Sometimes I miss the girl I was before the rape.
Sometimes I can hardly remember what that girl was like.
Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be anything close to that girl again.
Sometimes I wonder what the hell I did to deserve this.
Sunday, July 06, 2014
Sometimes, I get tired of fighting.
Sometimes, I just want to sit down and give up, because I feel like I've had my fair share ... and then some.
Sometimes, I wonder how I've made it this far, after everything that's been thrown at me.
Sometimes, I think I'm such a badass motherfucker because I've survived and I've kept going, even after all the damn obstacles that have been thrown in my path.
But sometimes, like tonight, it's just all to much. It's overwhelming, and I feel like I have to fight for everything lately. Why do I have to fight so fucking hard?
My state has a Victims of Crime Assistance program. You can apply for compensation for lost wages, which occurred as a result of the crime. I have missed a lot of work since the rape. For counselling mainly, with a few doctors appointments as well. All that time was unpaid. The amount of money is substantial - well over $5000. I put my claim in last March. It has been 16 months, and we are still waiting for the claim to be heard. The first lawyer who handled the case caused delay after delay. In March of this year, I changed to another lawyer. The first one either could not or would not provide my file to the new lawyer, further delaying my case. Three and a half weeks ago, I had to go see a psychologist to have a report written stating that I need to attend counselling. The psychologist stated it would take two weeks for the report to be written and submitted to the court. We are still waiting.
I don't understand why it's all so fucking hard. It's all so fucking complicated, and I'm so fucking tired of it. I've had enough. I just want it to be done. It has been two years since my rape, and I feel like this whole process is keeping the wound open. I cannot heal because this is so unfinished.
I have to constantly remind the lawyer to chase things up. Why do I have to do that? I feel like it's more fighting that I have to do. I'm just so tired of it all.
I had to move house 6 weeks ago. After the rent went up at my old place, I couldn't afford to stay any longer. So I packed up my life and moved to a new, cheaper house. It's older, nowhere near as nice as my old place, but that's okay. I loved the fact that it had a garage so I could walk to work (my work is in walking distance, it's ridiculously close) and hide my car in the garage. I HATE that my rapist knows my car. I HATE that he could figure out I'd moved, just by seeing my car at the new place. Unfortunately, what I didn't realise was that the garage is unusable. It's jammed/broken. So now I have no choice but to park my car out on the street. I've taken to parking a few houses away. Even though the chances of my rapist finding me/stalking me again are pretty slim, it's still a big fear that I have, and I feel a tiny bit safer having taken some small precautions.
I did of course ring the real estate and ask them to have a look at the garage, and then a week later I called them and asked them to have a look at the lock on my back door which has jammed ... And neither of those things have been done. It's been four weeks since the requests, and nothing ... I don't have any fight left in me to get them to do the maintenance that should be done. I just can't keep fighting, I need to pick my battles.
Work has also been one constant battle after another. My company took over another company 18 months ago. Some of those people at the company we took over are STILL fighting change and refusing to do things the way our company wants us to do them. It's resulted in me starting work at 6:30 some mornings, finishing late, and doing other peoples work because they just don't feel like doing it. I'm so tired of it! I'm pissed off. I watch these people who "choose" what they want to do, and just ignore everything else. How is that fair? Sure, leave the shitty jobs for everyone else, why the hell not? Again, I've given up fighting. I have tried and tried. I even went to HR, which is a HUGE step for me, because I hate conflict and upsetting people. Our HR manager tried to sort something out ... But the opposition she faced was obviously too much, so she just gave up. So I'll just go to work, do my shit, and come home. No overtime, no doing work that isn't mine, no going out of my way to help people who don't give a shit about me or won't help me.
Anyway, this is just the cheeriest little update ever, isn't it? I guess it's just loose change, which has been floating around in my head for the last few weeks, and I need to get it out. I'm hoping against hope that the psychologists report will go in this week and the Victims of Crime people can finally decide whether or not I'm entitled to lost wages. I'm hoping that the real estate will actually get back to me and fix my frigging door and garage. I'm hoping that I can stop fighting for every damn thing and just start living and laughing again.