Friday, July 20, 2007

Self-conscious ...

So, here's the thing.

I love writing. I like to blog. This is my journal. My place to vent. Need to think something through? I come here and write my thoughts down. Need to deal with something? Get it all out, write it down. Want to say congrats to someone, or put some photos on the net? I do it on this page. Can't sleep and it's 4am and I'm bored? I'll come on here and babble about nothing.

And, so far, you know, it's worked great for me. When the whole thing happened with my brother, I wrote it all out. (Well, I sure as hell couldn't talk to anyone about it ...) When I lost my job, I was on here a few hours after it happened, unable to sleep, with everything just falling apart around me. Happy, sad, stupid, chaotic, funny, calm ... It's all here.

I generally don't censor what I write. I don't write for anyone other than me. I don't stop and think too much about what I want to write. Because it's not as honest, not as real, if you put too much thought into it (beforehand, anyway ... You should probably think while you're writing...!).

I don't worry about anyones feelings when I write. I don't care if someone gets offended by me swearing or something like that. Why? Because it's for me. I write for me. I don't care what anyone else thinks, you know? My writing may not be perfect, it may not be funny, it may not always be grammatically correct, or witty, or meaningful, but I don't care. As long as I write about whatever is happening, or I write about whatever is bothering me, then I'm happy. As long as I'm honest, and I don't lie to myself, then I'm happy.

[This may seem like another random, disjointed entry, but there is a point, I promise you!]

So, last night I was talking to someone online. I like this someone. I think he is funny, and pretty damn cool, and my god, the man does things with his tongue that make you moan ... Er. Sorry. Slightly off topic. Let's call him ... Oh, I don't know ... Something wild ... Dan. So "Dan" wanted this website address. For some reason it didn't occur to me that he wanted it so he could read this blog. (I don't know what I thought he was going to do with it ... ?)

Anyway. When I realised that "Dan" was reading this blog ... Ok, when "Dan" told me ... For the first time ever, it made me self-conscious to know that someone was reading this blog. Why? I don't know. I know friends who read it. I know friends who email me if I haven't done an entry for a few days (Hey, Megsy!). I know they're reading it, and it doesn't worry me. This is the one place I let out all my "crazy". The one place that I am totally honest, even though I might be scared, or sad, or whatever. It doesn't matter. I come here, I say it all without worrying. How can you do that when you feel self-conscious?

Huh. Guess I lied up there ^ ... I don't think there is a point ... Oh, yeah. Now I remember. Welcome, "Dan". You know who you are! *lol* If you go back into the entries from Feb/March, or even April ... Please try to not fall over as you run away from me screaming :o) *lol* Seriously, just do me a favour, and don't tell me that you've read them! :o) Thanks!

Anyway. Tomorrow (or whenever I blog again) I will go back to my crazy, random, un-censored, totally honest, normal self :o) Something for you all to look forward to! So, the point is (Ha! Knew I had a point!), and this is mainly for "Dan": This is me. Totally raw, open and honest. And, oh yeah, you're going to learn pretty fast that I'm ... Well, kinda nuts! :o)

P.S. Dan, hope you have a great time at the deb :o) You'll do great! And don't forget, I want a picture!

P.P.S. ONE MORE SLEEP! Harry Potter 7 comes out tomorrow. If you don't hear from me for a couple of days, I'm not dead ... Just reading. And Snape? Totally a bad guy. Yep. If he's not ... I'm gonna be so disappointed.

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