I don't know what the hell went wrong with my life. I don't know how I fucked up so badly. I don't know how to fix it. I don't know what I want. I don't know much, do I?
I feel like ... I have to be *happy* even though I'm so obviously not. There's a few people who know what's really going on with me, but even they don't know what I'm really thinking, how I'm really feeling. And I don't know how to tell them. I don't know why I can't say something, anything.
I guess because everyone has this perception that I can handle everything, which I clearly can't, and that's why I ended up in this situation. I have no job. I have no motivation. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know what to do next. I guess trying to deal with the way things are now is my way of trying to show people that I can still handle *something* even though, I'm failing miserably. I just can't let go and say *HELP*. Because even though I know that they would help in a heartbeat, I am too damn ... What? Stubborn? Proud? Stupid? Independent? I don't know. I guess I don't want to show how *WEAK* I really am. Because I am. I feel so weak inside, like *everything*, every single thing in my life at the moment, is too much for me to deal with. How pathetic is that? I don't have a job. I'm not at uni. I don't have any responsibilities, and yet, I *STILL* can't deal with anything! How pathetic is that! God, I don't know.
I hate that I've turned into this person, who whines about this kind of shit, because this is not me. I've never been this kind of person. I'm the one who goes from day to day, just crusing along, making people laugh, listening, each day taking another step towards who I am, and who I want to be. But, in the last few months, that's all changed, and now, I don't know who I am, or what I'm doing, or where I want to go. And I hate that. I really hate that. Because my whole world has fucked up, starting with the family stuff that happened in December, and everything has just deteriorated from there on in. I feel like it's out of control, and I don't know how to get control back. I don't even know where to start.
What should I do? Read some kind of self-help book? Damn, wouldn't it be nice if *all* the answers were that simple. I just feel like ... Why bother, you know? And I hate that too, because that's not me either! I don't just give up. If something stuffs up, if there's a problem, I fix it. It might take me a while, but I fix it. I make it ok. And I can't do that now! I don't know how. And I don't even really care that I don't know how. I just feel like staying in my house, hiding away, saying "Fine. Stay broken. Stay stuffed up. I don't give a damn".
And you know what makes me feel really shitty? The fact that every day, I check on *my* CaringBridge kids, who have real problems, who have serious problems, and I have the nerve to complain about my so-called problems. God, I don't know.
Whatever. Letting it go now. I'll deal with it tomorrow.
Anyway, speaking of the CB kids, if you have time, please check on:
*Anna (www.caringbridge.org/ok/annajane)
*The gorgeous Hunter, who has really touched my heart (she's such a cutie!) www.caringbridge.org/ma/hunter
*Matty's family, who are still trying to find their new normal (www.caringbridge.org/visit/matty)
*Grace (www.caringbridge.org/visit/gracehodges)
*Penelope, who's fighting so hard at the moment, but sadly she doesn't have much time left with her loving family (www.caringbridge.org/ny/penelope)
*Sarah, who's having a bit of a rough time after her transplant (www.caringbridge.org/visit/sarahecouncil)
*Kayla (www.caringbridge.org/visit/kayladay)
*Brandon (www.caringbridge.org/visit/brandonheather)
*Lizzie's family, who are missing her more and more (www.caringbridge.org/ne/lizziegirl)
*Rachel, who's still in hospital and having a terrible time at the moment with a lot of pain (www.caringbridge.org/mn/rachelhansen)
*Blair's family, who are also trying to adjust to a new normal after Blair became an angel last week (www.caringbridge.org/visit/blair)
*Lexi (www.caringbridge.org/visit/littletrooperlexi)
Ok, that's it from me. Don't forget, there's a list of CaringBridge links on the right hand side of this page. I'm adding some more tomorrow, when I have time to properly update them. Please check out some of the sites and leave a message of support in the guestbook if you have 5 minutes, even if it's just to say "Hi! Thinking of you!". I'm sure it helps. (** If you know of someone with a CB site and you want them added to the list, let me know, and I will add them for you :o) **)
Night guys.
*** Added at 1:45 am - Please pray for Alivia (www.caringbridge.org/visit/aliviamoore) who has had a seizure or a stroke (full details aren't yet known) I'm sure her family would really appreciate any support that was offered! ***
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