Friday, April 27, 2007
Packed house (was at Rod Laver Arena), lesbians everywhere, mohawks everywhere, but OH MY GOD, it was the best night EVER!
She sang most of her hits, don't let me get me, just like a pill, stupid girls, god is a dj, get the party started, dear mr president, family portrait, fingers ... it goes on and on. And the ending? UNBELIEVABLE! She was FLYING! *lmao*
OK, I only have 2 minutes of internet time left, more when i get my computer back!
P!NK ROCKS! :o)
(oh my god, do i sound like a teeny-bopper or what??!!!)
Monday, April 23, 2007
The title is in reference to the people at the freakin Toshiba Service Centre, who have told me it will be about 5 weeks before I get my computer back.
Anyway. Just a quick update to tell you it will be about 5 weeks before I can update again. I'm at the library today, checking my email, and I have about 5 minutes of time left. I would come here every day, but you have to pay to use the internet, and as I'm totally broke, I can't afford it.
The only big news from here is that I might have a job! Had an interview this morning, and have been offered a trial shift at a cafe! Hopefully it turns into something.
Ok, better take off! Bye!
Monday, April 16, 2007
Home at mum and dads for a couple of days. Came home Sunday, going back tomorrow afternoon with Amanda and Amber.
Things are ok. Amber has learnt to say my name ... So she spent most of today walking around saying ... "Rachel. Rachel. Rachel ...." Was kinda funny for the first 15 minutes or so ... Then I'm like ... "Yep, ok ... Shhh!!"
Amber's getting louder and louder at the moment ... it's 7:45 p.m. and nearly her bed time, I think! For the last 30 minutes or so, everything has made her throw a little hissy fit!
Get my first Newstart payment tomorrow - thank god. Most of it will go to mum though, to start repaying some of what she's given me over the last 4 weeks. The rest will go toward bills. Oh, how exciting am I ...! :-P
Anyway, might take off ... Actually feeling like shit at the moment, my hayfever has been really really bad for the last couple of days, haven't been able to breathe, and I look like I'm on crack constantly with my lovely red eyes ... God. *lol* Oh well. Don't know when I'll be able to update again. My laptop is not working at the moment, the cord (I think) is stuffed for some reason. It was fine, then all of a sudden on Sunday it stopped working on me! Course, I assumed that the laptop was on a.c. power, and it was on battery, so now the battery is dead and I have no cord to plug it into the wall! So I'll have to take it back to Harvey Norman on Wednesday after Amanda and Amber go home. My laptop is 18 months old, but guess who was smart enough to get the extended warranty??!! *lol* Yeah! That extra $119 was worth it! I don't know whether it's the cord thats stuffed, or whether it's the hole where the cord goes that is stuffed. If it's the actual hole where the cord goes on the computer, then they'll probably have to send it away, and god knows how long I could be without my poor lil lapy-lapy-lap-top for ... God, I hope it's the cord and all they have to do is replace it ... !
Ok, really going now ... Night :o)
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Back when Rachel was first diagnosed, her mum Jodi, swore that she would not give up. She would run down every avenue, follow up every possible treatment, do anything possible, to get Rachel her cure. And she has. Jodi has written about countless hours researching E.S. (the type of cancer Rachel has), numerous phone calls/email/talks to try to find a way to rid Rachel's little body of this cancer. They've tried different hopsitals and clinics, trying to find their little girl a way out of this crappy cancer world.
However, Rachel's doctor feels that her body cannot be helped any longer. The chemo is doing more damage than good, and is making poor Rachel feel terrible about 90% of the time. Side effects from chemo are causing hospital stays, which are lasting longer and longer each time.
From Rachel's Caringbridge site (it's been edited - to read the full version of Jodi's entry, head on over to www.caringbridge.org/mn/rachelhansen):
What a difference a day can make. Heck, what a difference 30 minutes can make. We went to clinic yesterday and I fully expected to be talking about different chemotherapies or reduced amounts or something along those lines, but I wasn't prepared for leaving the hospital with a migraine headache, an upset stomache, and the dry heaves.
I got sat down and got told "the talk" yesterday. I wasn't expecting it, I wasn't prepared for it, and I didn't like it. It's one of the days that we prayed would never come. I got told that "it's time to stop treatment and let her die". How's that for a punch in the gut? How's that for pulling the rug right from underneath you? How's that for turning on the waterworks?
Yes, Rachel's primary oncologist feels that Rachel's counts are taking too big of a hit from chemo and that she just can't recover fast enough for chemo to do her any good. And she feels that if she reduces the amount of chemo she gives her that it won't hit the cancer. "Let's face facts," she said, "over the past two years we were able to keep the cancer at bay for six months at a time but now I can't even get a second round of chemo in." She's concerned about Rachel's platelets and how we've had to be in everyday for transfusions and says, "That's no life." She also said, "I can give her more chemo and then you can spend a month in the hospital again. That's also no life." Well, maybe not to her but if we're getting rid of the cancer--even if ever so slowly--we'll do it. So, she thinks we should stop treatment, we should enjoy her while we have her, and let her die.
Her doctor said that there is no right or wrong answer. She said we could choose to go down fighting and that there's nothing wrong with that but then does Rachel enjoy life? I looked at her and said, "So, what's the difference between Rachel being in excruciating pain from the tumor pushing on organs until she dies, or giving chemo and dieing from a bacterial infection?" She said that she can't make decisions for us nor could she even say what she would do if she were in our situation with her own child. She said that all she could do was tell me what she's seen from standing on the outside. She said that those families who quietly accept that their child is going to die from the cancer go on and do things that they haven't been able to do during treatment (ie. take trips, etc.). They make memories with that child and enjoy each day, each hour that they have with them. The child is included in decisions about their death and that the entire extended family and community is able to help and knows how to help (oh, really????). When you continue to fight you don't get to make those memories and the child isn't part of the decisions. She also didn't think that we should tell Rachel about the decision at hand and that we should just make the decision and tell her about it once it was made. (Uh, we included her when she was FOUR, how do we not include her now?)
Mark's comment to all of this when we were together and I reiterated it for him was, "Blah, blah, blah." Mine was, "Oh, really?" You can hear the sarcasm, right?We're hurt, we're angry, we're disgruntled, we're confused, we feel hung out to dry.
So, what now? We don't know. We don't know what we're going to do. Her doctor said it was time to stop the research. That gets a resounding, "I don't think so" from me. It's all I have right now. I will research until I find that there's nothing else out there. Every stone will continue to be overturned until there's no more to turn over. That's the only way I could live with myself. I can't take what she says at face value and just wither away and watch my child die. I have no idea if we'll do more treatment or not. I have no idea what I'll find in my research. I don't know if anything will even work or if she'll even qualify as a candidate for many things. But we won't know unless we try. Giving up isn't in the vocabulary yet. Not yet. Next week could be different, but not today.
I know that if we do find a treatment plan to do, Rachel's doctor won't start it until her platelets have leveled out a bit more so we've got a little bit of time to work on this. We've got some time to make some big decisions. We don't know what we're going to do. We don't know which direction we're going in.
What an incredibly tough thing to have to face. It's impossible to know what you'd do in that situation. You don't want any child to have to suffer, or be in pain, but you're not ready to let them go, and to lose them forever. The expression "stuck in between a rock and a hard place" comes to mind - in the most extreme form. What do you do? The worst of all decisions. So many CaringBridge families have had to face it though, and it's so unfair. Unfair doesn't even really seem to cover it though, does it?
Let's hope whatever decision that Mark, Jodi and Rachel make fills them with peace, and comfort.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Yourself Or Someone Like You
She grabs her magazines,
is he got reasons he don't,
Something different ...
In the style of a
I bring to you,
The highlights ...
And lowlights ...
Of my day.
Was a lowlight ..
My friend, you are ...
How to put this ...
Who clearly has no morals,
No sense of courtesy,
And just in case you did not know,
When you purchase things on ebay,
You are expected to pay for them!
(Feel free to email jess if you wish ... don't be too polite!)
Toonz has gone,
Goodbye sweet iPod,
It's been but a single day,
And your absence is felt already.
How will I get by?
The stock market may be up ...
But my worries are (slightly) down ...
As of today,
I have been granted the
3 hours at Centrelink ...
Endless questions ...
Countless forms ...
Good thing too,
Another rejection letter arrived today ...
Highlights and lowlights for the day
Are now pretty much done,
It was a quiet day ...
But not a down one.
Let me know if you like this style of blogging :o) Might do it a bit more often!
Monday, April 09, 2007
I rang DHS ...
Left a message ...
Saying that my prick of a brother ...
Is staying at the house ...
With his son ...
And he's not meant to be ...
And I named him ...
And Jordyn ...
And I really hope that someone does something about it ...
And I DO NOT REGRET IT.
Went to see the Easter parade. It was pretty cool. The funniest things I spotted:
* The world's ugliest drag queen on the Bendigo Gay/Lesbian/Bisexual/Transgender/Intergender Float.
* Twins, about 12 months old, dressed up in traditional chinese dress, one in black with red design, the other in red with black design, looking gorgeous ... but screaming their lungs out :o)
* A man who looked to be about 70 years old, twirling a baton, rather energetically - I was seriously concerned he was going to have some kind of stroke or heart attack
* Homer Simpson leading a band that included Shrek, who was playing the trumpet, along with a Happy feet penguin, Batman, Spiderman and The Phantom (No, I'm not kidding, it was some kind of band, all dressed up as characters)
* A group of people playing *instruments* made from old car parts - tubes, pipes, wires - all that kinda stuff. Strangely, they didn't seem to be making much noise.
* A group of middle aged men, dressed in bright green, carrying a long dragon puppet on a string, who found it hilarious to make the puppet *dance*
... Yep, it was fun ... :o)
So yeah. Got home this morning. Been doing a lot of thinking. A lot of serious thinking. Now, I'm not big on serious thinking, but I've been doing it anyway. I don't know how I got *here* to this point in my life, and I don't know how to get *there* - I don't even know where *there* is that I want to go to. And I can't figure out what got so fucked up that I forgot who I was, and where I wanted to go.
The truth is, I don't think I ever knew what I wanted. I left high school without a frickin clue about what I wanted to do at uni - all I knew was that everyone expected me to go to uni ... So I went to uni. Wasted two years doing a general Arts degree, never getting any closer to figuring what I wanted to do.
I wish now that I'd taken a year off after high school. The truth is, I barely remember my first year of uni, because I was so unhappy. I was still missing Mel so bad - I don't think it really hit me that she was gone until Feb 2002, even though she died in Sept 2001. As harsh and weird as it sounds, when she died, I couldn't deal with it - I didn't want to. So I did what I always do - I kept going. I had school, assignments, exams, the formal, year 12 end-of-school parties to worry about. Then I had work to keep me busy - picking up as many shifts as I could, doing longer hours. Then it was the Queensland trip, two weeks of forgetting everything, then it was moving for uni and getting settled. Once I moved tho, I wasn't working, and I had nothing to keep me busy ... So it really hit me.
Then I met Mike. I don't know whether that was ever real. I don't know why I believed - it was obviously one big joke, and it meant nothing ... But it meant something to me. And, what's so fucked up, is even now ... I can't let it go! God, how stupid am I. But there's still a part of me that just doesn't want to let go, doesn't want to give up, doesn't want to believe that I could have been so dumb.
So I bumbled my way through La Trobe, barely passing, before they *suggested* that I take a year off to get myself together ... Yeah, that didn't happen. Guess I still hadn't learnt my lesson, because I went straight back into studying - Griffith Uni, by correspondence. And for a while, that went ok. Before I started to doubt myself, and crash. Again.
Hmm. Might continue this later or tomorrow.
Sunday, April 08, 2007
Darren rang today. Guess where he is? Yeah ... With Lorri. And Jordyn. Against the protection order. Against the LAW.
So I spoke to him for 15 seconds before hanging up. Think I'm joking? No. My side of the conversation went something like "Hello ... What do you want? ... Mum's at work ... Fine. Bye" Hang up without waiting for a response.
I'm sick of everything. Sick of Darren and the way he is. The way he treats people. The way he's such a fucking asshole. The way he doesn't stop to think about the way he acts, and the way it affects people.
I've had enough of Amanda too ... Letting Darren get away with everything. Lying for him.
Arrrgggghhh I don't know. I need to get my life back together, but I don't know how I can with all this stuff going on. I need to figure out what the hell I want to do, where I want to go ...
Saturday, April 07, 2007
Not much happening here. But you know, I'm in a tiny country town, and there's never much happening here :o) This morning mum and I went out to the Murrabit Market, and it was packed. I haven't been to the market in about 5 - 6 years, but I don't remember it ever being that busy! But there's a lot of people camping at Murrabit for Easter, plus a lot of people were in Kerang this weekend for the races, so they went to the market this morning, plus apparently the Easter market is usually really popular. Mum and I ended up giving up after about an hour, it was just crazy! So we had something to eat and then came home.
Didn't do much this arvo, went for a walk down the street with mum, then spent the rest of the afternoon watching dvds and sewing Amber's blanket. I've finished a patch, and I'm hoping to have another one done before I go to bed. I need about 5 - 6 more patches to fill empty spots on the blanket.
I'm going home Monday morning, so I can catch the Easter parade at lunch time. I've lived in Bendigo for almost 5 years, and have never once seen the Easter fair! I was in Bendigo for the last two Easters, and yet I still managed to miss the fact that the entire city turns into the home of a chinese dragon! And the fireworks?! How the hell did I miss them last year?!! *lol* Oh yeah, I'm so observant!
Anyway. Might go get back to the blanket. :o)
Friday, April 06, 2007
Anyway! I actually came on to blog about my day yesterday: Best. Day ... In a long time!! Got my form from Centrelink ... ALL I had to do was sign it. Just sign it. Only had to sign it. That's it! *lol* That actually annoyed me, because had this been done three weeks ago by Centrelink, I could have had the form signed three weeks ago and handed it back in. Anyway, took the form into the office, and there were *only* six people in line in front of me. Now, six people is nothing at Centrelink Bendigo! Usually, you get a line of about 9 or 10, and you're waiting for 30 - 40 minutes, but yesterday I only had 6 people in front of me, and I didn't even wait a full 20 minutes! *lol* Did get slightly annoyed when the Centrelink employee looked at the form and went "Yep. Okay. That's fine. Bye." I'm just standing there going ... "Um ... Ok." All that hassle for 20 seconds?!
So then I went to the library. I've had $40+ worth of fines on my library card for the last 2 and a half years, but I've never gotten around to paying the fines. When I was working, it didn't matter so much - I'd just buy whatever book I wanted. Of course, now I'm poor and unempployed I can't do that! So I had $20 in my wallet, and went to the counter to ask if I could pay some off my fines, and pay the rest off when I got the remainder of the money. The lady at the counter told me that it was in fact Amnesty (?spelling?) Month, and proceeded to *WIPE* all my fines! So I no longer owe the library a single cent! (Am feeling slightly guilty about it though, but I'm working on a plan to get them their money - maybe by donating a couple of books?) So I had a wander around the library, found about 10 or 11 books I wanted to borrow, and then had to figure out how to get the books home. Then I spotted the red library bags (Like the green shopping bags) and asked if they were for sale, to be told that they had ordered way to many, so they were giving them away! DUDE! Was it my lucky day or what?!!
So then, I'm walking home, and I come across a craft/embroidery store less than a block from my house! I had thought I would have to go all the way out to Spotlight on the bus to get some more thread for my blanket and some more aida cloth, but now I know I can get the stuff easily! So I stopped in and got some black thread, and some beautiful hand-dyed multi-coloured thread - one rainbow one, and one all different shades of pink. Also picked up some more yellow, blue and white thread.
As it turns out, my good day hadn't quite finished. I got home to get a phonecall from Ang, asking me if I'd like to be Ryan's godmother! While they're not religious, and don't attend chruch, they have decided to have a naming day for Ryan, and have decided to do the whole Godmother/Godfather thing. So of course, I'm honoured, and incredibly touched. The Godfather has not yet been decided, apparently that's up to Vince (Ang's boyfriend) and he's not yet been bothered with the hassle of making a decision :-P
Annnyway ... This has turned into a bit of a long-winded entry. I'm at my mum and dad's for a few days - think I might go home on Sunday afternoon. Got home last night on the train.
Ok, time to toddle off and do something ... I'm *trying* to get the blanket finished, trying, trying, trying ...!
Thursday, April 05, 2007
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 04, 2007 09:56 AM, CDT
Per numerous requests, here is Johnny's eulogy broken into 2 entries:
Today is a sad day, not only for us, but for the employees and stockholders of Toys R Us as well. If you are still holding Toys R Us stock, you should probably contact your stockbroker soon.
7 1/2 years ago, we were all blessed with Matthew. From the start, we knew that Matty was special and that he would touch so many lives in so many ways. The journey that Matty took was not an easy one, but he showed us that the strongest don't always take the simplest path and because of their strength, they live and love life as we all should. Matty traveled his path with a smile and an attitude that far surpassed his 7 1/2 years; he had wisdom and courage that we may never achieve. Matty, you taught us that strength is not only physical, but it is also a trait that allowed you to be a happy loving kid despite all that you had gone through.
First, you taught all of your classmates and friends to be brave, helping them to understand what you were going through. You showed them what your feeding tube was used for and how you used it to take your medicine. When they removed your wrist tumor, you showed your class that it was OK and that you now had a "new" short arm. You also let them know that it was OK to correct your teachers when they were singing the wrong words to a song because Nana taught you how to sing them the "right" way! You made sure that everyone at Children's Hospital remembered your name. Just prior to your transplant, an OR nurse called a time out to make sure everyone in the room was on the same page. She knew the procedure but not the patient, "This is Matty Duboc," she said. Matty, despite the sedation's effects, tapped the nurse on the arm and went on to correct her, "It's Dubuc!"
Secondly, the most important people that you have influenced are your brothers, Christopher and Zachary. Having you as a brother has made them love life and love each other more. This gift of love is the greatest gift that you could have ever given to them and we love you for this.
When Sr. Judy visited last week, she told me that the journey that you have walked has brought you so close to God. I believe this with all of my heart and I hope that some day we can all find what you already know.
I want to share a few memorable Matty stories with you:
Matty met some famous people and was able to accomplish amazing things. Sandra was asked to speak at a Children's Hospital fundraiser and Matty met his Papa's favorite baseball player, Jim Rice. Jim Rice was awestruck with Matty and told him that he was not the celebrity, but that Matty was. Matty also had a private meeting with his favorite Red Sox player, Jason Varitek. I am not sure who was more excited, Matty or Sandra. Matty threw out the first pitch at the Red Sox/Blue Jays game on 9/29/05. We were in awe of the response that Matty received from the fans; we could not believe how much they were cheering. Matty threw a perfect pitch and skipped off the field so excited....excited that he just got a big hug from Wally the Green Monster!
Continued: We realized that we may have taken too many Disney trips when the boys were putting on a show one day and Matty started off by making sure that the audience knew that smoking and flash photography were not allowed...in English and in Spanish.
We also knew that Matty was watching a little too much Spongebob when he would start giving a detailed narrative of the next episode that was going to be on the DVD. He would not allow you to miss any of the episode by pausing the DVD when anyone left the room. If you were gone for too long, the first thing you would hear when you returned was, "Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?" and Matty would say, "I had to start it all over." We soon learned not to leave for too long.
I know how much every kid loves building Legos, but Matty had a passion for them; well, at least for looking at the boxes. We would make our Toys R Us run and Matty would pick out 4 or 5 sets of Legos. Most of them were just to look at but the occassional 924 piece set would have to be built. I learned early on that if you build a Lego and a child touches it, you will have a nice pile of Legos. I was able to convince Matty to allow me to take a little extra time when building the Lego set and use super glue on every piece that was not supposed to move. Matty knew that a Lego without super glue is a model and one with super glue is a toy. Matty and I made many toys that he enjoyed.
Matty, you have made Mommy and I so proud of the way that you lived your life and we appreciate all of the love, hugs, and kisses that you have given us and that we have put into our hearts.
Life is a journey that can take you many places; some of them may not seem like places that you want to be but if you open your eyes and hearts, visiting these places can be a wonderful experience. Matty helped us make our journey with him a wonderful one.
Sandra read: Matty, you told Dada that he was your hero when he was overseas and you told Sr. Judy that I was your hero because I took such great care of you. But in actuality, Matty, it is you that has always been our true hero. We love you to everywhere and back.
(blow kisses to Matty) - Catch it and put it in your heart!
By the way, Matty's website: www.caringbridge.org/visit/matty. Also, the Lowell Sun has video of Matty's mum and dad reading the eulogy at the funeral, and it is just ... beautiful, and unbelievably touching ... The strength showed by Sandra and Johnny is just ... amazing. If you'd like to view the video, go to www.lowellsun.com, and search for Matty Dubuc funeral. Have some tissues handy though, because if you're anything like me ... You'll cry the whole way through. Words cannot even describe how touching this video is. Nor can they describe how awesome Matty and his family are.
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
I've just been on RHP (dating site) and oh-my-gosh, you would not believe how many *married* guys are on there! It's unbelievable! And I think I've made it pretty clear on my profile that I'm not interested in married or otherwised attached people (by saying "Please do not even bother emailing me if you are married or attached" - can I get much clearer than that?!) and yet, they still message me! It actually makes me kinda sad ... If you're not happy, then leave/break up. Don't cheat! How much would that hurt? To realise your partner is on the internet, looking for meaningless sex? I can't believe how many people are just looking for "Friends with benefits" or "F**kbuddies". Hmm. The world is a weird, sad place these days!
So, anyway, the main point of this was ... Wait, I forgot :o) Nah, just kidding. The point was, you would not believe how hard it is to find someone who is single, who's looking for a little bit more than just sex. Ahh well, the search continues ... I have actually met (well, chatted to) one guy who seems really nice. A little older than me (26) and although slightly confused by my "no, im not going to meet you for sex" attitude, we had a great talk. Maybe it won't go anywhere, but you never know :o)
Found out before that the "people" who have been "buying" my iPod on ebay are part of some scam ... I started to get a bit suspicious when every address it had to be shipped to was in Nigeria (Kate - "Oh, hello ... The Nigerians on the internet" ... *LOL*) so I went to the actual website of Barclays Bank (in the UK), to ask if they had, in fact, been sending me emails to tell me to send the item before the money would be put into my bank account. And, what a shock, they hadn't been! I had a feeling the whole thing was a scam, so I've emailed ebay, to let them know. Whats been happening is the item has "sold", the so-called buyer has then emailed me to say they've put the money in the account, and Barclays will transfer it into my account, and then the "Bank" will email me, asking for the item to be sent, and a shipping number to be sent to them, and *then* they say they will transfer the money. Luckily, I'm not quite *that* stupid, and had so far refused to send the item without first seeing the money. So anyone who's on ebay, *BEWARE!* "Oh hello ... The Nigerians on the internet" !!!
Didn't do much today. I slept until 11. I've stopped taking the zoloft, so I'm really shaky/dizzy/tired at the moment. It's actually kind of funny ... I'll be sitting down, and the whole room will just start spinning! Or I'll be in the middle of doing something, and I'll lose my balance and the room will do the whirlies again! Hopefully this doesn't last too much longer. I stopped taking them because I don't want to be reliant on tablets to be "happy". I need to get back on my feet, and I don't want to do it whilst on the tablets, because what happens if I get back to a stage when I'm "ok" again, and the doctor decides to stop the zoloft. Where will I be then? I'd just like to get back to normal, on my own, I guess. Plus, I really don't feel that they've been doing much to help me at all.
Spent a bit of time on Amber's baby blanket today. Gee, I'm soooo glad it will be finished before she's born ... Oh wait a second, she was born 21 months ago ... Oops! I really hope to have it finished before her 2nd birthday. At the moment it's taking a long time, due to the whole dizzy/shaking thing, hopefully once this passes I can work a lot faster :o) I've decided that the new baby will not be getting a blanket, I know I did one for Jordyn, and Amber, but I think I might do something different for my new niece/nephew. The blankets take too long to do, and I just want to try something new. Problem is, I don't know what the *new* and different thing I want to do is :-P
It's currently 1:54 a.m. Earlier tonight, I went outside and the sky was just beautful. It was nighttime, but parts of the sky were sort of light ... I think we're expecting some rain. Anyway, I looked up to see an big angel shape, with three similiar, smaller shapes underneath. I don't know why, but I immediately thought of Matty, Mia, Jake, and Hannah, who were all taken to Heaven much to early. It was just amazing. Occasionally I see some *pink* in the sunset, and I think of Hannah, but I've never seen anything like tonight :o)
Plans for tomorrow ... Well, since I didn't do much today, I need to get back into the jobsearch thing tomorrow. I also need to ring Centrelink, since I got a letter from them today, and I kid you not, it was *ONE* line! Yep, seriously. So I need to find out what's going on there! I also need to ring Origin Energy and find out what's going on with my electricity bill. I also have to ring the counselling place. Probably should also go buy some food at some stage as well, since my fridge is empty ... Well, I have some cheese and pineapple juice in there :o) And that's it ... How sad is that! :-P
Anyway, it's now after 2 a.m. so I should probably think about heading to bed. Have a great night!
Sunday, April 01, 2007
(Top left) Amber, the *I'm-so-cute-and-I-know-it-kid* How frickin gorgeous is she in this photo! Look at that grin! Taken Jan 07 (Middle of the page) Amber, on the move at 12 months old. (Bottom right) Amber and Sherlock, the two of them follow each other everywhere when Amber visits Nan and Pa!(Top left & right) Jordyn and Lorri. Jordyn is 18 months old in both photos. (Bottom) Jordyn and Lorri, Jordyn is 6 months old in this photo.
(Top photo) Amber, after she'd thrown a tantrum! (Bottom left) Amber, in the middle of throwing a little tanty! (Bottom right) Taken at Christmas time, 2006 - One of Ambers fave things to do was get my socks and put them on her feet ... Although they look huge on her, they are actually the anklet style socks! And my feet aren't even that big!
(Top right hand corner) Jordyn laughing at his stooopid Aunt Rach (who has been cut out of the pic!) This photo was taken Jan 07, Jordyn was 25 months old. (Bottom left) is Jordyn laughing at the teddy bear, which was *falling* from the sky! (Bottom right) Jordyn in Jan 07 again, *playing* with Memphis, his cat. Despite the slightly rough treatment, Memphis adores Jordyn!
So today, I *finally* got around to finishing my album of the kids. I did 9 pages of Jordyn (my nephew) and 9 pages of Amber (my niece) and 2 of them together. Overall I'm fairly happy with how it turned out. In the photo above, Jordyn is 3 weeks old. This is how he slept for the first 2 months of his life - on his tummy, legs like a little frog!
My nickname for Amber is *Bug Eyes* and it's mainly because of the photo at the top of this page! Up until she was about 8-9 months old, she would *bug* her eyes out of her head! It's hilarious!
I feel like ... I have to be *happy* even though I'm so obviously not. There's a few people who know what's really going on with me, but even they don't know what I'm really thinking, how I'm really feeling. And I don't know how to tell them. I don't know why I can't say something, anything.
I guess because everyone has this perception that I can handle everything, which I clearly can't, and that's why I ended up in this situation. I have no job. I have no motivation. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know what to do next. I guess trying to deal with the way things are now is my way of trying to show people that I can still handle *something* even though, I'm failing miserably. I just can't let go and say *HELP*. Because even though I know that they would help in a heartbeat, I am too damn ... What? Stubborn? Proud? Stupid? Independent? I don't know. I guess I don't want to show how *WEAK* I really am. Because I am. I feel so weak inside, like *everything*, every single thing in my life at the moment, is too much for me to deal with. How pathetic is that? I don't have a job. I'm not at uni. I don't have any responsibilities, and yet, I *STILL* can't deal with anything! How pathetic is that! God, I don't know.
I hate that I've turned into this person, who whines about this kind of shit, because this is not me. I've never been this kind of person. I'm the one who goes from day to day, just crusing along, making people laugh, listening, each day taking another step towards who I am, and who I want to be. But, in the last few months, that's all changed, and now, I don't know who I am, or what I'm doing, or where I want to go. And I hate that. I really hate that. Because my whole world has fucked up, starting with the family stuff that happened in December, and everything has just deteriorated from there on in. I feel like it's out of control, and I don't know how to get control back. I don't even know where to start.
What should I do? Read some kind of self-help book? Damn, wouldn't it be nice if *all* the answers were that simple. I just feel like ... Why bother, you know? And I hate that too, because that's not me either! I don't just give up. If something stuffs up, if there's a problem, I fix it. It might take me a while, but I fix it. I make it ok. And I can't do that now! I don't know how. And I don't even really care that I don't know how. I just feel like staying in my house, hiding away, saying "Fine. Stay broken. Stay stuffed up. I don't give a damn".
And you know what makes me feel really shitty? The fact that every day, I check on *my* CaringBridge kids, who have real problems, who have serious problems, and I have the nerve to complain about my so-called problems. God, I don't know.
Whatever. Letting it go now. I'll deal with it tomorrow.
Anyway, speaking of the CB kids, if you have time, please check on:
*The gorgeous Hunter, who has really touched my heart (she's such a cutie!) www.caringbridge.org/ma/hunter
*Matty's family, who are still trying to find their new normal (www.caringbridge.org/visit/matty)
*Penelope, who's fighting so hard at the moment, but sadly she doesn't have much time left with her loving family (www.caringbridge.org/ny/penelope)
*Sarah, who's having a bit of a rough time after her transplant (www.caringbridge.org/visit/sarahecouncil)
*Lizzie's family, who are missing her more and more (www.caringbridge.org/ne/lizziegirl)
*Rachel, who's still in hospital and having a terrible time at the moment with a lot of pain (www.caringbridge.org/mn/rachelhansen)
*Blair's family, who are also trying to adjust to a new normal after Blair became an angel last week (www.caringbridge.org/visit/blair)
Ok, that's it from me. Don't forget, there's a list of CaringBridge links on the right hand side of this page. I'm adding some more tomorrow, when I have time to properly update them. Please check out some of the sites and leave a message of support in the guestbook if you have 5 minutes, even if it's just to say "Hi! Thinking of you!". I'm sure it helps. (** If you know of someone with a CB site and you want them added to the list, let me know, and I will add them for you :o) **)
*** Added at 1:45 am - Please pray for Alivia (www.caringbridge.org/visit/aliviamoore) who has had a seizure or a stroke (full details aren't yet known) I'm sure her family would really appreciate any support that was offered! ***