I used to look at people who didnt speak to members of their own family, and wonder what had happened, how they could just not speak to someone from their own family, that they are related to. what could possibly make someone turn their back on family?
well... now I know.
the last 8 or so weeks in our family have been ... difficult, to say the least. very difficult.
it started with my brother overdosing on prescription pills (for depression). my mum and I immediately went to melbourne to stay with his girlfriend, and son, where we learnt about many things that had been going on that we had no idea about.
my brother had been violent and aggressive towards his girlfriend.
he had verbally abused her.
he had deprived my nephew of food, and imposed a routine on him (a 2 year old) that was unreasonable and bordered on neglectful.
he had, on at least 2 seperate occasions, hit him/treated him roughly enough that he caused bruising to my nephew.
there were numerous time that my nephew had been seen with brusies that my brother, as primary caregiver for my nephew, had not been able to explain how or why the bruises occured, or when he did give such an explanation, the explanation changed, depending on who he was speaking to.
the feelings that mum, I, my sister, my dad, my brothers girlfriend and my nephew have experienced in the last 8 or so weeks, have been ... turbulent. fear, when we heard that he was in hospital, having taken an overdose. anger, trying to figure out what the hell he was thinking and what he thought he was doing. grief, of a kind, at the thought of what could have happened. blame, when we realised what had been happening. guilt, because we hadn't picked up on the cues, and we *should* have. confusion, for my nephew, because his dad just disappears.
and now, I'm one of *those* people. who wont speak to a member of their own family. I have to be honest, the thought of just looking at him, makes me want to spit in his face, or hit him. because I am disgusted.
how could he treat a gorgeous, smart, amazing kid, my beautiful nephew, like that? how could he do that to his own son?
what makes a person do that? what the hell is wrong with someone that they hit, and bruise, a child?
what makes a person treat the one that they *claim* to love like they're nothing?
so, I will no longer speak to him. as far as im concerned, he does not exist. I am ashamed, so ashamed, that he is my brother. he is related to me, and he did such horrible things.
the other day, I admitted to one of my friends that my brother could die tomorrow, and I dont think that I would grieve that much. how sad is that? he's turned into such an arsehole, such a horrible person, that I would not care should something happen to him. and it's not that I'm emotional, or that I'm just saying that. I am so disgusted by the person he has turned into, that I honestly do not believe I would miss him.
how harsh is that? how much of a bitch does that make me sound? what kind of person says that?
I don't know whether I just want to hurt him, like he has hurt our family, so very, very badly, or whether I honestly don't care about him any more. I don't know. all I know is that I can't imagine a time when I will ever speak to him again. I can't imagine a situation that would make me want to speak to him.
and now, I'm one of *those* people.