That's not the way I want my story to end ...

A lot of loose change rattling around in my head this week ...

Firstly, the main item on the news for the last few nights has been the heatwave. Victoria is having a heatwave ... No frigging kidding. It's been high thirties since last weekend/start of this week, and the last four days have seen temps into the FORTIES. The freaking forties, people. Forty, forty three, forty four, forty four. And tomorrow we're in for a lovely forty four. The news keeps harping on about it ... It's a heatwave, it's a heatwave ... No shit, sherlock. Remember when it was winter and we were all bitching about how cold it was? Remember that magical, freezing time that was only a few months ago? When we all prayed for summer to start? Maybe we prayed too hard. Apparently it's the only time since 1855 that we've had this many days with the temp above 40. Well, don't I feel friggin special to be a part of history!

I had the week off work last week. I went to Melbourne - left on Tuesday when it was 42 (yeah, it was a great drive in a car with no air conditioning, thanks for asking), and it was mid to high 30's there all week. I went down to go to the allergist - the appointment I waited three months for - and to hang with my sister and my nieces for a few days.

My sister and my nieces are doing well. My little Bug Eyes is such a smart kid. She's very switched on - can't get much past that kid. My little Baby Smurf has turned into such a smiley, giggley kid. She's got a very definite personality - if she's not happy, you know it. But most of the time she's happy to just chill, smiling every few seconds at something random. It rocks!

The appointment with the allergist went great. I'm allergic to dogs! *lol* Funny. Not really badly allergic, but I had a reaction, so there's something there. Mostly I'm allergic to grasses, pollens, dust mites, all that kind of stuff. The good news is that I can be desensitised against those allergies. This involves starting immunotherapy, which is a fancy name for a hideously expensive course of 8 injections, done every second week. Then I go back to the allergist, and start a second course of terribly expensive injections. I finish them, and go back to the allergist again. Then I get a final - yep, you guessed it - unbelievably expensive lot of injections and go back to the allergist once more. Then I go on my merry way, hopefully forever cured of allergies/hayfever.

The good news is that the injections, which go over the next two or so years, will get rid of all the problems I'm having now. My asthma, which is mostly allergy/sickness induced will most likely totally go (woo hoo!). My headaches will disappear, I won't be so tired all the damn time, and I won't go through a box of tissues very two days, I'll be able to concentrate better at work ... The benefits are endless. The bad news? The injections work at out about $100 each. Not $100 per round, $100 each. There are 8 injections in each round. I get about $25 of that back on Medicare (wow ...! That'll help!). The other bad news is that I have to keep going the way I am for a while, it takes a few months (sometimes up to 6 or 8 months) to see the difference. But honestly, I'd pay anything to feel better, and I've put up with it for this long, so what's a few more months? Probably should start saving for the next lot of injections now though ...

So, I had my first injection yesterday afternoon. Because they inject me with what I'm allergic to, I have to have the injection, sit in the room with the doctor for five minutes, have my vitals taken, then go and wait in the waiting room for 25 minutes, and then I can leave. Apparently, injecting me with what I'm actually allergic to is kinda dangerous ... Who woulda guessed it?! The studies say that if a reaction is going to happen, it will happen in the first 15 minutes ... So my doctor makes me wait 25 just to be on the safe side. Apart from it going really red and some lumps coming up where the doctor stabbed me, (totally to be expected, though) it went fine.

Did I mention it's been a little bit hot here ... ?! Oh, I did ... ?!

Work has been good. I worked all this week, since I had last week off. It's been busy as all hell. I'm convinced that the girl who worked all last week did shit-all, all week, because I've spent the week catching up on work that should have already been done. Grr. However, yesterday I actually left at 4 instead of 5. Our power went out, and with no computer (and no air conditioning) there wasn't much point in me hanging around. Since I live about a three minute drive from work, I was worried about getting home to a hot house, figuring the power wouldn't have gone out here too, but I walked into a nice, cool house, with the power still working. I know the power went out in much of Victoria today due to the heatwave (yeah, we're in the middle of a heatwave, didn't you know?!), but thankfully we lucked out again and kept the power again all day.

So, I just finished seven days straight, I have tomorrow off, then I go back for four days, then I get two off. Woo hoo.

Before I finish, I'd like to get a little serious for a minute here. On Sunday night, an Uncle of mine died. His name was Russell, and he passed away after a brief illness. He fought, but the illness was stronger than him.

Russell never did anything "great", or "amazing". He was just an ordinary guy, who went to work each day. He loved his family, (including the two kids who weren't technically his) and was always there for them. He was gruff, sometimes a "grump", enjoyed a drink on special occassions (Sunday was a special occassion to Russell ...!) and love spoiling the grandkids. He wasn't rich, but he took care of his family. He wasn't surrounded by material crap that meant nothing. In the end, he died the way he lived - surrounded by his loving family, who were always there for him, like he was for them. Quite simply, he was a good guy.

R.I.P Russell. You fought so hard, right to the end. You have earned your rest.

Also, R.I.P. Darcey Freeman. I can't remember the last time that a story on the news made me cry so hard. What a horrible, horrible tragedy. How could someone do that to a child?

Ok, this has been a long entry, and it's now 12:27, so I think it might be time for bed. Night guys.

What a year!

So ... 2008.

What a year, eh?

2007, as I've written before, was a crappy year.

2008 was the year that things fell to pieces - and then fell back together perfectly.

"Maybe good things fall apart so better things can fall together..."

I could write a long, reflective blog entry on all that has happened in the last year ... But, quite frankly, I'm still paying for last night, and I've also had one or two drinks this arvo, so I don't quite have the attention span for a long entry. So instead, I'll just hit on the main points ...

Better things fell together this year.

I lost my job ... Then fell into a job that makes me happy. I love going to work now. I laugh, I joke around with the guys, and I work my arse off happily. I can't count the number of times that I've started smiling at work, just because I've had the thought that I'm so lucky - I love this place, this is my "work". I take work home, and I sit there smiling while I do it. I've been there close to seven months, and none of the gloss is wearing off. Rock on!

I moved from my nice, perfectly located, peaceful little unit when Christine purchased her first house. I knew that it would be fine, as we'd lived together before ... But I'd still lived alone for close to three years. I was used to total freedom, quiet when I wanted it and being the only one in control of the remote control. But again, better things fell together. Now? Now I've living in a kickarse house located three minutes from my work. We've got a huge kitchen and lounge room, and the best airconditioning ever. I haven't lost any of the freedom I got used to while living alone, and I can't believe I ever doubted that this would be anything but awesome. Again, this is only a couple of months old, but I don't see anything changing. We've settled in so well, it seems like we've always been here.

The family dramas went up and down for the first three-quarters of the year, which was rough. However, the last few months have seen a slight, teeny, tiny, slow-moving change occur. Things finally seem to be settling down. For the first time in a few years, we were all home for Christmas, and there were no fights. The day was peaceful, and content. We weren't the "perfect family" by any means ... But maybe we're on the way there.

"Maybe good things fall apart so better things can fall together ..."
Bring on 2009!

Happy New Year!

Another year over ...

I know, I know. Bad blogger. Baaaad blogger.

This is only my third entry for the month. How the hell did that happen?!

I actually had every intention of updating before Christmas, or at least on Christmas day to wish everyone a Merry Christmas. I'm not sure what happened to those intentions, somewhere along the way they got lost I guess ...

Hope everyone had a safe and happy Christmas, anyway. I was at home, with the family and we actually had a great day. It was very low-key, but nice. There were no fights, I didn't break my brothers nose at any point during the day ... Yep, it was a good Christmas.

Things in the World of Snappz have actually been humming along quite nicely.

Christine and I have well and truly settled into the house, and are loving living together. We seem to have fallen into quite an easy, relaxed routine that leads to no stress, and no fights.

Jersey is still known as Devil Dog, and shows no signs of leaving his "puppiness" behind anytime soon. We are constantly saying "NO!", because he continues to do everything from dig massive holes in the backyard to pinch stuff from the bin inside to wreck stuff to whine incessantly when he's left outside alone for more than 30 seconds. Actually, the whining has toned down a notch, which is good, and we have managed to train him to sit and wait before he comes in the back door. Everything else though? He's driving us mental. The last few mornings we've gotten up to discover the concrete in the backyard covered in dirt, and holes everywhere. It's getting old. He actually dug out half a garden bed about an hour ago, and he'd only been outside alone for a little while. He's seriously testing the patience of both Christine and I.

The Buckley Bunny/B-Man/Buck-Miester/Buckster is doing well. He ended up at the vets again a couple of weeks ago, after he came out with big red spot type things on his back. Our first suspicion, since they looked like blood, was that Jersey had somehow managed to get to him, but it turned out to be a sun infection - something about the sun interacting with what he'd eaten, and upsetting the bacteria under his skin, which then turned bad. It was upsetting, and I felt guilty. I should have known better to let an all white rabbit live outside in the sun. So he's been an inside rabbit for the last couple of weeks while he gets better. To help him get better, twice a day I have to wash him with this brown stuff, then wait 10 minutes and put cream on him. He was on antibiotics for the first 14 days, but they've stopped now. I got some shadecloth to go over his cage, and probably at the end of this week I'll get some more to put on the fram at the back of the house. Today he went back into his outside cage - once it was properly covered, of course! Can't really afford another $150 at the vet! - and he already seems much happier. His cage inside is only small, so he doesn't have that much room to move. Hopefully by the end of the week his back will be all healed, and I'll have the rest of the shadecloth up for him.

Work is going well - really well. Devil dog and I sometimes go for walks at night, and we walk up past work - about a 50 minute walk all up. Last week I found myself smiling and laughing as I walked past work, unable to believe how happy I am there, and how much I love the place. Honestly, it's just awesome. Somewhere, somehow I must have done something good to get this gig. The office is closed for two weeks over the holidays, but I'm working right through in the nursery part. The best news I've heard lately? That they're considering taking me out of the nursery, and putting me in the office full time. I don't know if it will happen, but I think I might actually bust with happiness if it does :-)

I'm hoping to spend some time on here tonight, updating this page and making it look a bit newer. It's all a bit same old/same old. I haven't changed much on here in months. Might have to update my links and fix up the "Currently Reading", as well as find some new quotes for the page. Maybe some song lyrics ... Maybe some new pictures ... Hmm, we'll see how I go.

Ok, before I go, I have two things to share ...

Pictures of 2008: This is our world. Amazing. You can find Part 2 here, and Part 3 here.

And ... Some song lyrics.

I love Christmas. These two songs I've been playing non-stop all week, simply because I find them beautiful.

*****
Snow's falling down as you step out of your car
Presents in your arms and you've traveled far
Someone opens the door with a smile on their face
And you know you've come to the right place
Family nestled by the fire
Christmas hopes to inspire
Loved ones by your side
You know you'll kiss your babies goodnight
At Christmas, Christmas
No matter who you are, how far you've come
This is where you belong
At Christmas
Memories 'round the Christmas tree
Are the sweetest ones that remain with me
It's a comfort deep inside, though you can't stop the race of time
To know that Christmas will always be
Family nestled by the fire
A Christmas hope will be inspired
Loved ones by your side
You know you'll kiss your baby goodnight
At Christmas, Christmas
No matter who you are or how far you've come
At Christmas
Can't you feel it changin'
Sense the anticipation
You can tell we're almost there
Precious time we're takin'
Memories we're makin'
There's a Christmas in the air
Now this is what Christmas means to me
Being together with your family
And the wise men who have followed that star
To where our baby Jesus lay
Family nestled all around
Baby Jesus asleep so sound
And His star shined so bright
On that very first holy night
At Christmas, Christmas
No matter who you are or how far you've come
this is where you belong
At Christmas, Christmas

*****

Everything's different
But nothing has changed
Are we going in circles
It's Christmas again
Can't you hear the sleigh bells right
All our voices unite
And look up the the heavens
See the stars shining bright
Everybody needs a little lovin'
around Christmas time
Somehow you got to know you're going to be all right
Do you remember how it used to be
Sitting under the Christmas tree
In your heart you'll
Find the season
We've been blessed by the children
black, yellow, and white
They believe in the things
we try to deny
So throw down your weapons
But continue the fight
And let's love one another
On this Holy night
Everybody needs a little lovin'
Around Christmas time
Somehow you got to know you're gonna be all right
Do you really remember how it used to be
Sitting under the Christmas Tree
In your heard you'll
find the season
O reach down inside your heart
and see all the love
O in your heart you'll
find the reason
Everybody needs a little lovin'
Around Christmas time
Somehow you got to know you're gonna be all right
Do you really remember how it used to be
Sitting under the Christmas tree
In your heart you'll
find the season

*****

Sorry about the length ...

I don't even know where to begin ...

I've been in Melbourne for the last few days. I went to see my sister and my nieces. I went to have a relaxing few days, chilling out, playing with the kids. I went to do some shopping.

It didn't quite go to plan, though.

Firstly, I decided to drive to Melbourne. Which I've never actually done before, but I figured it's only two and a half hours, how hard can it be? Usually I take the train, which takes two hours to get to Melbourne, then I get onto another train out to my sisters, which takes another hour and a half (if Connex hasn't cancelled services. Even if they have, the trains are usually packed.). So, I went "stuff it, I'm driving". I got directions off whereis.com.au, and left early on Thursday morning (6 a.m.).

Seriously? It would have been faster to take the freaking train.

I got lost. Somehow, somewhere, I must have taken a wrong turn. I ended up at Essendon (about 45 k's from my sisters) and I had no idea how to get back to where I needed to be. Add to that that it was freaking peak hour in Melbourne, bumper to bumper traffic, which I am not used to, and throw in the fact that everyone in that damn city drives like morons, and I was a little stressed.

Eventually, after running up a huge mobile phone bill on whereismobile.com (and visiting suburbs such as Tullamarine, Bayswater, Nunawadding, Donvale - none of which are really on the way to my sisters, might I add), I found my way. I got to my sisters a little after 10:30 a.m. FOUR AND A HALF HOURS OF DRIVING! FOR A TWO AND A HALF HOUR TRIP! The first thing I did? Take myself off to Knox City (big shopping centre) and spend a ridiculous amount of money on a GPS for my car. Considering I can barely pay my bills at the moment it probably wasn't a terrifically smart move, but oh my god, does it make things soooo much easier. Coming home today was about a thousand times less stressful, because all I had to turn was "turn right in 500 metres", and "turn left in 100 metres". Seriously, it was worth every single cent, and I'll be using it when I drive to my sisters again.

So ... Thursday I went to Knox with my three year old niece and we did some shopping. Obviously I tested her patience a little too much though, because once we were done shopping, and were on our way out, she started crying. And she cried the whole way home. She cried at an old man who asked her name, she cried at the bus driver who gave her a free ticket to cheer her up, she cried when we stopped at traffic lights ... And she cried when I started laughing at her. I know! Seriously, what kind of meanie laughs at a crying kid?! It was funny though. She was just over-tired, and no one was going to make her happy!

Thursday night, I was exhausted. Driving for hours, shopping and a loooong day had tired me out. I crashed at about 11 p.m ... only to be woken up at 11:30 by my sister, upset and yelling, because my brother rang (drunk, of course), threatening to kill himself.

Oh. My. God.

Then he hung up, and wouldn't answer his damn phone again. Hello, stress levels. A few minutes later, one of his ex-girlfriends, who is good friends with my sister, was banging on the front door, upset because he'd rung her to say goodbye, since he was nothing but a disappointment to everyone, and he couldn't handle this anymore ...

Oh. My. God.

So, my sister keeps ringing him, and finally he answers and they find out where he is. Olivia, his ex, goes to pick him up and take him home so he can sleep it off.

Nup.

He gets in her car, only to start crying and then jump out at traffic lights, saying he's going to kill himself, yada yada yada. So Olivia, not knowing what the hell to do, rings the police, and asks them to look for him. Meanwhile, my sister and I are still awake, worried, and not knowing what is going on. Eventually the police ring to tell us that they've found him and they're going to keep him for a few hours until he sleeps it off.

Finally, bed time?

No.

Baby Smurf, that gorgeous little niece of mine, decides to wake up. Screaming. Doesn't want a bottle, doesn't want to crawl around on the floor, doesn't want to do anything but scream because she's reallllly unhappy, and she wants the world to know it. We finally managed to get her to sleep just after 4 a.m.

Ahh, sleep.

I got just over 2 hours before little Bug Eyes, my other niece was up to start the day.

Needless to say, I was not at my best on Friday. We did some shopping at Knox, and spent the afternoon at home, hanging out. My sister rang my brother to tell him she'd had enough and that he's not welcome at her house anymore, she's sick of the lying and manipulating. He could only swear and carry on about being picked up by the police the night before.

Friday night, Baby Smurf was again the unhappiest kid in the world, and wouldn't take her bottle, which was a bit of a worry. She'd had nothing since Friday morning and my sister was worried about her dehydrating. This went on Friday night and Saturday morning, so she rang Nurse on Call, who advised her to take the Smurfette to the hospital to get her checked out. Six hours at the hospital showed up ... A healthy kid! A close examination of her mouth did reveal a white spot ... She's got a tooth coming in! So the nurses gave Amanda a syringe to shoot the milk into Smurfette's mouth :-) Saturday night she drank a full bottle this way, although she was still very unsettled.

She woke us at 2 a.m. this morning, still cranky, but she had another full bottle via the syringe. It was perfect timing, because it meant that I got to watch the end of the Storm game which was on Channel 9. What a freaking amazing finish! 45 seconds to go and the Storm won! Baby Smurf couldn't figure out why she wasn't the only one yelling in the loungeroom! :-)

Eventually, (a little after 3 a.m.) we all went back to bed. And this morning? Guess who woke up all smiles, with a brand new tooth poking through the gum?

Yep! She did it!

And she was like a totally different kid. For the last few days all she's done is cry and scream and cling to whoever's closest, but today? All smiles. And giggles. It was so awesome to see her feeling so much better!

So, after hanging out with the girls for a while, and cooking pancakes for breakfast, I started packing up to head home. I was so, so tired, (in the last 3 night I would have had maybe three hours each night) and I figured I'd better get going before I realised just how tired I was. As I'm packing, however, the phone rings.

My sister had given her MIL the rent money. And MIL was ringing to say that the rent money was $50 short.

It appears drunk, dickhead brother helped himself to the money last weekend while he was visiting.

Seriously. What next???

So then my sisters boyfriend cracked the shits and they had a screaming fight, which ended when he walked out. Ugh.

I stayed a while longer, helped bath the Smurf and talked to my sister, then I took off.

And now, I'm home. Tired, and just about ready to cry. It just feels like one thing after another, you know?

And my brother. What the hell?

I know I haven't spoken to him in a year and 9 months, and I didn't think that I cared about him that much, but the worry inside me at the moment is just ... Huge. I'm scared. So scared.

And the thing that scares me, and pisses me off, is that he won't change. He's had so many opportunities and he won't change. He keeps drinking and stuffing up and manipulating and lying and what the hell can be done? He's going to end up dead, because we can't frigging do a thing to make him realise that he's wrecking his goddamn life.

Where do we go from here? I'm not speaking to him. My sister isn't speaking to him. Dad has had enough as well. Mum is still trying, and he's breaking her heart. And he doesn't give a fuck, he won't CHANGE.

I don't even know what to say.

Prepare yourself, it's gonna be a long one, folks ...

Well. Here I am. With the ability to type, and think. Yet, for some reason I haven't done a proper entry in a while ... Not sure why.

Has anyone noticed that the Olympics are on? It's only be on the tv non-stop, and all over the news. I've become - like many others - an instant expert in many sports, and have been judging every event I've watched. I'm happy to report that for the most part, the "official" judges have gotten it right ... :-) Australia has done well so far, especially Jessica Schipper, and Stephanie Rice, our swimming superstar, who was also a part of our golden 4x200m relay team. Brenton Rickard and Eamon Sullivan have also done Australia proud, both taking home silver medals.

Beijing 2008 hasn't been without it's fair share of controversy though, with a couple of "faking" scandals - both involving the opening ceremony. There was criticism when it was revealed that the little girl in the red dress who was singing at the opening ceremony ... Wasn't actually singing. And some of the fireworks were digitally inserted into the opening ceremony ... Interesting. While I think it's sad that a child can be left out because she "looks wrong", I guess it says a lot about China. The stories of cenorship that are emerging from the Olympics say much about a country that has a long way to go.

Today I worked at the cafe for three hours. The cafe is in the middle of Bendigo, right near the Bendigo Courts. When I got to work, there was people everywhere outside the Courts, as well as many cameramen and Police. Today, Christiaan Scholl, the truck driver in the Kerang Train Crash, faced a commital trial. On June 5, 2007 Mr Scholl was driving a truck that hit a train near Kerang, which derailed, killing 11 people. What happened that day seems to be nothing more than a terrible tragedy. What I was digusted with today was the news people, chasing Mr Scholl, and witnesses that were called to give evidence in the committal hearing, down the street or across the road, as they walked from the Courts. Those people have to live with what happened that day - being chased from court, and seeing themselves on the news must only make things harder for them. Mr Scholl now has to live with the fact that 11 people died because the truck he was driving hit that train. If the committal hearing finds that there is enough evidence, he will be sent to trial over charges arising from the accident. Even if the committal hearing finds that there is not even evidence, don't you think that he has put himself on trial every single day since that accident? For the rest of his life, he has to live daily with the fact that 11 people died that day. It was an accident - but he will forever be "The driver of the truck in the Kerang Train Tragedy". Give the man some dignity - he does not deserve to be chased from Court when he's been through as much, if not more, than everyone who was there that day.

Has anyone else seen this story? How freaking hilarious is it! Basically, "A scorned woman has literally aired her husband's dirty laundry on a global scale by auctioning his mistress's knickers on eBay. In a spiteful listing on eBay Australia, the jilted Queensland woman is auctioning off a pair of lacy black underpants "size humongous" and an empty condom wrapper "size small" found in her bed after her husband allegedly engaged in an extramarital affair with a woman named Kylie." (Taken from heralsun.com.au) I don't know why anyone would bid on an item like that ... Maybe for the entertainment value?! The full ebay ad can be found here.

I know this entry is bouncing around like crazy ... So let's skip from news to Blogs I've been reading. As always, I've been hanging over at Not Quite What I Had Planned, otherwise known as Kristies place. If you've never checked it out, head over there now and thank me later. I've also been reading Katie's Overflowing Brain. Unlike me, Katie actually updates daily! And she's sarcastic and funny. I've been keeping up with my CaringBridge Kids, and if you want to know what I'm on about ... Check the right hand side of the screen, there's a long list of links there. I'm also still a big fan of PostSecret and Dan, as well as Tori over at I Pretty Much Hate Everything.

What else can I ramble about tonight ...

Well, in family news Baby Smurf, my gorgeous 9 month old niece, had a huge week last week, and not only starting crawling but also cut her first tooth! Rock on, my little Smurf. No longer toothless and now able to get from A to B. What more could a Smurfette want from life? And my little Bug Eyes, well, she just gets smarter and smarter every week. Usually when my sister and I talk on the phone I say hello to Bug Eyes, and each week she says a little more and sounds a little smarter. I'm hoping to get down to see them sometime soon since it's been a couple of months, and I'm sure the girls have grown heaps.

My sister is still in the middle of Wedding-Planning-Madness. Sadly, it'll stay for a while as she's not getting married until the end of 2010. I have to head down soon to find a bridesmaid dress, which will be oh-so-much-fun, I'm sure ... :-P

Gus the fighting fish has floated to that big fishbowl in the sky. It was very unexpected, and happened overnight. I'm thinking of getting another fighting fish and naming him Fergus ...

Last week, I looked after devil dog overnight while Chrissie worked. It was actually a quiet night in terms of destruction - he ate a cube of Post-It notes (about 150 of them) when I fell asleep on the floor while studying, (serves me right!) and broke the clip of my MP3, but other than that things were ok. He sulked pretty much non-stop, and spent most of the night trying to "bury" stuff in my carpet. The next night he stayed at home while Chrissie worked because I was too tired to look after him ... And he chewed a hole in her washing machine hose. Whoops ...

I'm so changing the look of this blog ... It's just shitting me. I'll do it after I finish this entry. I guess I haven't been on here much, so it hasn't annoyed me too much. But now that I look at it ... It's got to go.

Anyway, that's about it from here. Might think of some other stuff to blog about tomorrow ... If not, see you sometime next week!

You hang in there sunshine, you're friggin special.

Damn reality. Interfering again.

Sometimes you think that you've got a handle on a situation. You're in control of things. You're calm, rational, feelin' just fine. Everything's ok.

And then something happens, reality smacks you in the face, you get knocked on your arse, and you realise that maybe, just maybe, you're not handling things as well as you think.

I hate when that happens.

I don't regret ringing DHS on my own brother. I don't care that I may have dumped him in some massive s-h-i-t. I know that I did the right thing. Yes, he's family, he's my blood, but so what? My nephew is family, and he can't take care of himself. He doesn't have anyone to look out for him. His parents should be doing that. They're not.

I know that I did the right thing. I have no guilt, no regrets.

So, why can't I sleep? Why am I literally throwing myself into my work? Why have I cleaned my whole house 4 times in the last week?

It wasn't until today, when a friend pointed out what I was doing that I realised exactly what I was doing. What I always do when I'm stressed. Avoid, avoid, avoid.


Damn reality.

Here we go again ...

Last year, this happened.

Won't go into any more detail ... Suffice to say, it was one of the hardest things we've gone through as a family.

Since then, my brother and his girlfriend have broken up, got back together, moved back in together (regardless of the Protection Order DHS took out for Jordyn stating that Darren wasn't allowed to live with Jordyn). I've now lost all respect I had for my brothers girlfriend. She put Jordyn back in a shitty situation, and why? So she could be with Darren.

There's been a few incidents that have left niggling doubts in my mind about whether Darren should be around Jordyn. Jordyn broke his collarbone. Darren claimed it was because he'd thrown himself on the ground during a temper tantrum. There were some bruises on Jordyn in some photos they sent mum. Just normal kid stuff?

Anyway. Last week, when I was home at mum and dads, my brother rang. At 3 a.m. Drunk. He'd just kicked in a door and smashed a window.

Yeah. That's the kind of environment you want a three year old kid in.

Friday, when I got back to Bendigo. What was the very first thing I did?

Went online, looking for the number of FACS (Family and Childrens Services, as DHS is called in the NT). Once I'd found the number, I rang.

I rang knowing that this would probably tear my family apart again.

I rang knowing that Darren would think I was only doing this to hurt him.

I rang knowing that I'd just dumped my brother in so much deep shit that it was likely that not only would he lose Jordyn, but Lorri would probably lose Jordyn as well.

I rang knowing that the details that I'd given would soon give me away. It won't take them long to realise who has dobbed them in.

But when it comes down to it? I don't really care.

I know my family will get through this. We're strong. My mum can do anything, can hold it together through everything. We'll do what has to be done.

I know that it will be my fault. But I can live with that.

Because, really? All I care about is Jordyn. I want that kid to be happy. I want him to be allowed to play. I want him to be allowed to be a little bit naughty sometimes. All kids are. He should be able to laugh and do something he knows he's not meant to do, without being scared that dad will beat him for it. I want him to grow up in a home that doesn't have a drunk father. I want him to grow up in a house where the number one priority is JORDYN.

Anyway. I guess only time will tell what happens.

Boy, do I love my nieces ...

So, I went to visit my mum and dad yesterday. My sister, her boyfriend and my nieces were also at mum and dads, visiting. This is how my night went last night ...

11:45 p.m. Hit the sack. I'm sleeping in the spare room with my nieces. Bug Eyes is on the futon with me, and Baby Smurf is on the floor on a kids fold-out couch. Spend a few minutes trying to move Bug Eyes to one side of the futon so I can squeeze on there somewhere. She may be small, but the kid has got arms and legs everywhere.

12:15 a.m. Still awake as Bug Eyes has limbs everywhere, and hits me with a knee or an elbow approximately every 45 seconds. Finally manage to drift off sometime after 12:45 a.m.

1:30 a.m. Wake to the sound of Baby Smurf talking to herself. She's not upset or anything ... Just talkin Smurfese.

2:15 a.m. Still awake. So, incidentally, is Baby Smurf, who continues to have a great old conversation with herself. Have now got a headache the size of the Grand Canyon.

2:50 a.m. Baby Smurf is now thumping her legs on the ground. I'm guessing by the sound that she's motored herself off the little kiddy couch and is on the floor, kicking away. I get up to investigate, and nearly stand on her. She has not only moved herself off the couch, she's gotten all the way to the door.

3:00 a.m. The house phone rings. I put Baby Smurf back on her couch, and run out to the loungeroom, thinking that a middle of the night phonecall can't be a good thing. Dad answers, and who ever was on the other end hangs up. He decides to go outside for a smoke, and hands the phone to me.

3:05 a.m. Phone rings again. Answer it to hear my drunk brother saying "I lost my temper and kicked in a door and smashed a window". Hand the phone to mum.

3:20 a.m. Mum, dad, my sister, my sisters boyfriend and I are now all sitting in the lounge. Baby Smurf is still in the spare room, yapping merrily away to herself. Try to figure out what to do with fuckwit brother, who obviously needs some kind of help. What the hell is wrong with him??

3:40 a.m. Mum, dad and sisters boyfriend all head back to bed. Amanda and I get Baby Smurf up and bring her into the lounge room, where she starts to giggle at the fact that she's now got an audience. I tell Amanda to go back to bed, I'll feed the Smurf and put her into bed.

4:00 a.m. Baby Smurf drinks half her bottle, then starts giggling and talking again. Which is friggin cute ... But not at 4 a.m., when all I want to do is sleeeeeep.

4:30 a.m. Baby Smurf is obviously not going back to sleep anytime soon, as evidenced by her talking and her bright eyes. So I put on The Golden Girls, and set her on the floor to kick until her heart is content.

5:00 a.m. I try giving the Smurf the rest of her bottle, hoping that maybe that will make her sleepy. She drinks about half, then settles on my chest while I watch The Golden Girls. If I can just stay here, nice and quiet, she might maybe fall asleep ...

5:25 a.m. Make the mistake of trying to put Baby Smurf into bed. Her eyes immediately fly open and she gets very outraged, and spends the next 15 minutes telling me (loudly) of her disgust in me.

5:50 a.m. We're settled onto the couch again. Baby Smurf is talking quietly to herself, and I'm fighting to keep my eyes open. Finally, finally, she falls asleep, and I spend 15 minutes trying not to move a muscle to make sure she stays asleep.

6:30 a.m. At last! The Smurf goes back to bed. I go to the loungeroom, intending to sleep on the couch. I don't think I even lasted 5 minutes before I was out like a light.

7:05 a.m. Bug Eyes is up! And she can't understand why Aunty Snappz doesn't want to get up and play ...

Would you believe me if I said I'm tired of this ...

It's been ... an interesting few days.

Bear with me here, as my thoughts are really all over the place.

I'm not sure if I've blogged about this yet, (and I'm too damn lazy to look ... Give me a break, it's late) but my brother, otherwise known on this blog as the f***wit, has decided to move his family to Alice Springs.

Alice Springs.

The middle of the freaking country, thousands of kilometres from us.

I don't care that he's gone. Good riddance to him.

All I care about is my nephew. My little man.

I went home to mum and dads on Sunday, as I didn't end up working. I surprised them for Easter. On Sunday night, mum rang my brothers girlfriend, to say Happy Easter and whatnot. I could honestly barely bring myself to speak to her.

In the past, I have done everything I could to help her, and my little man. I've been there for them. When all the stuff with the f***wit happened last year, I went and stayed with them for a week. They've been to stay with me. I've done all I could. Money. An ear to listen. A shoulder to cry on. Someone to help clean the house. A friend. I don't know what more I could do. And still, she went back to the f***wit.

Knowing full well what he was, what he'd done to their son, how he'd hurt my little man, how he'd hurt her, how he'd torn our family apart.

She went back to him.

And now, she's allowing him to move them to the middle of the goddamn country.

It just ... Defies common sense.

Moving thousands of kilometres away from your support system? Where you know no-one, and no-one knows you?

I've been doing some research in the last couple of days. Australia doesn't have a nation-wide child protection service. Each state/territory has it's own Department of Human Services/Department of Children Services, but there's nothing nation wide. If an abused child is moved from one state to another, unless someone does some searching and looks into it, that child will fall between the cracks in the system. How much does that suck? How many children are out there, falling through the cracks, continuing to be abused, because mum and dad packed up and moved because the Department of Human Services was onto them?

It's hard enough, knowing that they are a couple of hours away in Melbourne, not being able to be there, constantly watching, making sure everything is ok. It's always at the back of my mind ... What's going on? Is Jordyn ok? Has the f***wit hit him today? Is he getting enough to eat? Is my little man happy?

I don't understand why she's doing this. What part of her could possibly think that this is a GOOD idea?

It seems really obvious that her number one priority is not my little man. If she had his best interests at heart, if he was number one in her life, she would not be doing this. It is not the best thing for him.

I'm at home, at my parents. My sister, her boyfriend and my nieces arrive tonight.

My back is aching, and my head is killing :-(

Anyway, tonight we got pizza for dinner. Two pieces left in the box, and my dad asked if we wanted it. When mum and I both said no ...

Dad: Well, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.

So, he ate it.

Hahaha.

I can't fix this ...

Ready for a long-winded entry? Well, you probably should be. Either that, or click on the little red X in the top right hand corner :o)

Last night, I was talking to "Dan". (Remember, that's not his real name!) He asked "How's things with your brother?". Now, this was a bit of a surprise. Generally, people don't ask about him. I don't speak about him. My friends know I'd rather not talk about him - I don't ask any of my family about him, so I have nothing to say about him anyway! The only thing I know (via my mum, who told me last week) is that he has a new girlfriend he is living with in Melbourne. When I heard that ... Eh, didn't really care. I was just happy for Lorri, knowing that he was no longer in her life.


January, 2007: Basically, this was the month our family fell apart. The month we were shocked when we realised what had been going on - for months - and made us question just how the hell we'd missed it. This was the month I told my brother that as far as I was concerned he didn't exist. This was the month my brother tried to kill himself. This was the month the whole thing started.

The night before my brother overdosed was the night Lorri rang me and told me that Darren had hit her several times. He'd verbally abused her. That was the night Lorri told me about her suspicions - she had noticed bruises on Jordyn, the stories of how those bruises appeared changed every time she asked Darren. She told me about the change in Jordyn - going from a normal kid, to a scared, withdrawn, quiet kid.

I remember hanging up after speaking to Lorri, and ringing my sisters house. I knew Darren was staying there since he wasn't allowed near Jordyn and Lorri. I remember screaming and crying, telling my sister to tell Darren that he was dead to me, that I never wanted to speak to him again, tell him that he's pathetic and how could he do that to my gorgeous little nephew, what the hell is wrong with him, I never ever want to see him again ... It went on and on.

I rarely lose my temper. That's just not me. I don't see the point in yelling, or getting angry. You speak in anger, you say things you will probably regret later. You say things without thinking, hurtful things.

I can honestly say though, that I don't regret what I said that night. Those things I said? Harsh, yes. But it's what I felt. I will always be proud that I said what I felt. Sure, maybe I could have done it without yelling and screaming and crying, but oh well. Everyone else in my family was standing up for him, protecting him, believing all his lies.

I remember how I felt, the next day, when we found out what had happened. I do not believe, and I will never believe, that he intended to kill himself. The overdose that he took was never going to kill him. What he did was manipulative, and attention-seeking, and there was never any risk. It was done so everyone would feel sorry for him.

Mum and I went straight to Melbourne when we heard. I went for mum. I went for Jordyn. I went for Lorri. I did not go for him. I said straight out on the way to Melbourne that I didn't even want to see him.

I remember, on the way to Melbourne that day, just talking. Just to say something, anything. Just to not have silence. If there was silence, there was time to think.

I also remember mum and I, at 2 a.m., unable to sleep, with "the little men running around" in our heads as mum put it. Talking about what to do, what needed to be done, what could have happened, where to go now. Then getting the giggles over something so stupid I can't even remember what it was. I remember trying to stifle the giggles because we were worried about waking Lorri. I remember getting up at 4 a.m., worried about waking mum after she'd finally fallen asleep, and crashing on the couch for an hour, then being woken at 7 when mum got up.

I remember reading the report DHS had prepared, knowing in my gut that what was in there was right. Incident after incident, right there in black and white. Wondering again, how had it gone on for so long, unnoticed? What kind of aunty was I? I hadn't protected Jordyn from harm. I didn't even realise what was happening. I'd failed him.

The last 6 months has been a mix of memories. Full of fun, with my sister and my niece when they came to stay with me, and with Lorri and Jordyn when they came to stay. Full of drama after drama with Darren, causing trouble, making everything hard for the family. Full of fights between mum and dad, mum and I, mum and Amanda, Amanda and I ... All because of Darren.

Today, Lorri rang me. I haven't spoken to her in almost a month. Until last week, I had no idea that her and Darren had broken up. Today ... As soon as she said hello, I knew that something had changed. She was happy. She wasn't stressed. She wasn't upset. She was free. Free, happy, so relieved and so ... Different. It felt like, for the first time in months, there was something positive coming out of this whole thing. The silver lining on the cloud had finally shown itself. There was a reason that we'd gone through everything we've gone through over the last 6 months.

When Darren and Lorri first met, over three years ago, Lorri was outgoing and outspoken and unafraid. She said what she thought, she stood up for herself, she wasn't scared to be honest. And then, slowly, she changed. She became quiet. She put him first. Everything was about Darren - not upsetting him, making sure he was happy. She made none of the decisions regarding Jordyns routine and discipline. She had to ask if she was allowed to give Jordyn something to eat! When they were here, at my place, in June last year, Jordyn wanted something to eat. Lorri had to ask Darren's permission. That was the first time I ever stood up to Darren. I remember taking Jordyn into my room, then closing the door before I came back into the lounge and had a go at Darren - about the way he'd spoken to Lorri, about the way he treated Lorri and Jordyn. They left in an hurry after that.

Today, there was no sign of that weakness in her. There was only strength, and happiness. I think Lorri has finally realised just how much she'd changed - and she didn't like it.

Finally, something good is coming out of the hell we went through. It doesn't make it ok, it doesn't make it right. But it's nice to know that something good can come of an awful situation.

Random topics today!

Today: Random thoughts and topics. :o)

Several people have emailed me privately to ask if they can *borrow* something from this site. Don't bother emailing, take what you like :o) Some of it's not mine, so I can't stop you anyway *lol* :o) Go wild!

Matty's mum is having a tough time the last few days, coming to terms with the loss of her gorgeous little man. If you have time, drop by the site and leave a note of support for Sandra and the entire Dubuc family. Doesn't have to be deep or meaningful, I'm sure they'd appreciate anything, even just a quick "Hi guys, thinking of you". Also on the CB kids, Hunter is in-patient at the moment, for her LAST in-patient chemo EVER! Go Hunter! :o) Rachel is having a bit of a crappy time at the moment. Brandon has hepatoblastoma, and has just received his new liver! Rock on, Brandon! He's currently doing excellently, and pleasing the doctors! :o) Anna-Jane is doing slightly better after yet another surgery last week. Keep on improving, Anna! :o)

So, today my bruises have darkened, and are now a really deep purple colour ... They actually look kinda cool :o) Still hurt like a brotherpucker though! :o)

Rain, glorious rain! Bendigo has had nearly 60mm in the last 24 hours (just over two inches). Freakin' awesome! :o) Not enough to break the drought, not even close apparently, but every bit helps. Hopefully we get some more good falls in the next few weeks to help out the farmers who really need it. Time to do a rain dance, people ...!

I was reading Liz's comment earlier, and it got me thinking.
Most of the time, my mum is awesome. She will occasionally drive me nuts (like over this whole f***wit thing, or when she nags about my weight, or the state of my house ... etc) but most of the time she and I get along well.
When I lost my job, my mum was the one I went to. My mum was there for me, telling me that whatever I wanted to do, she would support me.
I guess that's why I went to her - because I always knew she would be there.
When my mum found out she was pregnant at 18, her parents disowned her. Her mother told her she never wanted to see mum again because she was a pathetic disgrace. I remember mum telling me that a few years ago, and she said it was right then that she decided that she would never do the same thing to her kids.
My sister left home when she was 16. She was a stubborn, rebellious kid. Who went around to her and tried to talk sense into her? Who gave her money? Who gave her food? My mum did. Who let her move back home when she was 17, after she'd realised that the real world was tough? Mum did. She didn't yell, or tell Amanda to get lost.
And when Amanda left again, mum still kept track of her. Was there when she was needed. Who went to Melbourne after Amanda had her first child and was the typical nervous, confused, tired new parent? Mum did. She didn't interfere, she was just there when she was needed. Amanda would ring mum in the middle of the night, and mum would listen, and offer advice if it was needed.
And when the f***wit got into trouble, mum was there. And I know she won't give up on him, and I know she will do whatever she can to try to help ... And I respect that, I really do. I know, without a doubt, that mum would never desert any of us kids. And I think that's amazing.
I just wish she could realize that I don't feel the same way that she does about the f***wit. I think he should have to prove himself, show that he has changed. I don't think he deserves someone as awesome as mum, working her arse off, trying to help him, doing anything she can for him, while he still lies, and manipulates, and generally acts like an arsehole. He doesn't deserve mum.
I guess the point is, I respect her position, I wish she'd respect mine.

Anyway, to finish off ... Mum was here today, and we went bowling. I haven't gone ten-pin bowling in about 6 years! We had heaps of fun, though, and I got a *Turkey*! Which is apparently what three strikes in a row is called! Mum won the first game, 102 - 91, and thanks to my three strikes, I won the second, 123 - 92. So it evened out :o) Was heaps of fun, and stacks of laughs! :o)

Life keeps on dropping bombs and I keep score

I don't know. Slightly upset ...
Lorri rang tonight. Wanted to know if she can come stay at the end of May, going home after my birthday. Of course I said that's fine. I've always said she's welcome here, even if she wasn't the mother of my nephew, she would still be a part of our family, even though her and the f***wit are no longer together.
(By the way, from now on, I will no longer be mentioning my brother by his name. Henceforth, he will be known as the f***wit. Just so there's no confusion.)
Anyway, Lorri was upset, because the f***wit had told her she wasn't welcome at my house, and she wasn't *allowed* to visit me.
Yeah. Not *allowed* to visit me.
God, I don't even know. What the ...???
So, while I was on the phone to Lorri, just as we said goodbye actually, the call waiting beeped. So I hung up and dialed *10# and my sister's number came up. So I rang, and the f***wit answered, so I asked what he wanted. He wanted to know if I'd been talking to Lorri. I said yes, then told him he had no right to tell her that she wasn't welcome at my house.
Then I hung up. No goodbye. Just the spurt of anger, then ... just ... I don't know.
So now, I'm just ... really down.
I don't know how things got so stuffed up, I really don't.
And it really gets to me that my mother keeps saying "you need to get over it. Just forget it. Don't worry about it."
Well, excuse me, but fuck that for a joke.
My whole life, I have just cruised along. Taking whatever got dished out, never causing any problems, not making waves, watching as Amanda and the f***wit caused dramas and problems.
And I've had enough.
What he (the f***wit) did was unforgivable. He abused a child. He hit a child. His OWN child. His SON. He was an abusive bastard. And instead of taking responsibility for his actions, instead of trying to change, he's still manipulating, lying, causing trouble, drinking, and being a bastard.
I'm not "letting it go". I'm not going to "get over that". Because to me, the most important thing, the most important person in this whole mess, is Jordyn. I want the BEST for that kid. I love him so much, and HE is my number ONE priority. And I won't have anything to do with the f***wit until he is a DECENT, caring, normal father to that gorgeous little man. I will not speak to him until he has changed, until he has shown that he DESERVES to be a part of Jordyn's life. He DESERVES a father who won't hit him, who won't abuse him, who won't swear at him. He DESERVES to be a kid.
And if it doesn't happen? If the f***wit doesn't change? Then I will ring Human Services. I will ring the police. I will do whatever I can to keep him away from my gorgeous little nephew. I will do what I have to.
Pretty simple, really.
And in the meantime? I won't back down. I will talk to my mother. I will talk to my father. I will talk to my sister. But I will NOT talk to the f***wit. And I will not "let it go".

Eh ... ?

Realistically, I know that I've lost my job. But it kind of feels as if I'm simply on holidays ...
Anyway, there's not much happening here. My sister rang on Thursday to tell me that I'm going to be an aunty again (for the 3rd time). Gotta say, it wasn't really a suprise, and I don't think this baby was an "accident". I don't think mum is too happy about it, but what can you do?
Thursday was a busy day, I had my house inspection in the morning, which went well, and then I went to centrelink, to be told (after I'd stood in line for 25 freakin minutes) that I have to apply over the phone. So I came home and rang up, only to be told that I have to wait 6 weeks to apply. 6 weeks. What am I meant to live on in the mean time??
Also had the appointment with the psychiatrist (is that spelt right?) on Thursday. It went pretty well. I feel like ... this whole thing has made me realise that trying to please everyone else, and putting everyone else first, isn't any way to live. So I'll be saying what I think from now on, and doing what I want, and saying "NO" to people if they want me to do something that's a bit too much. I think the whole problem has been that I just took on too much, and instead of trying to stop and ask for help, instead of thinking about it, and dealing with it properly, I just kept going. And look where it landed me! No job + mental breakdown = not the best position to be in.
Yesterday was a down day, very quiet all morning, and then I slept all afternoon. Got up, had some dinner, watched the NRL (thank god it's back!) then fell asleep on the couch again, and slept there all night. I think I need some kind of routine, because I am tired all the time. And I know that's from not doing much, as well as the depression, and I can't keep sleeping all the time. This morning it was 11 a.m. before I got out of bed, and I went to sleep about 11 p.m. last night! 12 hours! So I think today I might try to work out a routine and see how I go.
Anyway. I've yet to have a shower or get organised for today (not that I have any plans ...) so I should probably go do something about that.
** "Later, dudes" **

The **full** story about my family situation

** copied from my other blog **
** originally posted on the 21/01/2007, on my msn space **


full update on the last 2 weeks ...
so ... as you may have guessed, my holidays didnt explain turn out to be all that relaxing or fun ...
um ... where to start. ok, my first day of holidays was tuesday the 9th. the next day i went to melbourne to stay with amanda. i planned on staying there from wednesday to sunday. on thursday darren and lorri finished up at QEC, which is where they had been staying for 2 weeks. Department of Human Services (DHS) were concerned about Jordyn, that he wasnt where he should be developmentally and they were also worried because he's fairly small for his age. so darren and lorri had to stay at the Queen Elizabeth Centre (QEC) in melbourne for 2 weeks, so DHS could see how the parented Jordyn. the QEC also runs programs and stuff during the day to help people become better parents.
anyway.
darren and lorri and jordyn got to amanda's on thursday afternoon with the news that DHS had taken out a protection order for jordyn, based on what they'd observed in the 2 weeks the three of them were at the QEC. the protection order was against darren, saying that he was not allowed to be near jordyn at all, and that he could not go home to their house to live. it was only a temporary protection order, for 8 days. the following friday, DHS would take it back to court after they had decided whether to extend the order or allow darren to go home.
on thursday night while darren and lorri were at amanda's, i refused to speak to darren because of the way he treated lorri and jordyn, and the way he spoke to them. so i spent most of thursday night in the spare room at amandas, avoiding darren. lorri and jordyn only stayed at amandas for an hour or so, before leaving for home.
on friday morning, i decided to go home early. i left amandas at 9, and was home in bendigo at 1. i knew that if i stayed, darren and i would end up in a massive fight, because i was so angry at him, and the way he was being such an asshole.
friday night, christine and jason came to stay. they went out to get some dinner, while i hung around home. while they were gone, lorri rang. remembering what she said still makes me want to cry.
lorri told me that darren had hit jordyn, at least twice that she knew of.
lorri told me that darren had been abusive/agressive and violent toward her.
i got off the phone, and i was so angry and upset. i rang amanda and told her to tell darren that i never wanted to speak to him again, and that as far as i was concerned, i no longer had a brother, and he didnt exist. i was yelling and crying, and i can honestly say i hated darren right then. and if he'd been standing in front of me, i would have attacked him.
i hated him.
christine and jason got back here to find me crying, and i spent the night saying to christine ... "he's just a kid. jordyn's just a gorgeous kid. and darren fucking hit him. HE'S JUST A KID!"
saturday i'd calmed down a bit. i didnt want to ruin christine and jason's weekend, so i spent the day being a dickhead with chrissie. i got out of the house for a while so they'd have some time alone. saturday night we all watched tennis and a dvd.
sunday morning we all got up about 11 and made pancakes, and somehow christine and i ended up having a food fight ... not a massive one, but about 1 when i was still cleaning jam out of my hair and off my face my mum rang.
mum rang to tell me that on saturday night darren had overdosed and was in hospital.
mum was hysterical, so i spent the first 10 minutes of the phonecall trying to get her to calm down. she said she would be coming to bendigo, then going to melbourne to see him and lorri and jordyn. she asked if i wanted to go with her, and i said no.
i didnt think i could handle it, i was so upset and angry with darren still, and i was just ... confused. i dont know. i got off the phone and chrissie and jason were standing there just looking at me, trying to figure out what was going on. i was shaking and for some reason my voice just didnt want to work. the tears were also starting to fall.
jason left a few minutes later, and chrissie sat with me on the couch as i cried and cried. i didnt even know why i was really crying. i just cried and cried, big huge sobs, that just didnt want to stop. about half an hour later i got myself together, and rang to see if mum had left yet and dad said she had. he also asked me to go to melbourne with mum, so i said i'd think about it.
i ended up throwing some stuff into my backpack and jumping on the train with mum. when we got to melbourne, lorri and jordyn had driven in from phillip island to pick us up. it took about 2 hours to get back out to phillip island, and i spent the whole time entertaining jordyn while mum and lorri talked about everything.
when we finally got to lorri's house, mum and lorri took off for the hospital and i stayed at the house with jordyn. i gave him some tea and then put him to bed. then i spent the next 3 hours just wandering around the house ... cleaning, crying, thinking, trying to watch tennis, answering the phone ... it was all so surreal.
mum and lorri got home from the hospital about midnight. they said that darren was ok, but that they thought he was up to something, because everything mum said he agreed with. mum told darren he was going home to kerang to live with mum and dad again, and that he would be getting a job and going to counselling.
on monday darren was discharged from hospital. because he couldnt go back to house if jordyn was there, lorri drove him and mum to melbourne to stay at amandas. i stayed with jordyn again, we spent the afternoon just hanging out, with me trying to make sense of everything ... i didnt have much luck.
lorri got home late monday night and we decided i'd stay with her and jordyn until thursday. on tuesday mum and darren went home to kerang. it was friggin hot on tuesday, even on the island with the sea breeze. the power went out on tuesday night so we ended up going to the beach for a couple of hours. just getting out of the house, no phones, just jordyn and lorri and i, chilling out, was so awesome. i think it was what we all needed, just a couple of hours so we didnt have to think about any of it, we just focused on making sure jordyn was having fun splashing around in the water. we all had a great time.
we got home tuesday night and darren had rung lorri a few times, and she went onto msn messenger and he was on their hassling her about whether or not she was going to wait for him, whether she'd find someone else while he was away and all that kind of crap.
there was NO MENTION of his son, my gorgeous little nephew JORDYN.
(mum said that on sunday night, darren didnt ask about jordyn either or even mention him)
wednesday lorri and i decided to get out of the house again and we went for a walk down the main street and had a look in a few shops. i spoilt my gorgeous little man, buying him heaps! wednesday night lorri and i had another long talk, where i turned into counsellor rach again (for the 500th time that week!)
thursday morning darren rang while lorri was stll in bed, and turned into a fucking asshole when i told him i wasnt going to wake lorri up just so he could talk to her. he rang again half an hour later and he had another go at me so i ended up saying goodbye and just hanging up. then lorri and i took jordyn into the maternal health nurse, and we left straight for melbourne from there.

ok, i started this entry 50 minutes ago so i might take a break ... think it must be getting near the word limit anyway.


read previous entry first. this is my second entry tonight ... a continuation.
um ... where was i ...
thursday ... got into the station and the next train wasnt for an hour, and as it was still fairly warm i told lorri not to wait around for me to leave. i didnt want jordyn in the heat, and i knew lorri had a long trip home.
i think them leaving made me finally realising how much i'd been avoiding dealing with everything that had happened. because all week, all i was focused on was lorri and jordyn. so i got on the train with nothing to do but think.
and that was when the tears started.
i cried on and off all the way to bendigo (thank god for sunglasses to hide behind). it wasnt lots of crying, just a few tears here and there before i could get myself together again before i'd get upset and have another little cry, then i'd calm down ... needless to say, it was a long trip home. not helped by the fact that a pushy old lady moved my bag and sat right next to me, also taking up half my seat in the process. if there's one thing i really hate, it's sitting next to someone on the train or bus. i cant handle it, i just hate it.
anyway.
when i got home, late thursday arvo, it really hit me. just me here, with nothing to do but think about every single thing that had happened. i had no one to worry about, no gorgeous little man to entertain, no upset sister in law to talk to ... just me. and my thoughts. and my DAMN TEARS. i ended up sitting on my bed, having a total breakdown, crying for 40 minutes, just letting everything out. i know i probably needed it, but it was confusing, because i didnt know why i was crying, who i was crying for, and i didnt understand why i couldnt stop crying.
finally calmed myself down and sat on the couch, just staring out the window for a while. so many thoughts just kept going back and forth ...
what if darren had died?
why did he do that? was he really trying to kill himself or did he just want sympathy?
what the hell had he been doing to jordyn?
why hadnt lorri said something about how darren had treated her?
why hadnt i noticed that something was wrong? why hadnt SOMEONE noticed that something was wrong?
is jordyn going to be ok? is lorri going to be ok?
whats going to happen now, how the hell are we going to deal with this?
what the hell .... ????????
friday afternoon i went back to work ... thought i should speak to lisa about what was going on in case i need to take more time off work ... got about 2 words out (no joke) before the tears started AGAIN. lisa was really good, i told her everything that was going on and she was actually really nice and supportive and said just to tell her if i need time off or anything.
friday night mum rang to say that DHS had gone back to court. the protection order was extended. for 12 MONTHS. which im so happy about. darren doesnt deserve lorri and jordyn, and hopefully 12 months will give him time to grow the fuck up and become a decent partner and father.

anyway, there's more to say, but i worked this morning (yesterday morning now, it's after 12) so i was up at 5 after only 4 hours sleep, so i might have to go crash. im friggin exhausted. tonight i will be sleeping in my own bed for the first time since tuesday 9th. yeah, seriously. when i got home from melb, christine and jason had my room, then i was at lorri's, and since i got home thursday night i've been sleeping in the lounge with the airconditioner coz inside the house has been fairly hot and yuckky, but tonight the house is nice and cool so i can sleep in my BED! woo hoo.

I quit.

I'm really not in a very good mood today. I'm staying at mum and dad's for tonight, and going home tomorrow. Tonight, my brother gets back from Melbourne. I will spit in his face. Well, no I won't ... But I will want to.
He has told his girlfriend that if she wants to work things out with him, she can't speak to me. Which means I can't speak to her or my nephew because my brother is a f***ing prick.
Ahh, yes. I am in a charming mood.
When I heard this last night (he rang mum to tell her) I was so upset. I spent the night trying not to cry. I dont know why. I was just upset.
Now I'm just PISSED OFF.
I quit my family ...

Family ties, family ... fights.

I used to look at people who didnt speak to members of their own family, and wonder what had happened, how they could just not speak to someone from their own family, that they are related to. what could possibly make someone turn their back on family?

well... now I know.

the last 8 or so weeks in our family have been ... difficult, to say the least. very difficult.

it started with my brother overdosing on prescription pills (for depression). my mum and I immediately went to melbourne to stay with his girlfriend, and son, where we learnt about many things that had been going on that we had no idea about.

my brother had been violent and aggressive towards his girlfriend.

he had verbally abused her.

he had deprived my nephew of food, and imposed a routine on him (a 2 year old) that was unreasonable and bordered on neglectful.

he had, on at least 2 seperate occasions, hit him/treated him roughly enough that he caused bruising to my nephew.

there were numerous time that my nephew had been seen with brusies that my brother, as primary caregiver for my nephew, had not been able to explain how or why the bruises occured, or when he did give such an explanation, the explanation changed, depending on who he was speaking to.


the feelings that mum, I, my sister, my dad, my brothers girlfriend and my nephew have experienced in the last 8 or so weeks, have been ... turbulent. fear, when we heard that he was in hospital, having taken an overdose. anger, trying to figure out what the hell he was thinking and what he thought he was doing. grief, of a kind, at the thought of what could have happened. blame, when we realised what had been happening. guilt, because we hadn't picked up on the cues, and we *should* have. confusion, for my nephew, because his dad just disappears.

and now, I'm one of *those* people. who wont speak to a member of their own family. I have to be honest, the thought of just looking at him, makes me want to spit in his face, or hit him. because I am disgusted.

how could he treat a gorgeous, smart, amazing kid, my beautiful nephew, like that? how could he do that to his own son?

what makes a person do that? what the hell is wrong with someone that they hit, and bruise, a child?

what makes a person treat the one that they *claim* to love like they're nothing?

so, I will no longer speak to him. as far as im concerned, he does not exist. I am ashamed, so ashamed, that he is my brother. he is related to me, and he did such horrible things.

the other day, I admitted to one of my friends that my brother could die tomorrow, and I dont think that I would grieve that much. how sad is that? he's turned into such an arsehole, such a horrible person, that I would not care should something happen to him. and it's not that I'm emotional, or that I'm just saying that. I am so disgusted by the person he has turned into, that I honestly do not believe I would miss him.

how harsh is that? how much of a bitch does that make me sound? what kind of person says that?

I don't know whether I just want to hurt him, like he has hurt our family, so very, very badly, or whether I honestly don't care about him any more. I don't know. all I know is that I can't imagine a time when I will ever speak to him again. I can't imagine a situation that would make me want to speak to him.

and now, I'm one of *those* people.