Saturday, March 10, 2007

Wow, what a fuck-up ...

So tonight, I can't sleep.
Everything has fallen apart. Well and truly, completely, totally fallen to the shit-house.
Bit by bit, I've been losing control over the last couple of months. I don't even know how to describe it. It's just ... slowly, I've felt myself losing my grip on the *perfect* life, and the *perfect* personality everyone expects me to have. I ... don't know what the hell is wrong with me.
And tonight, I lost my job. As a direct result of all this shit. Because of things I've done (without realising) and not being able to talk to someone, about everything I'm thinking, and feeling. For the last couple of months, I've been "losing" days, or parts of days ... Not being able to remember what the hell I've done, or where I've been. And that's also been happening at work.
So now, I have no job. And a feeling of utter terror inside me that I'm going to have to tell my parents what's going on. How can I do that? They have enough to deal with, how am I meant to tell them what's going on with me? I can't even comprehend telling them, making them worry. That's not me. I don't make them worry. I'm the *good* child, the one who doesn't cause any problems, who just quietly goes about making things all good, looking after herself.
God, what a total fuck up.
I'm so very, very tired. But I can't sleep. I lie there, with my eyes closed, willing sleep to happen, but it won't work for me. I don't know. My head is pounding, so badly, and I just want to go to sleep and wake up to find out this has all been just a bad dream, but I know that won't happen.
I don't know where I'm meant to go from here. How do I put all the pieces back together??? How the hell am I meant to do that??? I don't even know where to start. Uni, family, my sleeping & eating habits, employment ... Everything is a mess. I feel like it's not going to go back together. The puzzle is stuffed, someone's stolen all the pieces, and it won't fit back together. I feel like just leaving. Disappearing. Because then no one would have to worry. I know it doesn't work like that, but I want so badly to just go.
I don't know. I just don't know. I need sleep, god do I need sleep, but I can't sleep. My head hurts to much, and the thoughts just won't stop going around and around.

I. Don't. KNOW.

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