Sunday, September 23, 2007

So. Freaking. Tired.
Friday I worked 9 -7:30. 10 and a half hours, most of the time on my own since Sylvia called in sick. Finished work and headed to Ang and Vinces to babysit Ryan. Got there to find Ryan rolling around on the floor, crying to himself! *lol* He was soooo tired, but he was sulking because Ang and Vince weren't home. Managed to calm Ryan down, and we sat watching to footy for a while before I made the *big* mistake of trying to put Ryan into his cot ... Dude, did he scream! And cry and scream ... So I got him calmed down again while we watched some more footy. Finally managed to Ryan asleep and into his cot ... Only for him to wake up an hour later ...! :o) Ahh, kids are great, aren't they?! :-P
The football on Friday night ... I don't want to speak about it. The less said the better. It still hurts! One goal and we'd be in the grand final ...
One goal.
Worked 9 - 5:30 yesterday, I actually finished early for once :o) You cannot imagine how happy I was! I got home, changed, had a little sit down on the couch for a while, and then "Dan" (named changed to protect the innocent) got here.
Guys (you know who you are), you would be disgusted with me. I went to our place of worship and didn't even finish my parma! I know, what a disgrace!! *lol* That's how tired I was!
So much to blog about, so many things that have happened this week that have made me think, but unfortunately I'm pretty brain dead right now, so if this is random or doesn't make sense, I'm sorry.
You know the 'Ghosts of Christmas Past'? I feel like this week has been the 'Ghost of my Safeway past'.
I left Safeway in March. Everything went to hell, and finally fell apart on me. I guess I knew it was going to happen, but that didn't make it any easier.
What also made it hard was not hearing from people who I thought were my 'friends' after it all. I've stayed in contact with one person from Safeway.
In the last week, I've seen one manager who I used to work with, and 6 people that I worked with in the deli and the office - including last night when I went to get money out of the A.T.M. after work and ran into someone I worked with in the office. She wouldn't even look at, let alone speak to me.
At first it was hard, seeing all those people. When I saw the manager last weekend, I was at work, and I started shaking and went pale. I know I went pale, because Ashlea actually mentioned it "Rach, what's wrong?! You're so white!"
But now ... I don't know. So what. It happened. It's over. It was inevitable that I was going to run into people from there. Maybe seeing all those people is the universe telling me that I'm stronger now, that I can deal with it. Who cares if they weren't there when I fell apart? Clearly, I didn't need them, or their 'friendship', because I managed to pick myself up, dust myself off and keep going :-)
All this thinking about the last 6 months, and the last year, has made me realise something.
I have changed.
And then last night, I realised something else.
I haven't changed as much as I thought I had.
I haven't changed as much as I would like to.
See, I thought I was doing much better. Not being such a doormat. Speaking up when there's
something wrong. Standing up for myself more.
But then, last night, I couldn't even say what I was thinking, what I wanted to do, what I wanted "Dan" to do ... etc. I should have been able to speak up, there were a lot of times when I could have spoken up, and yet I still didn't. I'd like to think it was simply because I was pretty exhausted - I could barely keep my eyes open, and forming thoughts was a little difficult - but I think that the truth was that I was just shy, afraid, uncertain, scared.
And that's just stupid. Why the hell shouldn't I say what I'm thinking? Be honest and open?
I'm tired. I'm pretty sure there's more thoughts in my head somewhere, I just can't seem to find them at the moment :o) *lol* I don't think I've had many coherent, complete thoughts today. I couldn't even tell you what I did at work all day - I must have done something, but damned if I know what. 4 hours sleep on Friday night + working all day yesterday + about 5 hours sleep last night + working today = a very tired little me :-)
I have tomorrow and Tuesday off work. I might blog again sometime soon. I know there's more stuff I've been thinking about that I want to write about, but ... Can't remember it right now. Yup, I'm a smart cookie :-P
Anyway guys, I'm out. Peace, love and laughter :-)

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