Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Maybe it is time to move. 

This whole time, I have been so proud of myself because I felt like I wouldn't let him push me out of my house. Like I'd survived the worst he could do to me, and then said to him, "fuck you. You won't force me from my own house, the one place in the world that's meant to be completely safe for me." 

But lately ... Lately I'm reminded every where I look that he's still around. That even though I might not see him, he's still there. Still hanging around, meaning that I get constant reminders of what happened. Like tiny little shocks, over and over. And at some point, you think the shock will lessen, that you will get used to it and it won't affect you anymore ... But it hasn't happened like that. It still hurts every single time. It still makes me flash back, every single time. It still shocks me, upsets me and puts me ten steps backwards, every single time. 

And I'm getting so, so tired of it. 

Maybe it's time to move. 

Saturday, June 08, 2013

I wonder if you know.

Do you know who he is? What he is? This person that you're apparently engaged to … Do you know what kind of person he is? Deep down inside? Do you know what he's done?

Do you know that almost one year ago, he held me down and raped me, so brutally that I bled? That when I told him he had made me bleed, he simply laughed … Do you know that?

I wonder what he's told you. Has he told you that it was consensual? Maybe he told you that I wanted it, that I changed my mind afterwards?

Maybe he's told you it was nothing.

It wasn't "nothing". It wasn't consensual. I was begging him to stop. I cried and I begged, while it felt like he was ripping me apart.

I wonder if he's told you that I'm just trying to ruin his life. That I'm just trying to cause trouble.

I'm not. I could care less about him. I just want him to pay for what he did.

Because he knows. Deep down, whether he admits it or not, he knows what he did. He won't tell you that he raped me … But that's what happened. And he knows it. And so do I.

I wonder if you know.

I wonder if you'll find out the hard way what kind of person he is.

Tuesday, June 04, 2013

Home sweet home ...

Just a couple of photos from our lightning fast QLD trip ... Did the Mary cairns Cross Rainforest walk and visited the Glasshouse Mountains. It never ceases to amaze me how beautiful Queensland is. 
Sad to be home and back to reality, but aldo nice to be in my own bed. 

Monday, June 03, 2013

Stronger ...

You didn't think that I'd come back
I'd come back swinging
You try to break me, but you see
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Tonight, I write from Brisbane. I arrived this afternoon for a flying visit with a mate. We're catching up with another friend we went to high school with. 
After a beautiful really late lunch/very early dinner at the gorgeous Breakkie Creek Hotel, we headed back to E's, where we have spent the night watching DVDs and having a great laugh. So relaxing! 

Tomorrow we're heading to the Glasshouse Mountains, then we head home mid-afternoon. A mini-break was so needed. I feel much lighter for getting away from life, even if it is only a brief break. 

Tomorrow night, it's back to the real world, with the worries and stresses that come with that. Until then, I'm not thinking about any worries, any anxieties. I'm going to relax and enjoy each moment of this break from reality, in a place where the sun shines and I can laugh easily. 

Sweet dreams, one and all. 

Sunday, June 02, 2013

Happy birthday to me.

This time one year ago, I was just hours away from 29. Things were looking good. I had a plan for finishing uni, then starting again to do teaching. I had a happy and healthy family. I was looking forward to a four week holiday just a couple of months down the track.

Less than four weeks later, my entire life was turned upside down and every single part of my life was changed after I was raped. 

So many times over the last eleven and a half months, I've fought to keep going. I had days where all I wanted to do was walk out in front of traffic. Days where taking it day by day was too much, I had to take it hour by hour, sometimes even 10 minutes at a time. Days where I felt so broken, so raw, so depserately disconnected from the world.

Days where I doubted I'd ever be anything close to the person I used to be.

it was the most horrific year of my life. That night ... I thought he was going to kill me. That night was hell on earth, and I lived through it.

I lived through it. That thought has kept me going, even in my darkest moments. The hardest part is over. I lived through the horror of what he did to me. I lived through it, even though he tried his hardest to break me. To intimidate me.

I know I will never be the person I was before the rape again. That girl, she is gone forever. He has changed and impacted every single part of my life.

But I am stronger. I am stronger now than I've ever been. I might falter some days. I might fall apart sometimes. But, inside me, I am stronger. I really do believe that I'm coming out the other side. I'm walking back into life. I'm making plans again. I hope to have uni finished by the end of this year, ready to do teaching at La Trobe next year. My plans took a detour, but I'm getting there.

Happy birthday to me. Watch me rock 30. This will be my year. And no rapist, no bastard coward will get in my way. Happy birthday indeed.