeway. My whole day turned around, seriously. I was so happy, no I was *flat-out delighted*, to find giant plastic candy canes. Nothing is bad in the world when you've got a giant candy cane!

So I got two, and tucked them under my arm, to continue my shopping.

A couple of minutes later, I went to turn around to look at something, and nearly, very, very nearly, took out an old lady, who was innocently shopping, not realising the danger she was almost in!

BUT! I saved the day! I stopped short, saving Grandma from disaster, averting a tragedy (or a broken hip), casually made sure no one had seen the incident ... And took off.

I SAVED THAT OLD LADY'S LIFE!

Now, some may say that it was my fault. To those people I say ... Pfft. Let's not get caught up in details, people. Ok? The fact of the matter is, I SAVED her! It may have been my fault, but the point is ... I averted disaster!

Grandma, enjoy your Christmas with both hips and all bones intact ... It's all thanks to me!


P.S. When I got home, I may have been waving around a giant candy cane, dancing like a dork ... And I may have taken out everything that was on my bench. I may have broken a photo frame, and knocked myself in the head with the giant candy cane ... But I refuse to confirm or deny that!

Seriously, would it kill you to have a Shrek bandaid for me?

Captain Skitzoid (a.k.a Buckley) is trying to escape his ears ... Sadly he doesn't realise they're attached to his head, which is what makes it hilarious to watch ... Keeps jumping up in the air, as if that'll confuse his ears, who will stay on the bed when he jumps ... Hahaha ... He's getting very pissed off that his ears keep following him ... What's even funnier? He does this about 4 times a day. Yep. That's one intelligent rabbit I've got ...

I've got nothing much to say ... I just want to go on the record and say that Christine, it's your fault I'm in pain right now. If you'd had a Shrek bandaid for after my needle, my arm wouldn't be aching! *lol* Yes folks, that's right ... The biggest baby in the world had a needle today. I think I did ok (other than stalling for as long as I could to put it off, then shrieking "Get it out! GET IT OUT OF ME! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GET IT OUT OF ME RIGHT THIS SECOND!"). Yup, I did it with dignity, and grace, and was amazingly brave ... Was that a snort of disbelief I heard from Christine's direction?

So sue me. I'm afraid of needles. Terrified, actually. I don't so much care about the pain (and really, what's painful about a needle? Generally it's just a little prick) I just freak out when there's a needle in me. A metal thingy in my arm or leg. Dear god, even THINKING about it is enough to make me almost scream in terror. I seriously can't handle that feeling. Argh. What if it breaks off? It's unnatural, having something sticking in you, oh god ...

Ok, thinking about something else now ... Anything else. Anything at all.

I drove home to my parents today (before Christine tortured me), which was a pretty cool day trip. Got some good grub for lunch, hung out with mum for a while, then turned around and came back to Bendigo. :-) All good.

You know what, I think that's about it. I got nothin else! I think I might head to bed, since I go back to that 'work' thing tomorrow ... Peace out guys :-)

So, Friday was a looooong day at work. Really long. Bit busy in the afternoon, then it was dead. Got out on time, which was awesome, coz that rarely happens. Anyway, I get home to find my new license in the mail. It wasn't until then that I realised that all week, I'd been driving around with an expired license. That little piece of paper VicRoads give you just incase your new license doesn't turn up before your old one expires? Well, I'd put that safely on the fridge (so I wouldn't lose it!), meaning to put it in my wallet after my license expired ... but I forgot. Oh well, no harm, no foul!

I really thought that we were safe, that the troublemakers who had been doing crap at the kiosk were gone. But on Saturday night, two of them (they have the security footage - they are the same people from before) tried to break into the kiosk. They were chased away by Brumby's Bakery Man, and once again we've involoved the Police.

Jordyn turned 3 on Wednesday. I rang him after work. I love talking to him on the phone, he's so funny! He kept telling me about his Thomas wrapping paper (didn't care about the present inside!) so I promised I would send him (another) Thomas card! Spoilt little man!

Today and tomorrow I don't have to go to work ... Woohoo :-) I stayed up til 4 a.m. this morning reading, and I ended up falling asleep with the lights on and the book ended up on the floor ...! I didn't get up this morning until almost 11, slack slack slack!

Think I'll have a pretty quiet day today, I need to do some washing, do my dishes, vacuume the lounge, clean my bedroom, change my sheets and doona ... Or I could just sit on the couch and read, or watch a dvd ... ! :-)

Anyway, I better go have a shower, since it's almost 12, and i'm not even dressed or organised. Lazyass! :-)

Hey Little Man,

I can't believe you're three already. Three years you've been with us, hanging out, making us laugh, being such a huge part of our lives. (I know on the phone last night you tried to convince me you're four, but I'm not fallin for it, buddy! Give me back that extra year!)

I remember the day you were born. It seemed to take forever! You were pretty comfy, I guess and didn't want to move. I remember the phone call the next day from your dad, who was just over the moon. You could hear it in his voice. He was so happy.

I don't know how things went from "so happy" to abuse, kiddo. I really don't. When you were little, your dad would get up every night and give you your bottles. He would change you and bath you. Your mum used to joke that you only had eyes for daddy. But it was true. From the time you were a few months old, dad only had to walk into the room, and you'd give him your attention. When you started to walk, you followed him everywhere. You were such a great kid.

So what happened? I don't know. For so long, I thought something was wrong. I tried to get it out of your mum, I yelled at your dad ... I knew there was something not right. But I couldn't figure out what was going on ... So I left it alone. Sorry, little man. I should have tried harder, huh?

I don't know what's going to happen next ... Looks like your mum and dad are back together ... But who knows for how long. I guess all I can do is promise you that I won't stuff up again. You're my world, kiddo, and all I want is to see you happy and healthy and laughing and having 3 year old fun. I promise I'm always going to be there for you. I'll teach you heaps of cool shit, lots of stupid jokes, and spoil you ... Just coz I can :-)

Love you Jordyn.

'Rachie'

Dance without Sleeping

I would scratch out all the images
If I had the chance
Don't ask me what I'm thinking
Can't you see I only want to dance

Dance without sleeping,
I'll dance without fear
Dance without senses
No message I hear
Dance without sleeping
I'll dance til I'm numb
Dance til I think I can overcome

Melbourne Photos

Buckley

Firstly, before I get into my usual, silly, light-hearted post - Some sad news: Anna-Jane, who endured 2 years and 9 months of chemo and hospitals and needles and operations and blood tests and experimental treatments trying to bravely fight cancer, lost her battle on the 25th November. Anna-Jane was only 5 and a half. Half her life had been spent trying to beat cancer.

Rest in Peace, Anna-Jane. You fought so hard, you've earnt it.

******

I know ... I'm a terrible blogger ...

:-(

*lol* I know I'm waaay behind on my 30 secrets. I know I haven't updated in any way, shape or form since last week. I know I'm a terrrrible person :-)

BUT ... In my defence ...

Work was crazy busy last week/weekend. Sunday I finished work, rushed home to grab my stuff and was on the way to Melbourne an hour later, and I've only just gotten home late this afternoon. My sister does have the internet, but her computer is soooooo slow I didn't even bother trying to use it.

So here I am. I have stacks of cute niece stories, lots of funny quotes, and SO MANY gorgeous photos to show you ... but not yet. I'm exhausted. I haven't slept properly in three nights - partly because my sister ran out of beds and I was sleeping on the lounge room floor, partly because my 2 and a half year old niece believes she has to invade the lounge room at 5 a.m. EVERY morning or the world will end, and partly because there was a baby with a terrific set of lungs in the house who demanded to be fed every three hours, otherwise the whole NEIGHBOURHOOD would be alerted to the fact that she was hungry.

Damn, I had a great time.

Anyway. Here's a couple of photos just til I update properly sometime in the next couple of days ... :-)

Ok, Photos went to the top of the entry ... And I'm waaay to tired to figure out how to fix it. I'm now going to sleep in my own bed, in my own quiet house ... :-) Ahh, it's good to be home.

Secret #9

When I'm hanging out with my kids,

When I make them smile,

When we're mucking around,

When I'm reading to them,

When I'm giving them a bath,

When I'm chasing them around and around,

When we're having tickle fights,

Nothing else matters.

The world disappears. Problems don't exist.

I love that feeling. They are my world.

Secret #8

I don't like people who judge others.


Honestly? I think people who are racist are kind of disgusting.


No one should be bashed because of their sexual orientation.


People are different. Like crayons in a box ... We all gotta live together. ( ... That's that stupid saying, right?!)


Racism makes me sad. Homophobia makes me sad.
How do people get like that?

Secret #7

Every time I go home, I go and talk to Mel.
Sometimes I just sit there for a while.
It doesn't matter that she doesn't talk back. I don't care.
I just like still being able to talk to her.

Update on the Smurf

Yes, I have re-named Amy. From here on out, she will be known as Smurf ... Because she was born blue. Smart, huh? :-)

Seriously though, I didn't sleep much last night. I just had this feeling that if I fell asleep, something would happen. I don't know why. And I kept freaking out about the whole ICU thing, that's never a good thing when they send someone to the ICU. And she's only a little baby, so little and not strong and oh-my-god, what if the labor had gone on a bit longer, she could have died, and is she really going to be okay and I want to be there with Amanda, and ... what if this, what if that .... The thoughts just wouldn't stop! :-)

I did hear from my sister late this afternoon. Amy was moved from the neo-natal ICU this afternoon, and was in the room on the maternity ward with Amanda when she rang. My little smurf got her first bottle from mum today, and also had her first bath. She's got a fiesty temper, but is actually fairly quiet. She doesn't cry much. I found out she has blue eyes, just like her big sister. She's doing great, and the doctors are talking about mum and smurf going home tomorrow sometime, so that's great news :-)

I had today off work, and did bugger all :-) I went out for a while this morning to do some jobs, and driving home I went past the Bendigo Bank clock and the temprature on that was already at 35 degrees at 11 a.m. It got hot fast. I think we ended up getting to about 39. I spent the afternoon on the couch, just watching cricket, reading and sleeping. The phone woke me up a few times (I swear Telstra has made a fortune off my family in the last day and a half! Everyone's been calling mum & I to find out what's going on - not that we knew a whole lot!) but I had no trouble getting back to napland! I go back to work tomorrow, work Thursday as well, have Friday off, work Saturday and Sunday, then after work on Sunday mum and I are heading to Melbourne to see Amanda and Paul and their two gorgeous girls - Bug Eyes and Smurf. Ahh, my nieces are so going to hate me when they get older ... !!!!!!!!

Anyway, I better head to bed. Thanks for all the calls, emails and text messages yesterday and today. It was really appreciated.

Ok, I'm out! :-)

Secret #6

One of the (few) things I really like about myself is my smile.

I use it often :-)

Welcome to the world, Amy Lee! What a dramatic entrance!

Have just heard from my sister, who sounds like the drama of the day is starting to hit her.

Amy is still in the ICU, and is still blue. They are having a little trouble getting enough oxygen into her. Other than that though, she is doing ok. She hasn't yet opened her eyes, so they're unsure what colour her eyes are, but she has a full head of beautiful dark hair. She weighs 3.4 kilos, but hasn't been measured yet. She has a fiesty temper - every time the nurses go to do something to her, she screams and kicks up a fuss! What a great sign! :-)

Amanda's pretty upset, she hasn't been able to hold Amy yet. She's feeling fine, apart from being exhausted. She will be spending the night in the ICU beside Amy.

Will update more tomorrow ... :-)

UPDATE - 6:30 P.M.

Amy Lee Higgins entered the world at 2:27 p.m. today!

I guess my sister really was in labor this time!

Haven't got any more details, other than the time of birth. She was born blue, with the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck, so she was immediately taken the neo-natal ICU, where they were going to give her oxygen and make sure everything was ok. I'm still waiting to hear what's going on. Will update again later.




It's 8:50 a.m. and I'm dozing on and off. I don't start work til 11, why get out of bed when I don't have to?

The phone rings. This was pretty much the conversation.

"Hello?"
"Hello, it's me ... I think I'm in labor. Contractions are 5 minutes apart."
"Ok then ... You'd probably better get yourself to a hospital."
"Yes, I've already called everyone, got my bag ready and I'm good to go."
"Cool. Good luck then!"


So, not sure if it is labor or not ... Will let you know :-)

Secret #5.

The scar on my thigh?

That long, thin, white line?

September 14th, 2001.

The pain inside was so bad.

Most of the scars have faded.

The ones that remain make me so ashamed.

Secret #4

I scoffed when my mum and my sister told me that my niece looked like me when she was a baby ...

But ...

I loved that my niece looked like me when she was born. I don't know why, but ... It made me happy.

This photo always makes me smile. Damn, I love that kid.

Pete ... I love you.

Dude.

What can I say?

I love you.

I know that you're happily married.

I know you're wife is a hot blonde and I'm a chubby whatever-colour-I've-dyed-my-hair-this-week average looking chick.

I know that you've got two gorgeous kids.

I know that you're at least 10 years older than me.

But ask me if I care.

... Nup. Couldn't give a shit.

I friggin love you, man!

Anyone who installs two flat-panel tvs in their shop, so that anyone walking by, or working in a shop nearby, can see them, is going to get my love.

Especially when it's summer.

And ESPECIALLY when CRICKET IS ON.

Dude.

I love you.

The 2nd test started yesterday. Whilst I haven't been watching every single ball - because I've had to, you know, work - I've been able to get a score update WHENEVER I WANT, and on my lunch break, I could SIT, RELAX AND WATCH CRICKET.

Pete. Mate. You fuckin' rock. You ever wanna leave your wife? My door is always open for you, baby.


P.S. Rang my sister this afternoon after work ... No baby yet. No sign of the baby yet. She has been kickin up a storm though! :-)

Secret #3

Sometimes ... I get sick of catching everyone.

Sometimes ... I just want someone to catch me.

Secret #2

For 5 nights after I left Safeway, I cried all night. I barely slept, I didn't eat ... I felt as if I'd truly fucked up.

Secret #1

Despite what I've always said ... I really do want kids. And I do think that I would make a great mum.

Not much going on here ... Aside from the "false start" last night :-) I called my sister this morning, and she said everything's fine. The baby has moved down, and is "getting ready" - that made me laugh, picturing the baby packing a little suitcase and preparing for her "trip" - and they don't think it'll be much longer - maybe a couple of days. Who knows though! Amanda said she had a dream that Amy arrived on the 15th, which is tomorrow. I told Amanda that I'd be home all day tomorrow (not working) so if anything happens, ring me straight away! :-)

Like I said, not a real lot happening here ... Last Saturday was a friggin massive day at work. It was the first birthday of the Kangaroo Flat Market Centre, so all the shops in the centre had specials. We had a jumping castle and a merry-go-round thing in the car park for the kids. I started work at 8:30, and finished at 6. I can't remember being that tired in a long time :-) Pretty much died when I went to bed, and slept for like 10 hours :-) Before I got up and went to work and did it all over again ... !

I worked Monday as well, then had yesterday off, as well as today. Score! Today was Bendigo Cup day. I went out to work for a while, to check on Bec and Bree to see how they were doing. They said it had been dead all morning, at then everyone came at once so they were all flustered! I ended up staying for almost 2 hours, helping pack up. I hope I remembered to do everything ... ! And guess what ... I also have tomorrow off. THREE days in a row off! I haven't had that since I started!

Hey, has anyone read Andrew Johns' book, The Two of Me? I got it today for a couple of reasons - 1, I actually like Joey. From what I've seen on the Footy Show, I think that he seems like a pretty cool guy, and I cried for him when all that stuff came to light after the London thing. Who knew? and, 2, I want to know how much of the book is him, and how much is the ghostwriter. I know a lot of things will be exaggerated and played on, but it'll be interesting when reading it to see if you can pick what's real. Where have they taken 'creative license' with the book (if they have at all)? I just find something strange in the fact that this book came out so quickly after Joeys admissions of depression and bi-polar disorder ... Am I being too cynical?! I'm planning on starting it tonight or tomorrow.

I'm going to try to do something on here in the next few weeks - it's called 30 secrets in 30 days. The idea is to post 30 secrets - in photos - about myself, writing a few paragraphs with every photo. I've seen it done on other blogs, and I wanted to give it a go. Think I'll be able to do it?

Anyway, I might take off. I'm dog-sitting tonight - Christine's gone to the Killers concert in Melbourne - and I better go feed Jersey and let him have a run around outside. Check back tomorrow, I'll try to post the first of the 30 secrets :-) I'm out. Peace, love and laughter guys!

P.S. It appears I was a few days off with the baby ticker/counter thingy at the bottom of the page. I think she still has about 3 days to go before her actual due date. Not that most people will care ... But my nutty sister is a stickler for correct dates and getting facts right ... We are so not related!

Edit @ 2:40 a.m. - Joey's book? A hell of a lot better than I thought it would be. Seems to be pretty damn honest, and you can actually see that he's had a lot to do with the writing of the book - he hasn't just told some bloke a few stories and had most of it made up or exaggerated. I'm actually a little surprised at how good it is. Now, I gotta go get some sleep. I'm stuffed!

Update: 11:15 p.m. Amanda isn't in labor. My new little niece won't be arriving into the world tonight. They're not quite sure what the pains are, the symptoms are a little different to Braxton Hicks (?) - the false labor symptoms. They're keeping her in hospital for the night.


8:45 P.M.
My brother just rang to tell me my sister has gone to the hospital. She was having contractions that were 3 minutes apart when they left, but they have now gone out to 10 minutes apart, so they're not sure whether it's labor, or a false labour/Braxton Hicks thing she's got going on.

No more.

I thought of you yesterday.

I was driving home from work yesterday, and I went past a sports ground. There was a group of guys there, cricket training. I thought of you. And then I realised that you don't have cricket training on Wednesday, only on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

And then I talked to you last night.

At first, I was happy. It was cool, just chatting, about nothing, everything. For the first time all week, I felt relaxed. I smiled. I made you smile.

But then I realised I'm only making it hard on myself. I don't know that you care. Not the way I do, anyway. So you can make your own rules, and talk whenever you like, because it doesn't matter to you. It's nothing to you.

But it's something to me. And it means I'm always, always thinking, searching, trying to figure out what this means, or what you meant when you said that. When, in reality, it probably meant nothing to you. It was just ... Words.

So I'm stepping away, saying goodbye. Because I gotta. Before I drive myself nuts, and cause more tears.

No more.

Vent time ...

It really pisses me off when people make up their own rules, as they go along, with no regard to the thoughts or feelings of anyone else.

It is a selfish, inconsiderate and often hurtful thing to do. You mess with peoples feelings and emotions, all because you just want to do what you want.

Why don't you stop and think? Why don't you realise what a manipulative arse you're being?

I'm out.

I didn't prepare!

So, I had today off work. It was ok. I wasn't prepared for a day off! *lol* I had nothing to do, since I'd squeezed in everything I wanted to do - washing, cleaning, re-organising my house - over the weekend! So, instead, I bummed around and slept :-) Watched some dvds, and did pretty much nothing all day ... Ahh, nice.

It just felt like a "nothing" day. I'm kinda in a down mood, not sure why. I didn't want to go out, or see anyone, so I just stayed in. I rang my sister for her birthday this morning, only talked for 10 minutes or so. My brother was there. I don't know why, but that kind of upset me.

Buckley is in his cage, currently destroying a carrot ... Kinda scary the way he's attacking it! I put his cage outside in the sun for a while this morning. He thought it was great, went to sleep for a while :-) I have got scratches all over my arms from him. When I go to put him back into his cage after he's been running around the house, he gets waaaay cranky. And he has sharp claws on those gorgeous little bunny feet of his :-P He scratches the shit out of me!

I can't believe how little I have to say ... It really is a quiet day. That's ok ... That's who I am :-) Who I is ... Who I are ... Who I be ... Hehehe ....

Because I had so much fun last time ... Part II of "Read all about it" ... :-)


ARRIVALS ... AND DEPATURES:
Sadly, Doug the hermit crab went up to the big shell in the sky on Thursday - Hermie Heaven. I was actually pretty upset, I've had Doug the longest and he was my fave :-) He had been trying to moult for some time, and I think he just grew too big for his shell. Also on Thursday, we gained a new 'family' member, a 6 week old, all white, frigging gorgeous, lop-eared rabbit that goes by the name ... Buckley. Yep, as in Nathan. Buckley already has the run of the house, going where ever he pleases, and has a habbit of hiding in tiny spaces. Seriously, you would not believe how many times I have lost him since Thursday! He's a gorgeous bundle of fluff, and is fitting into the house well. He goes well with the 4 birds, 4 hermit crabs and the fish. Think maybe it's time to stop buying animals ... ?!


DAMN TECHNOLOGY:
Got home from Echuca today to discover my broadband modem had 'died' on me. Spent an hour turning it on and off, plugging it into different power sockets, practically hyper-ventillating at the thought of not being able to do an update ... when it fixed itself. All of a sudden, the lights started to come on, one by one ... What the? Ahh, well. I'm just happy I have an internet connection again :-)


NO WEEKEND WORK APPLIES:
I had this weekend off. Woo hoo. I had Thursday off, went back to work Friday, then had yesterday and today off. Friday was a hellish day, and I finished an hour late. I was exhausted by the time I got home. Yesterday was a nice, relaxing day. It was Christine's birthday, so I got up yesterday morning and headed into the city to buy her a present. Then I went and picked her up, went out and had lunch, went to see a movie, then got take away for dinner and went back to her place and played with her new puppy. (I'm not the only one with a new friend in the house! On Thursday Christine brought a 6 week old pure-breed staffy. She named him Jersey. He is as cute as anything, and as friggin nutty as they come!) Got home last night and spent the night moving furniture around, and watching the Gilmore Girls. This morning I picked Chrissie up at 10, and we headed over to Echuca. We went on an hour-long paddlesteamer cruise, and it was pretty cool. It was also very relaxing, the only problem was the weather. It wasn't raining in Echuca, but it was pretty damn cold. After we had some lunch, we hit the road and were back in Bendigo by 3. I ended up crashing on the couch for a couple of hours as soon as I walked in the door, I was freaking tired!


Ok, that's it :-) I'm out.

Read all about it ...

15 MINUTES OF FAME:
Firstly, I will be signing autographs tomorrow at 9 ... Bring your own pen, I'm waaaaay to important to have to worry about finding a pen ... :-P *lol*
Yesterday morning, I slept in. Well, that's not technically true. I was awake ... I just couldn't be bothered dragging my lazy arse out of bed, so by time I got out, I was running way late. So, I only had 5 minutes to do my hair, and I ended up chucking it up in a messy ponytail. Get to work, and Julie (our cleaner) says to me, "Are you ready for the cameras darl?"
Huh?
Turns out the centre is turning one soon, and Nick (the owner) had organised for people to come and film a tv ad. Oh, great! We got in groups, and sang happy birthday ... It took us 3 goes to get it right! Funny as!


ALMOST THERE:
We're well into this 275-day journey, in fact, we're almost at the end of it! Only about 15 more days until my niece arrives into the world. Amanda is doing well, still yapping away ... I swear she never shuts up!



WHAT A PLAN!
I have the weekend off work. God, I'm so excited! *lol* (Although, after Thursday, I might not actually have a job ... Trying not to freak out about that.) Christine's birthday is on Saturday, so we're hanging out, having lunch, maybe going bowling or something like that. Sunday, I've arranged to head over to _____ for the day, and go on a ______ (The blanks will be filled in after the weekend :-)). I've never actually driven to _____, so I was thinking of taking a drive over there tonight after work, or tomorrow afternoon, since I have tomorrow off work. It's only about an hour either way, so that's not too far away. I think we'll have a nice weekend.


SAME OLD, SAME OLD:
Work is ok. Like I said, I'm not sure how much longer I'll have a job - there's a lot of stuff going on and I'm trying not to worry too much. Whatever happens, happens. Getting all stressed out isn't going to do anything. We've had a quiet couple of days, hopefully today is busier. I'm on my 7th day straight, I'm so looking forward to a day off tomorrow.


THE FAT MAN COMMETH:
Only 2 months, (just a tad under two months, actually) until that jolly fat man pays us a visit ... Have you been naughty or nice?

Everyone wants
Something
From me
Of me

To be happy
To be perfect
To do something for them
To fix things

And here's me
Just bumbling along
Trying, trying
To do it all

To balance
To handle everything
To change
To be me



P.S. News from today ...
* Only about 20 days until my new little niece enters the world :-) Can't wait.
* Work was quiet. Bendigo Show is on, so the whole centre was dead.
* Chris (the cafe chef) got offended when Felicity called him gay ... Even though he is ... Uhh, ok!
* Am still a bit bummed from Wednesday :-S
* Ran into someone I used to work with at Safeway ... What's that saying - the more things change, the more they stay the same? That's so true for Safeway. Sounds like some things have changed, but most have not.
* Called my mum after work ... Lorri hasn't changed her mind :-( We still don't know what's going on with her. I just want to see my nephew, be part of his life ...
* Why the 'poem' at the top? Don't know, was just thinking :-)

Umbrella

This song used to shit me up the wall :-) I hated it. But for some reason, it's growing on me, and now I think it's kinda cool ...



You have my heart

And we'll never be worlds apart

May be in magazines

But you'll still be my star

Baby cause in the dark

You can't see shiny cars

And that's when you need me there

With you I'll always share

Because



[Chorus:]

When there's sunshine, we'll shine together

Told you I'll be here forever

Said I'll always be a friend

Took an oath

I'ma stick it out till the end

Now that it's raining more than ever

Know that we'll still have each other

You can stand under my umbrella

You can stand under my umbrella (Ella ella eh eh eh)

Under my umbrella (Ella ella eh eh eh)

Under my umbrella(Ella ella eh eh eh)

Under my umbrella(Ella ella eh eh eh eh eh eh )



These fancy things, will never come in between

You're part of my entity, here for Infinity

When the war has took it's part

When the world has dealt it's cards

If the hand is hard, together we'll mend your heart

Because



[Chorus:]

When there's sunshine, we'll shine together

Told you I'll be here forever

Said I'll always be a friend

Took an oath I'ma stick it out till the end

Now that it's raining more than ever

Know that we'll still have each other

You can stand under my umbrella

You can stand under my umbrella (Ella ella eh eh eh)

Under my umbrella (Ella ella eh eh eh)

Under my umbrella(Ella ella eh eh eh)

Under my umbrella(Ella ella eh eh eh eh eh eh )

You can run into my arms

It's okay don't be alarmed

Come into me


There's no distance in between our love

So go on and let the rain pour

I'll be all you need and more

Because


[Chorus:]When there's sunshine, we'll shine together

Told you I'll be here forever

Said I'll always be a friend

Took an oath I'ma stick it out till the end

Now that it's raining more than ever

Know that we'll still have each other

You can stand under my umbrella

You can stand under my umbrella (Ella ella eh eh eh)

Under my umbrella (Ella ella eh eh eh)

Under my umbrella(Ella ella eh eh eh)

Under my umbrella(Ella ella eh eh eh eh eh eh )



It's raining

Ooh baby it's raining

Baby come into me

Come into me

It's raining

Oh baby it's raining

I wish ... That things were different.

Of course I wish things were different ...

But there's no point being bitter about it.

Sad? Hell yeah.

Bitter? Nope.

Just really sad.

Guess it figures ... Usually I don't care. And it never worries me - it turns into something or it doesn't. Doesn't really bother me either way. But the one time I actually do care, the one time I'd like something to happen ...

Oh well.

You know what really pisses me off?

When there is *clearly* something bothering someone, and yet ... They. Won't. Say. What. The. Freakin. Problem. Is.

Please.

Do not insult my intelligence. I know there's something wrong. Tell me what the hell is wrong, and maybe I can help. Maybe whatever is wrong can be fixed. Tell me what the hell is wrong, so we can deal with it, and get over it.

I'm saying this because there's something in particular that's bothering me. I *know* that there's something going on with L____. And I think I have a pretty good idea what that something is. And I know why she's avoiding us - because she's worried about our reaction to that something. I just don't get why the hell she won't be straight with us, and tell us what is going on ... What's the worst that could happen? We could support her? We could try to help? We could stand behind her, like we have done for the last four years? Wow, wouldn't that be terrible.

I don't know.

~*~

On a not-totally-unrelated-note, I got home yesterday to find a voicemail message from my brother. At first, I thought he was drunk. But no, he was actually calling to see if I'd be at his birthday dinner. He turns 21 this year.

I don't know what to think. I don't know what to do.

I can just see myself going to the dinner, and throwing something at him, or starting a massive fight by saying something I shouldn't ...

I know that I'll disappoint my mum and my sister if I don't go, and I'll look like a total bitch to his new girlfriend, but can I tell you something? I don't really care.

(On a side note, I think my dad's with me on this one here. I told my mother that I wasn't going to have anything to do with Darren until he changed and my dad said "Good for you, I think thats fair enough". Go Brian!)

I've had 2 lectures since last night on how I *have* to go, and how I *should just let it go* and yada yada yada. Again ... Don't really care.

Ok, I'm out :-)

Open Letters.

Dear Mr J.B.

Oh, you've done it now.

Haven't you done it now, buddy.

There's a couple of things you should know about me, J.B. I love my Collingwood. I love to laugh. I hate Tom Cruise. And I hate it when people lie to my friends.

(Well, to me as well, but I can take care of myself.)

And guess what you did?

Lied to one of my friends.

Not only that, but you lied to my Steeny.

For months.

About ... Oh, pretty much everything, it turns out.

Oh, you've done it now.

Go to bed tonight J.B., and pray that you never run into me again. Because, although I have never so much as laid a finger on another human being in my life, I would kick. Your. Arse. It wouldn't be pretty, or co-ordinated, (I have a realistic view of my skills - I'm pretty much a idiot, and I'd look like one, with my arms flying everywhere) but I would do it.

Don't treat my Steeny that way. Don't ever treat my jellybean that way.

Got it?

Yours sincerely,
Arse-kicking Rach.


************************************

Dear Sir,

I just wanted to take this opporunity to say thank you.

I know, working in customer service/hospitality, that it's my job to serve you. To make any drink or any food that you may require. You pay for this service. Service that I usually provide with a smile, because hey, it's my job, and (most of the time) I enjoy it.

But this morning, when I was busy doing something, you oh-so-kindly grunted to get my attention. Thanks for that. Because, god knows, you'd only been standing there for about 3 seconds, and you're clearly such an important person that you just didn't have the time to wait.

So thank you, for grunting and letting me know you were there.

And then? When I'd acknowledged your presence, with a 'Hi, how are you today" and a smile, thanks ever-so-much for speaking to me without even looking at me, and only saying "Latte". Because, yep, clearly that gives me all the information I need to serve you well. Oh, and a special thank you for speaking to me like I'm some kind of fuckwit. That was just terrific and very much appreciated!

Finally, I wish to say thank you for literally throwing the money at me. If it had been a note, I wouldn't have minded. But throwing coins all over my bench, and my floor, was lovely of you.

Thanks ever-so-much for making my day.

P.S. To Mr. Grunt's wife - What the hell are you thinking? You actually seemed quite nice. Dude. You could do so much better. Leave the fucker!


************************************

Dear New Zealand Rugby League - players, coaches, supporters, etc.

Boy, are you guys in trouble!

What was it, a 58 - 0 thrashing by the Aussies today?!

Wow ... Maybe you should do something about that. Just a bit of helpful advice, ya know :-)

Have a great day!
A Rugby fan!

So, I'm sitting here, almost in tears, because something I never thought would happen ... Happened.

My brother's ex-girlfriend has moved on. No longer does she want anything to do with our family. Doesn't want to see us, doesn't want to speak to us, doesn't want us as a part of her life.

And, of course ... No longer will we be a part of Jordyn's life.

I won't get to see my little man grow up. I won't get to be a part of his life as he gets older.

I love that kid more than anything in this world. I want nothing but the best for that kid. He rocks. He's funny and smart and such a little cutie. I want to see him grow up. I want to see him as he discovers the world. I want to be there, be a part of his life. I want to spoil him for no reason at all, and visit him. I want to hang out with him, and teach him *cool* stuff.

Please say this isn't forever. God, I hope, I hope, I hope Lorri changes her mind.

Life's little mysteries ...

Ya know what I don't understand?

How someone, who lives alone, wears a work uniform 5 days a week, 9 hours a day, and doesn't really have that many clothes, can manage to accrue so much dirty washing. It's mystifying. I did two full loads of washing today - so full my machine stopped halfway through the second load because it was too full ... Oops.

Maybe I need to wash more often? I only say this because this morning I went to get a clean pair of socks, and I had two pairs left in my drawer. Now, I'm a big sock person. Stripey, nice and coloured, I love me a cool, cute pair of socks. After I washed, I had 15 pairs of socks on the line. FIFTEEN! Dude. Same with my underwear. After I washed, I had something like 12 on the line!

But really, when you think about it, I generally wash once a week. I don't really need to do anymore than that - I live alone for cryin' out loud! There's not a lot of towels, or bedding to wash. Most of my days are spent in my work uniform, and when I get home, I change straight into my p.j.'s! I pretty much live in them when I'm home. I'm strictly a comfort-dress kinda girl, and my jammies are comfortable :-)

Anyway, I better go fold some washing ...

"To be a star, you must shine your own light, follow your own path and not worry about the darkness for that is when stars shine the brightest"

-Author Unknown

2:53 a.m.

2:53 a.m. ... And I'm awake :-)

Woke up at 1:30, and haven't been able to get back to sleep!

Not much going on here ... I can't believe it's been a whole week since I blogged.

I went to Melbourne on Sunday night after work ... It was fun :-) Then I got home Monday morning and slept all afternoon! I worked yesterday and I have today off. Not sure what I'm going to do all day ... Probably just clean my house and chill for a while.

I really don't have much to say ... And I'm so tired I can barely freaking think ... :-) I just felt like doing an entry. It was bugging me that I hadn't blogged since last Sunday!

We've been having some fun times at work ... People stealing our fruit, turning off our fridges, ice machine, etc ... It all stepped up a notch on Friday morning when I got to work to discover that someone had turned off our freezer during the night, and over $1500 worth of gelati was destroyed ... So, we decided that we'd simply move all the gelati from the display freezer into the big storeroom freezer every night ... Until I got to work on Sunday morning, went out to get the gelati and discovered that someone had turned off the big freezer. My first thought? 'You've got to be freaking kidding me!'

So, yeah. Someone has gone from a few 'pranks' to causing real damage. We thought that we'd saved the gelati in the storeroom freezer, but that was also ruined - about $4000+ worth of gelati that we had to just throw out. Anyway, today Heather, Tony and Nick sat down and went through the security footage, and have found vision of 4 guys and 1 girl, entering the market centre on Thursday night about 10:30 p.m., and a couple of shots from Saturday night, at 1:30 a.m. - with the same group of people. Unfortunately, Saturday night they avoided most of the cameras, but we do know that it took them only 4 minutes to get out the back of the market centre, turn our freezer off, then leave.

I'm a bit down tonight :-S I don't know why.

I'm watching some very badly acted show on Channel 9 ... Looks like it's from about 1960.

Anyway, I might go ... I can't stop yawning. Goodnight guys.

Can't sleep ... So you get quotes.

It's not called stalking, it's called love.

*lmao* like that one!

Or ...
You can't make someone fall in love with you... you can only stalk them and hope for the best.

Never accept love if you can't give yourself in return.
Never start a relationship you know you'll want to end eventually.
Don't go for looks, it can deceive;
Don't go for wealth - even that fades away.
Go for someone who makes you smile because only a smile makes a dark day seem bright.

Imagine, if you will, a world without hypothetical situations.

Some people make things happen, some watch while things happen, and some wonder "What happened?"
Which type of person are you?

There's this lost cause I believe in called myself.

It is better to be hated for who you are than to be loved for who you are not.

Destiny is not a matter of chance; it is a matter of choice.

Every moment in time gives us a chance to love, to learn, to dream... and to become more then we ever imagined.

You won't see the rainbow if you don't live through the rain.

Don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon.



and now ... a couple of poems.


If I were a fairy
I'd take you in my wings
If I were a fairy
I'd fly you somewhere else
If I were a fairy
I'd keep you safe and sound

But I'm just a girl

If I had a magic wand
I'd put a spell on you
If I had a magic wand
I'd put a stop to your pain
If I had a magic wand
I'd make it perfect

But I'm just a girl

If you let me
I'll be your angel
If you let me
I'll help you through
If you let me
We can be play fairies
And
We'll put spells on each other ...



I begged on my knees
I asked you to stop
Now I'm just a hypocrite

I told you I'd been there
And wouldn't go back
Now I'm just a hypocrite

I cried at your cuts
I smiled at my scars
Now I'm just a hypocrite

I smile at your smile
I cry at my cuts
Now I'm just a hypocrite

You cry at my cuts
I smile at your scars
Now I'm just a hypocrite

Post #200 for me ... and I'm using it to say:

You.
Bloody.
Little.
Ripper.
Melbourne.
Storm!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Didn't see the game? You missed a bloody good game. The final score belies the fact that most of the game, Manly did actually give Melbourne a fairly good run for their money. Manly made a lot of errors and stupid mistakes though, and they paid dearly for them.

My highlights? Let's see ...

- Matt King, shown going around and shaking the hand of every Manly player, before he joined his teammates to celebrate. Now that's a good winner.
- Greg Inglis. Pretty much every time he moved, all night. He didn't make many (any?!) mistakes, and he deserved the Clive Churchill medal.
- Cameron Smith, "praying" before kicking to convert a try. He only converted 3 tries out of 8 tonight, so I don't know what the hell was going on with his kicking, but they made 8 tries so the extra points didn't matter too much! :-)
- Craig Bellamy (Melbourne's coach) getting a massive bucket of gatorade or something dumped all over him in the celebration. Funny as!

I was also impressed with the way Melbourne played. By about the 60th minute, Melbourne had pretty much won the game. With only 20 minutes to go, they held a 22 - 8 lead, and yet they played as if they still had 60 minutes to go, and the game was still in the balance. With 10 minutes to go, they scored another try, and had well and truly secured the game, but still the entire team ran hard, played hard, and by minute 75 (after another try!) they knew they had won, the guys on the sidelines were celebrating, Craig Bellamy and his coaching staff had already left the box and were on the field, but still the guys on-field played as if they could lose. They were friggin amazing!

The final score, in case you're interested, was 34 - 8. They deserved the win.

Go Storm :-) You bloody little ripper!

May you find serenity and tranquility in a world you may not always understand.

May the pain you have known and the conflict you have experienced give you the strength to walk through life facing each new situation with courage and optimism.

Always know that there are those whose love and understanding will always be there, even when you feel most alone.

May you discover enough goodness in others to believe in a world of peace.

May a kind word, a reassuring touch, and a warm smile be yours every day of your life, and may you give these gifts as well as receive them.

Remember the sunshine when the storm seems unending.

Teach love to those who hate, and let that love embrace you as you go out into the world.

May the teachings of those you admire become part of you, so that you may call upon them.

Remember, those whose lives you have touched and whose have touched yours are always a part of you, even if the encounters were less than you would have wished. It is the content of the encounter that is more important than the form.

May you not become too concerned with material matters, but instead place immeasurable value on the goodness in your heart. Find time each day to see beauty and love in the world around you.

Realize that each person has limitless abilities, but each of us is different in our own way. What you feel you lack in the present may become one of your strengths in the future.

May you see your future as one filled with promise and possibility. Learn to view everything as a worthwhile experience.

May you find enough inner strength to determine your own worth by yourself, and not be dependent on another's judgment of your accomplishments. May you always feel loved.

-Unknown.

Venting time ...

So, here's the thing.

I really like my job. It's pretty cool. I like the work, and the people that I work with.

The one thing I'm not liking at the moment, is my boss. Don't get me wrong - I like her as a person. She's nice, and funny, and always looking after her staff.

But the last week or so, she's stressing me out. Seriously stressing me out.

I feel like nothing is good enough. Everything I do is not done good enough, or I'm not doing things that I should be doing.

Even though I'm busting my arse, working 8 or 9 hours a day, starting early and finishing late every single day, it's still not enough.

I know she's under pressure. I know she's worried about the business, and it's not doing so well at the moment. I know she's worried about the fact that at the moment, most days we're barely covering wages and expenses. I know she's working 11-12 hour days every day, trying to make both the cafe and the kiosk succeed. I know she's trying. I just wish that she'd realise that I'm also trying - trying to make the kiosk the best it can be, trying to keep her happy all the time, trying to keep the place spotless when I'm there on my own for the majority of the time, trying to provide the best customer service I can, trying so damn hard, *so* *damn* *hard* for her business.

It's getting to me a little. Can you tell? Sorry, I just needed to vent. Anyway, I might get going. Peace out guys.

Go The Cats!

In case you haven't heard, or have been in a coma, or under a rock all day ...

GEELONG WON THE GRAND FINAL!

Now, we all know that I'm full of black and white blood. It has always been, and will always be, Collingwood for me. They are *da bomb* as far as I'm concerned.

Last week's loss to Geelong was very upsetting. Five freaking points! One more goal and we would have been there today, playing in the final game of the season, going for the holy grail in football. One more freaking goal!

[No, I'm not dwelling on the loss, why do you ask?!]

But even though we lost, we lost to a terrific team. We put up one hell of a fight, and Geelong were better on the night. To be honest, I wasn't completely disappointed, as my mum is a Cats fan, and I was happy for her that her Cats made it into the Grand Final.

[Not as happy as I would have been had Collingwood been in the GF, but happy nonetheless!]

I never doubted for a second that Geelong would kick some Port Adelaide arse! They've played well all year, and I knew they could do it. They're a terrific team, who just dominate the game. Speaking of dominating, they certainly did that today! Who would have thought they'd win by such a huge margin?! 119 points!

I rang my mum when I got home from work. How did she answer the phone? No hello ... ! "Go the Cats!!!" she yelled. She was sooo happy :-) It's been 44 years since the Cats won a premiership, and my mum's 45, so she's never had the thrill of winning footy's holy grail! I reminded her of the '95 Grand Final that Geelong made it into. Mum had to work that day, so the night before we put up balloons and streamers all over the house ... Then Geelong lost so we had to get them all down before she got home from work! *lol* Thankfully, today had a happier ending for all Cats fans!

So now, that's it. No more footy until next year ... :-( The end of the season is always kind of a bummer, because you know it's going to be *months* before you see another game. I am looking foward to the NRL Grand Final tomorrow night, I like a good game of rugby, and I can't wait to sit down and watch it. I'm tipping Melbourne, I really hope that they can get up over Manly. I can't believe Manly are in the GF!?! *lol* A couple of seasons ago, they were on the bottom of the ladder, the joke of the competition. And this year, they've made it to the last game. Surely Melbourne can beat them ...?! GO THE STORM!

Conversations from my week.

Overheard at Safeway last night:
Man: Noah, stop chasing Emmy ... Noah, I said stop.
Noah: I'm not chasing her, she's chasing me!

Ahh, I love kid-logic.


This morning when I got to work, I was greeted by Chris:
Chris: Hey blossom, what's squeaking?


On Wednesday night:
Christine: Well, if it all goes badly ... I've got bail money.


Also on Wednesday night:
Christine: You gave me sperm germs!
Me: Dude, that's not even possible. You're gross!
Christine: Nuh-uh ... You are!


My sister rang last night to tell me the latest news. She's painted my niece's room pink and purple. Also, my niece has started throwing blocks at people.
Christine (on hearing about Amber's room being painted): Some people should not be allowed to reproduce. What is she thinking??!
Me: Maybe Amber's throwing blocks because she's pissed about living in a pink and purple room.

Are you smarter than a 5th grader?

My feet hurt ...

I'm seriously concerned about my job :-S The kiosk isn't doing too well. We need more people to, you know, buy stuff. That'd be good. Heather's getting discouraged, which makes me wonder how much longer I'm going to have my job.

Eh, I don't know.

I don't really have much to write about tonight. I'm so boring :-) Work was fairly quiet today. Hope tomorrow is busier.

Trying to find something to write about, but it's like my brain just died on me :-) *lol* Kinda sad, really. Chrissie and I went out and got Macca's for dinner tonight, then watched 'Thank God You're Here' (friggin hilarious :-)) and then the new show with Rove - Are you smarter than a 5th grader? We didn't do too badly, but turns out we aren't ... The question about John Howard stumped both of us *lol* I was so sure he was elected in 1995! Christine had no idea (she doesn't pay attention to politics). It was fun.

I really need to work on speaking up more. Saying if I like something or I don't like something ... If something is bad. I shouldn't be such a freaking doormat!

Anyway, guys. I'm out. Peace, love and laughter.

Arthritis. At 24.

Hey guys.

What's up? How we all doing?

I had yesterday and today off work. Yesterday, Ang, Ryan, Chrissie and I all went out for lunch. Ryan threw most of his food on the floor and at us, but we all had a great time :-)
Today Chrissie and I went to La Porchetta for lunch. Beautiful day outside, so we sat in the sun. We were both starving since it was a late lunch (almost 2 p.m.). I got about half way through my parma when I found ... A hair.
Needless to say, I lost my appetite ... :-S The waitress offered to bring me something else, but I declined the offer.

Had an appointment with the chiropractor this afternoon, to find out what my spinal xrays showed ... Nothing good, unfortunately. I have arthritis on my spinal cord and neck ... And the spaces in my spinal cord where the nerves are, are closing up, and cutting off the nerves ... :-(
It was actually really depressing ... I'm 24. 24!
Some of the damage can be undone by regular visits to the chiropractor - 3 times a week for a month, then twice a week for a month, then once a week for six weeks - but the arthritis is probably there for good.

I'm kinda scared. For a couple of reasons:
- How am I going to afford to go to the chiropractor 3 times a week for a month? That comes out at $140 a week/$560 (? I think ... Never much good at maths) a month. I know I'm working full time, but I've also got bills and rent and a car to pay for ... :-S
- Am I going to end up like my parents? I know that a lot of this is genetic. Mum and dad both have bad backs - dad's back has been operated on twice, mum's had one operation on her back. I've seen the pain they live with ... I really don't want to end up like that :-S

Went for a massive long walk today, haven't done that in a while. Used to do it all the time when I wasn't working, but since I've been at Sweet Explosions I haven't had the energy!

I really need to lose some weight. Being this fat (Sorry, Dan ... But it's true!) probably isn't helping.

I really need to do something about my hayfever as well ... Not being able to breathe isn't as much fun as it sounds ... :-P

Ahh, I'm Little-Miss-Whinge-Alot tonight ... Guess I'm kinda depressed still. Might take off. Have a good night, guys.

So. Freaking. Tired.

Friday I worked 9 -7:30. 10 and a half hours, most of the time on my own since Sylvia called in sick. Finished work and headed to Ang and Vinces to babysit Ryan. Got there to find Ryan rolling around on the floor, crying to himself! *lol* He was soooo tired, but he was sulking because Ang and Vince weren't home. Managed to calm Ryan down, and we sat watching to footy for a while before I made the *big* mistake of trying to put Ryan into his cot ... Dude, did he scream! And cry and scream ... So I got him calmed down again while we watched some more footy. Finally managed to Ryan asleep and into his cot ... Only for him to wake up an hour later ...! :o) Ahh, kids are great, aren't they?! :-P

The football on Friday night ... I don't want to speak about it. The less said the better. It still hurts! One goal and we'd be in the grand final ...

One goal.

Worked 9 - 5:30 yesterday, I actually finished early for once :o) You cannot imagine how happy I was! I got home, changed, had a little sit down on the couch for a while, and then "Dan" (named changed to protect the innocent) got here.

Guys (you know who you are), you would be disgusted with me. I went to our place of worship and didn't even finish my parma! I know, what a disgrace!! *lol* That's how tired I was!

~*~

So much to blog about, so many things that have happened this week that have made me think, but unfortunately I'm pretty brain dead right now, so if this is random or doesn't make sense, I'm sorry.

You know the 'Ghosts of Christmas Past'? I feel like this week has been the 'Ghost of my Safeway past'.

I left Safeway in March. Everything went to hell, and finally fell apart on me. I guess I knew it was going to happen, but that didn't make it any easier.

What also made it hard was not hearing from people who I thought were my 'friends' after it all. I've stayed in contact with one person from Safeway.

In the last week, I've seen one manager who I used to work with, and 6 people that I worked with in the deli and the office - including last night when I went to get money out of the A.T.M. after work and ran into someone I worked with in the office. She wouldn't even look at, let alone speak to me.

At first it was hard, seeing all those people. When I saw the manager last weekend, I was at work, and I started shaking and went pale. I know I went pale, because Ashlea actually mentioned it "Rach, what's wrong?! You're so white!"

But now ... I don't know. So what. It happened. It's over. It was inevitable that I was going to run into people from there. Maybe seeing all those people is the universe telling me that I'm stronger now, that I can deal with it. Who cares if they weren't there when I fell apart? Clearly, I didn't need them, or their 'friendship', because I managed to pick myself up, dust myself off and keep going :-)

All this thinking about the last 6 months, and the last year, has made me realise something.

I have changed.

And then last night, I realised something else.

I haven't changed as much as I thought I had.

and

I haven't changed as much as I would like to.

See, I thought I was doing much better. Not being such a doormat. Speaking up when there's

something wrong. Standing up for myself more.

But then, last night, I couldn't even say what I was thinking, what I wanted to do, what I wanted "Dan" to do ... etc. I should have been able to speak up, there were a lot of times when I could have spoken up, and yet I still didn't. I'd like to think it was simply because I was pretty exhausted - I could barely keep my eyes open, and forming thoughts was a little difficult - but I think that the truth was that I was just shy, afraid, uncertain, scared.

And that's just stupid. Why the hell shouldn't I say what I'm thinking? Be honest and open?

Hmmm.

I'm tired. I'm pretty sure there's more thoughts in my head somewhere, I just can't seem to find them at the moment :o) *lol* I don't think I've had many coherent, complete thoughts today. I couldn't even tell you what I did at work all day - I must have done something, but damned if I know what. 4 hours sleep on Friday night + working all day yesterday + about 5 hours sleep last night + working today = a very tired little me :-)

I have tomorrow and Tuesday off work. I might blog again sometime soon. I know there's more stuff I've been thinking about that I want to write about, but ... Can't remember it right now. Yup, I'm a smart cookie :-P

Anyway guys, I'm out. Peace, love and laughter :-)

Yummy, yummy ... Fruit salad!

I'm eating fruit salad ... :-) I made it the other night, so I ate it for dinner on Wednesday, dinner last night, and breakfast this morning ... Yum :-)

Not much happening here ... Monday and Tuesday I had off work. Woo hoo! :-) I spent both days running around, getting bills paid, doing errands, catching up with friends. It was nice :-) Went back to work on Wednesday. Today will be a long day, was meant to be doing 9 - 4, but now I'm doing 9 - 7, because Sylvia called in sick and we have no-one to replace her :-( When I finish work I've got to come home, grab my stuff and head to Ang's to babysit my gorgeous little godson, Ryan! :-) I'll be sitting down with the little man to watch the football tonight ... GO PIES!

You know what's really sad? I just spent 10 minutes, sitting here, trying to think of something to say. And I've got nothin. At all. How sad is that?!!

Anyway, guys, I might take off ... Better get going to work :-) I'm out. Have a great day!

I got a girl fired today.
She totally deserved it.
She created more work than she did, was always late, disrespectful and rude to customers.
But I still feel guilty.

Sorry, Maria.
:-(

Pies won last night.
I've heard it was a good game ...
Four cruisers and I fell asleep. (Work made me tired!)
Missed most of the second quarter, all of the third, and woke up with 4 minutes to go in the last.
What a finish! What a way to end the game!
GO PIES!

I don't know why I'm writing like this.
But I am.

I'm eating marshmallows.
Yummy.

I've got no other news.
I'm boring.
Working tomorrow.
Doing nothing tonight.
Tired ...
And I still feel guilty.

Sorry, Maria.

September 13 / Six years

Damn, girl.

How the hell has it been 6 years without you?

It seems so unbelievable that it's been six long years without your wicked sense of humour or your smile.

It feels like it was just yesterday when I ran into you, and told you that I couldn't stop, had to hurry, had to get to work, couldn't talk, and I'd see you when you got back.

So much has happened in the six years since you left us - how could the world go on when you're not here? How is that fair? It's not right, Mel. It's not fair!

I think of you often, always smiling, usually at something stupid! Every time I hear one of "your" songs, I turn it right up, and sing out loud. Bet you can hear me up there when I'm singing, can't ya?!

God, I miss you Mel. I miss you so much.

Six years, but I'm still missing you as much as that god-awful day when you left us.
Six years, but I can still remember every detail of that day.
Six years, and I hate that I'm still counting.
Six years, and I still wonder what could-have been, and I still think about what should-have been.
Six years, and I still think about you coming back to us, Mel.
Six years, how are we going to make it to seven? Help us keep going, Mel.

There is a Scheduled Blogger Outage at 11PM PDT ... What the?!

When is that Australian time?

I feel like crying. I don't know why. I think I've cried more in the last 6 months than I've cried in the 23 years of my life.

I think it's just the uncertainty of everything at the moment. Dad - what's going to happen there? What's he going to do? How are mum and dad going to manage? There's a meeting tomorrow, maybe some things will get resolved then.

I hated seeing my dad so quiet, so lost. I didn't know what to do, what to say. That's not Brian - he's not a quiet sort of person. He's so worried, it makes me want to cry. I want to fix it. I want everything ok. I know how hard he and mum worked to get to where they are now. We lived in a housing commission house when I was a kid. Never had a lot of money. But they worked their arses off to make sure we had everything we needed, and saved until they finally brought their own house. And everything that's been done to our house, dad's done it (sometimes with mums help:-)). Tiling in the kitchen? Dad. All new concrete in the driveway and out the back? Dad. Whole house painted? Dad. Garden totally re-done? Dad. They have worked so hard. And now ... I don't know. I know they won't lose the house. There's not much chance of that - they're so far in front with home-loan repayments. Every single time they've had a bit of extra money, it's gone straight off the house. But I'm just ... I don't know. Still worried, anyway, I guess.

I'm so tired. I need to find a chiropractor. I'm not tired because I'm not sleeping, I'm tired because my back and neck are out.

Amanda's gone to visit a friend at the moment, and Amber is having a nap at the moment. Thank god! She was starting to get waaay tired and cranky. I think I might go have a lay down on the couch while the house is quiet :-) I told Amanda to go out for a while, as she was almost as cranky as Amber!! *lol* Anyway, I'm going to take off. Peace out, guys.