Happy Birthday to me.

It's my birthday today.

And I didn't even get so much as a card from my housemate.

I'm sad.

I don't want to be here anymore.

I feel angry, bitter.

I feel like I've been forced out of my home, and that's just so, so upsetting.

I know this is not my house, I know that I was never going to live here forever ... But it's just so hard.

I can't even look at my housemate. I can barely bring myself to speak to her.

I don't hate her or anything. I'm just so upset.

I just want to be out of here already.

I'm tired of being somewhere I'm not wanted, somewhere I don't even feel welcome anymore.

I'm tired of crying every night. I'm tired of feeling akward and out of place.

"Forgiving someone does not mean forgetting what they did. It simply means letting go of the hurt."

I got ...

A house!!

Yes, all the stress of the last few weeks has just floated away!

Yesterday morning I received a phone call to say that an application I put in had been approved.

I'll take some photos when I move in. It's a beautiful house. 3 bedrooms. Awesome kitchen and living area. Huge back yard.

And the best part? Literally a one minute drive from work. Yahoo!

I'm so relieved. So, so happy to be getting out of this negative environment. It will be the best thing for me.

16 days until moving day!

Did you know ...

That Edwin H. Sutherland had a theory that criminal behaviour is learned? And that it is learned in interaction with others who have already incorporated criminal behaviour?

No, I didn't know that either.

And by tomorrow, I probably will have forgotton ol' Eddie's theory that criminal behaviour is learned.

I hate exam revision.

I hate Sociology of Crime. It is the most boring subject known to man.

Better get back to it ... This crap aint gonna just jump into my brain. UGH!

One post about this issue ...

Then I'll put it in a bubble, blow it away and shut the hell up about it ...

I can't get over thinking that my feelings, my needs, are less important than the dogs.

A dog - well, two dogs, actually - are more important than me. Do you have any idea how shitty that makes me feel? Any idea how insignificant and unimportant it makes me feel?

When the dogs came in, on Wednesday night, for the third time in five days, I cried.

I cried because I already felt like utter shit, and bringing them in, as you well know, always makes me feel worse.

I know you think that the allergy is "all in my head", but guess what? I have a reaction to dogs when tested. It is real. I can't help it. I don't like having an allergy to dogs. And I don't want one. But I do. I deal with it.

And I know you think that it's not a big deal. I know you think you can have the dogs in, and not vacuum and I won't be able to tell the difference. But guess what?

I can tell. I can always tell. When I get home, and 10 minutes later my eyes are itchy, or my head is killing me, or my nose is all stuffed up, I can tell. But I don't say anything. What's the point? You think it's all in my head, so what is the point in saying a damn thing?

I'm tired of feeling like the dogs matter more than me. I am a person, damn it. I'm a human being, and I deserve some consideration and respect. I am important, and I matter. My feelings, my pain - they matter.

And yet, to you, I'm not as important as the dogs. I don't matter as much as they do. Do you have any idea how that makes me feel?

You get migranes. How would you feel if I deliberately did something that made you worse when you had one? If I knew exactly what it would do, and I still went ahead and did it anyway?

You would feel like shit. Like your feelings don't matter.

Like I feel right now.

Nightminds - Missy Higgins

Just lay it all down.

Put your face into my neck and let it fall out.
I know
I know
I know.
I knew before you got home.
This world you're in now,
It doesn't have to be alone,
I'll get there somehow, 'cos
I know I know I know
When, even springtime feels cold.

But I will learn to breathe this ugliness you see,
So we can both be there and we can both share the dark.
And in our honesty, together we will rise,
Out of our nightminds, and into the light
At the end of the fight...

You were blessed by a different kind of inner view: it's all magnified.
The highs would make you fly, and the lows make you want to die.
And I was once there, hanging from that very ledge where you are standing.
So I know
I know
I know,
It's easier to let go.

But I will learn to breathe this ugliness you see,
So we can both be there and we can both share the dark.
And in our honesty, together we will rise out of our nightminds
And into the light at the end of the fight.

...and in our honesty, together we will rise out of our nightminds
And into the light... at the end of the fight...

Invisible.

Sometimes I feel so fucking invisible.

Like I could just disappear, and no one would notice. No one would even batt an eye.

 

I want to be somewhere, anywhere but here, because I am so, so desperately unhappy.

 

I feel like shouting, screaming, hitting my arms against a wall ... Anything to make noise, make me feel like I am alive, because at the moment, I feel so disconnected, so numb.

 

I feel like I don't matter in the slightest, I'm not even worth considering or thinking about. Like my sadness doesn't mean a fucking thing, like my pain is insignificant ... Like I am insignificant.

 

I am crying out for help, I want someone to hear me ... But no one is listening.

 

I don't know how much longer I can hold on.

TMI ... But IDC

Ok, so this entry can probably be filed under "Too much information", but, quite frankly, I don't care.
Last year, I went to the doctor because I was tired all the time. Like, exhausted. Constantly. A blood test showed that my iron levels are waaay down. I went back a couple of months ago, and my iron levels had only gone up 1 point, even though I'd been taking iron tablets (when I remembered) and eating steak all the time. Seriously, I was having steak like 6 - 8 times a week (and also? Steak is expensive, yo. It was costing me a friggin fortune).
So, I figured it might be time to go back on birth control, and skip a few periods.
*TMI #1* I have really heavy, usually pretty painful periods, so I figured no wonder I'm never getting ahead if I'm loosing a lot of blood every month. So, I went to my doctor and got a prescription for the Nuva Ring. Can I just say how much I love the Nuva Ring? You put it in, swap it three weeks later, and that's it. So simple. And great for someone like me who can't remember to take the pill everyday (and the pill makes me nauseous). I'm also not interested in any type of injection and/or arm implant because the thought freaks me out. Now I'm thinking about something being implanted in my arm ... Ew. Gross. I can't handle that thought, I don't know why. Freaky.
So. Moving on.
My plan was to go back on/start using the Nuva Ring again, skip my period for a few months (i.e., have no break between rings and go straight from one to the next). I changed my ring about 2 weeks ago, following the plan - going straight from one to the other. Everything was fine until a few (maybe 4 or 5?) days ago, when I got some spotting.

*TMI #2*

-- Don't read any further if blood freaks you out, it gets pretty gross.

So, yes. I got some spotting. Ok, pretty normal, I thought. Then, a couple of days later, it turned into a full period. Heavy, cramping, the lot. It was inconvienient, and I couldn't figure out why I was getting my period, but oh well.

Then, this morning ... About 3 a.m., I woke up with the worst cramps I've ever had. I was on my bed, on all fours, rocking back and forth, crying in pain for about 4 hours.

They were like contractions - or what I'd imagine contractions to be, since I've never had a baby. Intense, shocking pain for a few minutes at a time, followed by maybe five minutes where things settled down, then back to baaad, baaad, baaad pain again.

Finally, at about 7 a.m., I realised why the reason for the pain.

*TMI #3* This is going to be really gross. And it's definitely too much information, but I don't care. Someone might be able to help me, so I'm writing the truth.

At 7, I went to the toilet ... And passed a blood clot the size and thickness of my iPod touch. It was massive, and so disgusting.

The pain subsided a bit after that, but every few minutes or so, I was passing a clot. The first one was the biggest, but the rest were still fairly sizeable.

Quite frankly, it scared the crap out of me.

I ended up taking some aspalgin (asprin and coedeine), which took the pain from an 9 to a 8, so it didn't do heaps, but anything was appreciated.

I got home from work a few minutes early and went straight to bed. I ended up sleeping til 7, which of course means that I'll be awake until about 2 am since I've had a nap.

So, my thinking is that tomorrow, I should probably ring and make a doctors appointment.

I have had this (really, extremely bad cramping and bleeding) happen once before, also just after I started the Nuva Ring for the first time. I don't know whether it is the NR, and my body is adjusting to it, or whether it's something totally unrelated. Has anyone had any experience with the NR? Usually it works great for me, but if it's the cause of this pain, I'll stop using it immediately. I can't live in pain like this. It's unlike anything I've ever experienced before, and it makes me want to scream and cry because it just hurts so bad. Maybe I need to look into other options?

Anyway, sorry for the TMI post. I just needed to get everything out! The pain is still here tonight, but it's down to about a 7, which seems wonderful compared to today. I might go find some painkillers and see if I can get some sleep.

I'm out :-)

Awesome. Dogs are inside, and I already have a headache. Really, really awesome.

Some facebook pages are just awesome ...

"Today, I decided that I want to be a ninja when I grow up. I googled 'ninja school' to see where I can be professionally trained in the art. I followed a link that said Ninja School, and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School."

I'd rather laugh - Linda Richman

Notes from the book "I'd rather laugh" by Linda Richman. I read it a couple of years ago, and going through some old papers today, I found some notes that I took from it. I thought I'd share them here:

"No matter how sad you are today, happiness and laughter are always possibilities for tomorrow."

"Everything important is in your control."

"What does your heart tell you to do?"

"You will always be able to find something to smile about."

"Make time for fun."

"That's what fun is - relief from the pain or boredom of everyday life - if you can have just a little fun today, it's a sign that the future will hold even more fun for you. Fun isn't just fun - it's hope."

"Laugh, sing, dance, do anything to get outside yourself. The pain and suffering are inside, and there you are too, trapped with them. The minute you get outside yourself, you begin to escape the sadness. If you can shoo away the negative and hang onto the positive for five minutes today, maybe you'll do it for half an hour next month."

"You've got to get control over how you respond to life."

My head is pounding tonight. Seriously, just pounding so, so bad. And I just want it to stop. Please. Just for a little while. Just stop.

Roxy the wonder puppy is outside with the boys. I think she'll be fine, she seems to be recovering well from the operation on her tongue. Also, I can't have her inside anymore, she's pretty much the reason why me head is pounding.

That, and my housemate also had the other two dogs inside this afternoon, and didn't vacuume when she put them out.

I get frustrated sometimes. I know she thinks a lot of my allergies are in my head, she feels like she can have the dogs in and I won't be able to tell, but I can tell. I can always tell when the dogs have been in.

I just don't say anything. It doesn't seem worth it.

The last couple of days, I have been much better. I was bad, bad, bad at the start of the week with my allergies. I went through three full boxes of tissues in as many days, I had a rash all over my arms, my eyes were constantly red and watery, and my head was both stuffed up and pounding so very badly.

But then I rang my specialist, and I'm back on steroids and using my inhaler again, but the thing is, I still have an allergy. I'm about 80% better than at this time 5 days ago, but I still have an allergy to dogs. I'm still going to get a headache, my rash will still appear, I will still spend a lot of time sneezing and blowing my nose.

And when my housemate lets the dogs in, then doesn't do anything to reduce the after-effects (e.g. by vacuuming or wiping over surfaces) ... It makes me feel like the dogs are more important to me. Like it's ok that I feel crap when the dogs are in ... That's fine, as long as the dogs are happy. It's all in my head, so why should it matter if the dogs come in, right?

Wrong. I am a human being. Dogs are important to me, I love Roxy more than anyone knows, but humans should come first. I should come first. My health should matter. The effects are not all in my head. You can see me sneezing so hard and so often that I sometimes can't catch my breath. You can see the rash I get, thanks to the dogs. Shouldn't those things mean something? Anything?

Ok, I have to go to bed. Because if I stay up any longer with this headache, I will start crying. Hopefully tomorrow I will feel better.

I'm out.

Money = Stress!

Yes, once again I'm stressed about money. Money, money, money.

It's probably impolite to talk about it on such a public place, but I don't care. This blog is where I write out my worries, and currently money is my biggest worry.

Roxy the wonder puppy had the lump cut off/out of her tongue last night ... $300 later, I got to pick her up this morning.

Thankfully, she seems to be doing ok tonight. She's been very quiet (as in movement wise - noise wise she's been whining all day!) and clingy all day, so hopefully tomorrow she is feeling much better.

Meanwhile, I spent $100 at the chemist on my allergy medication, which I need because the dog is inside, and I'm allergic to the dog, so I feel like shit. So, thanks to the dog, half my pay is now gone. Gone. And I've still got rent, food, dog food, my car loan, an insurance payment, a gym payment and petrol to pay for. UGH.

It'll be ok. I know it'll be ok. I'll make it work somehow. I'm just so stressed.

Ok, better go check on Roxy the wonder puppy. She's in the sunroom at the moment while I dust and vacuume to try and get this allergy headache down a bit.

I'm out :-)

Don't change ... Don't ever change.

Feelin' crappy, but I go back to work tomorrow.

I love that this blog has new life: That I again have somewhere to come, and write what I think. What I really feel.

I haven't heard about the rental property around the corner. Still waiting ...

Do you know what pisses me off?

Well, not pisses me off, but annoys me?

For months, actually longer than months, I've been telling my housemate that whenever she goes to Melbourne, she could drive instead of taking the train.

On Friday, she finally did it. Why? Because this new guy that she's seeing said that she could do it, said she should try.

I don't like it when girls change for guys.

It makes me feel like I'm nothing, like my opinion doesn't matter, that she ignores me the whole time I'm telliing her she could do it, then just because some guy, who barely even knows her, said she could, she does it?? What the hell?

Ok, well ... That's all for today.

So friggin' tired.

I've had weeks to do this assignment, and I left it to the very last minute. It's due today, in about 15 hours time.

I'm so tired I can hardly think, but I need to get it finished. If I don't get it finished before I go to bed, I won't get it done.

Lesson learned the hard way. I won't do this again.

So, so tired.

500 words to go.

Finally ...

... I've uploaded some photos from both Queensland trips - my 10 day visit in February, and my recent 5 day trip to meet baby Charley and see my sister and the kids.

These are only a few of the photos I took ... I think I took maybe 300 - 400 photos all up?

There might be some more photos coming :-)

Queensland - February 2011 Photos (2)

Queensland - February 2011 Photos (1)

Queensland - April 2011 Photos (2)

Queensland - April 2011 Photos (1)

So, so tired. But I can't sleep.

I've been having nightmares. Nightmares where I walk outside and see my beautiful Roxy-dog ... Hurt. Hurt badly.

I hate that the bastard from next door has not only gotten to me, but has scared me so badly that I am dreaming about it.

Twice last night I woke up crying. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this.

I have to write.

I have to write, because if I don't write, I will cry.

I suddenly feel so stressed, so indescribably tense, and I don't know how to deal with this.

I went to have a look at a rental property around the corner this afternoon.

I liked it. It's small, but I don't need anything big. It's nice and neat inside and outside.

I took my housemate, and a friend. They both liked it.

A couple of things stressed me out.

The landlord seemed nice, but I'm terrified about what will happen with Roxy the wonder puppy. They have just done up the gardens. Roxy isn't really a digger, but what happens if she gets into the gardens and wrecks something? She is still a puppy. She's going to wreck stuff.

It's probably a bad sign if I'm stressed out and terrified about what might happen before I even move in, right?

Really unhappy tonight :-(

Ahh, money.

I've never really stressed about money. If I can afford something, great. If not, oh well. I've always managed to find the money to pay my bills. If something breaks, then I replace it when I can. Otherwise I just do without.

I went to Queensland for five days without really thinking about the financial side of things. I figured I'd just make it work. And I did. I don't regret it, I had such a great time.

But since I've returned home (ok, well, since two days ago!) money has been on my mind a lot. I didn't spend a lot of money in Queensland or anything, but I just realised how much money I have to pay out in the next month/couple of months ...

Uni fees and textbooks - both due in the next fortnight.

Next week, Roxy the wonder puppy has to have surgery to have two granulomas (spelling?) removed from her tongue, which is going to COST me.

Moving expenses ... Not only do I need to save for a bond, and most likely a pet bond if I go through an agency, but I also need to pay the first few weeks rent upfront, as well as saving up money for a removalist. There's also some stuff that I'll need to buy (couch, dinner table and chairs, tv cabinet/entertainment unit).

In other words ... UGH. Big, giant UGH.

I'm not really stressed too much about it. I'm just wondering how I'm going to make all the numbers fit, because at the moment, it seems just impossible! I know it'll all work out somehow, I think things are going to be so, so tight for a while, though.

I really don't know what the point of this entry is/was ... I think I just needed to get this out. Writing has really been helping me lately. I feel better now :-)

Baby Charley

More photos to come ...

Home, sweet home.

I made it home safely.

I am exhausted - so tired I am having trouble thinking.

It may have only been 5 days, but it was exactly what I needed.

Tomorrow, it's back to work, back to reality.

I think it might be time for bed. Real update with photos soon :-)

Going to Movie World tomorrow.

I didn't even know that I wanted to go to Movie World until Tan and Gary suggested it.

Now, I'm so excited.

Really sad tonight ...

Molly

My sisters dog just started barking.

Immediately, my chest felt so tight, and I felt sick to my stomache.

This dog barking thing is stressing me out so bad.

My shadow is back ...

I have a little shadow following me around.

Everywhere I go, everywhere I turn ... Is my little niece, Gracie. She's gorgeous.

I love Queensland :-)

All the wrong in the world disappears ...

... When you have a tiny baby, curled up on your chest.

There's no feeling like it. Everything else fades away.

My beautiful baby nephew Kaleb was the distraction I needed today.

7:29

Writing helps.

I've missed this - getting out everything I'm thinking, working out how I'm really feeling.

I let the dogs out from under the house at 7. Jers and Rox just started barking at a hot air balloon. I bolted out there to try to quiet them.

You shouldn't feel terrified when a dog barks. You shouldn't be scared that some fuckwit that lives behind you will complain, or hurt them. I hate how stressed this is making me. I am trying to stop the barking. But for gods sake, they are dogs! I know it's frustrating and annoying when they bark, but it's not the end of the world.

Hang on, Jersey is barking again. Brb.


So, today I am going to Melbourne. Staying with my sister tonight, my brother tomorrow night, then going to Qld on Thursday morning.

I can't wait. I so desperately need a break.

It will be nice not to cry every single day because I'm so unhappy.

Hopefully this mini-holiday will be just what I need.

Might blog while I'm away, otherwise I'll write when I get back. I better get going, I want to walk the dogs before I go, then get myself organised and head off.

ANZAC Day

They shall not grow old, as we that are left grow old
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun, and in the morning
We will remember them.

Lest we forget.

So, the neighbours complained about the dog again.

Apparently not last night but the night before, my dog barked "all night".

It's the same neighbours who complained about her barking during the day.

I personally find it hard to believe that she barked all night. None of our dogs bark at night. If they do, it's rarely for more than a minute at a time.

However, neither my housemate or I were home, so I guess it's possible.

So, where to now?

I guess I'll try something else. The stop-barking collar doesn't seem to be working, so I'll try plan B.

If that doesn't work then I'll try something else.

What really upsets me is that the neighbour came up here yesterday and yelled at my housemate. He said that if the dog doesn't stop barking, then "he'll take care of it". What kind of 50 year old man threatens a 27 year old girl and a dog? He's a fucking coward, obviously. So help me god, if he goes for my dog then he will regret it. I will bring the police in if he even so much frowns at her - or at us.

So, after being in tears for almost two hours last night, (no, I'm not kidding, I was almost hysterical - I just could not stop crying. I was gasping for air at some points, but I couldn't calm myself down) I made a decision. I'm not living like this.

I refuse to do this anymore.

I will not live like this - so, so desperately unhappy that I am crying every single day, and crying myself to sleep most nights.

What kind of life is that?

So, I am going to my my housemate a letter. Before I go away tomorrow, I will leave it on the bench, for her to read and think about while I'm away.

I can't live like this any more.

I refuse to feel like I don't belong here any longer. This is my home. I know I don't own the house, I don't pay the mortgage ... But I do pay rent. I do live here. It is my home. I don't want to dread coming home after work. Yesterday, after work, I got home and went straight into my room because I started crying on the drive home.

I am not great at talking. I don't like talking to someone if I think I'm going to upset them. So I think that writing is the best way. This way, I can say exactly what I think, and feel, and take my time and think about it first.

Ok, so I have a plan. It's going to be ok. It's going to be ok.

Great start to the day ... It's not even 9 a.m. and I'm crying.

Just got home from Kerang, where I've been for the last couple of days.

The stuff that I left in the bathroom, and in the lounge ... Just little bits and pieces ... Has all been put in my room.

I know my housemate is probably only trying to clean up, but it makes me feel like I don't belong here.

This isn't my house, so I can't have my stuff out.

Like I'm not wanted, neither is my stuff.

It hurts so much more, because my housemates stuff is still all over the kitchen table.

I know this is her house. I know she wants me to move out. But it hurts to know that I'm not wanted, to know that I don't belong here anymore.

I wish I could stop crying. I have to be at work in an hour.

Miss you, Bucks.

Tomorrow is Good Friday.

Two years ago, on Good Friday, this happened.

RIP Buckley. I still miss you, buddy.

I think I need to write some stuff out, get it out of my head ... I feel like here is the only place that I can come, be honest, and just say whatever I'm thinking ... Go the blog :-) ...

I feel anxious all the time.

This is my home, but it doesn't feel like it any more. I feel like I'm not wanted, like I don't belong.

Like this is just somewhere that I'm staying, like the sooner I'm gone the better.

I know that's probably silly, I know that my housemate probably doesn't mean to make me feel like that, probably doesn't even realise that's how I feel ... But that is the way that I feel. I can't help it.

I feel so anxious, all the time. I feel sick in my tummy. Even when I'm at work, and I think about home, my tummy starts churning, and I feel like throwing up.

Every time I leave something on the bench or the kitchen table, my housemate puts it straight in my room. It makes me feel like this isn't my home, I can't leave my stuff around.

I know this isn't my house. I don't own it. My housemate does. But, until a few weeks ago, it was my home.

Now it doesn't even feel like my home.

Tonight, I can't stop crying.

I feel so, so desperately unhappy.

A couple of weeks ago, my housemate told me that she wants to live alone next year.

I was fine with that, I'm wanting to live on my own again anyway.

But still. I feel like I don't belong here anymore. Like I'm not wanted in my own home.

Today, the neighbour made a complaint about my dog.

She's a dog. She barks.

She barks during the day, not at night.

My neightbour had a "headache" and the barking bothered her.

What the fuck am I meant to do about it?

If my dog was barking at night, I would do something about it.

But she's a dog. She barks. It's what they do.

SHE IS A DOG. SHE'S GOING TO BARK.

She has to realise that there are noises during the day. I can't keep the dogs quiet.

I just feel like everyone's is against me tonight. And I know that's stupid, but I can't help it. I can't help the tears. The tears that won't stop coming.

So, it has been almost 4 months since we said goodbye.

Tonight, I am watching our boys play Richmond. We are winning, of course.

All I can think is ...

If only you were still here, you'd be there to watch the game live ...

If only.

If only you were still here, you'd be cheering the loudest, making the most noise for the black and white ...

If only.

If only you were still here, you'd be in all your Collingwood gear, just like I am tonight ...

If only.

Life has moved on. So much has changed since we lost you.

If only you were still here, you could meet your new grand-nephew. I know you'd be the first one there for a cuddle.

If only.

If only you were still here, you could get to know the sisters better. I'm going to Queensland again at the end of the month, you know.

If only.

If only you were still here ...

If only.

One week and three days until I go on holidays.

I can't freaking wait.

There's so much sadness and stress around ... The devestating floods and the damage that has been done to my hometown ... Still struggling with the loss of Aunty E ... Work has been difficult lately .... That I just can't wait to get away for a bit.

I know escaping from reality and taking off for QLD probably isn't the best way to deal with things ... But I don't care! I need a break, and I think that it'll be awesome ....

One week and three days .... Woo hoo!

Please ...

Please pray for those currently affected by the Victorian flood crisis.

My home town will be one of the hardest hit.

My mum and dad are waiting patiently to see whether they need to evacuate and whether their house will be safe.

Even if they don't evacuate, the town will be cut off for at least 3 days.

Please pray for all those people affected. So many people have lost everything they own. It's going to take a lot to come back from all this damage.

16 Sleeps.

I feel like the last few months have changed me.

I've always known that you only get one shot at life. Now I really get it.

I now refuse to get upset over the small shit.

I'm now doing what I want. Why shouldn't I do what makes me happy?

In 16 sleeps, I'm going on my first real holiday in almost 10 years! I've had time off work - "holidays" - but I never go further than Melbourne to visit my sister and brother.

So I'm going to Queensland.

The travel agency I organised the trip through stuffed up pretty much everything. I got stressed .... Then I realised that there's no point to getting upset. Bottom line is, I'm on a flight to Brisbane, and a flight home to Melbourne ... Everything else I can deal with.

Today, I purchased a Kobo. I've wanted on for a while, especially now that I'm going on holidays. I read a lot. I had like, eight books that I wanted to take with me to Queensland. But I know I probably can't take them all ... I only get 23kg of checked luggage! Also, I wasn't going to get one because I just didn't want to spend so much money on an ereader. Today I decided why the hell shouldn't I get one? I'll use it - I've already got several ebooks on my computer. I work my arse off not only so I can pay bills, but so I can buy myself little treats. So what if it means I can't put as much in my savings this fortnight?

Thank you, Aunty E ... For showing me what life is really about. You never let the little stuff get to you. You were always laughing and smiling. You went on holidays, you went out and really lived life. Even towards the end, you were still smiling, still full of love and fun. I know I shouldn't try to be like anyone else, I should always be an individual ... But I want to be more like you. And guess what? I'm already planning my next holiday. Miss you so much, learning to live without you in my life sucks ... But I'm doing ok.

It's been 20 days since you left us.

It feels like a lifetime since we had to say goodbye.

It feels like we just lost you yesterday.

It hurts me so much knowing that we have a lifetime ahead without you.

I miss you.

I miss you ... So very, very much.

Grief. Sucks.

So, today was a better day. Sort of.

Someone at work today asked me if I was having a better day than yesterday. If I was in a "better mood".

I'm not normally a snappy sort of person, but I felt like snapping at them. What do you people want from me??

It's been one week and one day since I lost my favourite aunt.

Aren't I allowed to have a bad day?

Am I not allowed to be a little sad, a little quiet?

I think that because we all had time off for Christmas, everyone expects things to be back to normal. Because we all had a couple of days off, I'm meant to be back to normal?

Everyone at work keeps telling me what a great Christmas they had. How the kids had fun, or how it was great to spend the day with family, or how they ate too much and had an awesome time relaxing ... Unlike everyone else, my Christmas Day was very quiet. Mine involved tears, so many tears. It involved waiting for the phone call that never came - the phone call from Aunty E that we got every single year ... And more tears when I realised that that call really wasn't coming this year.

Grief sucks. And it's hard.

Bad day.

Today.

Today was a bad day.

This morning, my housemate, who was unusually quiet last night and this morning, finally told me why she was so quiet.

She is a nurse, and Christmas night she worked night shift. She went to help a young girl, who had cancer.

Something went wrong, something went so wrong and the girl died. My housemate and the other nurses and doctors on duty that night fought desperately to save her, but nothing could be done.

It was no ones fault, but cancer had done so much damage to her body that she couldn't be saved.

She was 23.

23.

Fucking cancer.

I hate fucking cancer.

Today is a bad day.

Ups. And downs.

It's true what they say, you know. The grief, it comes in waves.

You think you're doing okay, then something comes up behind you, knocks you off your feet and takes your breath away.

Nighttimes are the worst. In bed, in the dark ... It's just me and my thoughts. The reality hits me every night ... That she's gone.

That the girls have lost their mother.

That I'm never going to hear her voice again.

That we'll never see her beautiful, big smile again.

That all we have now are memories and photos.

...

The grief, it comes in waves.

Tonight, I've been knocked off my feet again.

I miss you, Aunty E. So much.

Today was Aunty E's funeral.

It was heartbreaking ... And beautiful.

It was so very sad .... And amazing.

I think today was the day that it finally hit me. Aunty E, who was always, always smiling, is gone. Aunty E, who was always laughing at something. Aunty E, who was always chatting away about Collingwood and "her" Pies, is gone. Aunty E, my gorgeous, beautiful, wonderful, smiling, happy, Aunty E ... is gone.

Gone. Forever.

At the end of the service, we released black and white balloons for the worlds biggest Collingwood fan. She would have loved it. It made me smile, because it was just so her.

Tonight, the tears are still coming.

Aunty E ... I will love you and miss you, always. You were such an amazing person, and I was blessed to be able to call you my aunty for 27 years. You showed me how to laugh, and how to really live life. You always had a smile on your face and a hug for anyone. Thank you for being you.

You're dancing with the angels now ...

Aunty E passed away at 6 a.m. this morning.

No more pain. No more cancer.

I love you. I miss you.

Wandering Star

Please could you stay awhile to share my grief

For it's such a lovely day

To have to feel this way

Tonight, I can't sleep.

Today, I had a sad day. I spent the day hiding in my room.

Part of me is scared to close my eyes, because I know what's coming. I know it's irrational, but I feel like staying awake will keep away the inevitable. That's stupid, right? I know. There's no way to stop what's going to happen. There's no way to change what will happen - soon.

I've had a few days off work. Tomorrow, I go back. Sundays aren't usually too bad. But I'm dreading it because it's getting harder and harder to put a smile on my face and pretend that everything's okay.

I don't really know what the point of this entry was. Just getting some stuff off my chest, I guess. Maybe I'll try to get some sleep now.

Time is short.

Soon we will say goodbye.

I am sad.

New template ... Don't know if it will last ... Don't know if I like it.

I feel ... Like I'm constantly on edge. The phone rang at 10 o'clock last night, and I freaked out. Who was ringing? What did they want? Was it ... Is Aunty E ... Turns out it was just a friend, wanting to ask a question.

But every time the phone rings, it's the first place my mind goes ...

I'm all out of sorts at the moment. I think I need a hug. Merry friggin Christmas indeed.

Rest in peace, Mikayla.

How much worse is it going to get?

How much longer do you have to suffer for?

I know you're not really there anymore, but knowing that you're still in pain, that there's only so much we can do ... It's cruel. And unfair.

The waiting is the worst ...

12 Strays of Christmas

On their website, the Herald Sun is currently doing "The 12 Strays of Christmas" - a feature showing 12 dogs who need new homes.

If you live in Melbourne/Victoria and are looking for a new dog, why not consider a pound puppy? Most dogs dumped at the pound aren't dumped because there is something wrong with them ... It's usually their owner who is at fault.

Please, please check out the 12 Strays of Christmas or your local pound if you're considering a puppy/dog as a Christmas present to yourself or someone else. And remember, a pet is for life. It's a big responsibility, but man, you get so much love back!

Ahh, Christmas.

Ahh, Christmas. The most wonderful time of the year.

I'm a big fan of Christmas. It makes people happy. For one day, families don't fight. Everyone gets along.

This year I'm pretty much organised with my Christmas shopping. I've just wrapped my brothers present ... His girlfriends present ... A present for my little monkey (my nephew who's going to enter the world in March 2011) ... I've got on layby presents for both my nieces and my older nephew ... For my sister I've layby-ed a nice diamond ring which is half birthday present/half Chrissie present ... And today I went and put $200 on a touch screen computer which will be mum and dad's present. Dad is going to pay the rest, that's his present to mum. And that means I'm pretty much all done! All I have to do is get something for my housemate, and my Chrissie shopping will be done! Yay!

The not-smoking thing is going ok. Kind of. I'd still kneecap an old lady for one. But it's getting a little easier. I don't know whether the headaches that I've been getting this week are from nicotine withdrawl, but holy hell have I had some headaches. Hopefully this too will pass, and soon.

Anyway, my head really, really hurts so I think I'm actually going to have a really early night and go to bed. Party animal? Why yes, I am. Ha ha.

Would kneecap somebodies grandmother for a cigarette. Seriously.

Must. Not. Cave.

So damn sick of rain ...

Random Thoughts

Ohh ... Cramps :-( Bugger.

The dogs are exceptionally badly behaved tonight. Does that sentence even make sense? Probably not. Let me try again. The dogs are being feral little buggers tonight. Better? Yeah, I thought so too.

It's funny how your world can feel like it's falling apart, with bad, bad things happening, but you still put on a happy face and go out and pretend like all is right ...

Touch screen computers are cool. I went looking at them yesterday for my dad who wants to buy mum one for Christmas. Now I want one.

The weather is crappy. Hot and muggy. Why does everyone always talk about the weather?

That's all I've got tonight. I'm deliberately trying not to think ...

Ha!

Overheard at VicRoads

VicRoads employee: well, Darren, I'm sorry to tell you that you didn't quite make it today. You didn't pass.
Darren: why not?
VR E: well, you went straight through the stop sign. You didn't stop, and that's an automatic fail.
D: where was the stop sign?
VR E: just at the corner up here.
Darren shakes his head, confused.
VR E: (with a voice so high she could be Minnie Mouse) YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE THE STOP SIGN?

Personally, I for one am glad that Darren's not yet out on the road, unsupervised. That makes me feel much safer.

No words tonight.

Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry

Here's to goodbye

Tomorrow's gonna come too soon.

...

Not long now.

Title-less, again. Oh no, there's one.

Tonight ...

Exhausted. Went to water aerobics ...

Feeling guilty ... For wishing that things were different, for wishing it was over already, knowing that I'm wishing days away that I'll never get back ...

Ready for summer ...

When you die, only your friends and family will know.

They won't write it in the newspaper. You never did anything amazing or special.

When you die, the world will keep turning.

The sun will set, the moon will still light up at night.

When you die, there will be no more pain.

Those who love you won't have to watch any longer as life, love and laughter fade from your eyes, bit by bit

When you die, I will miss you more than words can say.

The truth is, I am already missing you. Because although your body is still here with us, although you continue to fight, you have already left us.

When you die, my heart will be broken.

When you die, how am I going to manage?


I love you, Aunty E. Please don't leave me. Please don't leave us.

Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know that they are happy.

-Eskimo Probverb

Race 7, Number 7 ...

Ahh, the weather. Whatchya gonna do with it?

A couple of days ago it was stinking hot ... And now, in the last 24 hours, we've had over 50mm (2 freaking inches!!) of rain ... And it's still going.

Went out tonight, it was awesome fun.

I know I have more to write, but I can't think of it for the life of me :-) So I think it might be time to have a shower and head to bed ... Oh, I have such a glamourous life ...

Smurf-tastic!

Brought Smurf pyjama pants today.

Awesome day.

Need I say more?

Snapshots from work today:

T: I think I'm running a fever.
M: yeah? Where are you running it to?
T: the nearest pub. See you suckers later.

Sometimes all I do at work is laugh all day. Today was one of those days.

I need good thoughts tonight, people. Please.

So, I had every intention of a nice long update tonight, to be written after a nice cool shower.

It's so hot here.

Anyway, it's not going to happen. Roxy the wonder puppy is not well, so we're off to the vets now. I need good thoughts that it's just something simple, please. My poor puppy is not herself, very unsteady on her feet and just generally feeling crappy. Please god, let it be something simple.

Edit: the vet thinks doggy gastro. Whatever it was, she is much better today. Yay!

I got nothin'.

But I didn't want to miss out on a day of Na-Blo-Po-Mo (I think I finally got the name right). Even though technically I missed a lot of days since I started late.

Going to take a tablet and get some sleeeeep. Maybe I'll have something to write about tomorrow.

Goodnight :-)

499

Got 5 hours sleep last night.

WOO-friggin-HOO.

Also, I'm planning my trip to QLD. Yay! Thinking of Feb next year.

That's about all I've got.

Very ordinary for my 499th post. I'll try harder tomorrow.

Glee is on. Gotta go.

What a feeling.

So, I caved.

Didn't go to work again today (got approximately two hours sleep again last night ... Ugh) and instead went to the Primary Care Clinic. Boy, was that fun. The doctor seemed to find it funny that I was pretty much zombie-like, and kept talking about the effects of steroids. Um, hello, I am well aware of the effects of steroids ... I am taking them.

He also gave me a look, and his eyebrows raised so high that they nearly shot off his head when he took my blood pressure. It's high, apparently. Ehh. I've got bigger problems to worry about, buddy.

But he did give me some sleeping tablets, so hopefully I can take them for the next week and a bit then go back to my regularly scheduled sleeping pattern (8 hours a night, thank you very much).

I also had the freakiest moment while driving home from the doctors, which showed me that maybe I shouldn't have been driving. I pulled in to get petrol, put the car in park, turned it off ... And looked up and thought that the car was moving. It freaked me the fuck out. It felt like the car was moving, even though I knew it wasn't. I could see it creeping forward though. It was bizzare. So instead of getting petrol, I turned the car back on and drove straight home. Dude.

Anyway, I must go do something. I'm not sure what, exactly, because as soon as a thought enters my head today, it immediately turns tail and leaves so I can't remember shit. Ahh, this is just So. Much. Fun.

Always learning ...

Things i'm learning about steroids:
- they cause insomnia. In a big way. You'd think at some point that I'm going to crash because I am so fricking tired, but nope, hasn't happened yet
- I want to eat everything in sight. Think I can tick the weight gain side effect too. I've had two big servings of Tuscan meatballs and popcorn as well as two bowls of fruit salad and about 4 rows of kit kat chocolate. I must STOP EATING.
- I'm also drinking like we're going to run out of water any second. Good god, I must stop drinking too.

Going to bed to stare at the ceiling for a few hours. Then I'll probably get up and eat again. Only a week and a half left ...

I'll deny this tomorrow ...

I don't say this often ... Hardly ever in fact, but tonight ... I don't want to be sleeping alone. I just want someone to hold me.

495.

This tablets are seriously the best/worst thing to happen.
Best, because they have really helped with the hayfever.
Worst, because again last night, I couldn't frickin sleep.

So, I called in sick to work today. I was friggin exhausted. Less than three hours sleep for the third night in a row has really caught up with me.

Might have to go to the doctor to see about some sleeping tablets. I've only got another week and a half left on these tablets, but dont know if I'll make it.

I did get a couple of hours sleep over lunch today. It helped, a bit. Now I'm back to headachey and tired. Maybe I'll crash tonight and sleeeeep all night. Wouldn't that be nice.

I don't really have much of interest to say. I was doing some reading before, but concentrating is hard, man. Really hard!

Maybe I'll go watch some Glee on itunes. Yeah, I think that's what I'll do.

I'm out!

People thought I went on vacation but I really spent the summer lost in the sewers.

Man, I love Glee. Some of the funniest, wittiest and most sarcastic lines I've heard in a long time.

JUST hayfever?

So, these tablets are really knocking me around a bit ... I only slept for a couple of hours again last night. I'd stop taking them, but apparently thats a terrible idea and you should always taper off these tablets ... And ... The suckers actually seem to be working! Unbelieveable! It's not getting rid of all my symptoms, but even after only three days there has been a big improvment. With all the time and money that I've spent on freaking hayfever, and a few days of tablets is helping! So I guess insomnia is a pretty minor side effect when I think about how crappy the hayfever has been making me feel.
By the way, if one more person says to me "JUST hayfever?" or "ONLY hayfever?" you'll see me on the news, being arrested for bitch slapping that person into next year. I get that hayfever doesn't really seem that bad ... Until you have it all year round, so badly that its hard to handle every day living. Its not fun going through an entire box of tissues every day. It sucks having a throat that feels like its red raw and on fire every single moment of the day. Its awful having itchy, red eyes that make it look like I've just spent three hours crying when really all I did was just walked outside. The fuzzy head, complete tiredness and exhaustation also gets old fast.
Anyway. I might go crash on the bed. I really really hope that I get some sleep tonight.

What I wouldn't give to see your face again ...

Tonight, the silence is killing me ...

Money, Money, Money.

So, I took my car home to dad today, so he could change the oil and filters. He took one look underneath and said "there's something really wrong here". Crap. He then took it to the mechanic who said that yes, there was indeed something wrong and it needed to be fixed before I drove it all the way back home. Unfortunately, the mechanic can't fix it until next week. Double crap. So I borrowed mums car, left my little Laser behind and motored on home.
Goodbye, approximately $500. UGH.
Not a great day!

Still awake.

Might have a kit kat.

Day ... Something or other. Yeah, that day.

Started new tablets for hayfever today. Predsomethingolone? I think one of the side effects might be insomnia. Just a hunch sine it's 1:30 am and I can't sleep. Usually I don't have any problems getting to sleep unless there's something freaking me out or worrying me. Wonder if Im just swapping one problem for another??
Man, I love textbooks. I'm right back into studying at the moment. I don't know why, but man I love me some textbooks.
I had something else I was going to write, but I'm buggered if I can remember what it was.
Ok, going back to bed .... Hopefully this time I won't stare at the ceiling for two and a half hours :-)
goodnight, Internet peeps!

That blogging thing ...

So, apparently there's some No-Mo-Blo-Po-Go-Hoho (??!) thing happening that everyone's all atwitter about. I think the gist is that you blog every day for November. Clearly, I've already failed since we're half way through the month and this is only my third entry. But I figure, what the hell, might give it a go for the rest of the month.

This entry won't be a long one though. I'm friggin buggered! I've started going to water aerobics at the gym, three times a week. On Monday and Wednesday nights, I do two classes back to back, and on Fridays I do a class in the morning and then do some laps. I haven't been in a couple of weeks, so tonight reallly took it out of me! But it is heaps of fun, and it doesn't matter that you look like some kind of lunatic while you jump around like a mexican jumping bean, because everyone else is too!

Another reason I'm buggered tonight is because I didn't want to go to sleep last night. I know it's totally irrational, but for some reason last night I was terrified that my aunty was going to die. When I finally did get to sleep, I woke up three times after having the most awful nightmares. All in all, a crappy night.

Anyway, I better go get myself some dinner and hit the hay. Adios, amigos! (Did I spell that right?!)

Blast from the past ...

Anyone remember this?!

I still miss that Mazda. Not just a car!

R.I.P. Gibbsy.

Loose change ...

So, there's a lot of stuff just rumbling around in my head at the moment, so I'm going to do a totally disjointed, all over the place post to get everything out and hopefully all will be right in the world once again ...

My aunty (the one with cancer) ... We found out a few days ago that the cancer has spread. It's now in her spine and her bones. The doctors have given her 8 weeks, if she's lucky. How is it fair that someone's life expectency can be measured in weeks? Weeks. It just seems so unreal to me. And how can it be Aunty E?? She's always been so full of life and laughter. It is just ... unbelievable. I won't be able to ring her when the Pies have a great win. I just ... I can't comprehend that she's really not going to win this. She can't beat this. How is that right??

So, work has been fun lately. *lol* ... Well, not really. I missed a meeting a few weeks ago because I had to take my puppy to the vet, and one of the guys got really pissed off and started treating me like I didn't even exist. Seriously, I was talking to him and he wasn't even acknowledging me. After a couple of weeks of this, I ended up going to the big boss, which was a huge step for me. I'm the most non-confrontational person on the planet, and I will avoid upsetting people at all costs, even if it means letting them walk all over me. But I'm glad I did it. It's shown me that I don't have to put up with being treated like crap. And it's made things a little awkward for a while, but i think things are finally settling down. I like being at work again. It's fun.

My dad had his 60th birthday last month. It was a big party, and although it was a disaster-a-day leading up to it (think I'm kiddiing? My uncle had a stroke. My brothers housemate died the day before the party. My sisters kid ended up in hospital. The day before we got a months rain in one day. Need I go on? Coz I've got more!), the actual party was awesome. I wrote a few months ago about my dad getting back into contact with his other two daughters after almost 30 years. I have two sisters that I'd never met. Well, now I only have one sister that I've never met. One managed to make it down (from QLD) for dad's party. It was amazing to meet her, and her two beautiful kids. She's such a great person. Since she's gone home, we've been keeping in contact by writing letters. She's eager for me to go up there for a holiday, which I can't wait to do! Especially since my other sister (the one that I still haven't met) also lives right near the sister that I have met. I'm so happy that it's all turned out so well.

Uni starts back in a couple of weeks. ARGH! *lol* I'm also doing some course thing through work, and that also starts in a couple of weeks. I don't know how I'm going to go trying to find the time to get everything done. Especially since I'm working more and more hours. Sometimes I feel like I'm never going to finish uni, like I'm never going to get to where I want to go. And what scares the crap out of me is the fact that maybe one day I'll get so used to the idea of not getting where I want to that I'll just settle. I don't want to settle, but I feel like it's taking so long that is it really all going to be worth it? ... Hmm. I don't know. Maybe I'm just looking for an easy way out. Maybe I'm just thinking too much :-)

I'm watching Offspring at the moment. This show really makes me laugh.

What else is on my mind ....

Well, there's not much else on my mind, to be honest. *lol*

Might be time to go do some brooking of myself, and then some sleeeeping :-)

Tonight, I am sad.
One of my aunties, a beautiful woman with two daughters and two very young grandchildren, is dying.
Today she was told she has inoperable lung cancer, which has spread through her body.
All she has is time. And not much of it.

Tonight, I am sad.

Memories. And a whole heap of other stuff.

NRL is actually on LIVE tonight. Live into Victoria. Go, channel 9. Too bad it's such a rare occurrence. Australia v. New Zealand. Good game so far.
Reminds me of a few years ago though, when I had taped a test match since it was on at some ridiculous time like 1a.m. This was back when old housematey and I were living together, and we only had the one t.v. She was not a NRL fan, but occassionally she would watch a NRL game that I had taped. She got used to seeing the players names on the back of their jerseys. In test matches though, usually the sponsors name is on the back.
So we're sitting there watching this game, and housematey notes that two of the Australian players have the name Phillips on the back.
"Oh, are they brothers?" she says to me. I start to say no, but she notices another few players with Phillips on the back of their jerseys. "What the hell? How many Phillips brothers are there? What is with the Australian team??!" and "Ok, you can't tell me they're all brothers! Who made a mistake with their jumpers??"
Meanwhile, I'm laughing so hard I can't talk, because she was really confused. Eventually I managed to tell her what was going on ...

* * * * *
Speaking of NRL, the whole Melbourne Storm, salary cap, cheating scandal issue ... Wow.

I am, as a Victorian, a Melbourne Storm supporter. Like most, I was shocked and stunned as it was all made public. I don't know whether other clubs are doing the same thing, and part of me is disappointed that the reputation of this terrific team has now been destroyed, to some extent. As a fan, I hurt for the players who worked their arses off to earn the 2007 and 2009 premierships, which have now been taken from them. Maybe that punishment was fair and just, I'm still not sure. I don't think taking away their ability to earn points for the rest of the 2010 season is fair or just though. I understand that some people think that because they're currently over the salary cap, they're fielding an illegal team, and yes, that is an excellent point. But honestly, I think the NRL and it's board should have given the Melbourne Storm a chance to get themselves under the salary cap, docked the points they had earnt up until the scandal broke, given them a 4 or 6 week penalty, then allowed them back into the 2010 competition once they were under the cap. Technically, by playing each week they are still in the competition, but there's nothing in it for them. By knocking them out for the whole season, NRL seems to be doing an enormous amount of damage to Rugby in Melbourne, a city where they are eager to make Rugby a bigger sport. Why would the fans go and support their team week in and week out when the team is going nowhere? I'm sure as the season wears on and the competition means less and less, and the games become more and more meaningless, the fans won't want to keep supporting their disgraced team.
I hope, really honestly hope, that the Storm fans, the real through-thick-and-thin fans keep supporting their team week in and week out. I hope they keep showing up for games, proving to the boys that to some of us, they are still our team, who we will support, regardless of what's happened. I hope ... But I don't hold out a lot of hope. I hope I'm proved wrong.

* * * * *

In even more NRL news, I'm actually going NRL game this year. With work, uni and being 2 and a half hours from Melbourne, it's hard to get to games. Last year, State of Origin 1 was on my birthday, which was like the best birthday present ever. This year, I am going to the Storm v. Cowboys game a couple of weeks after my birthday. Exams will be over, so I won't have study/uni to worry about. I'm taking the weekend off work. I wish I lived closer to Melbourne, or that I was able to get to more games. So far, my aim to get to at least one NRL game a year is going well though :-) *lol*

* * * * *

Personally, there's not much going on with me. Work is busy ... I've been at my job for almost 2 years now, which is cool. The time has flown. It's still a great play to work (most of the time, anyway!)
Uni is going ok. I'm still struggling a bit with the glandular fever, and I don't know whether to take a semester off or keep pushing on. Sometimes I think I can handle it pretty well, other times I feel like I'm just barely holding on.

* * * * *

I recently found out that my dad has children (two) from another marriage, long before he met my mum. So I have two siblings that I've never met. When on holidays the other week, my mum and dad dropped in to see them while they were in their area. They are so pleased to be back in contact with my dad (it's been approximately 30 years since my dad has seen them), and my dad is also over the moon. My dad is having a fairly significant birthday later this year, we're thinking of throwing a big party so that my brother, sister, and I (and the rest of dad's side of the family) can meet them. I can't wait! I think it will be awesome. Also to be noted, I have 5 more nieces and nephews! How cool is that?! And my dad has 5 more grandchildren! Unreal!

* * * * *

I go back to the allergy specialist in a week ... I'm not sure what will happen. The last round of incredibly expensive immunotherapy hasn't made a huge difference ...

* * * * *

Milly the budgie (as seen on this blog previously) recently broke her leg. We think that she was attacked by a mouse who managed to get into her cage. Unfortunately, splinting it didn't work (and yes, I will put up photos of Milly with the splint on because it was So. Damn. Cute!), and blood flow was restricted to the area, meaning the only possible option we were left with was amputation. Yes, Milly had her left leg removed. The vet believed that had we not done it, infection would surely have killed her. Luckily Milly came through the operation with (wait for it .... ) "flying" colours (get it? get it?? hahaha ... ) and is now adjusting very well to life with only one leg.

* * * * *

Ok. it's 10:05 and I'm exhausted (no nap today, and I have a massive headache (thank you, glandular fever. No, really.)), so I think I might have to go to bed. Probably sometime soon I'll pop back in. By the way, this blog went private a few weeks ago thanks to an internet troll. It may have to happen again, I'm not sure. If it does, and you want to be allowed to read it, leave me a comment and I'll be sure to add you. I can't promise that I'll always have a public blog, because what happened really freaked me out ,,,

Lest We Forget

They shall not grow old, as we that are left grow old

Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.

At the going down of the sun, and in the morning

We will remember them.

Today is April 25th - ANZAC Day. A day to say thanks to all those who have served, or currently are serving, our country. It's thanks to their sacrifices that we have the freedom we too often take for granted. Thoughts today are with all those service men and women who are on duty - whether they be here or overseas. Keep safe, and know that you are doing amazing work. Thank you.

Tonight, I feel incredibly sad. I don't know why.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm all out of sorts.

It's been building for a while.

I can't even remember how many times I had to blink back tears today. Because of stupid little things.

I'm so tired, all the time. I know that glandular fever can take months to go away, and I understand that. But I'm tired of it.

I'm tired of people expecting me to be "back to normal". I'm tired of people questioning me, doubting the glandular fever.

I'm tired of having to explain why when I can't do something because I'm tired.

I'm tired of people thinking that it's just a little bit tired. I'm tired of trying to explain that my bones hurt, that my head aches like nothing I've ever felt before, and that I'm exhausted. Honest-to-god, fully exhausted.

I'm so, so tired. I've had enough.

Snappz' Handy Tips, No. 1

Listen up, kids:

If you're going to drive like a moron/idiot/arsehole, almost collecting other cars when you don't give way, ensure that you do not have personalised number plates.

It's so much easier to remember RAT than it is GXR 473, especially when you've just avoided and accident and you might be a little shaken.

Just sayin'.

P.S. RAT driver: Thanks for making it incredibly easy to report you to the Police. That's great, and very appreciated!

Yep, I'm still alive.

Remember me?

The girl who used to post here? On a sometimes regular, sometimes not basis? Remember that girl?

Yeah. I'm still kickin.

Not many posts lately. Have been having computer problems.

Fixed all my problems by going out and buying me a new laptop yesterday - uhh, Thursday, actually. It's already Saturday. Shit.

Anyway, moving on ...

Got everything I want (and more!). Can't believe the amount I spent, but got it on interest-free finance, so as long as I have it paid off in 30 months I'll only pay what I spent, which is a pretty sweet deal.

Should be in bed right now, since I have to be up for work in five and a half hours, but I can't sleep for some reason ...

Glandular fever is still knocking me around a bit, but I'm having a few good days here and there, so that's a start.

Don't really have much other news. Tomorrow after work I'm spending time registering for my degree, and finding out what courses I have left still to do. I know I've failed a couple, so I'll have to repeat them. New semester starts at the end of Feb, so I need to get myself organised.

Housemateys sister is moving in with us next month ... That will be interesting. She's 19 ... Acts like she's 14 most of the time. She's starting TAFE down here, so hopefully she'll settle down and mature a little bit. A third person to share the bills = more money for me. Or, more money paid off my computer, actually.

Anyway, I really should go. Hopefully, I'll get a good sleep in before the alarm goes off. It's funny, GF means that I want to sleep all the time, but the last few nights, even though I'm exhausted/can hardly keep my eyes open, I've been really restless and unable to sleep. Wonder if that's normal? Wonder if that means (dare I say it ...) that I'm getting better?

Ok, I'm out.

P.S. Got some spare time? Go throw some love Katie's way. With another totally unfun medical adventure today, she could probably use some comment-support :-)

Who knew there was even such a day?

Feel free to leave a comment in ... celebration? ... of Delurker Day!

Pouting/Sulking. Whatever.

Today, I'm sulking.
I'm still feeling shitty. This glandular fever thing is really knocking me around. And it's maybe making me a tad bit grumpy and ... sensitive. Possibly. Or maybe it's the massive, painful freaking headache that I can't get rid of.
Why am I sulking?
Because housematey, who I normally love and get along with terrifically, seems to find it funny that I'm exhausted and tired all day long. She went out shopping and to the movies today, and laughed at me while she walked out the door. Not even kidding.
I know I'm usually pretty easy going, and I've been pretty jokey the last few days, trying not to get the whole GF thing get to me. But it's hard. It sucks to be exhausted all the freaking time, sleeping 15+ hours of days.
I don't even know where I'm going with this. Just wanted to vent.
Just ... bummed. :-(

Pure. Boredom.

So, after sleeping 15 - 18 hours a day for the last few weeks, and having shocking headaches and a sore throat, I finally went to the doc last week. I had a blood test, which was a lot more successful than last time (when the nurse had to stick a needle in me five freaking times to get blood), and it showed glandular fever.
Yes, the kissing disease. Mono.
No, I haven't been kissing anyone.
So now, I'm off work, for god knows how long, and I have plenty of time to look at random shit on the internet (between all the sleeping I'm doing ... That's number one priority.). So I thought I'd post some of it.
Starting with this photo, which totally rocks:





I got it from www.wedinator.com. It's kind of funny, in the most bizarre way.
Anyway, I've been awake for like, three whole hours and I'm reaching the can-barely-keep-my-eyes-open point, so I think it might be time to settle myself on the couch, put a dvd on, and nap.
I'll be back ... :-)

11/11 - Remembrance Day

They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old;
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning
We will remember them.

Today, we remember all those who have fought, and continue to fight, for our country. Today is not about whether you support the war or not. Today is a day to say thank you to all our Service men and women for all that they do. You are the reason we have the freedom to express our opinions. You are true heroes, and you do an amazing job of protecting this country, and the people who live here.

Thank you.

Meh.

So tonight, I can't sleep.

I know exactly why I can't sleep. And hopefully, writing it all out will help, and I'll be able to go to bed and get a good four hours sleep before I have to get up for work.

Yesterday at work, I got abused twice in 30 minutes by the same customer. Now, occasionally at work we will get a shitty customer. And to be honest, most of the time I don't let it bother me. I'll laugh it off, and by the time I finish work, it will be forgotten.

This was different.

I got abused when the guy came in and wanted a cubic metre on his 4x4 trailer. Now, usually we're only legally allowed to put half a cubic metre on a 6x4 trailer. So, smaller than a 6x4, can't fit a full metre on a 6x4, you'd think it wouldn't be hard to make him understand. Instead of him understanding, I got more abuse and swearing. In the end, since I was the only one in the shop, and I didn't want things to get even uglier, I charged him for a full metre and sent him over the loader driver to get loaded. I let the loader driver know, and he said he'd deal with the situation.

All over, right?

No. This guy also gave our loader driver an earful, and continued with the swearing/abuse theme. Then, 20 minutes after he left, he rang. And I copped some more. "You're going to lose your job/stupid bitch/f***ing this and that, you don't have these problems if you go to [other business]." And just before he slammed the phone down on me? "You'd better f***ing watch out. You better watch out [my name]".

Like I said, it's not so much the abuse (even though that was more than I'm used to). I can usually laugh at that.

What I don't like, and what's shaken me up, is being threatened.

I'm not worried about losing my job. I'm good at my job. My boss likes me. I love my job, and it shows in my work.

I'm worried about the "You better f***ing watch out".

That part worries me.

And I know it's probably pointless to worry. He's obviously a gutless coward if he feels the need to phone in his threats. But still. It's not rational, but I'm worried. It's probably being over-dramatic.

But still, I'm worried.

Terrified/Excited - Same thing, really ...

Today, I re-enrolled in uni.

I'm terrified and excited, all at once.

It was either really smart, or really dumb.

I'll let you know ...