Sometimes its so hard.
It’s so fucking hard to remain positive, to keep going when everything is so fucking discouraging.
It’s so hard to pick yourself up time and time again; knowing that you’re just going to get knocked over again, because that’s the way the world is going for you at the moment.
Financially, the rape has killed me. I have missed, and continue to miss, a lot of work because of what happened. When I had a housemate, I had someone to help share the load. Now that she is gone, and I’m alone, I have no one to help out. I really don’t want to get another housemate in, simply because there are nights where I have nightmares, there are nights when I feel so upset about what happened all I can do is cry. Who wants someone to see them like that? There are days when I get home from work, and I just want to be alone. I can’t handle having anyone near me.
Today, I got notice that my rent is being increased. $20 a fortnight. Doesn’t sound like much until you realise that I just got paid yesterday, and I have $16 left in the bank to last me the fortnight. I don’t know how I’m going to make it work. I either have to stop going to counselling – every week I miss four hours work on a Monday to attend counselling, so I’m missing a full day at work every fortnight, all unpaid – and manage without that release of talking to my counsellor, or I have to figure out some other way to make things work.
I’m so fucking exhausted. I’ve had enough of trying to figure everything out, of having to deal with everything on my own. Of having to find a solution to every single fucking problem that comes at me.
I hate being negative. I’m always an optimist. I’m always a positive person. I roll with the punches. I’ve done it this whole time, and everything that has been thrown at me, I’ve taken it in stride, and just kept moving. But now ... I don’t know how much longer I can do it. I feel like I’m reaching the end of my rope. I can’t handle much more. I need something to hold on to, something positive, something helpful or happy to keep me going.
Because tonight, I’m really struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel.