Happiness. Disappointment. Sadness. Anger. Fear. Confusion. Disruption. Relaxation. Laughter. Fun. Love. Hope. Chaos. All parts of life ... Will you look back and say it was everything you hoped it would be?
Monday, December 17, 2012
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Random thoughts.
This time, while I could theoretically use a thousand words to describe the emotions of my recent experiences, it would still not really tell anyone what has happened, how I've reacted, or what I've felt. Emotions are raw. So much rawer than words can ever be. Not everything in life can be described, despite the fact that everything you experience in life can be described by the emotions you were feeling at that time.
Rape is such a simple word, but loaded with meaning. To those who have experienced this violent act,it can be a struggle to say this little word, especially when trying to describe what has happened. Personally, it was not a word that I could say, write, look at or even think in those first few weeks. To have another reminder, to have to use the word when talking about myself, was too painful, far too painful.
I have been called strong, I have been called courageous, I have been called brave, I have been called amazing, I have been called "warrior woman", I have been called a voice for other women, just because I decided to report what happened to me. While it was not an easy decision, while it was the most difficult thing I have done in my life, the truth is that I am not brave. I am not strong. I am not courageous. I am scared. I am weak. I am nothing but my worst moments, I am only really as strong as I am on my weakest days. I have times when I feel like I am strong, I am capable, I can take whatever is thrown at me ... But until I can say that the good moments outweigh the bad, then I am not strong. I am not okay.
While the reaction that I have had to reporting my rape to the police has been positive - by the few people in my life that know, anyway - I cannot help that feel so unbearably sad that it's notable and unusual that I have reported it. All the statistics say that rape is one of the most under reported crimes in the world. Estimates vary, but anywhere from 50 - 90% (or more) of rapes and sexual assaults are never reported. One book I read recently said that in Australia, it's estimated that only ONE percent of rapes are reported. One percent! One in every one hundred people who are raped report it. One percent. How did it get to this? Why do victims feel as though they cannot or should not report it? What stops those other 99 people from reporting the horrific act committed against them?
As a victim, I can think of several reasons off the top of my head without even trying – fear – fear of judgement, fear of the offender, fear of consequences following the reporting, fear that grips you so hard it feels like you can’t breathe. Fear of humiliation. Feelings of shame, embarrassment, anger, sadness, anxiety. Being unable to handle going through what happened, step by step, minute detail by minute detail.
Every victim has a different story. Every victim has a different experience. Every victim has a different reaction. Every victim has a different ending to their story. Something in our justice system needs desperately to change so that reporting a rape is not seen as brave, or unusual. It needs to be seen as the norm. As something that's expected. Something in our justice system needs to change so that every victim gets justice through the criminal system. Victims need more support, easier access to better services and help to get their lives back in order. Every victim deserves a happy ending to their story. Every victim deserves to find the happiness that they lost when they were raped.
Saturday, December 01, 2012
― Jodi Picoult, Nineteen Minutes
Love.
Help.
Rape.
Stop.
Then.”
― Jodi Picoult, The Tenth Circle
― Sarah Dessen, Just Listen
The Tenth Cirle
- Jodie Picoult.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Tonight ...
Monday, November 12, 2012
Total honesty ....
Monday, November 05, 2012
New camera ...
So, I cried. And then I mourned. And mourned some more.
Until, finally, last week, I purchased a new camera. It's not waterproof, but it is So. Damn. Cool.
I''ve been playing around with it for the last week since I purchased it ... So, here are some photos!
Sunday, October 14, 2012
I think ...
I'm terrified, so terrified, but I have never felt stronger.
Maybe it won't go anywhere, maybe nothing will come from it, maybe it'll just cause more hurt for no gain ... But I have to take the risk. I want him to be held accountable for what he did to me.
I am terrified. But I know I can do this.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Currently on holidays in gorgeous, sunny Queensland ...
Millaa Millaa Falls
Lake Eacham
Mission Beach
Mission Beach
Mamu Rainforest Canopy Walk
Tuesday, July 03, 2012
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Pocketful of Sunshine ...
Sticks and stones are never gonna shake me ...
Monday, June 25, 2012
The same thoughts ...
- I should have stopped him.
- I couldn't stop him.
- I fought as hard as I could.
- I didn't fight hard enough.
- I should have screamed louder.
- I screamed, I begged, I pleaded and it did nothing.
- What is wrong with him?
- What is wrong with me?
- How do I leave this behind me? How do I move on?
- I can't forget this. I can't move on. How can I move past it?
- I don't want to tell anyone.
- I can never tell anyone.
- I have to tell someone what he did to me.
- He's a sick fuck.
- I hate him.
- How did I get it so wrong?
- I thought I knew him.
- What happens if I see him again?
- It hurt so, so badly.
- It still hurts.
- I am sad.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
By someone I know. Someone I know hurt me, and scared me, and has changed me forever.
I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to cope with this.
Friday, June 22, 2012
Dear H***** H****,
But I've got good reason to think that you're the person who stole from my car one night as I slept.
Unluckily for you, you got caught in the same area that I live, stealing from cars, and leaving them the way that mine was left after the theft. Maybe it's a coincidence, but somehow I don't think so.
You probably don't care to know, or even think about, how devastating the theft was to me. As a uni student, to have a bag stolen from me which contained my uni diary, some assignments and paperwork, a USB with all my uni work on it, my new prescription glasses that I'd just paid $150 dollars for, and used my health insurance allowance for the year on … I can't even tell you how upsetting it was. All that stuff is useless to anyone else. There's nothing of value that you could sell. But it was so distressing to me. Knowing that I'd have to somehow find the money to replace my glasses, paying the full $300 out of pocket as I'd already used my health insurance excess – was incredibly upsetting.
I work my arse off to pay my own way in this world. I work full time and study 30+ hours a week. I get no government assistance. I usually manage to just make ends meet, and extras or luxuries aren't really an option for me. If something unexpected pops up, then I have to put in hours of overtime and hope that I can stretch the budget to make it work. Financially, it's always a struggle and although things are never easy for me, and I don't get many treats, it doesn't really bother me. I just make do.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
I have only slipped into the next room
I am I and you are you
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.
Call me by my old familiar name,
Speak to me in the easy way which you always used
Put no difference in your tone,
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household world that it always was,
Let it be spoken without effect, without the trace of shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It it the same as it ever was, there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near,
Just around the corner.
All is well. ”
Saturday, June 16, 2012
I have two assignments due on Friday, and I haven't started either of them. I'm hoping to get one of them knocked over tonight, but I don't know if that's really possible.
I've managed to put my neck out, so I've got a headache all day every day (I think it's the same one, I've named it Jim. Jim never leaves), and all I want to do is sleep. Awesome timing!
Anyway ... I should probably go and do something. Anything. Anything at all ...
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Monday, June 11, 2012
Relay for Life 2012
I'm astounded ...
So much has happened.
Work was terrible, stressful and horrible for months, but now seems to have settled down. I'm making plans for my future though, hoping to finish up full time next year, possibly staying on part time while I return to uni ... But I'm still trying to get all my ducks in a row.
I took part in my first Relay for Life this year, in February. It was an amazing night, and I truly felt that Elaine was there with us, cheering us on. I ended up with a stress fracture in my foot after walking 50+km, but it was totally worth it. I can't believe I haven't put up any photos from the night. I'll have to do that later.
I got to see Sydney for the first time in February. The social club at work did a mystery flight, and the first group, which I was in, went to Sydney. We hit the aquarium and Taronga Zoo. To get to Taronga you have to take a ferry, so I got to see the Harbour Bridge, Luna Park and the Opera House as we cruised past them. It was a long day - we left home at 4 a.m., didn't get home until midnight, but it was awesome. The only disappointing part of the day was the fact that we went exactly one week after Relay for Life - so walking all day meant that I was in pain all day. By the time we got in the car to drive home, I was fighting back tears. All in all though, it was an incredible day, filled with so much fun. I'll have to put some photos up later.
The second mystery flight group went to Brisbane, and I was lucky enough to be able to go with them too, after someone pulled out at the last minute. It meant that I got to meet up with my sister, her husband and my nephews and niece. We went to the Eumundi Markets, which is a massive town market held in (where else?) Eumundi every Wednesday and Saturday. Again, it was only two weeks out from Relay for Life, so my foot was still really painful, but we had such a relaxing day, walking slowly around, stopping here and there for rest breaks for Gimpy.
Speaking of my sister and her husband, we recently had some crappy news - G, my sisters husband has been diagnosed with bowel cancer. I know that no cancer is good, but bowel cancer is especially deadly, unless caught early enough. If it's not caught early, it's usually fatal within a couple of years. The beautiful Kristian Anderson died of this horrible disease. Thankfully, the doctors are reasonably confident that they have caught it early. G will undergo further tests this week, and surgery towards the end of the week. The doctors are confident that they may be able to remove both tumors fully in surgery.
Being thrust back into the cancer world is horrible. It's a world filled with fear and uncertainty and tears. You really have to force hope and love and laughter into this world, it doesn't come easily. I cannot wait for a world without cancer. May it happen soon.
I'm currently planning this years holiday - I have four weeks off work from mid-August to mid-September. My dad and I were meant to be doing a road trip to Queensland to see the girls, but unfortunately he's not well enough to make the trip. He's currently awaiting a knee reconstruction and spends most of his days in bed, in pain. He also recently woke up one morning to find one side of his face paralysed. After ruling out a stroke, he was diagnosed with Bells Palsy. Thankfully, his face is slowly returning back to normal, but it's a long road.
As dad is no longer coming with me, I'm now flying. Tiger Airways had a half price sale last week, so I booked a ticket to beautiful, sunny, tropical Cairns to see my sister and her family. They moved up there last year and I haven't been up there yet, so I can't wait to see their lives. I'm hoping to do a day trip out to the Great Barrier Reef on one of the boats that go out there, and maybe I'll even do some snorkeling! I'm hoping to stay either 8 or 9 days, returning just in time to head to Sydney (tickets are already booked, thanks Tiger - ($60 to get to Sydney and back!)) with a friend for a day trip for her birthday. She's never been, and so I booked tickets for a day trip as her birthday present. She'd really like to climb the Sydney Harbour Bridge, and I think that sounds like heaps of fun. Not sure whether it'll happen, it's fairly expensive to do, and it might not be possible due to health reasons (I don't know whether she'd be healthy enough to do it). But we'll wait and see what happens! We might just hit Luna Park or head to Bondi Beach for some sightseeing.
I am going to see my other sister and her family as well - the family in Brisbane, but I haven't booked tickets as yet. I'll leave that until the last minute, due to G and his cancer. I'll definitely head up there, but it depends on how he's feeling as to when I go and how long I stay.
It's only 60-something days until I'm on holidays, so the countdown is on.
Speaking of countdowns, the countdown is on to State of Origin, Game Two. It's only two sleeps away! We went to State of Origin One in Melbourne, and had an awesome night. We were lucky enough to get amazing seats - only a few rows back behind the goal posts. I took some photos, I'll have to throw them up later. For Game Two the friends I went to Game One with are coming here for dinner then we'll watch the game. For Game Three, we'll go to someone elses house for dinner and the game.
Wow ... It's now nearly 6 p.m. and I'm starting to get really hungry so I should probably get going and cook something for dinner. I'll be back .... Promise :-) And I'll make sure I don't leave it 4 months next time ;-) Hahaha.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Monday, January 30, 2012
So far away (Avenged Sevenfold)
Never shamed but never free
A light that healed the broken heart
With all that it could
Lived a life so endlessly
Saw beyond what others see
I tried to heal your broken heart
With all that I could
Will you stay?
Will you stay away forever?
How do I live without the ones I love?
Time still turns the pages of the book it's burned
Place and time always on my mind
I have so much to say but you're so far away
Plans of what our futures hold
Foolish lies of growing old
It seems we're so invincible
The truth is so cold
A final song, a last request
A perfect chapter laid to rest
Now and then I try to find
A place in my mind
Where you can stay
You can stay awake forever
How do I live without the ones I love?
Time still turns the pages of the book it's burned
Place and time always on my mind
I have so much to say but you're so far away
Sleep tight I'm not afraid (not afraid)
The ones that we love are here with me
Lay away a place for me (place for me)
'Cause as soon as I'm done I'll be on my way
To live eternally
How do I live without the ones I love?
Time still turns the pages of the book it's burned
Place and time always on my mind
And the light you left remains but it's so hard to stay
When I have so much to say and you're so far away
I love you, you were ready, the pain is strong and urges rise
But I'll see you when He let's me
Your pain is gone, your hands untied
So far away
And I need you to know
So far away
And I need you to, need you to know
Tonight ...
And I don't even think there's one particular reason for it.
If you asked me why I am sad, I don't know that I could tell you.
A combination of stuff, you know.
The feeling that I'm never going to be good enough.
No one will want me for me ... For who I really am.
One of the units I want to do at uni I can't do ... I can maybe work around that, but working around it throws up yet another challenge, and I'm not sure it's worth the hassle for one unit.
Am I ever going to get finished with uni? I should be finished by this time next year, but ... Really? Can I do it? Will I finish?
It's been 13 months and 10 days, and grief still hits me hard some days. Today, all I could think about was the last family occasion we had with you, the last real party ... And how, you won't be there for the next party. You won't be there.
I'm tired of people making excuses. There's always going to be a reason you can't, there's always going to be an excuse you can use. Why make excuses though? For gods sake, be a grown up. Take responsibility. Stop making excuses.
Well, aren't I just Mary Frigging Sunshine today ... 75% sad, 25% grumpy. I should probably go before I say something I really regret ...
Sunday, January 29, 2012
"You know how her mind works - it's like a mouse on a wheel except the wheel spins sideways and the mouse is blind and has a really bad sprained ankle."
Partly because I got woken up by a loud noise at 7 after about two hours sleep, and after going out the back to investigate, I discovered that my dogs were not in the yard because the stupid latch on the stupid gate is a bit dodgy. Going to have to replace it, I think, it seems that its rusted a bit and when the wind is kicking up, it wiggles loose.
Great start to the morning!
After putting on some pants and grabbing my keys, I headed out to find my dogs. Luckily, they hadn't wandered far and it only took two minutes.
So, I had a nap halfway through the morning and I'm kind of feeling more human, but not human enough to feel like doing anything. Not helped by the fact that I've got really bad cramps ...
So ... Monk Marathon :-) And I'm in the middle of a good book ...
I was going to organise my spare room/study today, and clean my kitchen, which desperately needs a clean ... Eh. Guess it can all wait.
Hmm ... Back to bed for more Monk, methinks ...
Friday, January 27, 2012
Virginia Wolf said ...
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Jeannie Hund
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Top 5 Regrets of the Dying
"Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness."
Check it out here.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Post title?
There's been a bit happening lately.
I have been writing ... Just not here. Mostly on scraps of paper, in my work diary, in notepads I find laying around at work ...
Work is ... Good. Kind of. *lol*
I actually feel a bit like I'm heading towards the point where I snap, and I don't know what will happen when I do. One of the managers at work is just ... Difficult. That's the only way I can think to describe him. He's a little, little man, and I usually just let him be, don't let him get to me, but lately ... Lately, he's critical and irrational, and just a general pain in the arse.
I think he's resentful of the fact that this job isn't a forever job for me. I am only there as long as it takes to finish uni, and it's like he feels pissed off by that fact. Last week, I was reading a text book in my lunch break, and he had an issue with that. I'm getting tired of the little niggly comments, the criticisms that aren't valid, the complaints about things that aren't my fault or don't have anything to do with me. So towards snapping point we head ... Everybody, take cover ...
Should have some more photos to put up at the end of the week. On Thursday I'm heading to Torquay with a friend to have a splash around, a walk on the beach, and hopefully get some good shots. I can't wait! I love the beach.
Speaking of can't wait ... I booked my holidays the other day with work. 4 weeks from mid-August to mid-September. Dad and I are heading up to Queensland to see the sisters. We're driving, of course, since the old man doesn't fly, so it'll be a looooooong trip (about 4000km), but totally worth it. I've already said the only thing I want to do/see is the Great Barrier Reef. One of the sisters is up near Cairns, and tours for the GBR leave from Cairns. I think I want to do the whole snorkeling thing, but I'm not sure yet. I don't think dad will want to go, so he can just drop me off and hang on his own for the day ... Yep, it's all planned. Now I just have to get to August ... !!!
Summer has finally arrived. It's 8:30 at night and it's still 33 degrees ... Love it.
Get my new glasses at the end of this week. Think that'll get rid of a lot of my headaches. I have to start wearing them all the time, to try and make my left eye work a little harder ... Or something (the optometrist was a little hard to understand). I'm so thankful I have private health insurance ... The first $180 was covered, and I got 2 pairs (one reading, one everyday) for $300, so effectively I paid $120 for two pairs. Score.
I've registered for Relay for Life this year, with my cousins, in memory of Elaine. The girls did it last year, but I was in Queensland, and I promised them I'd do it this year. It's next month, so I'm heading to Melbourne for the weekend. I can't wait. I know it will be emotional, but I also think it will be a lot of fun. I feel like my grief has moved again, for a while there (around the one year mark) I was very emotional and couldn't think about Elaine without crying. I went very quiet for a while there, staying to myself, not talking about it with anyone. I didn't want to look at photos, I didn't want to think of her. It was too hard. Now, I can't think of her without smiling. A lot of old memories are coming back. I can still hear her voice in my mind. On Christmas Day, all I could hear was "Merry Christmas, did the fat man visit you? Ho ho ho" I'm terrified of the day that I can't remember her voice. I know that day will come. But in the meantime, it's easier now to look at photos, to remember.
Bummer. Bernard Tomic just lost. I thought the game would be a little closer, but he gave it his best.
Anyway, I'm exhausted so I should probably head to bed ... Peace out, dude!