I am exhausted tonight.

 

I'm back to not sleeping very well, for some reason. I'm not really sure what's going on.

 

The nightmares are much better, most nights I can sleep with *only* a nightlight, as opposed to sleeping with the bedroom light on ...

 

But the last few nights have not been great. I think I'm averaging about four hours sleep, interrupted.

 

I'm hanging out for the Christmas break. My office shuts down for a week and a half, and I cannot wait.

 

To have no responsibilities, to have no workload, to have a desperately needed break ... I can't wait. Mostly, though, I cannot wait for 2012 to be over. Done. Gone. Time to start fresh for 2013, and leave the horror that was this year behind.

 

I'm slightly disappointed in 2013 already, though. I thought I would be graduating, I thought my degree would be finished in Feb 2013 ... But it wasn't to be, obviously. One of my final subjects I cannot take until June next year ... So I cannot graduate until 2014.

 

Disappointing, but I guess everything happens for a reason. Maybe the reason I'm not able to graduate is because there are bigger, better, more important things waiting for me in 2013. I can't help thinking that maybe this is a sign - maybe the reason I can't graduate/shouldn't graduate is because I'll have bigger things to worry about - like a rape trial ... ?

 

I really should try to get some sleep - I don't know how successful I'll be, but I've got a feeling that tomorrow - like the rest of this week at work - is going to be incredibly busy and stressful, and turning up having only had a couple of hours sleep is probably not a good idea.  

 

 

Random thoughts.

The last few months have been the most difficult that I have ever experienced.

 

I would honestly struggle to find the words to explain what I've experienced and how everything that I've been through has made me feel, and affected me, which is unusual for me, because even though I'm not a big talker, I can always find the words to express myself when I write ... Not this time though.

This time, while I could theoretically use a thousand words to describe the emotions of my recent experiences, it would still not really tell anyone what has happened, how I've reacted, or what I've felt. Emotions are raw. So much rawer than words can ever be. Not everything in life can be described, despite the fact that everything you experience in life can be described by the emotions you were feeling at that time.


Rape is such a simple word, but loaded with meaning. To those who have experienced this violent act,it can be a struggle to say this little word, especially when trying to describe what has happened. Personally, it was not a word that I could say, write, look at or even think in those first few weeks. To have another reminder, to have to use the word when talking about myself, was too painful, far too painful.


I have been called strong, I have been called courageous, I have been called brave, I have been called amazing, I have been called "warrior woman", I have been called a voice for other women, just because I decided to report what happened to me. While it was not an easy decision, while it was the most difficult thing I have done in my life, the truth is that I am not brave. I am not strong. I am not courageous. I am scared. I am weak. I am nothing but my worst moments, I am only really as strong as I am on my weakest days. I have times when I feel like I am strong, I am capable, I can take whatever is thrown at me ... But until I can say that the good moments outweigh the bad, then I am not strong. I am not okay.


While the reaction that I have had to reporting my rape to the police has been positive - by the few people in my life that know, anyway - I cannot help that feel so unbearably sad that it's notable and unusual that I have reported it. All the statistics say that rape is one of the most under reported crimes in the world. Estimates vary, but anywhere from 50 - 90% (or more) of rapes and sexual assaults are never reported. One book I read recently said that in Australia, it's estimated that only ONE percent of rapes are reported. One percent! One in every one hundred people who are raped report it. One percent. How did it get to this? Why do victims feel as though they cannot or should not report it? What stops those other 99 people from reporting the horrific act committed against them?


As a victim, I can think of several reasons off the top of my head without even trying – fear – fear of judgement, fear of the offender, fear of consequences following the reporting, fear that grips you so hard it feels like you can’t breathe. Fear of humiliation. Feelings of shame, embarrassment, anger, sadness, anxiety. Being unable to handle going through what happened, step by step, minute detail by minute detail.


Every victim has a different story. Every victim has a different experience. Every victim has a different reaction. Every victim has a different ending to their story. Something in our justice system needs desperately to change so that reporting a rape is not seen as brave, or unusual. It needs to be seen as the norm. As something that's expected. Something in our justice system needs to change so that every victim gets justice through the criminal system. Victims need more support, easier access to better services and help to get their lives back in order. Every victim deserves a happy ending to their story. Every victim deserves to find the happiness that they lost when they were raped.

“Do you know how there are moments when the world moves so slowly you can feel your bones shifting, your mind tumbling? When you think that no matter what happens to you for the rest of your life, you will remember every last detail of that one minute forever?”
― Jodi Picoult, Nineteen Minutes

“She knew all sorts of four letter words now; they just weren't the ones that most people considered foul language.
Love.
Help.
Rape.
Stop.
Then.”


― Jodi Picoult, The Tenth Circle

“I'd still thought that everything I thought about that night - the shame, the fear - would fade in time. But that hadn't happened. Instead, the things that I remembered, these little details, seemed to grow stronger, to the point where I could feel their weight in my chest.”

― Sarah Dessen, Just Listen

 

 

“Rape is a crime against sleep and memory; it's after image imprints itself like an irreversible negative from the camera obscure of dreams. Though their bodies would heal, their souls had sustained a damage beyond compensation” 

― Pat Conroy, The Prince of Tides

 

 

 

“I just want to sleep. A coma would be nice. Or amnesia. Anything, just to get rid of this, these thoughts, whispers in my mind. Did he rape my head, too?” 

― Laurie Halse Anderson, Speak

 

 

 

“Now, should we treat women as independent agents, responsible for themselves? Of course. But being responsible has nothing to do with being raped. Women don’t get raped because they were drinking or took drugs. Women do not get raped because they weren’t careful enough. Women get raped because someone raped them.” 

― Jessica Valenti, The Purity Myth: How America's Obsession with Virginity is Hurting Young Women

 

 

The Tenth Cirle

"The thing that most people didn't understand ... Was that a rape victim and a victim of a fatal accident were both gone, forever. The difference was that the rape victim still had to go through the motions of being alive."

- Jodie Picoult.

Tonight ...

I'm in a funk. 

Tonight, I can't find happiness in the world. 

Tonight, I just don't care. 

I have two exams to study for, and three assignments to do, but I just can't be bothered. 

I'm so unhappy. 

I feel so broken, so fucked up, so sad. 

I know he only has as much power as I give him, but it doesn't feel that way tonight. 

Tonight it feels like he's taken so much from me, so much that I'll never get back. 

I will never be the same person I was before he raped me. 

Tonight, it feels like he's taken my education on top of everything else he took from me that night. 

And I should fight, I should try to fight this funk, this sadness ... 

But I can't. 

I just don't care. 

Total honesty ....

Letter written to a friend tonight, that I think sums up where I am at now ...

 

 

Hi B****,

Your point of view - if it happened to someone I love, how would I feel? Would I want her to blame herself - is the way I think when I am thinking rationally. If someone had done something similar to one of my nieces, I'd want to rip his balls off and stab him. I would be so angry at the bastard who hurt her. I would be doing every thing in my power to show her that women get raped because men rape them. Not because they drink, or because they wear short skirts, or because they aren't "careful". Women get raped because some men are bastards, and all the shame and blame and guilt lies with the rapist.

But knowing that, and believing that are two completely different things after you've been raped. On my rational days, I know it's all on him. His fault. Nothing I did caused it. I didn't drink, get high, dress provocatively, I didn't "ask for it" - but even if I had, it still would not have been ok for him to do what he did. On my rational days, I know I have nothing to be ashamed of, that I was raped because he raped me and that was not my fault, in any way.

But there are days, or nights when the doubt creeps in. I met him last year when he did some work on my house, and re-met him in June this year on a dating site. On my bad days I think that if I wasn't so pathetic, if I had more self respect for myself, if I wasn't so desperate I would not have gotten myself in that situation. If I wasn't so willing to be used, knowing full well that he probably just wanted to use me for sex. My fault. My fault for being a pushover. For not having a backbone. For being a doormat. For not having any self respect for myself. I got what I deserved. That's what I think on a bad day. And I know thinking like that gives him the power, thinking like that means that he wins - but sometimes I can't help it.

I didn't report it at the time. He was angry when he raped me. It was the first time that I'd seen that side of him, and I was terrified of making him angry again by reporting it. I was so, so frightened. He also sort of started stalking me - showing up at my work, at my house late at night ... It was scary. I thought if I ignored it, ignored him, I could forget what happened. But it doesn't work like that.

So about four weeks ago, I started to think about reporting it. I know nothing will probably come of it - it's my word against his. But mud sticks. It'll get around. Oh, did you hear? Corey was interviewed about a rape. So I don't particularly care if it doesn't go to court. I spent three god-awful hours telling my story, giving my statement. And i lived through it. And by doing that, it's going to cause a tiny fraction of hell for him, because they will interview him. It will be nothing compared to the pain and hell I've been through, but hopefully his life is made a little uncomfortable because I had the courage to stand up.

On my strong days, I can cope well. I feel like I can face whatever is thrown at me. On my strong days, I know none of this is on me. Not my fault, not deserved in any way. On my strong days, I feel like I’m the winner. I’m the winner because I’m a goddamn survivor and he’s a pathetic little nothing. On my strong days I realise how strong I really am. I survived the horror of that night. I lived through what he did to me. On my strong days I can smile and feel like I’m finally getting my spark back. After the rape, my sister almost broke my heart when she told me that I’d lost my spark. It made me cry and cry. On my strong days, I feel like I might be finding that spark again. I know I will never be the same person I was before, but that’s ok. On my strong days, I know I’ll get through this.

On my strong days, like today, I can talk. I can talk about it, knowing that takes the power away from it, from what was done to me, knowing that by talking I’m taking away the shame and the stigma, and I’m showing my strength, my courage. On my strong days, I’m a survivor. On my weak days, on my bad days, I’m a victim.

Today’s a good day. Today I do feel strong, which is why I’m talking so much (sorry!). But I still have a lot of bad days, bad nights, Anxiety. Flashbacks. Nightmares. Panic attacks. Night terrors. Some nights I have to sleep with the light on! 29 and sleeping with the light on. Bit sad, really! I’m better than I was. So much better. Last night was bad, but it was the first bad night I’ve had for a while. The day after a bad night, I have to force myself to feel strong. I have to force myself to talk, to take the shame and blame away from me. I have to force myself to say, I am not ashamed. I will take a stand. It’s not always easy. But fuck him. He’s already taken so much from me, He doesn’t get any more. He doesn’t get anything else.

As for your comment in the first email from today - god I have probably just completely fucked up writing to you :( - not even close. Your beauty and humor and personality and passion shine through in your writing. Thank you so very much for writing to me, and for taking the time to listen. Thank you for your kind words, your style of writing, and again, for listening.

As for whether he is still stalking me – no, he’s not. I work in a male dominated work place, and I have told a few of the guys I work closely with in case he comes in again, but since I went on holidays August/September, he seems to have lost interest. He turned up at my place on a Saturday night (at 10:30 p.m,) just before I went on holidays, wanting to “talk”. That’s when I realised how pathetic he is. It was like he was fucking with my mind, just trying to get a reaction from me. The fact that I was able to stay strong and not give in – not show any reaction, any anger, any weakness – I think that’s why he lost interest.

Coincidentally, maybe ironically, I was walking to work last Thursday morning, after I spent three and a half hours going through every detail of that awful night the night before at the Police station, and he drove past me, twice. My legs went really shaky, my brain was screaming danger, and I felt like I was going to throw up, but then I started to smile. He doesn’t know they’re coming for him. He thinks I’m too much of a doormat, that he got away with it. Nothing about his life was changed that night, where as every single part of my life was changed. I let him get away with that. I let him hurt me, and I stood there and let him get away with it. The things that he did, that I flash back to twenty or thirty times a day, are things that he probably does not even think about. He probably doesn’t even think about how he hurt me, made me bleed, made me beg and cry and scream for him to stop. It’s not constantly in his mind.

But soon it will be. And like I said, maybe it won’t go anywhere, maybe it won’t lead to court, but somewhere along the line, somehow, he will pay. He will get what’s coming to him. He’ll get what he deserves.

Ok, so very sorry this is so long! Will talk again soon.  

New camera ...

So, while on holidays in beautiful, sunny Queensland, I visited the Great Barrier Reef. Had an incredible, amazing day, saw some incredible, amazing things ... And while snorkelling, dropped my camera, and could not find it again. Gone. Bright pink, waterproof, spent 45+ minutes looking for it with my two nephews ... And it was gone.
So, I cried. And then I mourned. And mourned some more.
Until, finally, last week, I purchased a new camera. It's not waterproof, but it is So. Damn. Cool.
I''ve been playing around with it for the last week since I purchased it ... So, here are some photos!

 

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along."

Eleanor Roosevelt

I think ...

That I am ready to report what happened to me to the Police.

I'm terrified, so terrified, but I have never felt stronger.

Maybe it won't go anywhere, maybe nothing will come from it, maybe it'll just cause more hurt for no gain ... But I have to take the risk. I want him to be held accountable for what he did to me.

I am terrified. But I know I can do this.

Currently on holidays in gorgeous, sunny Queensland ...

Home in a couple of weeks ... Until then, some of the best photos from my trip so far ...

 

Josephine Falls

                                                 Millaa Millaa Falls

                                                        Lake Eacham

                                                   Mission Beach

                                                   Mission Beach

                                                Mamu Rainforest Canopy Walk

I'm struggling today.

 

I don't know why.

 

Possibly because I go back to the nurse thi afternoon for more tests.

 

Another reminder of this frigging nightmare.

 

I just want it to end.

 

 

Pocketful of Sunshine ...

Do what you want but you're never gonna break me

Sticks and stones are never gonna shake me ...

I've done so much writing over the last few days. Writing when I'm at work, meant to be working. How can I work? I can't focus on anything at the moment. Writing is the only thing that lets some of my feelings out.

 

Today has been a better day. So far. It's only 10:15 though, so I guess I shouldn't get my hopes up too high yet.

But the day didn't start in tears, so that's something.

 

I told my mum last night.

 

Her response? "I hope you learn from your mistakes. He obviously didn't think very much of you."

 

Way to make me feel like this is my fault, mum.

Way to make me feel like I deserved this, like I should have seen this coming.

 

This was not my fault.

I did not do anything to deserve this.

I could not have seen this coming,

I had no idea what sort of person he was.

I could not have predicted what was going to happen.

It was not my fault that I did not see what he was really like.

 

THIS WAS NOT MY FAULT.

THIS WAS NOT MY FUCKING FAULT.

 

 

I am not strong enough to go to the Police.

I am not strong enough to open my mouth and talk about it.

I am not strong enough to accept what happened to me the other night.

I am not strong enough to face this yet.

I am not strong enough to re-live it every minute of every day, but I do not know how to stop.

 

What does it say about you? That you have to rape to get yourself off?

What does it say about you? That you listened to me begging and pleading and screaming for you to stop, and you just kept going?

What does it say about you? That you mocked me afterwards, after you'd dragged me to the shower.

What does it say about you?

 

This was not my fault.

I did not do anything to cause this.

I did not do anything to desere this.

This was not my fault.

 

The same thoughts ...

The same thoughts ... Keep going around and around in my head. Over and over again.

 

-          I should have stopped him.

-          I couldn't stop him.

-          I fought as hard as I could.

-          I didn't fight hard enough.

-          I should have screamed louder.

-          I screamed, I begged, I pleaded and it did nothing.

-          What is wrong with him?

-          What is wrong with me?

-          How do I leave this behind me? How do I move on?

-          I can't forget this. I can't move on. How can I move past it?

-          I don't want to tell anyone.

-          I can never tell anyone.

-          I have to tell someone what he did to me.

-          He's a sick fuck.

-          I hate him.

-          How did I get it so wrong?

-          I thought I knew him.

-          What happens if I see him again?

-          It hurt so, so badly.

-          It still hurts.

 

 

-          I am sad.

I don't understand how I go to work tomorrow and act like last night never happened. I don't understand how i am meant to smile like it wasn't terrifying and so traumatic. I can't get the sound of my own begging and screaming and crying out of my head. I can't ever imagine having the courage to tell those I know. I can't imagine saying to someone, "I was ... He hurt me". I still can't write exactly what he did. I can't even think it. He hurt me. He hurt me. I don't know where I go from here. Stuck in this nightmare, and I don't know where I go to from here

I have these thoughts, all these thoughts, swirling around in my head, and I'm too terrified to say them out loud, and I don't even know if I can write them, I can't let them out of my head because then it makes what happened last night real, then it means I have to deal with it, and I don't know if I'm strong enough to do that. I don't know if I'm strong enough to cope with what happened to me last night.

By someone I know. Someone I know hurt me, and scared me, and has changed me forever.

I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to cope with this.

Dear H***** H****,

 

You don't know me. You've never met me, and I hope for your sake that you never do.

But I've got good reason to think that you're the person who stole from my car one night as I slept.

Unluckily for you, you got caught in the same area that I live, stealing from cars, and leaving them the way that mine was left after the theft. Maybe it's a coincidence, but somehow I don't think so.

You probably don't care to know, or even think about, how devastating the theft was to me. As a uni student, to have a bag stolen from me which contained my uni diary, some assignments and paperwork, a USB with all my uni work on it, my new prescription glasses that I'd just paid $150 dollars for, and used my health insurance allowance for the year on … I can't even tell you how upsetting it was. All that stuff is useless to anyone else. There's nothing of value that you could sell. But it was so distressing to me. Knowing that I'd have to somehow find the money to replace my glasses, paying the full $300 out of pocket as I'd already used my health insurance excess – was incredibly upsetting.

I work my arse off to pay my own way in this world. I work full time and study 30+ hours a week. I get no government assistance. I usually manage to just make ends meet, and extras or luxuries aren't really an option for me. If something unexpected pops up, then I have to put in hours of overtime and hope that I can stretch the budget to make it work. Financially, it's always a struggle and although things are never easy for me, and I don't get many treats, it doesn't really bother me. I just make do.

I know that your lawyer will argue that you've had a bad childhood, or that your drug addiction is to blame for any offending, or that it's not *really* your fault that you did those bad things … But my greatest wish is that one day, you'll grow up, and one day, you'll realise the hurt and stress and upset that you've caused … One day, you'll turn into a mature, normal, law-abiding human … And when that happens, then I hope that you feel guilty. I hope that you feel ashamed. I hope that you're disgusted in yourself for all the hurt that you've caused. I hope that for every day for the rest of your life, you wake up feeling ashamed, feeling terribly guilty for the sadness and distress that your actions caused. Because at the end of the day, Harley, you can't blame anyone but yourself. You can make all the excuses you want, blame the drugs or whatever else you think will make a judge feel sorry for you …

 

But at the end of the day, it's all on you.

 

You did it.

 

I won't hold my breath waiting for an apology, but look me up if you ever do want to make amends for what you've done.

 

Sincerely,

One of your many victims.

“Death is nothing at all,
I have only slipped into the next room
I am I and you are you
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.
Call me by my old familiar name,
Speak to me in the easy way which you always used
Put no difference in your tone,
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household world that it always was,
Let it be spoken without effect, without the trace of shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It it the same as it ever was, there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near,
Just around the corner.
All is well. ”

 

 ― Henry Scott Holland