Read all about it ...

15 MINUTES OF FAME:
Firstly, I will be signing autographs tomorrow at 9 ... Bring your own pen, I'm waaaaay to important to have to worry about finding a pen ... :-P *lol*
Yesterday morning, I slept in. Well, that's not technically true. I was awake ... I just couldn't be bothered dragging my lazy arse out of bed, so by time I got out, I was running way late. So, I only had 5 minutes to do my hair, and I ended up chucking it up in a messy ponytail. Get to work, and Julie (our cleaner) says to me, "Are you ready for the cameras darl?"
Huh?
Turns out the centre is turning one soon, and Nick (the owner) had organised for people to come and film a tv ad. Oh, great! We got in groups, and sang happy birthday ... It took us 3 goes to get it right! Funny as!


ALMOST THERE:
We're well into this 275-day journey, in fact, we're almost at the end of it! Only about 15 more days until my niece arrives into the world. Amanda is doing well, still yapping away ... I swear she never shuts up!



WHAT A PLAN!
I have the weekend off work. God, I'm so excited! *lol* (Although, after Thursday, I might not actually have a job ... Trying not to freak out about that.) Christine's birthday is on Saturday, so we're hanging out, having lunch, maybe going bowling or something like that. Sunday, I've arranged to head over to _____ for the day, and go on a ______ (The blanks will be filled in after the weekend :-)). I've never actually driven to _____, so I was thinking of taking a drive over there tonight after work, or tomorrow afternoon, since I have tomorrow off work. It's only about an hour either way, so that's not too far away. I think we'll have a nice weekend.


SAME OLD, SAME OLD:
Work is ok. Like I said, I'm not sure how much longer I'll have a job - there's a lot of stuff going on and I'm trying not to worry too much. Whatever happens, happens. Getting all stressed out isn't going to do anything. We've had a quiet couple of days, hopefully today is busier. I'm on my 7th day straight, I'm so looking forward to a day off tomorrow.


THE FAT MAN COMMETH:
Only 2 months, (just a tad under two months, actually) until that jolly fat man pays us a visit ... Have you been naughty or nice?

Everyone wants
Something
From me
Of me

To be happy
To be perfect
To do something for them
To fix things

And here's me
Just bumbling along
Trying, trying
To do it all

To balance
To handle everything
To change
To be me



P.S. News from today ...
* Only about 20 days until my new little niece enters the world :-) Can't wait.
* Work was quiet. Bendigo Show is on, so the whole centre was dead.
* Chris (the cafe chef) got offended when Felicity called him gay ... Even though he is ... Uhh, ok!
* Am still a bit bummed from Wednesday :-S
* Ran into someone I used to work with at Safeway ... What's that saying - the more things change, the more they stay the same? That's so true for Safeway. Sounds like some things have changed, but most have not.
* Called my mum after work ... Lorri hasn't changed her mind :-( We still don't know what's going on with her. I just want to see my nephew, be part of his life ...
* Why the 'poem' at the top? Don't know, was just thinking :-)

Umbrella

This song used to shit me up the wall :-) I hated it. But for some reason, it's growing on me, and now I think it's kinda cool ...



You have my heart

And we'll never be worlds apart

May be in magazines

But you'll still be my star

Baby cause in the dark

You can't see shiny cars

And that's when you need me there

With you I'll always share

Because



[Chorus:]

When there's sunshine, we'll shine together

Told you I'll be here forever

Said I'll always be a friend

Took an oath

I'ma stick it out till the end

Now that it's raining more than ever

Know that we'll still have each other

You can stand under my umbrella

You can stand under my umbrella (Ella ella eh eh eh)

Under my umbrella (Ella ella eh eh eh)

Under my umbrella(Ella ella eh eh eh)

Under my umbrella(Ella ella eh eh eh eh eh eh )



These fancy things, will never come in between

You're part of my entity, here for Infinity

When the war has took it's part

When the world has dealt it's cards

If the hand is hard, together we'll mend your heart

Because



[Chorus:]

When there's sunshine, we'll shine together

Told you I'll be here forever

Said I'll always be a friend

Took an oath I'ma stick it out till the end

Now that it's raining more than ever

Know that we'll still have each other

You can stand under my umbrella

You can stand under my umbrella (Ella ella eh eh eh)

Under my umbrella (Ella ella eh eh eh)

Under my umbrella(Ella ella eh eh eh)

Under my umbrella(Ella ella eh eh eh eh eh eh )

You can run into my arms

It's okay don't be alarmed

Come into me


There's no distance in between our love

So go on and let the rain pour

I'll be all you need and more

Because


[Chorus:]When there's sunshine, we'll shine together

Told you I'll be here forever

Said I'll always be a friend

Took an oath I'ma stick it out till the end

Now that it's raining more than ever

Know that we'll still have each other

You can stand under my umbrella

You can stand under my umbrella (Ella ella eh eh eh)

Under my umbrella (Ella ella eh eh eh)

Under my umbrella(Ella ella eh eh eh)

Under my umbrella(Ella ella eh eh eh eh eh eh )



It's raining

Ooh baby it's raining

Baby come into me

Come into me

It's raining

Oh baby it's raining

I wish ... That things were different.

Of course I wish things were different ...

But there's no point being bitter about it.

Sad? Hell yeah.

Bitter? Nope.

Just really sad.

Guess it figures ... Usually I don't care. And it never worries me - it turns into something or it doesn't. Doesn't really bother me either way. But the one time I actually do care, the one time I'd like something to happen ...

Oh well.

You know what really pisses me off?

When there is *clearly* something bothering someone, and yet ... They. Won't. Say. What. The. Freakin. Problem. Is.

Please.

Do not insult my intelligence. I know there's something wrong. Tell me what the hell is wrong, and maybe I can help. Maybe whatever is wrong can be fixed. Tell me what the hell is wrong, so we can deal with it, and get over it.

I'm saying this because there's something in particular that's bothering me. I *know* that there's something going on with L____. And I think I have a pretty good idea what that something is. And I know why she's avoiding us - because she's worried about our reaction to that something. I just don't get why the hell she won't be straight with us, and tell us what is going on ... What's the worst that could happen? We could support her? We could try to help? We could stand behind her, like we have done for the last four years? Wow, wouldn't that be terrible.

I don't know.

~*~

On a not-totally-unrelated-note, I got home yesterday to find a voicemail message from my brother. At first, I thought he was drunk. But no, he was actually calling to see if I'd be at his birthday dinner. He turns 21 this year.

I don't know what to think. I don't know what to do.

I can just see myself going to the dinner, and throwing something at him, or starting a massive fight by saying something I shouldn't ...

I know that I'll disappoint my mum and my sister if I don't go, and I'll look like a total bitch to his new girlfriend, but can I tell you something? I don't really care.

(On a side note, I think my dad's with me on this one here. I told my mother that I wasn't going to have anything to do with Darren until he changed and my dad said "Good for you, I think thats fair enough". Go Brian!)

I've had 2 lectures since last night on how I *have* to go, and how I *should just let it go* and yada yada yada. Again ... Don't really care.

Ok, I'm out :-)

Open Letters.

Dear Mr J.B.

Oh, you've done it now.

Haven't you done it now, buddy.

There's a couple of things you should know about me, J.B. I love my Collingwood. I love to laugh. I hate Tom Cruise. And I hate it when people lie to my friends.

(Well, to me as well, but I can take care of myself.)

And guess what you did?

Lied to one of my friends.

Not only that, but you lied to my Steeny.

For months.

About ... Oh, pretty much everything, it turns out.

Oh, you've done it now.

Go to bed tonight J.B., and pray that you never run into me again. Because, although I have never so much as laid a finger on another human being in my life, I would kick. Your. Arse. It wouldn't be pretty, or co-ordinated, (I have a realistic view of my skills - I'm pretty much a idiot, and I'd look like one, with my arms flying everywhere) but I would do it.

Don't treat my Steeny that way. Don't ever treat my jellybean that way.

Got it?

Yours sincerely,
Arse-kicking Rach.


************************************

Dear Sir,

I just wanted to take this opporunity to say thank you.

I know, working in customer service/hospitality, that it's my job to serve you. To make any drink or any food that you may require. You pay for this service. Service that I usually provide with a smile, because hey, it's my job, and (most of the time) I enjoy it.

But this morning, when I was busy doing something, you oh-so-kindly grunted to get my attention. Thanks for that. Because, god knows, you'd only been standing there for about 3 seconds, and you're clearly such an important person that you just didn't have the time to wait.

So thank you, for grunting and letting me know you were there.

And then? When I'd acknowledged your presence, with a 'Hi, how are you today" and a smile, thanks ever-so-much for speaking to me without even looking at me, and only saying "Latte". Because, yep, clearly that gives me all the information I need to serve you well. Oh, and a special thank you for speaking to me like I'm some kind of fuckwit. That was just terrific and very much appreciated!

Finally, I wish to say thank you for literally throwing the money at me. If it had been a note, I wouldn't have minded. But throwing coins all over my bench, and my floor, was lovely of you.

Thanks ever-so-much for making my day.

P.S. To Mr. Grunt's wife - What the hell are you thinking? You actually seemed quite nice. Dude. You could do so much better. Leave the fucker!


************************************

Dear New Zealand Rugby League - players, coaches, supporters, etc.

Boy, are you guys in trouble!

What was it, a 58 - 0 thrashing by the Aussies today?!

Wow ... Maybe you should do something about that. Just a bit of helpful advice, ya know :-)

Have a great day!
A Rugby fan!

So, I'm sitting here, almost in tears, because something I never thought would happen ... Happened.

My brother's ex-girlfriend has moved on. No longer does she want anything to do with our family. Doesn't want to see us, doesn't want to speak to us, doesn't want us as a part of her life.

And, of course ... No longer will we be a part of Jordyn's life.

I won't get to see my little man grow up. I won't get to be a part of his life as he gets older.

I love that kid more than anything in this world. I want nothing but the best for that kid. He rocks. He's funny and smart and such a little cutie. I want to see him grow up. I want to see him as he discovers the world. I want to be there, be a part of his life. I want to spoil him for no reason at all, and visit him. I want to hang out with him, and teach him *cool* stuff.

Please say this isn't forever. God, I hope, I hope, I hope Lorri changes her mind.

Life's little mysteries ...

Ya know what I don't understand?

How someone, who lives alone, wears a work uniform 5 days a week, 9 hours a day, and doesn't really have that many clothes, can manage to accrue so much dirty washing. It's mystifying. I did two full loads of washing today - so full my machine stopped halfway through the second load because it was too full ... Oops.

Maybe I need to wash more often? I only say this because this morning I went to get a clean pair of socks, and I had two pairs left in my drawer. Now, I'm a big sock person. Stripey, nice and coloured, I love me a cool, cute pair of socks. After I washed, I had 15 pairs of socks on the line. FIFTEEN! Dude. Same with my underwear. After I washed, I had something like 12 on the line!

But really, when you think about it, I generally wash once a week. I don't really need to do anymore than that - I live alone for cryin' out loud! There's not a lot of towels, or bedding to wash. Most of my days are spent in my work uniform, and when I get home, I change straight into my p.j.'s! I pretty much live in them when I'm home. I'm strictly a comfort-dress kinda girl, and my jammies are comfortable :-)

Anyway, I better go fold some washing ...

"To be a star, you must shine your own light, follow your own path and not worry about the darkness for that is when stars shine the brightest"

-Author Unknown

2:53 a.m.

2:53 a.m. ... And I'm awake :-)

Woke up at 1:30, and haven't been able to get back to sleep!

Not much going on here ... I can't believe it's been a whole week since I blogged.

I went to Melbourne on Sunday night after work ... It was fun :-) Then I got home Monday morning and slept all afternoon! I worked yesterday and I have today off. Not sure what I'm going to do all day ... Probably just clean my house and chill for a while.

I really don't have much to say ... And I'm so tired I can barely freaking think ... :-) I just felt like doing an entry. It was bugging me that I hadn't blogged since last Sunday!

We've been having some fun times at work ... People stealing our fruit, turning off our fridges, ice machine, etc ... It all stepped up a notch on Friday morning when I got to work to discover that someone had turned off our freezer during the night, and over $1500 worth of gelati was destroyed ... So, we decided that we'd simply move all the gelati from the display freezer into the big storeroom freezer every night ... Until I got to work on Sunday morning, went out to get the gelati and discovered that someone had turned off the big freezer. My first thought? 'You've got to be freaking kidding me!'

So, yeah. Someone has gone from a few 'pranks' to causing real damage. We thought that we'd saved the gelati in the storeroom freezer, but that was also ruined - about $4000+ worth of gelati that we had to just throw out. Anyway, today Heather, Tony and Nick sat down and went through the security footage, and have found vision of 4 guys and 1 girl, entering the market centre on Thursday night about 10:30 p.m., and a couple of shots from Saturday night, at 1:30 a.m. - with the same group of people. Unfortunately, Saturday night they avoided most of the cameras, but we do know that it took them only 4 minutes to get out the back of the market centre, turn our freezer off, then leave.

I'm a bit down tonight :-S I don't know why.

I'm watching some very badly acted show on Channel 9 ... Looks like it's from about 1960.

Anyway, I might go ... I can't stop yawning. Goodnight guys.

Can't sleep ... So you get quotes.

It's not called stalking, it's called love.

*lmao* like that one!

Or ...
You can't make someone fall in love with you... you can only stalk them and hope for the best.

Never accept love if you can't give yourself in return.
Never start a relationship you know you'll want to end eventually.
Don't go for looks, it can deceive;
Don't go for wealth - even that fades away.
Go for someone who makes you smile because only a smile makes a dark day seem bright.

Imagine, if you will, a world without hypothetical situations.

Some people make things happen, some watch while things happen, and some wonder "What happened?"
Which type of person are you?

There's this lost cause I believe in called myself.

It is better to be hated for who you are than to be loved for who you are not.

Destiny is not a matter of chance; it is a matter of choice.

Every moment in time gives us a chance to love, to learn, to dream... and to become more then we ever imagined.

You won't see the rainbow if you don't live through the rain.

Don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon.



and now ... a couple of poems.


If I were a fairy
I'd take you in my wings
If I were a fairy
I'd fly you somewhere else
If I were a fairy
I'd keep you safe and sound

But I'm just a girl

If I had a magic wand
I'd put a spell on you
If I had a magic wand
I'd put a stop to your pain
If I had a magic wand
I'd make it perfect

But I'm just a girl

If you let me
I'll be your angel
If you let me
I'll help you through
If you let me
We can be play fairies
And
We'll put spells on each other ...



I begged on my knees
I asked you to stop
Now I'm just a hypocrite

I told you I'd been there
And wouldn't go back
Now I'm just a hypocrite

I cried at your cuts
I smiled at my scars
Now I'm just a hypocrite

I smile at your smile
I cry at my cuts
Now I'm just a hypocrite

You cry at my cuts
I smile at your scars
Now I'm just a hypocrite

Post #200 for me ... and I'm using it to say:

You.
Bloody.
Little.
Ripper.
Melbourne.
Storm!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Didn't see the game? You missed a bloody good game. The final score belies the fact that most of the game, Manly did actually give Melbourne a fairly good run for their money. Manly made a lot of errors and stupid mistakes though, and they paid dearly for them.

My highlights? Let's see ...

- Matt King, shown going around and shaking the hand of every Manly player, before he joined his teammates to celebrate. Now that's a good winner.
- Greg Inglis. Pretty much every time he moved, all night. He didn't make many (any?!) mistakes, and he deserved the Clive Churchill medal.
- Cameron Smith, "praying" before kicking to convert a try. He only converted 3 tries out of 8 tonight, so I don't know what the hell was going on with his kicking, but they made 8 tries so the extra points didn't matter too much! :-)
- Craig Bellamy (Melbourne's coach) getting a massive bucket of gatorade or something dumped all over him in the celebration. Funny as!

I was also impressed with the way Melbourne played. By about the 60th minute, Melbourne had pretty much won the game. With only 20 minutes to go, they held a 22 - 8 lead, and yet they played as if they still had 60 minutes to go, and the game was still in the balance. With 10 minutes to go, they scored another try, and had well and truly secured the game, but still the entire team ran hard, played hard, and by minute 75 (after another try!) they knew they had won, the guys on the sidelines were celebrating, Craig Bellamy and his coaching staff had already left the box and were on the field, but still the guys on-field played as if they could lose. They were friggin amazing!

The final score, in case you're interested, was 34 - 8. They deserved the win.

Go Storm :-) You bloody little ripper!

May you find serenity and tranquility in a world you may not always understand.

May the pain you have known and the conflict you have experienced give you the strength to walk through life facing each new situation with courage and optimism.

Always know that there are those whose love and understanding will always be there, even when you feel most alone.

May you discover enough goodness in others to believe in a world of peace.

May a kind word, a reassuring touch, and a warm smile be yours every day of your life, and may you give these gifts as well as receive them.

Remember the sunshine when the storm seems unending.

Teach love to those who hate, and let that love embrace you as you go out into the world.

May the teachings of those you admire become part of you, so that you may call upon them.

Remember, those whose lives you have touched and whose have touched yours are always a part of you, even if the encounters were less than you would have wished. It is the content of the encounter that is more important than the form.

May you not become too concerned with material matters, but instead place immeasurable value on the goodness in your heart. Find time each day to see beauty and love in the world around you.

Realize that each person has limitless abilities, but each of us is different in our own way. What you feel you lack in the present may become one of your strengths in the future.

May you see your future as one filled with promise and possibility. Learn to view everything as a worthwhile experience.

May you find enough inner strength to determine your own worth by yourself, and not be dependent on another's judgment of your accomplishments. May you always feel loved.

-Unknown.

Venting time ...

So, here's the thing.

I really like my job. It's pretty cool. I like the work, and the people that I work with.

The one thing I'm not liking at the moment, is my boss. Don't get me wrong - I like her as a person. She's nice, and funny, and always looking after her staff.

But the last week or so, she's stressing me out. Seriously stressing me out.

I feel like nothing is good enough. Everything I do is not done good enough, or I'm not doing things that I should be doing.

Even though I'm busting my arse, working 8 or 9 hours a day, starting early and finishing late every single day, it's still not enough.

I know she's under pressure. I know she's worried about the business, and it's not doing so well at the moment. I know she's worried about the fact that at the moment, most days we're barely covering wages and expenses. I know she's working 11-12 hour days every day, trying to make both the cafe and the kiosk succeed. I know she's trying. I just wish that she'd realise that I'm also trying - trying to make the kiosk the best it can be, trying to keep her happy all the time, trying to keep the place spotless when I'm there on my own for the majority of the time, trying to provide the best customer service I can, trying so damn hard, *so* *damn* *hard* for her business.

It's getting to me a little. Can you tell? Sorry, I just needed to vent. Anyway, I might get going. Peace out guys.

Go The Cats!

In case you haven't heard, or have been in a coma, or under a rock all day ...

GEELONG WON THE GRAND FINAL!

Now, we all know that I'm full of black and white blood. It has always been, and will always be, Collingwood for me. They are *da bomb* as far as I'm concerned.

Last week's loss to Geelong was very upsetting. Five freaking points! One more goal and we would have been there today, playing in the final game of the season, going for the holy grail in football. One more freaking goal!

[No, I'm not dwelling on the loss, why do you ask?!]

But even though we lost, we lost to a terrific team. We put up one hell of a fight, and Geelong were better on the night. To be honest, I wasn't completely disappointed, as my mum is a Cats fan, and I was happy for her that her Cats made it into the Grand Final.

[Not as happy as I would have been had Collingwood been in the GF, but happy nonetheless!]

I never doubted for a second that Geelong would kick some Port Adelaide arse! They've played well all year, and I knew they could do it. They're a terrific team, who just dominate the game. Speaking of dominating, they certainly did that today! Who would have thought they'd win by such a huge margin?! 119 points!

I rang my mum when I got home from work. How did she answer the phone? No hello ... ! "Go the Cats!!!" she yelled. She was sooo happy :-) It's been 44 years since the Cats won a premiership, and my mum's 45, so she's never had the thrill of winning footy's holy grail! I reminded her of the '95 Grand Final that Geelong made it into. Mum had to work that day, so the night before we put up balloons and streamers all over the house ... Then Geelong lost so we had to get them all down before she got home from work! *lol* Thankfully, today had a happier ending for all Cats fans!

So now, that's it. No more footy until next year ... :-( The end of the season is always kind of a bummer, because you know it's going to be *months* before you see another game. I am looking foward to the NRL Grand Final tomorrow night, I like a good game of rugby, and I can't wait to sit down and watch it. I'm tipping Melbourne, I really hope that they can get up over Manly. I can't believe Manly are in the GF!?! *lol* A couple of seasons ago, they were on the bottom of the ladder, the joke of the competition. And this year, they've made it to the last game. Surely Melbourne can beat them ...?! GO THE STORM!

Conversations from my week.

Overheard at Safeway last night:
Man: Noah, stop chasing Emmy ... Noah, I said stop.
Noah: I'm not chasing her, she's chasing me!

Ahh, I love kid-logic.


This morning when I got to work, I was greeted by Chris:
Chris: Hey blossom, what's squeaking?


On Wednesday night:
Christine: Well, if it all goes badly ... I've got bail money.


Also on Wednesday night:
Christine: You gave me sperm germs!
Me: Dude, that's not even possible. You're gross!
Christine: Nuh-uh ... You are!


My sister rang last night to tell me the latest news. She's painted my niece's room pink and purple. Also, my niece has started throwing blocks at people.
Christine (on hearing about Amber's room being painted): Some people should not be allowed to reproduce. What is she thinking??!
Me: Maybe Amber's throwing blocks because she's pissed about living in a pink and purple room.

Are you smarter than a 5th grader?

My feet hurt ...

I'm seriously concerned about my job :-S The kiosk isn't doing too well. We need more people to, you know, buy stuff. That'd be good. Heather's getting discouraged, which makes me wonder how much longer I'm going to have my job.

Eh, I don't know.

I don't really have much to write about tonight. I'm so boring :-) Work was fairly quiet today. Hope tomorrow is busier.

Trying to find something to write about, but it's like my brain just died on me :-) *lol* Kinda sad, really. Chrissie and I went out and got Macca's for dinner tonight, then watched 'Thank God You're Here' (friggin hilarious :-)) and then the new show with Rove - Are you smarter than a 5th grader? We didn't do too badly, but turns out we aren't ... The question about John Howard stumped both of us *lol* I was so sure he was elected in 1995! Christine had no idea (she doesn't pay attention to politics). It was fun.

I really need to work on speaking up more. Saying if I like something or I don't like something ... If something is bad. I shouldn't be such a freaking doormat!

Anyway, guys. I'm out. Peace, love and laughter.

Arthritis. At 24.

Hey guys.

What's up? How we all doing?

I had yesterday and today off work. Yesterday, Ang, Ryan, Chrissie and I all went out for lunch. Ryan threw most of his food on the floor and at us, but we all had a great time :-)
Today Chrissie and I went to La Porchetta for lunch. Beautiful day outside, so we sat in the sun. We were both starving since it was a late lunch (almost 2 p.m.). I got about half way through my parma when I found ... A hair.
Needless to say, I lost my appetite ... :-S The waitress offered to bring me something else, but I declined the offer.

Had an appointment with the chiropractor this afternoon, to find out what my spinal xrays showed ... Nothing good, unfortunately. I have arthritis on my spinal cord and neck ... And the spaces in my spinal cord where the nerves are, are closing up, and cutting off the nerves ... :-(
It was actually really depressing ... I'm 24. 24!
Some of the damage can be undone by regular visits to the chiropractor - 3 times a week for a month, then twice a week for a month, then once a week for six weeks - but the arthritis is probably there for good.

I'm kinda scared. For a couple of reasons:
- How am I going to afford to go to the chiropractor 3 times a week for a month? That comes out at $140 a week/$560 (? I think ... Never much good at maths) a month. I know I'm working full time, but I've also got bills and rent and a car to pay for ... :-S
- Am I going to end up like my parents? I know that a lot of this is genetic. Mum and dad both have bad backs - dad's back has been operated on twice, mum's had one operation on her back. I've seen the pain they live with ... I really don't want to end up like that :-S

Went for a massive long walk today, haven't done that in a while. Used to do it all the time when I wasn't working, but since I've been at Sweet Explosions I haven't had the energy!

I really need to lose some weight. Being this fat (Sorry, Dan ... But it's true!) probably isn't helping.

I really need to do something about my hayfever as well ... Not being able to breathe isn't as much fun as it sounds ... :-P

Ahh, I'm Little-Miss-Whinge-Alot tonight ... Guess I'm kinda depressed still. Might take off. Have a good night, guys.

So. Freaking. Tired.

Friday I worked 9 -7:30. 10 and a half hours, most of the time on my own since Sylvia called in sick. Finished work and headed to Ang and Vinces to babysit Ryan. Got there to find Ryan rolling around on the floor, crying to himself! *lol* He was soooo tired, but he was sulking because Ang and Vince weren't home. Managed to calm Ryan down, and we sat watching to footy for a while before I made the *big* mistake of trying to put Ryan into his cot ... Dude, did he scream! And cry and scream ... So I got him calmed down again while we watched some more footy. Finally managed to Ryan asleep and into his cot ... Only for him to wake up an hour later ...! :o) Ahh, kids are great, aren't they?! :-P

The football on Friday night ... I don't want to speak about it. The less said the better. It still hurts! One goal and we'd be in the grand final ...

One goal.

Worked 9 - 5:30 yesterday, I actually finished early for once :o) You cannot imagine how happy I was! I got home, changed, had a little sit down on the couch for a while, and then "Dan" (named changed to protect the innocent) got here.

Guys (you know who you are), you would be disgusted with me. I went to our place of worship and didn't even finish my parma! I know, what a disgrace!! *lol* That's how tired I was!

~*~

So much to blog about, so many things that have happened this week that have made me think, but unfortunately I'm pretty brain dead right now, so if this is random or doesn't make sense, I'm sorry.

You know the 'Ghosts of Christmas Past'? I feel like this week has been the 'Ghost of my Safeway past'.

I left Safeway in March. Everything went to hell, and finally fell apart on me. I guess I knew it was going to happen, but that didn't make it any easier.

What also made it hard was not hearing from people who I thought were my 'friends' after it all. I've stayed in contact with one person from Safeway.

In the last week, I've seen one manager who I used to work with, and 6 people that I worked with in the deli and the office - including last night when I went to get money out of the A.T.M. after work and ran into someone I worked with in the office. She wouldn't even look at, let alone speak to me.

At first it was hard, seeing all those people. When I saw the manager last weekend, I was at work, and I started shaking and went pale. I know I went pale, because Ashlea actually mentioned it "Rach, what's wrong?! You're so white!"

But now ... I don't know. So what. It happened. It's over. It was inevitable that I was going to run into people from there. Maybe seeing all those people is the universe telling me that I'm stronger now, that I can deal with it. Who cares if they weren't there when I fell apart? Clearly, I didn't need them, or their 'friendship', because I managed to pick myself up, dust myself off and keep going :-)

All this thinking about the last 6 months, and the last year, has made me realise something.

I have changed.

And then last night, I realised something else.

I haven't changed as much as I thought I had.

and

I haven't changed as much as I would like to.

See, I thought I was doing much better. Not being such a doormat. Speaking up when there's

something wrong. Standing up for myself more.

But then, last night, I couldn't even say what I was thinking, what I wanted to do, what I wanted "Dan" to do ... etc. I should have been able to speak up, there were a lot of times when I could have spoken up, and yet I still didn't. I'd like to think it was simply because I was pretty exhausted - I could barely keep my eyes open, and forming thoughts was a little difficult - but I think that the truth was that I was just shy, afraid, uncertain, scared.

And that's just stupid. Why the hell shouldn't I say what I'm thinking? Be honest and open?

Hmmm.

I'm tired. I'm pretty sure there's more thoughts in my head somewhere, I just can't seem to find them at the moment :o) *lol* I don't think I've had many coherent, complete thoughts today. I couldn't even tell you what I did at work all day - I must have done something, but damned if I know what. 4 hours sleep on Friday night + working all day yesterday + about 5 hours sleep last night + working today = a very tired little me :-)

I have tomorrow and Tuesday off work. I might blog again sometime soon. I know there's more stuff I've been thinking about that I want to write about, but ... Can't remember it right now. Yup, I'm a smart cookie :-P

Anyway guys, I'm out. Peace, love and laughter :-)