Friday, March 30, 2007

The one where I'm just ... Down.

So, today isn't the best day. Don't know what's wrong ... Just down.
It's cold here today. We've gone from 35 last week, and having the air conditioner on all day, to about 15 today. I've actually got the heater on today, coz the house is frickin freezing, and also coz I washed a heap of clothes last night and now I have no way to dry them (it's raining!).
I have done much today ... Moved the big desk into my room, then cleaned the lounge ... Now I'm just sitting here not doing much at all.
Matty's mum, Sandra, posted before about Matty's wake and funeral. It's beautiful and heartfelt, but I feel for them as they try now to adjust to their "new normal". They've been kept occupied, arranging the last few days, and have been surrounded by people, being kept busy, but now they have to find their feet again without their gorgeous boy with them. If you'd like to leave a message of support for Johnny, Sandra, Zach and Chris, the website is
Don't know what I'm going to do this afternoon. I'm getting so bored and frustrated, and I need a job, something to do, whatever, something ...
Wow, I can actually see the sun coming out a tiny little bit!
I don't know what's wrong with me. Thinking about going off Zoloft, I don't know that it's doing anything to help me, and I'm just ready to give up.
Blah. I'm guessing you didn't come here to listen to me bitch and moan, so I might just take off :o) Have a great day.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Oh well.

I have the biggest. Headache. Ever. I'm not sure why. All I know is that it feels like my head is really going to explode. I'm going to do this update, then I'm having a bath, then it's **B.E.D**
I went to the doctor's today, to get a refferal for counselling, only to be told that I had to have a *special*, extended consultation with the doctor, that couldn't be done today, so I would have to go back and pay $160 for said consultation.
The man knows that I am unemployed. Where the hell am I meant to pull $160 from?? So tomorrow I will ring the Community Centre and sign up for the free counselling sessions they have. Because they're free, there is usually a 6 - 8 week wait though.
At least I won't have to pay $160.
Other than that, there wasn't much to my day. Had lunch with Di, and Maureen, which was nice. Maureen told me everyone at Safeway knows what happened ... Thanks for nothing, Safeway. So much for a bit of confidentiality, or even just a tiny bit of general courtesy. After everything that I put into my work, all the over time, and extra shifts, and this is what they do?
Yeah, I do have a tiny bit of a chip on my shoulder about it.
Oh well.

Damn Telstra *Fu**ers*!

The electrictian is here at the moment, fixing my stove and my spare room light ... Finally! I put the request in to the real estate agency in January! Quick service, I tell you!
Other than that, not much happening here. Mum went home yesterday afternoon. I spent the arvo hanging with Christine, trying to find out if she could get broadband on her new laptop (jury is still out, i refuse to believe what Telstra is saying - that she can *only* get wireless internet - which is $299 to install, then at least $40 a month). Then we came back here and ate apple pie for dinner. Oh yeah, I'm such a healthy human. I wonder why my jeans don't fit anymore ... ?
Ahh well. Today I think I'm going out for lunch with Di, and possibly Maureen and Tiff. I'll have to wait until I hear from Di. I'm hoping it's just Di, although it would be nice to see Maureen and Tiff.
This afternoon I have a doctors appointment, but it's not until 5:45. I'm hoping that I get in on time, so I can catch the last bus home instead of having to walk (the doctor is about a 45 minute walk from here). Daylight savings has ended, so it now gets dark at 6:30 or so.
Got a phone bill yesterday, and an electricity bill ... Don't know how I'm meant to pay them. Guess I'll just have to hope that the *money fairy* visits me ...
Anyway. That's about it from here. Might update tonight after I've been to the doctor.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Half rant / Half normal entry.

Just in case you missed my earlier update ... Heaven has two beautiful new angels tonight. Both Matty ( and Blair ( are now flying free, without pain and worry. They fought for a long time, and have truly earned a rest. R.I.P. Matty and Blair.

Not much other news from here. Mum's still here (came down on Sunday morning) and I think she's going home tomorrow. Darren's being a proper asshole, and I swear to god the next time I talk to him I will lose it. I've had enough of him being a prick, worrying the hell out of mum. Mum is doing every god-damn thing she can for him and he's so fucking selfish he does not care, and acts like it's everyone elses fault if things go wrong. Eg: he is not meant to be near Jordyn, and he is staying, at Lorri's house, with Lorri and Jordyn. And today he rang mum saying he thinks that someone knows he's there. Mum tried and tried and tried to warn him that he would get caught. Then she tried to help him today, telling him to go to Amanda's and get out of the house ... So what does he do? He goes and gets fucking drunk. Oh yeah, that'll help things. Mum was nearly in tears when she rang him to see what was going on. And he spoke to her as if it's all her fault, and I hate him so much for it. I feel like screaming at him, telling him he's fucking pathetic, telling him to grow the fuck up, because I hate what he's doing to mum and dad, and I hate what he's doing to my nephew, I hate him for being such a loser that he doesn't get a job, I hate him for manipulating everyone, I hate him because of everything he does, all the trouble he's caused.
God. What a rant that turned into. I think maybe I do need to go to counselling.
Anyway. Mum and I did some shopping today, and that was about it. We had roast chicken and scalloped potatoes for dinner tonight (mmm, yummy) and then mum made home-made apple pie ... **Yummy**
Not sure what I'm doing tomorrow. Probably not much. Think mum is going home about lunch time, then I'll probably go chill with Chrissie in the afternoon.
Anyway, it's getting a little late, so I think I might head to bed. Once again, please, please, if you have 5 minutes, drop by Matty's and Blair's caringbridge sites, and leave their families a message at this terrible time. I'd imagine it really would feel like hell on earth for them at the moment, and all the support they can get will probably be gratefully received. Matty's guestbook has been signed 250 times today, and I think it's only about 9:30 am over in the States. Please head on over and give them your support if you're able to. Thanks!

Monday, March 26, 2007

R.I.P. Matty

Sweet little Matty lost his battle earlier today. He fought so long, and for so hard, he has now earnt his rest in Heaven. His parents, Johnny and Sandy, and his brothers, Chris and Zach, are now adjusting to a new normal - life without their gorgeous little Matty. If you get a chance, please drop by their site and leave them a note - I'm sure they'd appreciate it. His website is


To Matty's family ... Though many of us never had the fortune to meet Matty, or any of the Dubuc family, we grieve the loss of a very special, very beautiful child. We cry, because we love him for what he showed us - he showed us hope, courage, dignity, grace, strength, and how to believe. We cry, because we loved him after he won our hearts, and because Matty was an amazing child. We cry, because we know that Earth is a lesser place for having lost such a wonderful spirit. We cry, because we love all of you and we know the pain that you are in at the moment is unfair, and unfixable. We cry because you cry. We cry because we want Matty back. We cry because we miss him.
To Sandy and Johnny, Chris and Zach ... Although many of us are simply internet friends, we love you. We love Matty. Our thoughts are with you, and your extended family at this time. It must feel like hell on earth to know that your gorgeous little man is no longer here.
Matty, keep an eye on your family, huh? They're missing you so bad. Let them know you're never far away.

R.I.P. Matthew Dubuc.

** Added @ 9:35 pm - I have just learned that Blair, another gorgeous CaringBridge angel, has also gone to heaven. Blair had leukemia, but has also been battling with RSV and lungs that tried and tried to heal, but just couldn't. Fly free Blair, you no longer have pain, or sadness or sickness in you life. If you'd like to leave a message of support for Blair's family, her website is

Friday, March 23, 2007

5 hours ...

5 hours ... 65 songs ... Only 185 to go ...

The one where I mumble under my breath *A LOT*

No nap today. Which is actually kinda suprising, since I got about 3 hours sleep last night. Actually, I don't think it was even that much.
And now I'm in a shitty mood (not depressed/sad/down ... shitty. Pissed off.) and I don't know why. It might have something to do with my mum, and the grilling I got before. God. She's had no idea what's been going on in my life up until this point, and *now* she wants to know everything? *Now*, when I need a bit of space to get my head together, she wants to question everything and check my every move? *Now*? What's with that?
My new MP3 player arrived today, and I've spent (no joke) almost 7 hours trying to get songs onto it. 6 hours and 45 minutes of that I've been swearing under my breath at the *stupid-utter-crappy-piece-of-garbage-oh-my-god-ipods-really-are-the-best-what-was-i-thinking-this-is-shitty-and-a-total-rip-off*. I don't really care if that sentence doesn't make sense, by the way (and no, I wasn't kidding when I said I was in a shitty mood, can you tell? :o)) Finally, finally, after hours surfing the net and downloading conversion programs, I figured out how to do it at 5:30 this afternoon (my MP3 player arrived at 9 am ... I've been trying since about 9:15) but it's a slow process, and I've been going for almost 2 hours and I think I've converted and successfully onto the MP3 player about ... 40 songs. Yeah. Only another 200 to go!
Not much other news from here. Got a bit more ebay money in today. Some of it went into my pay-pal account, so now I have to wait until it goes into my bank account and clears, which will be the middle of next week, but ahh well. What can you do?
Anyway. Tonight, while my songs convert and toddle themselves over onto the MP3 player, I'm on a mission to clean my entire house. It's fairly neat, but there are some messes that could do with a little organising. My bed hasn't been made all week. I've got a few dishes to wash, and I want to mop the kitchen floor. I want to move the printer from the middle of the spare-room floor where it's currently sitting (yeah ... sad, but true) and into my room so I don't have to go get it every time I need to print something. And I want to clean off my kitchen table, since a whole lotta crap seems to have gathered there :o) And it's Friday night soooo ... *NRL night!* :o) Anyway, I'm out. Have a great night.

Because I'm bored. Because I can't sleep. Oh hell, because I can ...

Why oh why ...

Why oh why do I keep having one-hour naps in the afternoon when I know it's just going to mean that I won't sleep that night??! Why oh why am I even having a nap at 23 years old?!
Seriously. Another sleepless night looms. I don't know whether it's because I'm all over the place with my zoloft, or because I'm just all over the place emotionally and as a result am unable to sleep ... But a couple of hours at night and one hour during the day is just wrecking me. I can't keep going like this!
I'm still making my way through Kendrie's CB site ( It's a lottt of reading! And as Kristie hasn't updated today, I have to get my fix somehow!
Just quickly, in other CB news, Hunter ( spent today in the ICU and I'm sure her mum Katie could use some support. Stop by and sign their guestbook if you have a chance! Matty ( is marching on, with his army of *BELIEVERS* behind him, and had another ok day yesterday! Lillie ( is having a bit of a rough day and not feeling the best, thanks to that nasty chemo stuff. Anna-Jane ( is also having a rough time with a new type of chemo they're trying to beat that hepatoblastoma once and for all. As usual, these are just a FEW of the kids who are having a crappy time at the moment. I'm sure their families would love it if you could stop by and say Hi!
Not much other news from here. Only left the house once today, for 15 minutes to go to Coles, and that was at night (just a couple of hours ago) so I didn't have to deal with too many people. Man, I'm turning into some kinda anti-social cow!
Anyway. That's about it. No more grumbles from me tonight :o) Peace out.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Damn money.

So, a kind-of productive morning ... Washing. Dishes. Tidied lounge. Cleaned bathroom and put some Drano down the drain. Cleaned out bathroom cabinet.
Still to do ... Tidy spare room. Spend the rest of the afternoon going all-out on the job search. Got a gas bill this morning in the mail- $45. Not a lot, pretty good actually, but the reality is that it's $45 more than I have right now.
Anyway. Still having trouble with the iPod sale. Am seriously thinking of just re-listing it. I just don't think that I'd get as much for it as this guy is willing to pay. MP3 players are soooo cheap on e-bay, and most of them are brand new. I refuse to sell it for less than $170 though, which is $130 less than I paid for it and it's only 5 months old! I don't know. I guess I'll just have to see how things go.
I have a few hundred dollars put away, which I've hesitated to use, because who knows how long it'll be before I get a job (or Newstart from Centrelink)? If I use that now, what am I meant to do in a few weeks? My rent isn't cheap, and it'd only cover a couple of weeks rent anyway. I swear to god, as soon as I get a new job, I am saving every cent that doesn't get spent on rent and bills, **just in case**. Because, **just in case** can easily happen and I'd rather not find myself in this situation ever again :o)
I need to get my Zoloft prescription filled again because I have one tiny little tablet left, and I've been trying to stretch them out (only taking a tablet every second or third day) which, as it turns out, isn't a great idea, it makes you reallly dizzy and nauseous. And of course, I don't have the money for it, so I don't know what I'm meant to do tomorrow when the zoloft runs out.
God, I've never worried about money before. I always worked, got what I wanted. It may have taken a while, but I kept working for what I needed/wanted. And now, it feels like I'm constantly worrying about money - how am i going to pay rent, bills, all the little unexpected little things that pop up? My food is running out ... How am I meant to go shopping for more without any of that damn money stuff??
Whatever. I'm sick of thinking about this. I think I'll go pretend I'm *fine* for a while.

no sleep ...

I'm currently re-reading Kendrie's caringbridge journal, right from the very beginning ... I've already read it all, but it still makes me giggle ... and cry. Check it out if you want to know Kendrie's story - Kendrie's mum, (Kristie) who wrote all the entries in the CB journal during Kendrie's battle with lukemia, has another journal, equally as funny/touching - Check it out if you want to see what they're up to these days!
I'm utterly exhausted, but as I slept for one measly hour this afternoon, I'm now awake for the entire night, I fear. I am tired, and I have tried to sleep, but it just aint happenin for me tonight ...
Had a few problems with the sale of Toonz, the buyer isn't paying me directly, it's going through some banking place, who want a "tracking number" before they'll send the money ... What the?? I'm guessing the tracking number is the number on the registered post envelope that I'll buy to send it ... How is giving them that number now, before I've sent the iPod going to change anything?? I really don't understand this at all! There is *NO WAY* I'm sending Toonz before the money clears, what am I, a total moron?! I guess I'll have to buy the envelope tomorrow, then hope like hell they just want the number, and not proof that I've sent it, before they transfer the money, otherwise I'll be re-listing it on e-bay. It's going to Nigeria, and the buyer emailed me today, *TELLING* me, yes, not asking, but *TELLING* me to "package it nice, wrap it and make it pretty". Uh-huh ... A please might be nice. A "please" in there and I would do it in a second. But ... I'm tempted to just put it in the little box it came in, and send it off. Seriously, now I have to buy wrapping paper and wrap it before sending it?! And he didn't ask nicely!
Applied for (another) job earlier. It's only one day a week, so I don't know what I'm meant to do if I get it, I can't imagine one day's wages will be enough to pay rent and bills every week, but it would be a start. Chances are, I'll miss out on it ... Gee, my self-esteem/self-confidence are just sky high right now ... Can you tell?!
Matty, the gorgeous little fighter is still *fighting* with everything he has, and had a pretty good day yesterday. Go Matty! Please check on him and leave a message for his family if you have a spare minute -
My mum's coming to visit on Sunday for the night. I kind of want to see her, but I also kind of don't ... I just don't feel like talking to *anyone* at the moment, which explains why I haven't answered my phone in 3 days (yeah, seriously ... It's sad, I know). And I know she's going to ask questions that I don't have answers to ... I'm not looking foward to that. I don't know what I want to do. I don't know why the hell I had a breakdown. I haven't yet been back to counselling, and I don't know why I'm hesitating. I don't know when I want to go back to uni. I don't know how I'm going to support myself when the e-bay money runs out ... Err ... Maybe it's time I started seriously thinking about this stuff. It's not fun, but I can't keep living like this - avoiding people, keeping to myself, sleeping most of the day, eating when I occasionally remember, barely leaving the house ... Yeah, it's probably a good idea if I start to figure all this stuff out tomorrow.
Anyway. I might go try the sleep thing. By the way, I know I've mentioned Matty a fair bit recently, but don't forget that there are *TOO MANY** kids who are fighting to be normal kids, free of chemo, hospital visits, and needles - Hunter, Anna Jane, Alexis, Blair, Rachel, Lillie, Lily, Kayla, Brady, Aubrielle, Hannah, Davis, Jake, Catie, Haley ... I could go on for ages. There are links to their sites on the right hand side of this page -> so go say hi if you have a spare minute!

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Visit Matty if you can, please! Please!

To start with, a reminder to please, please, please, if you have 5 minutes, check on Matty and his awesome family! This kid is just ... amazing. There are dozens of ways to say it - inspirational, courageous, graceful, angelic, full of fight - and "amazing" seems simple, but I think it's just the simple honest truth. Matty and his family are simply amazing.
Not much going on here. Monday (? I think ...!) Christine and I went looking for a fish tank for her, and I ended up coming home with a new budgie, named Micka. Micka is the chemical element for black or something (?? I don't know ... this is what Chrissie told me) or means black in science terms, and since Micka is all white (not a speck of colour anywhere on his body but white!) Christine (who brought him for me) thought that would be a good name. So now I have Henry, Georgie, Milly, and Micka. He seems to be settling in well, a little quiet, but no feathers have flown yet so it's all good.
I seem to go between total depression and bits of "ok-ness" - I don't know how else to describe it. Most of the time I'm really, really down, and I just don't care about anything, but occasionally I will laugh or smile at something. The weight of the world really does seem to be on my shoulders.
iPod has been sold ... I'll be saying good-bye to Toonz as soon as the money comes in ... god, that just sucks! He keeps me company at 3 a.m. when I can't sleep, or at 1 p.m. when I just start crying for no reason ... I worked my arse off to save up the money to buy him ... and now I gotta say goodbye. At least I got back most of the money I paid for him ($200 - i paid $299) and that will be a massive help with rent. I brought a new one on e-bay - a cheaper, smaller, less memory, one. Better than nothing, I guess.
Have to go put a cheque in the bank this afternoon - got $30 from, which arrived this morning, so that will also help. Then I'll come home and do the job search thing again.
Anyway, that's about it from here. "Later, dudes!"

Monday, March 19, 2007

Just unhappy ...

Argh, I don't know what the hell is wrong with me.
I feel so down again. I don't know. I think everything is just getting to me. I have no job. I'm getting rid of all the things that I worked my arse off to buy, getting back a fraction of the money I paid out, just to pay my rent. After I sell all this stuff, how am I meant to pay rent?
I feel so disconnected from everything. I've deferred from uni for an indefinite period of time. All I'm doing is sleeping and doing nothing around the house. I laugh occasionally, and if I'm with people then of course I act "fine" and "okay" but once I'm alone again then it's back to quiet, and depressed.
I need to do something, I can't keep going like this. I guess the truth of the matter is that I'm unhappy. Plan and simple. Unhappy. Depressed. Just ... Not me.
I don't know.
Where am I going? What the hell am I doing? What do I want?

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Matty ...

This won't be long as it's midnight and I think it's just about time for bed :o)
Firstly, if you can spare 5 minutes, please check on Matty ... Matty is currently fighting the toughest battle anyone ever has to fight, and it's getting harder and harder every day. His doctors have said there is nothing more that can be done, so it's just a matter of trying to make this gorgeous little kid as comfortable as possible, which is proving difficult. Matty and his family are an amazing lesson in courage, grace, dignity, inspiration and love. His parents are incredible, as are his brothers, Chris and Zach. Please drop by and leave a message in their guestbook if you are able. I'm sure they'd appreciate the support.
Not much news from here. This afternoon Chrissie came around after work, starving (*lol*!) so we went to maccas. I had a sundae, and she ate an actual meal, but didnt finish it. We actually ate in, but ended up leaving in a hurry because it was *FREEZING* in maccas! We both had goosebumps when we left.
Then we went to Chrissie's for a while, and I put Microsoft works on her brand-new laptop (which she has named ... Herbert. Yep ...!) and we just watched some tv for a while. Then we did some shopping, and Chrissie dropped me at home where I've spent the night watching footy and Las Vegas. So yeah, oh-so-exciting stuff here ...
Anyway. Once again, please drop by Matty's site ( if you can. He is the most amazing child you'll ever meet. Sadly, too many kids are fighting crappy diseases every single day. There are some CaringBridge links on the right hand side of this page, and these links show just a *VERY* few of the kids out there currently fighting! Some of the links are to kids who are now *angels*, but their stories are all amazing and full of grace and courage. Anyway, have a great night guys.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Eh ... ?

Realistically, I know that I've lost my job. But it kind of feels as if I'm simply on holidays ...
Anyway, there's not much happening here. My sister rang on Thursday to tell me that I'm going to be an aunty again (for the 3rd time). Gotta say, it wasn't really a suprise, and I don't think this baby was an "accident". I don't think mum is too happy about it, but what can you do?
Thursday was a busy day, I had my house inspection in the morning, which went well, and then I went to centrelink, to be told (after I'd stood in line for 25 freakin minutes) that I have to apply over the phone. So I came home and rang up, only to be told that I have to wait 6 weeks to apply. 6 weeks. What am I meant to live on in the mean time??
Also had the appointment with the psychiatrist (is that spelt right?) on Thursday. It went pretty well. I feel like ... this whole thing has made me realise that trying to please everyone else, and putting everyone else first, isn't any way to live. So I'll be saying what I think from now on, and doing what I want, and saying "NO" to people if they want me to do something that's a bit too much. I think the whole problem has been that I just took on too much, and instead of trying to stop and ask for help, instead of thinking about it, and dealing with it properly, I just kept going. And look where it landed me! No job + mental breakdown = not the best position to be in.
Yesterday was a down day, very quiet all morning, and then I slept all afternoon. Got up, had some dinner, watched the NRL (thank god it's back!) then fell asleep on the couch again, and slept there all night. I think I need some kind of routine, because I am tired all the time. And I know that's from not doing much, as well as the depression, and I can't keep sleeping all the time. This morning it was 11 a.m. before I got out of bed, and I went to sleep about 11 p.m. last night! 12 hours! So I think today I might try to work out a routine and see how I go.
Anyway. I've yet to have a shower or get organised for today (not that I have any plans ...) so I should probably go do something about that.
** "Later, dudes" **

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Change of plans :o)

I'm too lazy to do whole songs now ... Hey, give me a break, it's late! So now I'm just going to post a little bit from each song I'm listening to on Toonz (my iPod) (yes, I named it ... and yes, I know that's sad :-P)

If God is a DJ
Life is a dance floor
Love is the rhythm
You are the music
If God is a DJ
Life is a dance floor
You get what you're given
It's all how you use it

You take what you get and you get what you give
I say don't run from yourself, man, that's no way to live
I've got a record in my bag you should give it a spin
Lift your hands in the air so that life can begin


When I pretend, everything is what I want it be,
I looked exactly like what you always wanted to see
When I pretend, I can’t forget about the criminal I am
Stealing second after second just cause I know I can, but
I can’t pretend that this is they way it will stay,
I’m just(Lying to defend the truth)
I can’t pretend of who you want me to be so
(I’m lying my way from)


i can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
I'm just out to find
The better part of me
I'm more than a bird...i'm more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
It's not easy to be me
Wish that i could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home i'll never see


I have fallen, I have stood up,
I've had the patience of a tree
You have trembled, you have stayed still, you have tumbled like a weed
All the mountains, all the deserts, go for miles and miles around
We have driven for years now, baby, just to get back to a place we had already found


In the corners of my mind
I just can't seem to find a reason to believe
That i can break free
Cause you see i have been down for so long
Feel like all hope is gone
But as i lift my hands, i understand
That i should praise you through my circumstance


So what am I not supposed to have an opinion
Should I be quiet just because I'm a woman
Call me a bitch cos I speak what's on my mind
Guess it's easier for you to swallow if I sat and smiled
When a female fires back
Suddenly the target don't know how to act
So he does what any little boy will do
Making up a few false rumors or two


You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em,
Know when to walk away and know when to run.
You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table.
There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealin's done


See, first of all
I know these so-called playas
Wouldn't tell you this
But I'mma be real and
Say what's on my heart
Let's take this chance and
Make this love feel relevant
Didn't you knowI loved you from the start
When I think about
All these years
We've put in this relationship
Who knew
We'd make it this far?
Then I think about
Where would I be if
We were to just fall apart
And I can't stand
The thought of losing you


ok. It's now 2:29, so I think it might be a good idea to head to bed. I gotta be up at 8!

American Woman

Lenny Kravitz

American Woman

American woman, stay away from me
American woman, mama let me be
Don't come hanging around my door
I don't want to see your face no more
I got more important things to do
Than spend my time growin' old with you
Now woman, stay away
American woman, listen what i say
American woman, get away from me
American woman, mama let me be
Don't come knocking around my door
I don't want to see your shadow no more
Colored lights can hypnotize
Sparkle someone else's eyes
Now woman, get away
American woman, listen what i say
American woman, i said get way
American woman, listen what i say
Don't come hanging around my door
Don't want to see your face no more
I don't need your war machines
I don't need your ghetto scenes
Colored lights can hypnotize
Sparkle someone else's eyes
Now woman, get away
American woman, listen what i say
American woman, stay away from me
American woman, mama let me beI gotta go
I gotta getta away
Think i gotta goI wanna fly away
I'm gonna leave you woman
I'm gonna leave you woman
I'm gonna leave you woman
I'm gonna leave you woman
Bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye
American woman
You're no good for me
I'm no good for you
Looking at you right in the eye
Tell you what i'm gonna do
I'm gonna leave you woman
You know i gotta go
I'm gonna leave you woman
I gotta go
I gotta goI gotta go
American womanYeah



I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph; I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away
You've gone away, you don't feel me, anymore
The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There’s so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
You've gone away
You don't feel me here anymore

Don't stop dancing


Title: Don't Stop Dancing
At times life is wicked and
I just can’t see the light
A silver lining
Sometimes isn’t enough
To make some
Wrongs seem right
Whatever life brings
I’ve been through everything
And nowI’m on my knees again
But I know I must go on
Although I hurt
I must be strong
Because insideI know that many
Feel this way
Children don’t stop dancing
Believe you can fly
Away, away
At times life’s unfair and
You know it’s plain to see
Hey God I knowI’m just a dot in this world
Have you forgot about me?
Whatever life brings
I’ve been through everything
And nowI’m on my knees again
But I knowI must go on
Although I hurtI must be strong
Because inside
I know that many
Feel this way
Am I hiding
In the shadows?
Forget the pain and
Forget the sorrows
But I knowI must go on
Although I hurtI must be strong
Because inside
I know that many
Feel this way
Children don’t stop dancing
Believe you can fly
Away, away
Am I hiding
In the shadows?
Are we hiding
In the shadows?

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

*Cheap* Therapy!

So, I'm now home, at my place, all alone. And I'm actually ... ok. Yeah.
Been a rough few days. Yesterday I just packed up and decided to go home to mum and dad's. I think it was the best thing to do.
This morning, mum, my brothers girlfriend, my nephew and I packed up to bring me home :o) We did a bit of shopping, then Jordyn started to get verrry cranky so I brought him back here (to my house) to have a nap while mum and Lorri did some shopping. Jordyn ended up going to sleep pretty much straight away, so I tidied up the house a little bit.
Mum, Lorri and Jordyn took off about 2, but not before mum had made me promise that I was to get on the next train home if things were getting too much, or I was getting too down. Damn, I love my mum! She also said to let her know if I need money, which I hopefully won't. I have a tiny bit saved up, and I'm selling a HEAP of dvds on e-bay, so hopefully that'll get me through the next few weeks, until I can either get another job, or apply for Newstart Allowence. I hate the thought of relying on Centrelink for money, but with Newstart the aim is to find a job. I'm thinking about looking for something part time - 25 or so hours a week. I don't know whether I'm ready to handle full time. Of course, who knows if I'll even be able to get another job ... Safeway certainly won't give me a reference. Oh well.
So, my plan for tomorrow ... The real estate agent is coming here to inspect the house at 10 tomorrow morning. I think after that I'll do the job hunting thing for a while, then about lunch time I'll head into centrelink to apply for Newstart.
I still feel slightly lost. It's hard to believe everything that has happened since last Friday. But knowing that my mum is now aware of how I'm *really* doing, and that she's supporting me (even though I never doubted that she would) makes me feel ... relieved? I'm not sure of the word I'm looking for here ... Something, anyway ...! Sooo specific. Mum has always said that she'd support us kids *NO MATTER WHAT*, but I guess I was just scared of worrying her, disappointing her. But I guess I forgot how strong and awesome she is ... The last couple of days have made me realise that. (And damn, I still can't think of the word that I want ...!)
I haven't heard from the counselling people, so I'm not sure what's going on there. I don't even have a number to ring them though, so there's not much that I can do. To be honest, the idea of talking to someone I barely know about what I'm thinking and feeling really doesn't interest me. I can barely tell the people who are *closest* to me how I'm feeling! I'm much more of a writer ... I'm not bothered by writing all this and posting it on here. When writing, I feel like I can express myself a lot easier than talking, I'm a lot more honest, and a lot less shy.
Anyway, it's barely even 8:30, but I think I'm going to get ready for bed! I slept in the spare room with my 2 year old nephew last night, and he went to bed at 9, (I went at 2 a.m.) so of course, he was ready for the day to start at 6:30 this morning! i woke up to Jordyn singing "eee-iiiiiii-eeee-iiiii-ooooo .... eeee-iiiii-eeeee-iii-ooooo" over and over! *lol* And as soon as he noticed that I was *awake* (well, my eyes were sort of open...!) he wanted to chat. And dance around the room. And climb all over me. And chat some more. And hide under his blanket so I could pull it off him and say *boo!* Ahh ... Damn, I love that kid. So, so much. There's nothing like a gorgeous kid to put a smile on your face!
Anyway, I'm off. **BYE!**

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Just a quick update.

Just a quick update.
I've spent most of the last few days fairly "out of it". This morning I got up and just decided to come home to my mum and dad's. Within 20 minutes of deciding that, I was on my way to the train station to catch the next bus home.
Needless to say, it's been a tough afternoon. Lots of tears. Finally told mum and dad what was going on. Lots and lots of tears. I know there will still be many more questions ... And a lot more tears.
But I feel kind of relieved.
I still want to cry though ...

Sunday, March 11, 2007

I don't know.

Once again, the words just aren't there ...
And yet, I want to get this all out. Need to. Because I feel as if I'm going crazy, and I don't know what the hell is wrong with me.
I just can't find the words, the words I need to tell someone, to really show how I feel.
I'm not *fine*
I'm not *ok*
I'm not handling ANYTHING at the moment and I don't know what the hell to do, where to go from here. I just ... Do not know.
I want to get away from here, but I know that where ever I go, I'll still be as fucked up as I am right now. Getting away doesn't mean leaving problems behind. I know that. But I want to just leave, so badly.
I've had a stupid headache for three days. I can't get rid of it.
I ate today for the first time since Friday.
I've barely slept since Thursday.

I just want this all to be over.

Saturday, March 10, 2007


I don't even know where to start.
I just feel ... so lost.
I feel like all I'm doing is thinking, thinking, thinking, but I can't remember what I've spent today thinking about. Does that even make sense? I keep losing time.
God, I don't know.
I ended up getting about 3 hours sleep, which is better than nothing. Then I sort of dozed on-and-off while i was on the couch for a while.
The thought of leaving the house gives me a panic attack. I went to get the Saturday Addy before, and it took me almost 3 hours to leave the house. I just couldn't calm down, the thought of walking out the front door was freaking me out totally, and I don't know why. A 10 minute walk, and I was so freaked out.
My head is aching. I'm trying to put full sentences together, and I'm struggling. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me.
I feel like everything has fallen in a heap, including me. I don't see a way up. I don't even know if I want to get up.

Wow, what a fuck-up ...

So tonight, I can't sleep.
Everything has fallen apart. Well and truly, completely, totally fallen to the shit-house.
Bit by bit, I've been losing control over the last couple of months. I don't even know how to describe it. It's just ... slowly, I've felt myself losing my grip on the *perfect* life, and the *perfect* personality everyone expects me to have. I ... don't know what the hell is wrong with me.
And tonight, I lost my job. As a direct result of all this shit. Because of things I've done (without realising) and not being able to talk to someone, about everything I'm thinking, and feeling. For the last couple of months, I've been "losing" days, or parts of days ... Not being able to remember what the hell I've done, or where I've been. And that's also been happening at work.
So now, I have no job. And a feeling of utter terror inside me that I'm going to have to tell my parents what's going on. How can I do that? They have enough to deal with, how am I meant to tell them what's going on with me? I can't even comprehend telling them, making them worry. That's not me. I don't make them worry. I'm the *good* child, the one who doesn't cause any problems, who just quietly goes about making things all good, looking after herself.
God, what a total fuck up.
I'm so very, very tired. But I can't sleep. I lie there, with my eyes closed, willing sleep to happen, but it won't work for me. I don't know. My head is pounding, so badly, and I just want to go to sleep and wake up to find out this has all been just a bad dream, but I know that won't happen.
I don't know where I'm meant to go from here. How do I put all the pieces back together??? How the hell am I meant to do that??? I don't even know where to start. Uni, family, my sleeping & eating habits, employment ... Everything is a mess. I feel like it's not going to go back together. The puzzle is stuffed, someone's stolen all the pieces, and it won't fit back together. I feel like just leaving. Disappearing. Because then no one would have to worry. I know it doesn't work like that, but I want so badly to just go.
I don't know. I just don't know. I need sleep, god do I need sleep, but I can't sleep. My head hurts to much, and the thoughts just won't stop going around and around.

I. Don't. KNOW.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

fave queer as folk quotes ....

Some quotes from my fave show, queer as folk.

(season one)
Justin: I'm not a child. I'm turning 18 soon. That means I can vote, and get married, and join the army.
Emmett: Hopefully not on the same day.

Brian: I don't believe in love. I believe in fucking. It's honest, it's efficient. You get in and out with the maximum of pleasure, and minimum of bullshit. Love is something that straight people tell themselves they're in, so they can get laid. And they end up hurting each other, because it was all based on lies to begin with. If that's what you want, then go find yourself a pretty little girl... and get married.

Emmett: I was talking to Dungeon Master Don, who wants to mumify me. Have you noticed that the world's getting weirder?

Brian: Are you going to come eat the chicken?

Michael: We bought you a whole fucking chicken!

Brian: I know it's scarier choosing your own path than doing what's expected of you.

Brian: If you don't earn respect when you're alive, you don't deserve it when you're dead.

Emmett: Hollow eyes, 22-inch waist, inability to hold a conversation? He's either a total crystal queen, or a supermodel.

(season two)
Emmett: I may be a slut, but at least I'm an honest slut.

Brian: I'd run away screaming, but it's been a long day

Michael: I should warn you, my friends can be a little...
Ben: Judgemental? Vicious? Condescending?
Michael: So you've met them

Cop: Are you aware you were speeding?
Michael: Oh that must be why it felt like we were going so fast.

Ted: You have anything on you?
Brian: Yeah, 16 pounds of cocaine and 24 ounces of heroin.
Ted: This is no time to be funny!
Brian: Who's being funny?

Cop: You were doing 60 in a 35-mile zone.
Michael: Wow, what do you know? Math. Give the officer a jelly donut.

(season three)
Michael: Christ, Brian! How'd you get in here?
Brian: My widdle key.

Justin: I'm not anti-social, I just can't stand people.

Emmett: Even if worst comes to worst and you have to go to jail, it won't be so bad. You'll have time to read and work out. It'll be like a spa vacation.

Michael: No, you stop! Stop using this shit. Stop hurting yourself - and stop hurting us.

Michael: It's okay. I'm sure there's a lot of things I'll never understand. But it's not for a lack of trying.

Justin: And you're so smart? If you had any fucking brains at all you never would have let me leave. You would have told me I was making the biggest mistake of my life, that I would regret it as long as I live. You would have told me that what you gave me was a thousand...a million times better than anything he had to offer. You would have told me you loved me.

Ben: Yes, you are seeing it. The most historic reunification since Germany.
Emmett: What happened to the fiddler?
Michael: He fell off the roof.

Michael: Well, if it isn't Little Mary Sunshine
Emmett: Little Mary Sunshine died. I'm Little Mary Go Fuck Yourself.

Michael: Well he already has a boyfriend!
Hunter: You do?
Brian: In a non-defined, non-conventional sort of way, yeah.

Hunter: If you guys stop to fuck, I'm screwed.

(season four)
Debbie: It's three days. Three fucking days and not one fucking word. Except for this strange cryptic message - Don't worry, Ma, I'm all right.
Justin: Doesn't sound strange or cryptic to me.
Debbie: Well, you're not a mother.
Ben: I just talked to him, Debbie, and he's all right.
Debbie: He is not all right. A mother can always read between the lines. It's the first time since Michael's learned how to pick up a phone that we haven't talked three times a day.
Justin: Three?
Brian: I know, it explains so much.
Debbie: Ben, honey, the next time you talk to him, would you please tell him I love him up to the sky and back?
Ben: Sure, Debbie.
Debbie: And if he's not back here pronto, I'm going to rip his balls off.

Brian: This is like that time in 7th grade when I lent you my brand new 10-speed and when you brought it back my front fender was crushed, my seat was torn...
Michael: I was hit by a bus!

Emmett: If we back up real slow, no one will even know we were here.

Melanie: It isn't right, it isn't fair, it just is.

Brian: Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't

Ben: We're fostering a minor, Michael. If they found out we had pot or any other illegal substances around the house, we could lose him.
Michael: I forgot I even had it. Brian gave it to me for emergencies.
Ben: He obviously went snooping and found it. Michael? What are you doing?
Michael: This is an emergency.
Ben: Michael, we can't tell him not to use drugs if we do it ourselves.
Michael: Of course we can. That's what parenting is all about

Justin:Shit! Are you all right? Tell me you're all right.
Brian: I'm all right.
Justin: No you're not.
Brian: Then what the hell are you asking me for?
Justin: So that I can tell you what a motherfucking piece of shit you are for not telling me. For shutting me out. For thinking that you can handle this on your own. And most of all for thinking that I would leave. Why would you think that? Because you had a ball removed? Because you're no longer perfect? Well believe me, Mr. Kinney, that is the least of your imperfections. And if I wanted to leave you, I've had better reasons, plenty of them.
Brian: Maybe you should have.
Justin: Yeah, maybe you're right, but I thought we had a commitment, and I plan to stand by it. Now, I want you to get your ass back in bed, you son of a bitch. And eat some fucking chicken soup.

Justin: So why the secrecy?
Brian: Because I don't want people like you saying, 'You can't, you mustn't.' I don't want every cunty faggot who goes to the gym saying, 'Poor Kinney, told you so.'
Justin: I have to hand it to you, your perserverance is surpassed only by your narcissism.
Brian: And there you have the secret to my success.

Carl: I need someone in my life who'll make me laugh, who'll make me feel good.
Michael: I'm already taken.
Carl: That's why I want to marry your mother. As soon as you say 'You may', I want her to say 'I do'.
Michael: That's … that's a big request. Normally I ask for personal references and W-2 forms for the last three years and an arrest report. But in your case, I only have one question. Do you promise … you'll be good to her?

Paramedic: Well...looks to me like you've broken your clavicle.
Brian: Ahhh! And it hurts like a motherfucker.
Michael: That'll teach ya to cruise guys no handed.
Paramedic: Good news is, it seems like it's a clean break, so it will mend well.
Brian: Did I mention that it hurts like a motherfucker?
Michael: Is he going to have to wear a cast?
Paramedic: 'Cause of where he injured himself, all we can do is wrap it.
Brian: I'm sure I mentioned it hurts like a motherfucker.
Paramedic: We will give you some vicodin.
Brian: Ahh, hear that? Just like Babylon

Michael: Excuse me, pardon me mister.
Brian: Are you talking to me?
Michael: You're in severe pain. you should be resting. What the hell are you doing?
Brian: I'm practicing riding one handed.
Michael: You're not seriously...
Brian: Yes I am seriously.
Ben: But you're seriously injured.
Brian: Can we stop saying the word seriously?

Random-ness ... *~*

If you can imagine it, you can create it. If you can dream it, you can become it.


At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second yearin a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned.One soldier mused, “Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn't seem to care howwell we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?”

Things you might not know

The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.

The youngest pope was 11 years old.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David,
Hearts - Charlemagne,
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural

"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?
A. Conception.

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you could find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand.

Q. What do bullet-proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight".

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply
his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period
was called the honey month or what we know today as the honeymoon.

A close 2nd:
In ancient England a person could not have sex unless you had consent of the King (unless you were in the Royal Family).
When anyone wanted to have a baby, they got consent of the King, the
King gave them a placard that they hung on their door while they were having sex. The placard had F.*.* K (Fornication Under Consent of the King) on it. Now you know where that word came from.

Last but not least:
In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only,
Ladies Forbidden... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

Only in America
AND -- if olive oil is made from olives and corn oil is made from corn -- baby oil must be made from _______ ?????????
Only in drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. > > Only in we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
Only in they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille >lettering.

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made >with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't >they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle) other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while

"Just how long can we do wrong before the stars begin to fade?" [Toohey]

Hannah -

Hannah Adelaide Uhrmacher

"The greatest thing, is just to love and be loved in return."

Miss Hannah Adelaide Uhrmacher, of Parkville, MO passed away peacefully at home with her family on Sep 3, 2006. Hannah burst into the world in Kansas City on November 3, 2000 and since that time she has lit up the world with her special and unique gifts. Loving daughter of Brent and Lisa-anne, darling sister to Chloe, 9, and Dane, 4, devoted granddaughter of Nancy, Jerry (dec), Anne, John, great-grandaughter of Jean and Harry (dec), Joyce and Don (dec), Marjorie and John Edward (dec), Bernice and Willie (dec). Hannah will be dearly missed by Aunty Tania, Uncle Mick, cousins Joshua, Jake and Taylor of Melbourne, Australia, and by Great Uncle Von and Great Aunt Marlyn of Gladstone, MO. Miss. Hannah was an exceptional student at Oakhill Day School, where she leaves many friends including both students and teachers. She loved to dance, do gymnastics and participated in theatre at church and in the community. Hannah provided incredible inspiration through her work for The Community Blood Center of Kansas City, and the BeHeadStrong and TugMcGraw Foundations. Her courage, grace and sense of humor during her 16 month battle with brain and spinal cord cancer was unimaginable. She was always concerned for the welfare of others, and was always grateful to everyone who helped with her care. She touched so many lives during her numerous stays at The Children's Mercy Hospital, and leaves friends with fond remembrances. Hannah touched thousands of people during her short life, and continues to inspire us to live each day fully. She was so in love with her daddy, best of friends with her mummy, and was the most compassionate sibling to Chloe and Dane. She was incredibly determined in every endeavor, whether learning to putt a golf ball, walk a balance beam, swim or relearning to walk after her surgery, she relished the challenge. Life was a big pink adventure, and her smile, her sense of humor and her love of life and people were unparalleled. She was truly an angel here on earth, and now is an angel with her Lord. Her pink heaven is filled with books, Boston Market, flowers and red lip gloss, and Radio Disney plays all the time. A huge Hannah hug to Drs. Emami, Hornig, Massey and Woody, and the other incredible medical professionals who worked so hard to heal Hannah, and to all the devoted and absolutely amazing staff at The Children's Mercy Hospital, The Kansas City Cancer Center and Kansas City Carousel Hospice, and to all the friends, family, neighbors and dear Sprint colleagues who provided such unselfish love and support over the last 16 months. A special Hannah hug to Jim Gordon and Craig Holstead from Pine Ridge Presbyterian Church, where Hannah's unwavering faith was nourished by the love of the entire church family. Visitation will be held at the Pine Ridge Presbyterian Church, from 5:308:30 pm on Tuesday September 5. A special Children's visitation will be held between 5:30 and 6:30 pm. A private burial service will be held on Wednesday morning September 6, followed by a Celebration of Hannah's extraordinary life at the Graeme Tyler Chapel at Park University at 2:00 pm. The family requests that friends consider donations to The Tug McGraw Foundation, The BeHeadstrong Foundation, The Children's Mercy Hospital Cancer Center or Pine Ridge Presbyterian Church. (Arr.'s: Heritage Funeral Home, 816-7410251)
Published in the Kansas City Star on 9/5/2006.

For *Mel* ... Miss you, Mel.

search no more your wandering star
you've found a place, a hand to hold, in gods loving care
and those of us you've left behind
we'll search our memories and then we'll find
a smile within our tears

unable to trust

unable to trust

you showed me unconditional love
but still i tested the waters
i could not trust
until i knew you would not hurt

you comforted me in times of trouble
but still i questioned the motives
i could not accept
until i knew they were nothing but pure

you were there when nothing made sense
but still i wouldnt let you near
i could not lose control
until i knew i could trust you to order my world

you confronted me when i erred
but still i felt threatened
i could not feel safe
until i knew the confrontation was love

you cared for me no matter what
but still i felt alone
i could not let you care
until i knew exactly what i feared

you smiled and encouraged me
but still i hid
i could not let it be
until i knew that it was real

The **full** story about my family situation

** copied from my other blog **
** originally posted on the 21/01/2007, on my msn space **

full update on the last 2 weeks ...
so ... as you may have guessed, my holidays didnt explain turn out to be all that relaxing or fun ...
um ... where to start. ok, my first day of holidays was tuesday the 9th. the next day i went to melbourne to stay with amanda. i planned on staying there from wednesday to sunday. on thursday darren and lorri finished up at QEC, which is where they had been staying for 2 weeks. Department of Human Services (DHS) were concerned about Jordyn, that he wasnt where he should be developmentally and they were also worried because he's fairly small for his age. so darren and lorri had to stay at the Queen Elizabeth Centre (QEC) in melbourne for 2 weeks, so DHS could see how the parented Jordyn. the QEC also runs programs and stuff during the day to help people become better parents.
darren and lorri and jordyn got to amanda's on thursday afternoon with the news that DHS had taken out a protection order for jordyn, based on what they'd observed in the 2 weeks the three of them were at the QEC. the protection order was against darren, saying that he was not allowed to be near jordyn at all, and that he could not go home to their house to live. it was only a temporary protection order, for 8 days. the following friday, DHS would take it back to court after they had decided whether to extend the order or allow darren to go home.
on thursday night while darren and lorri were at amanda's, i refused to speak to darren because of the way he treated lorri and jordyn, and the way he spoke to them. so i spent most of thursday night in the spare room at amandas, avoiding darren. lorri and jordyn only stayed at amandas for an hour or so, before leaving for home.
on friday morning, i decided to go home early. i left amandas at 9, and was home in bendigo at 1. i knew that if i stayed, darren and i would end up in a massive fight, because i was so angry at him, and the way he was being such an asshole.
friday night, christine and jason came to stay. they went out to get some dinner, while i hung around home. while they were gone, lorri rang. remembering what she said still makes me want to cry.
lorri told me that darren had hit jordyn, at least twice that she knew of.
lorri told me that darren had been abusive/agressive and violent toward her.
i got off the phone, and i was so angry and upset. i rang amanda and told her to tell darren that i never wanted to speak to him again, and that as far as i was concerned, i no longer had a brother, and he didnt exist. i was yelling and crying, and i can honestly say i hated darren right then. and if he'd been standing in front of me, i would have attacked him.
i hated him.
christine and jason got back here to find me crying, and i spent the night saying to christine ... "he's just a kid. jordyn's just a gorgeous kid. and darren fucking hit him. HE'S JUST A KID!"
saturday i'd calmed down a bit. i didnt want to ruin christine and jason's weekend, so i spent the day being a dickhead with chrissie. i got out of the house for a while so they'd have some time alone. saturday night we all watched tennis and a dvd.
sunday morning we all got up about 11 and made pancakes, and somehow christine and i ended up having a food fight ... not a massive one, but about 1 when i was still cleaning jam out of my hair and off my face my mum rang.
mum rang to tell me that on saturday night darren had overdosed and was in hospital.
mum was hysterical, so i spent the first 10 minutes of the phonecall trying to get her to calm down. she said she would be coming to bendigo, then going to melbourne to see him and lorri and jordyn. she asked if i wanted to go with her, and i said no.
i didnt think i could handle it, i was so upset and angry with darren still, and i was just ... confused. i dont know. i got off the phone and chrissie and jason were standing there just looking at me, trying to figure out what was going on. i was shaking and for some reason my voice just didnt want to work. the tears were also starting to fall.
jason left a few minutes later, and chrissie sat with me on the couch as i cried and cried. i didnt even know why i was really crying. i just cried and cried, big huge sobs, that just didnt want to stop. about half an hour later i got myself together, and rang to see if mum had left yet and dad said she had. he also asked me to go to melbourne with mum, so i said i'd think about it.
i ended up throwing some stuff into my backpack and jumping on the train with mum. when we got to melbourne, lorri and jordyn had driven in from phillip island to pick us up. it took about 2 hours to get back out to phillip island, and i spent the whole time entertaining jordyn while mum and lorri talked about everything.
when we finally got to lorri's house, mum and lorri took off for the hospital and i stayed at the house with jordyn. i gave him some tea and then put him to bed. then i spent the next 3 hours just wandering around the house ... cleaning, crying, thinking, trying to watch tennis, answering the phone ... it was all so surreal.
mum and lorri got home from the hospital about midnight. they said that darren was ok, but that they thought he was up to something, because everything mum said he agreed with. mum told darren he was going home to kerang to live with mum and dad again, and that he would be getting a job and going to counselling.
on monday darren was discharged from hospital. because he couldnt go back to house if jordyn was there, lorri drove him and mum to melbourne to stay at amandas. i stayed with jordyn again, we spent the afternoon just hanging out, with me trying to make sense of everything ... i didnt have much luck.
lorri got home late monday night and we decided i'd stay with her and jordyn until thursday. on tuesday mum and darren went home to kerang. it was friggin hot on tuesday, even on the island with the sea breeze. the power went out on tuesday night so we ended up going to the beach for a couple of hours. just getting out of the house, no phones, just jordyn and lorri and i, chilling out, was so awesome. i think it was what we all needed, just a couple of hours so we didnt have to think about any of it, we just focused on making sure jordyn was having fun splashing around in the water. we all had a great time.
we got home tuesday night and darren had rung lorri a few times, and she went onto msn messenger and he was on their hassling her about whether or not she was going to wait for him, whether she'd find someone else while he was away and all that kind of crap.
there was NO MENTION of his son, my gorgeous little nephew JORDYN.
(mum said that on sunday night, darren didnt ask about jordyn either or even mention him)
wednesday lorri and i decided to get out of the house again and we went for a walk down the main street and had a look in a few shops. i spoilt my gorgeous little man, buying him heaps! wednesday night lorri and i had another long talk, where i turned into counsellor rach again (for the 500th time that week!)
thursday morning darren rang while lorri was stll in bed, and turned into a fucking asshole when i told him i wasnt going to wake lorri up just so he could talk to her. he rang again half an hour later and he had another go at me so i ended up saying goodbye and just hanging up. then lorri and i took jordyn into the maternal health nurse, and we left straight for melbourne from there.

ok, i started this entry 50 minutes ago so i might take a break ... think it must be getting near the word limit anyway.

read previous entry first. this is my second entry tonight ... a continuation.
um ... where was i ...
thursday ... got into the station and the next train wasnt for an hour, and as it was still fairly warm i told lorri not to wait around for me to leave. i didnt want jordyn in the heat, and i knew lorri had a long trip home.
i think them leaving made me finally realising how much i'd been avoiding dealing with everything that had happened. because all week, all i was focused on was lorri and jordyn. so i got on the train with nothing to do but think.
and that was when the tears started.
i cried on and off all the way to bendigo (thank god for sunglasses to hide behind). it wasnt lots of crying, just a few tears here and there before i could get myself together again before i'd get upset and have another little cry, then i'd calm down ... needless to say, it was a long trip home. not helped by the fact that a pushy old lady moved my bag and sat right next to me, also taking up half my seat in the process. if there's one thing i really hate, it's sitting next to someone on the train or bus. i cant handle it, i just hate it.
when i got home, late thursday arvo, it really hit me. just me here, with nothing to do but think about every single thing that had happened. i had no one to worry about, no gorgeous little man to entertain, no upset sister in law to talk to ... just me. and my thoughts. and my DAMN TEARS. i ended up sitting on my bed, having a total breakdown, crying for 40 minutes, just letting everything out. i know i probably needed it, but it was confusing, because i didnt know why i was crying, who i was crying for, and i didnt understand why i couldnt stop crying.
finally calmed myself down and sat on the couch, just staring out the window for a while. so many thoughts just kept going back and forth ...
what if darren had died?
why did he do that? was he really trying to kill himself or did he just want sympathy?
what the hell had he been doing to jordyn?
why hadnt lorri said something about how darren had treated her?
why hadnt i noticed that something was wrong? why hadnt SOMEONE noticed that something was wrong?
is jordyn going to be ok? is lorri going to be ok?
whats going to happen now, how the hell are we going to deal with this?
what the hell .... ????????
friday afternoon i went back to work ... thought i should speak to lisa about what was going on in case i need to take more time off work ... got about 2 words out (no joke) before the tears started AGAIN. lisa was really good, i told her everything that was going on and she was actually really nice and supportive and said just to tell her if i need time off or anything.
friday night mum rang to say that DHS had gone back to court. the protection order was extended. for 12 MONTHS. which im so happy about. darren doesnt deserve lorri and jordyn, and hopefully 12 months will give him time to grow the fuck up and become a decent partner and father.

anyway, there's more to say, but i worked this morning (yesterday morning now, it's after 12) so i was up at 5 after only 4 hours sleep, so i might have to go crash. im friggin exhausted. tonight i will be sleeping in my own bed for the first time since tuesday 9th. yeah, seriously. when i got home from melb, christine and jason had my room, then i was at lorri's, and since i got home thursday night i've been sleeping in the lounge with the airconditioner coz inside the house has been fairly hot and yuckky, but tonight the house is nice and cool so i can sleep in my BED! woo hoo.

Monday, March 05, 2007

** Random **

Have you noticed something about Bart?
New glasses?
Seems like something is troubling him...
Probley misses his old glasses
I'd become more active in his life but i'd be afraid of smothering him...
Yeah...and then we'd get the chair...
Homer, that's not what I meant.
It was Marge, admit it.

Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
Fudge is sweet
... Heres some Fudge

I dont wanna fight
Lets put this hate aside
And get back to a place where you and I can still be friends
"We Don't Want To Alienate Brad..."
"Yeah, We Don't Want Brad As An Alien"

there's nowhere to run and hide
when you're living to die
stuck alone inside your head
better off dead

Mad About You

Jamie: How are you holding up?
Paul: (licking an envelope) Well, if I had 2 tongues I'd be the happiest person in the world.
Jamie: (lighting a cigarette) Second happiest.

Lisa: I was just in the neighborhood and thought I'd bring you some lunch.
Paul: Did Jamie say to do that?
Lisa: No.
Paul: She tell you to say no?
Lisa: Yes.

Jamie: Are you sure I can leave you home alone?
Paul: what am I, Macaulay Culkin?

Jamie: We'll find her...
Paul: We don't even know which way she went! Look at this, look at this, pistachio shells. Still moist!
Jamie: Come on, follow them.
Paul: It's like Hansel and Gretel, but with nuts!

Paul: How could you let this happen?
Jamie: Excuse me?
Paul: This is all your fault!
Jamie: On what planet?
Paul: You.. you gave entirely too much weight to my argument. Do you realize, we have a parking space, we don't have a CAR!
Jamie: Don't tell ME! *I* told YOU!
Paul: You.. your job is to stop me from doing something idiotic. Idiotic, I can do that by myself!

Do me a favour, talk to me like I'm four. -Paul

Theme song: Short Version
Tell me why, I love you like I do.
Tell me who, could stop my heart as much as you
Let's take each other's hand
As we jump into the Final Frontier.
Mad about you baby.
(Whoo hoo hoo)
Yeah. I'm mad about you.
(Whoo hoo hoo)
Whoo hoo hoo.
Long Version
Tell me why,
I love you like I do,
Tell me who,
Can stop my heart as much as you,
Tell me all your secrets and I'll tell you most of mine,
They say nobody's perfect but it is really true this time,
I don't have the answers,
And I don't have a plan,
All I have is you,
So darling help me understand,
What we do,
You can whisper in my ear,
Where we go,
who knows what happens after here,
Let's take each other's hands,
As we jump into the final frontier,
I'm mad about you,
I'm mad about you, so mad about you...

Sunday, March 04, 2007

Me. So. Tired.

Me. So. Tired.
Got to bed about 1 last night ... and after about 4 hours of interrupted sleep, got up at 5 for work ... Ugh. 5, as in 5 A.M. Finished work at 12:30, went to Big W and got a new DVD player since mine DIED last night and I'm not living without one, then had 5 minutes at home to shove in a sausage roll before I headed off to the cinema with Chrissie to watch the new Hugh Grant/Drew Barrymore movie ... Music and Lyrics? Or something to do with songs? Anyway. Got there about 2 minutes before it started, so it was perfect timing :o)
The movie was ok, pretty funny, but verrrry predictable *lol* I did enjoy it though. But oh-my-god, Hugh Grant is looking old! He plays an "old" pop star in the movie, so I'm not sure if they gave him more wrinkles or what, but I guess he is in his (late?) 40's so you'd expect him to have a few ... Just not that many! :-P
Got home from the movies a bit after 3, and was going to have my usual Sunday arvo sleep, but didn't get around to it. Ended up folding up & putting all my washing away, cleaning out the birdies cage, making my bed, and tidying up the lounge. Also plugged the new DVD player in. So I've been a bit busy. Think I might go have a chill on the couch for a while and do some reading. I think I'll be in bed waaaay early tonight though :o)
Anyway. I was going to add some more stuff to this page today, but, quite frankly, I can't be stuffed. (*Oh yeah, I'm as Aussie as they come!*) So I might take off and chuck a prawn on the barbie and have a VB. See ya later, Mate ;o) !

Saturday, March 03, 2007

*My Wish*

I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
and each road leads you where you want to go,
and if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
if it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,
But more than anything, more than anything,

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but you never forget,
all the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
and you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
and always give more than you take.

But More than anything, Yeah, more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish. Yeah.
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,

Yeah, this, is my wish.

Friday, March 02, 2007

Quotable Quotes

So, today I purchased a book. Well ... 4 actually. I got the one about the army guy who found a puppy over in Iraq while fighting for America, and managed to get the puppy back to America ... One on a research/study thing about the sex lives of the average (Australian) teenager ... One about finding the calm and quiet in this busy world ... and the last one, a book called Quotable Quotes. It's actually fairly thick, and filled with ... yep, you guessed it - quotes. So I thought I'd chuck a few on here ...

* Sometimes I lie awake at night and I ask "Where have I gone wrong?", then a voice says to me "This is going to take more than one night" * (Charlie Brown)

* Life is just one damned thing after another * (Elbert Hubbard)

* Long experience has told me to be criticized is not always to be wrong * (Anthony Eden)

* I feel that one lies to oneself more than to anyone else * (Lord Byron)

* Bambi! See the Movie! Eat the Cast! * (Anon)

* Question everything. Learn something. Answer nothing * (Anon)

* If you can't convince them, confuse them * (Harry S Truman)

Ok, that will do for now. I've only been reading a page here and there, so there's probably stacks more great ones that I'll find in the next few days. I'll post some more tomorrow. Right now, I'm going to head to bed since it's 11:30 and I'm stuffed!


Thursday, March 01, 2007

What the hell happened to my water ... ?!

So, it's not unusual for me to act a little immature ... Which is why, before I left my parents house yesterday, I might-have-sort-of-maybe hid the remote to my brothers television ... The remote that you NEED to watch the television! It's the kind of television that you can't work without the remote! So I hid it ... very sneakily, under the bed ... But right in the middle of the floor, so it's not just at the side or something that will be found quickly by just pulling the bed out ... :o) Oh yeah, I'm a grown up!
Anyway. I worked this morning. Was in a fairly down mood, and a bit grumpy as well, so I was glad to be hiding in the office, where I didn't have to talk to anyone if I didn't want to! So I was very quiet, not even really talking to Narelle, who was in the office with me.
Got home from work and rang Di, talked to her for a bit over an hour, then ended up sleeping all afternoon. Chrissie rang shortly after I woke up at 6, and we ended up talking for a bit over 2 hours ... I think it was almost 8:30 when we got off the phone.
Since then I've done a bit of cleaning, trying to tidy up a little bit since the house is slightly messy ... I've been home a day, and since I've just dumped everything since I walked in the door yesterday, and not done any dishes or washing, instead of cleaning up, things are messsssy! :o)
So I've made my bed, done a load of washing, and most of my dishes, and I went to change the water in the sink to do the rest of the dishes, only to discover that for some reason, I have no water! The guy next door to me, for god only knows what reason, sometimes turns his water off at the main, without realising that when he does that, my water also disappears! Duh! A few months ago, we had a little tug-a-war-thing, with him turning the water off, and me sneaking into his yard and turning it back on so I could do all those *luxury* things, like showering, and oh yeah, flushing my toilet! Mind you, this went on for almost 4 days before he left the water main the hell alone!
So anyway. I was going to have a bath tonight, but I guess thats off the cards now. I think I'll head to bed soon, because even though I slept for almost 5 hours this afternoon, and I've only been awake for 5 hours, I'm kinda tired. Tomorrow I'm working in the afternoon, and I think I'll spend the morning finishing off my cleaning. Might also do a bit of reading, and maybe some downloading of music. Haven't downloaded anything for a while, and I need some new songs on my iPod.
Anyway. That's about it for now. Have a lovely night, party people!