Here I am again, baby ...

Wow. Two entries in two days. Amazing! Especially with my recent (pathetic) record ...

So, today ...

Much better.

Isn't it funny how a little hope, and a plan, can make you feel so, so much better?

I meant to make a doctors appointment this morning, but then I slept in ... Oops :-)

Work was ok today. Back pain wasn't too bad. Took a painkiller in my lunch break, because it was starting to really ache, but what I forgot was ... They're really strong painkillers. They make me go slightly ... Spacey. I was driving home, and for some reason, I was really, really aware that I was driving, and that there were cars around, and traffic lights. I felt like my eyes were so wide open, it was just ... Freaky! I don't usually drive with my eyes closed or anything, but I was just ... Wow.

Driving home, I realised I hadn't heard from mum and dad since last week ... Decided to ring them when I got home, and instead got home to find a message from mum and dad on my phone! *lol* So I rang back and had a good chat, then decided to ring my sister since I hadn't heard from her in a while. I got to talk to my little Bug Eyes (my niece, Amber, who's two and a half), who's just gorgeous. She was so funny on the phone, telling me that she had an apple, and that it was yummy yummy. The she told me I'm beautiful ... Aww! :-)

Had to go take Gibbs to the carwash before ... Man, was he dirty. Took me a while to wash him. So now he thinks he's just soooo cool because he's a clean little car ...

Ok, so that's about it from here ... Peace out.

Welcome to Funk-ville

So I've been in a serious funk.

And I just can't shake it.

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me.

I even got as close as I've ever been on Sunday night to doing something very, very stupid. And I knew it was stupid, but I just can't keep going going like this. Only the thought of not seeing my Little Man, Bug Eyes and Baby Smurf again made me stop.

I've had enough of everything. Of the family shit, which a year later, thanks to my brother, is still going on. I'm tired of being exhausted all the time, and not knowing why. I'm sick of coming home at night and just crying for no reason, or no reason that I can explain.

Yesterday, I slept until 12. Lunch time. I got up, and I was still so, so tired. And I know it's partly because of my back. Nothing seems to be helping it. I've been to the doctor, many times, and I can't get anything that will help. There's always pain. But it shouldn't make me this tired.

So today ... I made a sort-of plan ... Lose some weight, go back to the doctor and the chiropractor, and go from there. Start something long-term, make a plan, follow it through. Start saying to my doctor, "This isn't right. Help me, or I'll go somewhere else."

And ... Hello Zoloft. I'm going back on the Zoloft. It helped last time, and I think it's a good idea.

Anyway ... I'm sick of thinking about myself, so ...

Corey Delaney. Is there anyone who hasn't heard of this 16 year old fuckwit? I hope, that in 10 years time when this kid grows up, when his parents drag out the photos, and the newspaper articles, that this dickhead is humiliated by what he's done, and by how he looks. I think he's an idiot. And oh my god, what's with the way kids dress these days? What is with the big plastic sunglasses and the stupid hats? Am I old for saying this? Oh, how depressing. I'm only 24!

I have found some great new blogs ... Adventures of GuitarGirl RN. Way funny chicky. Ten out of Ten - the writings of a ER Doc. Musings of a Highly Trained Monkey - very cool blog, and very honest ... Definitely someone who calls a spade a spade. There's also Dr Smak, ER RN, Life in the Emergency Department. There are more, but I'll share them later ... I have to say, reading all these blogs has given me a new respect for nurses and doctors. Even though my best friend is a nurse, I've never really thought about her work. Nurses especially put up with a lot of crap, it seems. And who knew that Emergency could be funny as well as dramatic?!

The Pickup Line Encyclopedia ... Ha! Organised by category. Pretty cool website.

This is a rabbit site ... Pretty cool and informative at the same time.

PostSecret has some great secrets up this week ... Go check them out.

It's January, what does that mean? The Australian Open is back again. Tennis will be constantly on my tv for the next couple of weeks, I'll only changing the chanel for the cricket. The next test match (Australia v. India) starts tomorrow, I think.

What else ...

Oh. I met someone. He's a little older than me ... I don't know what it is about me and older guys ... Is it going to go somewhere? I don't know. He's funny, and relaxed, and also kind of frustrates me at times ... *lol* I don't know.

Anyway. That's about it. Sorry for the lack of updates. Maybe that's why I've been in such a bad funk, because I haven't been getting stuff out on here like I usually do. Anyway, I'm gonna work on it. And I'll try to update more often.

Peace out :-)

Up and down,

inside out,

outside in,

some you lose,

some you win -

for us all.

Up and down we go.

Bad times choke us all once or twice

On this

Sweet up and

Down

I know. I've been so slack. So slack.

... Forgive me?!

This won't be a long entry ... Tired from work. And got another long day tomorrow ...

Anyway. Snapshots from my week:

[Me standing there, covered in cream after the cream bottle exploded over me]

My boss: [While laughing hysterically] How do these things always happen to you?!
~*~

Christine and I went to a very fancy, very expensive restaurant tonight. The prices were huge, the meals were ... Small.

Me: Dude. I think the waiter helped himself to some of my dinner on the way from the kitchen.
*~*

[Me standing there after the chocolate topping just exploded all over me]

Bree: How do these things always happen to you?! I've never seen anything like it.
~*~

Me: If rabbits had tiny little bunny condoms, there wouldn't be a problem.
*~*

[As soon as we leave the restaurant tonight]
Christine: Ok. Lets hit Maccas and get part two of dinner!
~*~

"Because no matter how badly a thing is hurting us sometimes letting it go hurts even worse.”

Uhh ... What happened to 2007?

Does anyone know what the hell happened to 2007?

I mean, seriously.

Lets look at 2007. I feel like it was a wasted year, which makes me feel like a loser.

Jan: Find out brother physically & verbally abusing son and girlfriend. Confront brother who then tries to kill self.

Feb: Decide (after failing exams due to whole family thing going on) that perhaps taking some time off uni might be a good idea. Maybe I just need to step back, take a break, find some motivation, and then return to uni after everything has settled down.

March: Lose job due to breakdown. End up at mum and dad's, 4 days later, telling my mum what's really been going on. Finally come clean to friends as well.

April/May/June/July: Spend months (literally) trying to get a job. Get rejection after rejection, but eventually I just don't care anymore. Unemployment = totally boring. On the upside - my house has never been cleaner.

August: Finally get a job. Bumpy start for the business, but hell - we're sticking it out.

September: Starting to wonder if business is going to last ... So far cops have been called on a few occasions, we've had people causing damage, things going missing, stress levels rising, and my boss is turning into a slight split-personality. I never know who I'm going to be dealing with when I get to work.

October: Arrest warrant issued. I don't think we need to say any more about that.

November: Baby Smurf born. Without a doubt, the high point of my year, even though that wasn't exactly smooth sailing.

December: 4 months in, and I'm looking for a new job. Almost as unhappy as I was at Safeway after 2 years there. Friend slits his throat. See proof with my own eyes - Christmas night - that arsehole brother hasn't changed.

So really, it wasn't a terrific year.

Here we are, at the end of it, and let's review:
- Haven't spoken to the arsehole brother in 11 months.
- Haven't been at uni for 10 months ... And have no idea when I'll go back.
- Didn't manage to accomplish anything of note during 2007.
- Am currently looking for another job, but until something comes up, am working somewhere that's making me fairly miserable.
- Didn't manage to find Mr Right - or even anything close to.

Um ... Now I'm just depressing myself.

Ok. Good things from 2007:

1: Birth of Baby Smurf. I never imagined such a little person could cause such fuss when entering the world. It was the first time I've ever wanted to be with my sister when she was upset.
*I'm not heartless - she just drives me nuts, and she's always upset about something (she's a drama queen). But mostly it's the 'she drives me nuts' thing.

2: I feel like I have learnt something - at Safeway I stayed until I had a breakdown. I'm miserable right now at my new job - but at least I have learnt to look out for myself. I'm trying to find a new job. I'm not staying until I want to kill myself just to get out of it. If worst comes to worst, I will walk away before I've found a new job. I'd never let myself get that stressed out again.

3: My friends. I soon learnt who my real friends were. I'm so grateful for the friends I have, who have been there through everything.

Wow. I can only find 3 good things from the whole year? Maybe I need to keep thinking.

Anyway, it's getting late. I might keep thinking ... While I sleep.

Happy New Year. May 2008 be everything you're hoping for.

First Meme of 2008

A Book Reading Meme

1. Open the book you're currently reading to page 133.

2. Read the fourth line on the page.

3. Put the book back where it had been resting.

4. Tell no one of what it was you just did.

5. Think of five friends to tag with this meme.

6. Do not actually tag them. They are busy and have lives.

7. Go about your life as if nothing has happened.

8. Carry the secret of this meme to your grave.

A rabbit throwing a tantrum and me babbling endlessly ... You decide whats more entertaining.

Oh my god, it's FREAKING HOT.

We hit 38 Saturday, 40 yesterday, 40 today, and we're going to hit 40 again tomorrow.

Stepping outside for 5 minutes ensures you sweat for the next 20, even if you're straight back inside.

New Years Eve today ... Everyone keeps asking me what I'm up to tonight ... Uhh, nothing :-) Are you kidding me?! It's way too hot to do anything. I can't be stuffed! And to be honest, I'd rather chill at home ...Watching a dvd or hanging out with some friends ... Or just sitting in front of the air conditioner :-)

I think my air conditioner is getting cranky ... It was on all last night, and all today, and it's been acting funny - keeps cutting out a little, going slower. I might have to turn it off tonight for a while.

Not much news from here ... I actually haven't been to work since Friday. Yes, I had Saturday, Sunday and Monday off, and I've also got tomorrow off. I go back on Wednesday for 5 days. There was nothing in the Addy on Saturday, job-wise. Oh well, I'll keep looking and just stick it out until I get something new.

I got Buckley a new toy the other day ... He has a love/hate relationship with it. He loves to play with it, but it frustrates the hell out him. Earlier today he got so annoyed he dumped it in his water container ... :-) I also got him a leash, so he can go in the front yard and eat the grass sometimes. I took him out for a while last night, but it was kind of hot so he didn't get to stay out there long.

The new tablets the doctor started me on? The strong painkillers I'm meant to take at night, because they make you drowsy and able to get an excellent, proper nights sleep? Yeah, they did ... The exact opposite for me. Friday night I took one. I didn't get to sleep until 6 a.m. Saturday morning. I was just wide awake. Saturday night I took one. I didn't get to sleep until 4 a.m. Sunday morning. So yesterday I took one at lunchtime. I SLEPT LAST NIGHT! *lol* It was great. So from now on I'll start taking them in the morning/at lunch time, that's mainly when I get the worst pain anyway.

What else can I go on about? I don't think I have much else ...I dog-sat Jersey today. All in all it went pretty well. Nothing major destroyed, he didn't poop, or pee, anywhere in my house, and we had fun chilling out. I think I'm going to pick him up tomorrow and bring him around here for a while as well, it's too hot for him in Christine's house during the day. She leaves the back door open so he can go outside, but that means that the air conditioner can't be on all day.

Buckley is throwing a little tanty. I just put him back in his cage, because he went to pee on the floor. So now he's throwing around all his toys. Very mature!

Anyway, I might go have a nice, cold bath. Did I mention that it's FREAKING HOT HERE?!

Happy New Year, guys. Peace out!

So, I know I haven't really done a proper entry in a while.

Last week, I was in a total funk. Partly because I lost a friend, and partly because it was just one of those weeks where everything was wrong, you know? I was bummed about everything, I was sick of everything, I didn't want to be rational, I just wanted to be pissed off at the world. (By the way, to those who read the original 'Death is forever ...' entry ... You'll noticed that I edited it. Usually I don't, but it was a little full on, a little too angry. Sorry if you read it.)

Anyway ...

Christmas was nice. Got to spend some time with my little man, Jordyn, and I taught him how to play cricket. I got him this Thomas the Tank thing for Christmas, next time I'll be looking properly at the box (I was in a hurry!) because it took me for-freaking-ever to set the stupid thing up! By the time I'd set it up, Jordyn had already lost interest, and had moved on to his Shrek tent, which mum and dad got him! I scored some cool stuff, some clothes, Scrubs, season 5, a Sanity gift card, which I used to buy Season 6, a book that I really wanted, some bath stuff, and some other little stuff. Good haul!

I got back to Bendigo Boxing Day night, it was pretty cool. My brother's an arse, and I hated having him in the same house as me, but oh well. I got to see my little man, so that's all that matters to me.

Went back to work yesterday. Have started looking for a new job. I like the people I'm working with (mostly). I like the work (mostly). But lately ... I'm miserable there. I was so depressed at the thought of having to go there yesterday morning. I worked half a day today, but came home because my back was hurting really badly. I went to the doctor, he gave me some Tramadal (? spelling ?) which is a nice, strong painkiller, and another, stronger anti-inflamatory. My boss just rang and said I could have tomorrow off, and even though I think I'll be fine, I didn't argue with her. I'm just so sick of that place. I really, really don't want to go back there. So I'm hoping to get a new job ... Soon.

Other news from here ... Buckley went home with for Christmas. I don't think he liked the car! He was on the bed before, trying to sneak up on the curtains. Talk about funny! They kept moving because of the fan. I think he's going through a stage, because he's chewing on everything. He's destroyed my mobile phone charger, a doona, the extenstion cord attached to the tv cord (you should have seen me yelling when I thought it was the tv cord!!!) and he's currently trying to chew holes in the spare room single bed matress. Ahh, what a darling.

I think that's about it ... I'll probably do some kind of entry tomorrow since I have the day off, and I don't have to go to that hellhole known as my workplace. I think I'll spend most of the day jobhunting though. Have a good night, guys. Peace out.

Merry

Christmas!

Night Before Christmas ... Aussie Style

'Twas the night before Christmas; there wasn't a sound.

Not a possum was stirring; no-one was around.

We'd left on the table some tucker and beer,

Hoping that Santa Claus soon would be here;

We children were snuggled up safe in our beds,

While dreams of pavlova danced 'round in our heads;

And Mum in her nightie, and Dad in his shorts,

Had just settled down to watch TV sports.

When outside the house a mad ruckus arose;

Loud squeaking and banging woke us from our doze.

We ran to the screen door, peeked cautiously out,

snuck onto the deck, then let out a shout.

Guess what had woken us up from our snooze,

But a rusty old Ute pulled by eight mighty 'roos.

The cheerful man driving was giggling with glee,

And we both knew at once who this plump bloke must be.

Now, I'm telling the truth it's all dinki-di,

Those eight kangaroos fairly soared through the sky.

Santa leaned out the window to pull at the reins,

And encouraged the 'roos, by calling their names.

'Now, Kylie! Now, Kirsty! Now, Shazza and Shane!

On Kipper! On, Skipper! On, Bazza and Wayne!

Park up on that water tank. Grab a quick drink,

I'll scoot down the gum tree. Be back in a wink!'

So up to the tank those eight kangaroos flew,

With the Ute full of toys, and Santa Claus too.

He slid down the gum tree and jumped to the ground,

Then in through the window he sprang with a bound.

He had bright sunburned cheeks and a milky white beard.

A jolly old joker was how he appeared.

He wore red stubby shorts and old thongs on his feet,

And a hat of deep crimson as shade from the heat.

His eyes - bright as opals - Oh! How they twinkled!

And, like a goanna, his skin was quite wrinkled!

His shirt was stretched over a round bulging belly

Which shook when he moved, like a plate full of jelly.

A fat stack of prezzies he flung from his back,

And he looked like a swaggie unfastening his pack.

He spoke not a word, but bent down on one knee,

To position our goodies beneath the yule tree.

Surfboard and footy-ball shapes for us two.

And for Dad, tongs to use on the new barbeque.

A mysterious package he left for our Mum,

Then he turned and he winked and he held up his thumb;

He strolled out on deck and his 'roos came on cue;

Flung his sack in the back and prepared to shoot through.

He bellowed out loud as they swooped past the gates-

'MERRY CHRISTMAS to all, and goodonya, MATES!'

The Ghost of Christmas (Eve) Past

Christmas Eve, 2001:
I spend the whole day packing and getting organised. On Boxing Day, my cousin and I are heading to Queensland for 10 days. Of course, on Christmas Day I get lots of presents I want to take with me to QLD, so I have to unpack and re-pack everything Christmas night.

Christmas Eve, 2004:
I meet for the very first time, my beautiful nephew, Jordyn Leigh, on Christmas Eve 2004. We spend almost three hours out the back, all together as a family, talking and chilling out before everyone heads to bed for the big day. Jordyn's almost three weeks old, and sleeps through most of his first Christmas - including Christmas lunch when he sleeps in his pram as we eat - with everyone stealing glances at him every few minutes to see what he's doing!

Christmas Eve 2005 and 2006:
By Christmas Eve, I'm exhausted. Doing 12 hour days at Safeway, including Christmas Eve when I start at 4 a.m. and don't stop until 4 p.m. It won't be any surprise to anyone to learn that I was in bed about 8 o'clock last Christmas Eve, will it?

Christmas Eve, 2007:
What's that? I don't start work until 11 a.m. on Christmas Eve ... Wow. Massive sleep in to someone who's used to getting up at 3 a.m. on Christmas Eve! I ended up 'sleeping in' until 7. Score! Did the last of my Christmas shopping this morning, then headed to work. Work was a lot busier than I thought it would be, but nowhere close to the madness of Safeway. I was finished at 5:30, went home to grab my stuff and pack up the car, then headed to Kerang just before 7. Got here at 8:30, and don't think I'll last too much longer before I fall into bed ... :-)

"Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you?"
"Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you?"

Death is forever.

That's kind of obvious, isn't it. You can't die tomorrow, and come back next week. It's permanent. The people you love, the people who love you, will never see you again, should you die today.

I often wonder if people who kill themselves think it through. I mean really think it through. Because it's so permanent. Yes, death is a way to escape the pain of whatever you might be going through, but you can't come back once you change your mind about it. You can't give it a few weeks and say "Oh, I think I might go back to being alive again now".

It's for-fucking-ever.

Oh, Mick.

Why?

The rumours are true. Yes, I am a superhero.

So, yesterday was a crappy day at work. Really awful. Copped abuse from two customers (the first one nearly had me in tears, and the second one had me wanting to scream "I didn't come to work to be abused by arseholes!"). It was just nuts. The good news is my boss had my back, and was right there both times, giving back as good as they gave to me.

Anyway. Moving on.

After work, I stopped at Safeway. My whole day turned around, seriously. I was so happy, no I was *flat-out delighted*, to find giant plastic candy canes. Nothing is bad in the world when you've got a giant candy cane!

So I got two, and tucked them under my arm, to continue my shopping.

A couple of minutes later, I went to turn around to look at something, and nearly, very, very nearly, took out an old lady, who was innocently shopping, not realising the danger she was almost in!

BUT! I saved the day! I stopped short, saving Grandma from disaster, averting a tragedy (or a broken hip), casually made sure no one had seen the incident ... And took off.

I SAVED THAT OLD LADY'S LIFE!

Now, some may say that it was my fault. To those people I say ... Pfft. Let's not get caught up in details, people. Ok? The fact of the matter is, I SAVED her! It may have been my fault, but the point is ... I averted disaster!

Grandma, enjoy your Christmas with both hips and all bones intact ... It's all thanks to me!


P.S. When I got home, I may have been waving around a giant candy cane, dancing like a dork ... And I may have taken out everything that was on my bench. I may have broken a photo frame, and knocked myself in the head with the giant candy cane ... But I refuse to confirm or deny that!

Seriously, would it kill you to have a Shrek bandaid for me?

Captain Skitzoid (a.k.a Buckley) is trying to escape his ears ... Sadly he doesn't realise they're attached to his head, which is what makes it hilarious to watch ... Keeps jumping up in the air, as if that'll confuse his ears, who will stay on the bed when he jumps ... Hahaha ... He's getting very pissed off that his ears keep following him ... What's even funnier? He does this about 4 times a day. Yep. That's one intelligent rabbit I've got ...

I've got nothing much to say ... I just want to go on the record and say that Christine, it's your fault I'm in pain right now. If you'd had a Shrek bandaid for after my needle, my arm wouldn't be aching! *lol* Yes folks, that's right ... The biggest baby in the world had a needle today. I think I did ok (other than stalling for as long as I could to put it off, then shrieking "Get it out! GET IT OUT OF ME! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GET IT OUT OF ME RIGHT THIS SECOND!"). Yup, I did it with dignity, and grace, and was amazingly brave ... Was that a snort of disbelief I heard from Christine's direction?

So sue me. I'm afraid of needles. Terrified, actually. I don't so much care about the pain (and really, what's painful about a needle? Generally it's just a little prick) I just freak out when there's a needle in me. A metal thingy in my arm or leg. Dear god, even THINKING about it is enough to make me almost scream in terror. I seriously can't handle that feeling. Argh. What if it breaks off? It's unnatural, having something sticking in you, oh god ...

Ok, thinking about something else now ... Anything else. Anything at all.

I drove home to my parents today (before Christine tortured me), which was a pretty cool day trip. Got some good grub for lunch, hung out with mum for a while, then turned around and came back to Bendigo. :-) All good.

You know what, I think that's about it. I got nothin else! I think I might head to bed, since I go back to that 'work' thing tomorrow ... Peace out guys :-)

So, Friday was a looooong day at work. Really long. Bit busy in the afternoon, then it was dead. Got out on time, which was awesome, coz that rarely happens. Anyway, I get home to find my new license in the mail. It wasn't until then that I realised that all week, I'd been driving around with an expired license. That little piece of paper VicRoads give you just incase your new license doesn't turn up before your old one expires? Well, I'd put that safely on the fridge (so I wouldn't lose it!), meaning to put it in my wallet after my license expired ... but I forgot. Oh well, no harm, no foul!

I really thought that we were safe, that the troublemakers who had been doing crap at the kiosk were gone. But on Saturday night, two of them (they have the security footage - they are the same people from before) tried to break into the kiosk. They were chased away by Brumby's Bakery Man, and once again we've involoved the Police.

Jordyn turned 3 on Wednesday. I rang him after work. I love talking to him on the phone, he's so funny! He kept telling me about his Thomas wrapping paper (didn't care about the present inside!) so I promised I would send him (another) Thomas card! Spoilt little man!

Today and tomorrow I don't have to go to work ... Woohoo :-) I stayed up til 4 a.m. this morning reading, and I ended up falling asleep with the lights on and the book ended up on the floor ...! I didn't get up this morning until almost 11, slack slack slack!

Think I'll have a pretty quiet day today, I need to do some washing, do my dishes, vacuume the lounge, clean my bedroom, change my sheets and doona ... Or I could just sit on the couch and read, or watch a dvd ... ! :-)

Anyway, I better go have a shower, since it's almost 12, and i'm not even dressed or organised. Lazyass! :-)

Hey Little Man,

I can't believe you're three already. Three years you've been with us, hanging out, making us laugh, being such a huge part of our lives. (I know on the phone last night you tried to convince me you're four, but I'm not fallin for it, buddy! Give me back that extra year!)

I remember the day you were born. It seemed to take forever! You were pretty comfy, I guess and didn't want to move. I remember the phone call the next day from your dad, who was just over the moon. You could hear it in his voice. He was so happy.

I don't know how things went from "so happy" to abuse, kiddo. I really don't. When you were little, your dad would get up every night and give you your bottles. He would change you and bath you. Your mum used to joke that you only had eyes for daddy. But it was true. From the time you were a few months old, dad only had to walk into the room, and you'd give him your attention. When you started to walk, you followed him everywhere. You were such a great kid.

So what happened? I don't know. For so long, I thought something was wrong. I tried to get it out of your mum, I yelled at your dad ... I knew there was something not right. But I couldn't figure out what was going on ... So I left it alone. Sorry, little man. I should have tried harder, huh?

I don't know what's going to happen next ... Looks like your mum and dad are back together ... But who knows for how long. I guess all I can do is promise you that I won't stuff up again. You're my world, kiddo, and all I want is to see you happy and healthy and laughing and having 3 year old fun. I promise I'm always going to be there for you. I'll teach you heaps of cool shit, lots of stupid jokes, and spoil you ... Just coz I can :-)

Love you Jordyn.

'Rachie'

Dance without Sleeping

I would scratch out all the images
If I had the chance
Don't ask me what I'm thinking
Can't you see I only want to dance

Dance without sleeping,
I'll dance without fear
Dance without senses
No message I hear
Dance without sleeping
I'll dance til I'm numb
Dance til I think I can overcome

Melbourne Photos