Monday, July 21, 2008

Coz I'm wondering, how you really feel ...

Not many real posts lately. Guess I've been in a funk lately. Family stuff.

You see, even though I haven't spoken to my brother in a year and a half, it seems that he hasn't changed. Even a bit. He's still the same manipulative, lying, bastard he was when I last spoke to him.

Guess I shouldn't be surprised. I mean, really, what do I expect? He's allowed to keep getting away with his behaviour. No one wants to upset him, so no one stops him. How fucked is that? I mean, really. Don't want to upset the violent alcoholic in case he gets upset and angry, so we'll just continue to let him drink as much as he likes. Hey, maybe one day we'll get up and the problem will just be gone. That would be helpful. Wow, isn't that just the best plan you've ever heard?

Wow, even pissed off, I can still do the sarcasm. Kudos to me.

I don't know. I just feel like ... Nothing has changed, you know? Meanwhile, my nephew is getting older. Understanding more. Realising that daddy scares him sometimes. Knowing that he has to be good all the time. How is that right? What the hell?

And, what's even more frustrating is that I don't know what else I can do. I've voiced my concerns. My family know exactly where I stand. I've called Department of Human Services (DHS). What more can I do? I have no options. I'm not there. I don't know when he is drunk or when he's not. Otherwise I'd be calling the cops on him. As it is, the cops say that it's a DHS matter, call them and they'll take care of it. Yeah, right. Tried that. More than once. And what happened? Fuck all.

I feel like I'm failing. When I saw Jordyn at Christmas, we were doing this thing. I was sitting on a chair, with my legs stretched out, and Jordyn was on my legs, standing up while I held his arms. He went all the way to the left, and I didn't let him fall. All the way to the right, and still, I didn't let him fall. He knew he was safe. I told him I wouldn't let anything happen to him. I feel like I'm letting him fall. And I can't stop it. I broke my promise that he'd be safe.

I don't know what to do.

1 comment:

GMan said...

I really don't have any ideas right now on how you can help but there has to be something. Just don't give up, cause without you there doesn't seem to be anyone there to care for him.