The one where I make fun of the Easter Parade.

And I'm home.

Meh.

Went to see the Easter parade. It was pretty cool. The funniest things I spotted:
* The world's ugliest drag queen on the Bendigo Gay/Lesbian/Bisexual/Transgender/Intergender Float.
* Twins, about 12 months old, dressed up in traditional chinese dress, one in black with red design, the other in red with black design, looking gorgeous ... but screaming their lungs out :o)
* A man who looked to be about 70 years old, twirling a baton, rather energetically - I was seriously concerned he was going to have some kind of stroke or heart attack
* Homer Simpson leading a band that included Shrek, who was playing the trumpet, along with a Happy feet penguin, Batman, Spiderman and The Phantom (No, I'm not kidding, it was some kind of band, all dressed up as characters)
* A group of people playing *instruments* made from old car parts - tubes, pipes, wires - all that kinda stuff. Strangely, they didn't seem to be making much noise.
* A group of middle aged men, dressed in bright green, carrying a long dragon puppet on a string, who found it hilarious to make the puppet *dance*

... Yep, it was fun ... :o)

So yeah. Got home this morning. Been doing a lot of thinking. A lot of serious thinking. Now, I'm not big on serious thinking, but I've been doing it anyway. I don't know how I got *here* to this point in my life, and I don't know how to get *there* - I don't even know where *there* is that I want to go to. And I can't figure out what got so fucked up that I forgot who I was, and where I wanted to go.
The truth is, I don't think I ever knew what I wanted. I left high school without a frickin clue about what I wanted to do at uni - all I knew was that everyone expected me to go to uni ... So I went to uni. Wasted two years doing a general Arts degree, never getting any closer to figuring what I wanted to do.
I wish now that I'd taken a year off after high school. The truth is, I barely remember my first year of uni, because I was so unhappy. I was still missing Mel so bad - I don't think it really hit me that she was gone until Feb 2002, even though she died in Sept 2001. As harsh and weird as it sounds, when she died, I couldn't deal with it - I didn't want to. So I did what I always do - I kept going. I had school, assignments, exams, the formal, year 12 end-of-school parties to worry about. Then I had work to keep me busy - picking up as many shifts as I could, doing longer hours. Then it was the Queensland trip, two weeks of forgetting everything, then it was moving for uni and getting settled. Once I moved tho, I wasn't working, and I had nothing to keep me busy ... So it really hit me.
Then I met Mike. I don't know whether that was ever real. I don't know why I believed - it was obviously one big joke, and it meant nothing ... But it meant something to me. And, what's so fucked up, is even now ... I can't let it go! God, how stupid am I. But there's still a part of me that just doesn't want to let go, doesn't want to give up, doesn't want to believe that I could have been so dumb.
So I bumbled my way through La Trobe, barely passing, before they *suggested* that I take a year off to get myself together ... Yeah, that didn't happen. Guess I still hadn't learnt my lesson, because I went straight back into studying - Griffith Uni, by correspondence. And for a while, that went ok. Before I started to doubt myself, and crash. Again.
Hmm. Might continue this later or tomorrow.