Home, sweet home.

I made it home safely.

I am exhausted - so tired I am having trouble thinking.

It may have only been 5 days, but it was exactly what I needed.

Tomorrow, it's back to work, back to reality.

I think it might be time for bed. Real update with photos soon :-)

Going to Movie World tomorrow.

I didn't even know that I wanted to go to Movie World until Tan and Gary suggested it.

Now, I'm so excited.

Really sad tonight ...

Molly

My sisters dog just started barking.

Immediately, my chest felt so tight, and I felt sick to my stomache.

This dog barking thing is stressing me out so bad.

My shadow is back ...

I have a little shadow following me around.

Everywhere I go, everywhere I turn ... Is my little niece, Gracie. She's gorgeous.

I love Queensland :-)

All the wrong in the world disappears ...

... When you have a tiny baby, curled up on your chest.

There's no feeling like it. Everything else fades away.

My beautiful baby nephew Kaleb was the distraction I needed today.

7:29

Writing helps.

I've missed this - getting out everything I'm thinking, working out how I'm really feeling.

I let the dogs out from under the house at 7. Jers and Rox just started barking at a hot air balloon. I bolted out there to try to quiet them.

You shouldn't feel terrified when a dog barks. You shouldn't be scared that some fuckwit that lives behind you will complain, or hurt them. I hate how stressed this is making me. I am trying to stop the barking. But for gods sake, they are dogs! I know it's frustrating and annoying when they bark, but it's not the end of the world.

Hang on, Jersey is barking again. Brb.


So, today I am going to Melbourne. Staying with my sister tonight, my brother tomorrow night, then going to Qld on Thursday morning.

I can't wait. I so desperately need a break.

It will be nice not to cry every single day because I'm so unhappy.

Hopefully this mini-holiday will be just what I need.

Might blog while I'm away, otherwise I'll write when I get back. I better get going, I want to walk the dogs before I go, then get myself organised and head off.

ANZAC Day

They shall not grow old, as we that are left grow old
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun, and in the morning
We will remember them.

Lest we forget.

So, the neighbours complained about the dog again.

Apparently not last night but the night before, my dog barked "all night".

It's the same neighbours who complained about her barking during the day.

I personally find it hard to believe that she barked all night. None of our dogs bark at night. If they do, it's rarely for more than a minute at a time.

However, neither my housemate or I were home, so I guess it's possible.

So, where to now?

I guess I'll try something else. The stop-barking collar doesn't seem to be working, so I'll try plan B.

If that doesn't work then I'll try something else.

What really upsets me is that the neighbour came up here yesterday and yelled at my housemate. He said that if the dog doesn't stop barking, then "he'll take care of it". What kind of 50 year old man threatens a 27 year old girl and a dog? He's a fucking coward, obviously. So help me god, if he goes for my dog then he will regret it. I will bring the police in if he even so much frowns at her - or at us.

So, after being in tears for almost two hours last night, (no, I'm not kidding, I was almost hysterical - I just could not stop crying. I was gasping for air at some points, but I couldn't calm myself down) I made a decision. I'm not living like this.

I refuse to do this anymore.

I will not live like this - so, so desperately unhappy that I am crying every single day, and crying myself to sleep most nights.

What kind of life is that?

So, I am going to my my housemate a letter. Before I go away tomorrow, I will leave it on the bench, for her to read and think about while I'm away.

I can't live like this any more.

I refuse to feel like I don't belong here any longer. This is my home. I know I don't own the house, I don't pay the mortgage ... But I do pay rent. I do live here. It is my home. I don't want to dread coming home after work. Yesterday, after work, I got home and went straight into my room because I started crying on the drive home.

I am not great at talking. I don't like talking to someone if I think I'm going to upset them. So I think that writing is the best way. This way, I can say exactly what I think, and feel, and take my time and think about it first.

Ok, so I have a plan. It's going to be ok. It's going to be ok.

Great start to the day ... It's not even 9 a.m. and I'm crying.

Just got home from Kerang, where I've been for the last couple of days.

The stuff that I left in the bathroom, and in the lounge ... Just little bits and pieces ... Has all been put in my room.

I know my housemate is probably only trying to clean up, but it makes me feel like I don't belong here.

This isn't my house, so I can't have my stuff out.

Like I'm not wanted, neither is my stuff.

It hurts so much more, because my housemates stuff is still all over the kitchen table.

I know this is her house. I know she wants me to move out. But it hurts to know that I'm not wanted, to know that I don't belong here anymore.

I wish I could stop crying. I have to be at work in an hour.

Miss you, Bucks.

Tomorrow is Good Friday.

Two years ago, on Good Friday, this happened.

RIP Buckley. I still miss you, buddy.

I think I need to write some stuff out, get it out of my head ... I feel like here is the only place that I can come, be honest, and just say whatever I'm thinking ... Go the blog :-) ...

I feel anxious all the time.

This is my home, but it doesn't feel like it any more. I feel like I'm not wanted, like I don't belong.

Like this is just somewhere that I'm staying, like the sooner I'm gone the better.

I know that's probably silly, I know that my housemate probably doesn't mean to make me feel like that, probably doesn't even realise that's how I feel ... But that is the way that I feel. I can't help it.

I feel so anxious, all the time. I feel sick in my tummy. Even when I'm at work, and I think about home, my tummy starts churning, and I feel like throwing up.

Every time I leave something on the bench or the kitchen table, my housemate puts it straight in my room. It makes me feel like this isn't my home, I can't leave my stuff around.

I know this isn't my house. I don't own it. My housemate does. But, until a few weeks ago, it was my home.

Now it doesn't even feel like my home.

Tonight, I can't stop crying.

I feel so, so desperately unhappy.

A couple of weeks ago, my housemate told me that she wants to live alone next year.

I was fine with that, I'm wanting to live on my own again anyway.

But still. I feel like I don't belong here anymore. Like I'm not wanted in my own home.

Today, the neighbour made a complaint about my dog.

She's a dog. She barks.

She barks during the day, not at night.

My neightbour had a "headache" and the barking bothered her.

What the fuck am I meant to do about it?

If my dog was barking at night, I would do something about it.

But she's a dog. She barks. It's what they do.

SHE IS A DOG. SHE'S GOING TO BARK.

She has to realise that there are noises during the day. I can't keep the dogs quiet.

I just feel like everyone's is against me tonight. And I know that's stupid, but I can't help it. I can't help the tears. The tears that won't stop coming.

So, it has been almost 4 months since we said goodbye.

Tonight, I am watching our boys play Richmond. We are winning, of course.

All I can think is ...

If only you were still here, you'd be there to watch the game live ...

If only.

If only you were still here, you'd be cheering the loudest, making the most noise for the black and white ...

If only.

If only you were still here, you'd be in all your Collingwood gear, just like I am tonight ...

If only.

Life has moved on. So much has changed since we lost you.

If only you were still here, you could meet your new grand-nephew. I know you'd be the first one there for a cuddle.

If only.

If only you were still here, you could get to know the sisters better. I'm going to Queensland again at the end of the month, you know.

If only.

If only you were still here ...

If only.

One week and three days until I go on holidays.

I can't freaking wait.

There's so much sadness and stress around ... The devestating floods and the damage that has been done to my hometown ... Still struggling with the loss of Aunty E ... Work has been difficult lately .... That I just can't wait to get away for a bit.

I know escaping from reality and taking off for QLD probably isn't the best way to deal with things ... But I don't care! I need a break, and I think that it'll be awesome ....

One week and three days .... Woo hoo!

Please ...

Please pray for those currently affected by the Victorian flood crisis.

My home town will be one of the hardest hit.

My mum and dad are waiting patiently to see whether they need to evacuate and whether their house will be safe.

Even if they don't evacuate, the town will be cut off for at least 3 days.

Please pray for all those people affected. So many people have lost everything they own. It's going to take a lot to come back from all this damage.

16 Sleeps.

I feel like the last few months have changed me.

I've always known that you only get one shot at life. Now I really get it.

I now refuse to get upset over the small shit.

I'm now doing what I want. Why shouldn't I do what makes me happy?

In 16 sleeps, I'm going on my first real holiday in almost 10 years! I've had time off work - "holidays" - but I never go further than Melbourne to visit my sister and brother.

So I'm going to Queensland.

The travel agency I organised the trip through stuffed up pretty much everything. I got stressed .... Then I realised that there's no point to getting upset. Bottom line is, I'm on a flight to Brisbane, and a flight home to Melbourne ... Everything else I can deal with.

Today, I purchased a Kobo. I've wanted on for a while, especially now that I'm going on holidays. I read a lot. I had like, eight books that I wanted to take with me to Queensland. But I know I probably can't take them all ... I only get 23kg of checked luggage! Also, I wasn't going to get one because I just didn't want to spend so much money on an ereader. Today I decided why the hell shouldn't I get one? I'll use it - I've already got several ebooks on my computer. I work my arse off not only so I can pay bills, but so I can buy myself little treats. So what if it means I can't put as much in my savings this fortnight?

Thank you, Aunty E ... For showing me what life is really about. You never let the little stuff get to you. You were always laughing and smiling. You went on holidays, you went out and really lived life. Even towards the end, you were still smiling, still full of love and fun. I know I shouldn't try to be like anyone else, I should always be an individual ... But I want to be more like you. And guess what? I'm already planning my next holiday. Miss you so much, learning to live without you in my life sucks ... But I'm doing ok.

It's been 20 days since you left us.

It feels like a lifetime since we had to say goodbye.

It feels like we just lost you yesterday.

It hurts me so much knowing that we have a lifetime ahead without you.

I miss you.

I miss you ... So very, very much.