Open Letters.

Dear Mr J.B.

Oh, you've done it now.

Haven't you done it now, buddy.

There's a couple of things you should know about me, J.B. I love my Collingwood. I love to laugh. I hate Tom Cruise. And I hate it when people lie to my friends.

(Well, to me as well, but I can take care of myself.)

And guess what you did?

Lied to one of my friends.

Not only that, but you lied to my Steeny.

For months.

About ... Oh, pretty much everything, it turns out.

Oh, you've done it now.

Go to bed tonight J.B., and pray that you never run into me again. Because, although I have never so much as laid a finger on another human being in my life, I would kick. Your. Arse. It wouldn't be pretty, or co-ordinated, (I have a realistic view of my skills - I'm pretty much a idiot, and I'd look like one, with my arms flying everywhere) but I would do it.

Don't treat my Steeny that way. Don't ever treat my jellybean that way.

Got it?

Yours sincerely,
Arse-kicking Rach.


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Dear Sir,

I just wanted to take this opporunity to say thank you.

I know, working in customer service/hospitality, that it's my job to serve you. To make any drink or any food that you may require. You pay for this service. Service that I usually provide with a smile, because hey, it's my job, and (most of the time) I enjoy it.

But this morning, when I was busy doing something, you oh-so-kindly grunted to get my attention. Thanks for that. Because, god knows, you'd only been standing there for about 3 seconds, and you're clearly such an important person that you just didn't have the time to wait.

So thank you, for grunting and letting me know you were there.

And then? When I'd acknowledged your presence, with a 'Hi, how are you today" and a smile, thanks ever-so-much for speaking to me without even looking at me, and only saying "Latte". Because, yep, clearly that gives me all the information I need to serve you well. Oh, and a special thank you for speaking to me like I'm some kind of fuckwit. That was just terrific and very much appreciated!

Finally, I wish to say thank you for literally throwing the money at me. If it had been a note, I wouldn't have minded. But throwing coins all over my bench, and my floor, was lovely of you.

Thanks ever-so-much for making my day.

P.S. To Mr. Grunt's wife - What the hell are you thinking? You actually seemed quite nice. Dude. You could do so much better. Leave the fucker!


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Dear New Zealand Rugby League - players, coaches, supporters, etc.

Boy, are you guys in trouble!

What was it, a 58 - 0 thrashing by the Aussies today?!

Wow ... Maybe you should do something about that. Just a bit of helpful advice, ya know :-)

Have a great day!
A Rugby fan!