** copied from my other blog **
** originally posted on the 21/01/2007, on my msn space **
full update on the last 2 weeks ...
so ... as you may have guessed, my holidays didnt explain turn out to be all that relaxing or fun ...
um ... where to start. ok, my first day of holidays was tuesday the 9th. the next day i went to melbourne to stay with amanda. i planned on staying there from wednesday to sunday. on thursday darren and lorri finished up at QEC, which is where they had been staying for 2 weeks. Department of Human Services (DHS) were concerned about Jordyn, that he wasnt where he should be developmentally and they were also worried because he's fairly small for his age. so darren and lorri had to stay at the Queen Elizabeth Centre (QEC) in melbourne for 2 weeks, so DHS could see how the parented Jordyn. the QEC also runs programs and stuff during the day to help people become better parents.
darren and lorri and jordyn got to amanda's on thursday afternoon with the news that DHS had taken out a protection order for jordyn, based on what they'd observed in the 2 weeks the three of them were at the QEC. the protection order was against darren, saying that he was not allowed to be near jordyn at all, and that he could not go home to their house to live. it was only a temporary protection order, for 8 days. the following friday, DHS would take it back to court after they had decided whether to extend the order or allow darren to go home.
on thursday night while darren and lorri were at amanda's, i refused to speak to darren because of the way he treated lorri and jordyn, and the way he spoke to them. so i spent most of thursday night in the spare room at amandas, avoiding darren. lorri and jordyn only stayed at amandas for an hour or so, before leaving for home.
on friday morning, i decided to go home early. i left amandas at 9, and was home in bendigo at 1. i knew that if i stayed, darren and i would end up in a massive fight, because i was so angry at him, and the way he was being such an asshole.
friday night, christine and jason came to stay. they went out to get some dinner, while i hung around home. while they were gone, lorri rang. remembering what she said still makes me want to cry.
lorri told me that darren had hit jordyn, at least twice that she knew of.
lorri told me that darren had been abusive/agressive and violent toward her.
i got off the phone, and i was so angry and upset. i rang amanda and told her to tell darren that i never wanted to speak to him again, and that as far as i was concerned, i no longer had a brother, and he didnt exist. i was yelling and crying, and i can honestly say i hated darren right then. and if he'd been standing in front of me, i would have attacked him.
i hated him.
christine and jason got back here to find me crying, and i spent the night saying to christine ... "he's just a kid. jordyn's just a gorgeous kid. and darren fucking hit him. HE'S JUST A KID!"
saturday i'd calmed down a bit. i didnt want to ruin christine and jason's weekend, so i spent the day being a dickhead with chrissie. i got out of the house for a while so they'd have some time alone. saturday night we all watched tennis and a dvd.
sunday morning we all got up about 11 and made pancakes, and somehow christine and i ended up having a food fight ... not a massive one, but about 1 when i was still cleaning jam out of my hair and off my face my mum rang.
mum rang to tell me that on saturday night darren had overdosed and was in hospital.
mum was hysterical, so i spent the first 10 minutes of the phonecall trying to get her to calm down. she said she would be coming to bendigo, then going to melbourne to see him and lorri and jordyn. she asked if i wanted to go with her, and i said no.
i didnt think i could handle it, i was so upset and angry with darren still, and i was just ... confused. i dont know. i got off the phone and chrissie and jason were standing there just looking at me, trying to figure out what was going on. i was shaking and for some reason my voice just didnt want to work. the tears were also starting to fall.
jason left a few minutes later, and chrissie sat with me on the couch as i cried and cried. i didnt even know why i was really crying. i just cried and cried, big huge sobs, that just didnt want to stop. about half an hour later i got myself together, and rang to see if mum had left yet and dad said she had. he also asked me to go to melbourne with mum, so i said i'd think about it.
i ended up throwing some stuff into my backpack and jumping on the train with mum. when we got to melbourne, lorri and jordyn had driven in from phillip island to pick us up. it took about 2 hours to get back out to phillip island, and i spent the whole time entertaining jordyn while mum and lorri talked about everything.
when we finally got to lorri's house, mum and lorri took off for the hospital and i stayed at the house with jordyn. i gave him some tea and then put him to bed. then i spent the next 3 hours just wandering around the house ... cleaning, crying, thinking, trying to watch tennis, answering the phone ... it was all so surreal.
mum and lorri got home from the hospital about midnight. they said that darren was ok, but that they thought he was up to something, because everything mum said he agreed with. mum told darren he was going home to kerang to live with mum and dad again, and that he would be getting a job and going to counselling.
on monday darren was discharged from hospital. because he couldnt go back to house if jordyn was there, lorri drove him and mum to melbourne to stay at amandas. i stayed with jordyn again, we spent the afternoon just hanging out, with me trying to make sense of everything ... i didnt have much luck.
lorri got home late monday night and we decided i'd stay with her and jordyn until thursday. on tuesday mum and darren went home to kerang. it was friggin hot on tuesday, even on the island with the sea breeze. the power went out on tuesday night so we ended up going to the beach for a couple of hours. just getting out of the house, no phones, just jordyn and lorri and i, chilling out, was so awesome. i think it was what we all needed, just a couple of hours so we didnt have to think about any of it, we just focused on making sure jordyn was having fun splashing around in the water. we all had a great time.
we got home tuesday night and darren had rung lorri a few times, and she went onto msn messenger and he was on their hassling her about whether or not she was going to wait for him, whether she'd find someone else while he was away and all that kind of crap.
there was NO MENTION of his son, my gorgeous little nephew JORDYN.
(mum said that on sunday night, darren didnt ask about jordyn either or even mention him)
wednesday lorri and i decided to get out of the house again and we went for a walk down the main street and had a look in a few shops. i spoilt my gorgeous little man, buying him heaps! wednesday night lorri and i had another long talk, where i turned into counsellor rach again (for the 500th time that week!)
thursday morning darren rang while lorri was stll in bed, and turned into a fucking asshole when i told him i wasnt going to wake lorri up just so he could talk to her. he rang again half an hour later and he had another go at me so i ended up saying goodbye and just hanging up. then lorri and i took jordyn into the maternal health nurse, and we left straight for melbourne from there.
ok, i started this entry 50 minutes ago so i might take a break ... think it must be getting near the word limit anyway.
read previous entry first. this is my second entry tonight ... a continuation.
um ... where was i ...
thursday ... got into the station and the next train wasnt for an hour, and as it was still fairly warm i told lorri not to wait around for me to leave. i didnt want jordyn in the heat, and i knew lorri had a long trip home.
i think them leaving made me finally realising how much i'd been avoiding dealing with everything that had happened. because all week, all i was focused on was lorri and jordyn. so i got on the train with nothing to do but think.
and that was when the tears started.
i cried on and off all the way to bendigo (thank god for sunglasses to hide behind). it wasnt lots of crying, just a few tears here and there before i could get myself together again before i'd get upset and have another little cry, then i'd calm down ... needless to say, it was a long trip home. not helped by the fact that a pushy old lady moved my bag and sat right next to me, also taking up half my seat in the process. if there's one thing i really hate, it's sitting next to someone on the train or bus. i cant handle it, i just hate it.
when i got home, late thursday arvo, it really hit me. just me here, with nothing to do but think about every single thing that had happened. i had no one to worry about, no gorgeous little man to entertain, no upset sister in law to talk to ... just me. and my thoughts. and my DAMN TEARS. i ended up sitting on my bed, having a total breakdown, crying for 40 minutes, just letting everything out. i know i probably needed it, but it was confusing, because i didnt know why i was crying, who i was crying for, and i didnt understand why i couldnt stop crying.
finally calmed myself down and sat on the couch, just staring out the window for a while. so many thoughts just kept going back and forth ...
what if darren had died?
why did he do that? was he really trying to kill himself or did he just want sympathy?
what the hell had he been doing to jordyn?
why hadnt lorri said something about how darren had treated her?
why hadnt i noticed that something was wrong? why hadnt SOMEONE noticed that something was wrong?
is jordyn going to be ok? is lorri going to be ok?
whats going to happen now, how the hell are we going to deal with this?
what the hell .... ????????
friday afternoon i went back to work ... thought i should speak to lisa about what was going on in case i need to take more time off work ... got about 2 words out (no joke) before the tears started AGAIN. lisa was really good, i told her everything that was going on and she was actually really nice and supportive and said just to tell her if i need time off or anything.
friday night mum rang to say that DHS had gone back to court. the protection order was extended. for 12 MONTHS. which im so happy about. darren doesnt deserve lorri and jordyn, and hopefully 12 months will give him time to grow the fuck up and become a decent partner and father.
anyway, there's more to say, but i worked this morning (yesterday morning now, it's after 12) so i was up at 5 after only 4 hours sleep, so i might have to go crash. im friggin exhausted. tonight i will be sleeping in my own bed for the first time since tuesday 9th. yeah, seriously. when i got home from melb, christine and jason had my room, then i was at lorri's, and since i got home thursday night i've been sleeping in the lounge with the airconditioner coz inside the house has been fairly hot and yuckky, but tonight the house is nice and cool so i can sleep in my BED! woo hoo.