Go The Cats!

In case you haven't heard, or have been in a coma, or under a rock all day ...

GEELONG WON THE GRAND FINAL!

Now, we all know that I'm full of black and white blood. It has always been, and will always be, Collingwood for me. They are *da bomb* as far as I'm concerned.

Last week's loss to Geelong was very upsetting. Five freaking points! One more goal and we would have been there today, playing in the final game of the season, going for the holy grail in football. One more freaking goal!

[No, I'm not dwelling on the loss, why do you ask?!]

But even though we lost, we lost to a terrific team. We put up one hell of a fight, and Geelong were better on the night. To be honest, I wasn't completely disappointed, as my mum is a Cats fan, and I was happy for her that her Cats made it into the Grand Final.

[Not as happy as I would have been had Collingwood been in the GF, but happy nonetheless!]

I never doubted for a second that Geelong would kick some Port Adelaide arse! They've played well all year, and I knew they could do it. They're a terrific team, who just dominate the game. Speaking of dominating, they certainly did that today! Who would have thought they'd win by such a huge margin?! 119 points!

I rang my mum when I got home from work. How did she answer the phone? No hello ... ! "Go the Cats!!!" she yelled. She was sooo happy :-) It's been 44 years since the Cats won a premiership, and my mum's 45, so she's never had the thrill of winning footy's holy grail! I reminded her of the '95 Grand Final that Geelong made it into. Mum had to work that day, so the night before we put up balloons and streamers all over the house ... Then Geelong lost so we had to get them all down before she got home from work! *lol* Thankfully, today had a happier ending for all Cats fans!

So now, that's it. No more footy until next year ... :-( The end of the season is always kind of a bummer, because you know it's going to be *months* before you see another game. I am looking foward to the NRL Grand Final tomorrow night, I like a good game of rugby, and I can't wait to sit down and watch it. I'm tipping Melbourne, I really hope that they can get up over Manly. I can't believe Manly are in the GF!?! *lol* A couple of seasons ago, they were on the bottom of the ladder, the joke of the competition. And this year, they've made it to the last game. Surely Melbourne can beat them ...?! GO THE STORM!

Conversations from my week.

Overheard at Safeway last night:
Man: Noah, stop chasing Emmy ... Noah, I said stop.
Noah: I'm not chasing her, she's chasing me!

Ahh, I love kid-logic.


This morning when I got to work, I was greeted by Chris:
Chris: Hey blossom, what's squeaking?


On Wednesday night:
Christine: Well, if it all goes badly ... I've got bail money.


Also on Wednesday night:
Christine: You gave me sperm germs!
Me: Dude, that's not even possible. You're gross!
Christine: Nuh-uh ... You are!


My sister rang last night to tell me the latest news. She's painted my niece's room pink and purple. Also, my niece has started throwing blocks at people.
Christine (on hearing about Amber's room being painted): Some people should not be allowed to reproduce. What is she thinking??!
Me: Maybe Amber's throwing blocks because she's pissed about living in a pink and purple room.

Are you smarter than a 5th grader?

My feet hurt ...

I'm seriously concerned about my job :-S The kiosk isn't doing too well. We need more people to, you know, buy stuff. That'd be good. Heather's getting discouraged, which makes me wonder how much longer I'm going to have my job.

Eh, I don't know.

I don't really have much to write about tonight. I'm so boring :-) Work was fairly quiet today. Hope tomorrow is busier.

Trying to find something to write about, but it's like my brain just died on me :-) *lol* Kinda sad, really. Chrissie and I went out and got Macca's for dinner tonight, then watched 'Thank God You're Here' (friggin hilarious :-)) and then the new show with Rove - Are you smarter than a 5th grader? We didn't do too badly, but turns out we aren't ... The question about John Howard stumped both of us *lol* I was so sure he was elected in 1995! Christine had no idea (she doesn't pay attention to politics). It was fun.

I really need to work on speaking up more. Saying if I like something or I don't like something ... If something is bad. I shouldn't be such a freaking doormat!

Anyway, guys. I'm out. Peace, love and laughter.

Arthritis. At 24.

Hey guys.

What's up? How we all doing?

I had yesterday and today off work. Yesterday, Ang, Ryan, Chrissie and I all went out for lunch. Ryan threw most of his food on the floor and at us, but we all had a great time :-)
Today Chrissie and I went to La Porchetta for lunch. Beautiful day outside, so we sat in the sun. We were both starving since it was a late lunch (almost 2 p.m.). I got about half way through my parma when I found ... A hair.
Needless to say, I lost my appetite ... :-S The waitress offered to bring me something else, but I declined the offer.

Had an appointment with the chiropractor this afternoon, to find out what my spinal xrays showed ... Nothing good, unfortunately. I have arthritis on my spinal cord and neck ... And the spaces in my spinal cord where the nerves are, are closing up, and cutting off the nerves ... :-(
It was actually really depressing ... I'm 24. 24!
Some of the damage can be undone by regular visits to the chiropractor - 3 times a week for a month, then twice a week for a month, then once a week for six weeks - but the arthritis is probably there for good.

I'm kinda scared. For a couple of reasons:
- How am I going to afford to go to the chiropractor 3 times a week for a month? That comes out at $140 a week/$560 (? I think ... Never much good at maths) a month. I know I'm working full time, but I've also got bills and rent and a car to pay for ... :-S
- Am I going to end up like my parents? I know that a lot of this is genetic. Mum and dad both have bad backs - dad's back has been operated on twice, mum's had one operation on her back. I've seen the pain they live with ... I really don't want to end up like that :-S

Went for a massive long walk today, haven't done that in a while. Used to do it all the time when I wasn't working, but since I've been at Sweet Explosions I haven't had the energy!

I really need to lose some weight. Being this fat (Sorry, Dan ... But it's true!) probably isn't helping.

I really need to do something about my hayfever as well ... Not being able to breathe isn't as much fun as it sounds ... :-P

Ahh, I'm Little-Miss-Whinge-Alot tonight ... Guess I'm kinda depressed still. Might take off. Have a good night, guys.

So. Freaking. Tired.

Friday I worked 9 -7:30. 10 and a half hours, most of the time on my own since Sylvia called in sick. Finished work and headed to Ang and Vinces to babysit Ryan. Got there to find Ryan rolling around on the floor, crying to himself! *lol* He was soooo tired, but he was sulking because Ang and Vince weren't home. Managed to calm Ryan down, and we sat watching to footy for a while before I made the *big* mistake of trying to put Ryan into his cot ... Dude, did he scream! And cry and scream ... So I got him calmed down again while we watched some more footy. Finally managed to Ryan asleep and into his cot ... Only for him to wake up an hour later ...! :o) Ahh, kids are great, aren't they?! :-P

The football on Friday night ... I don't want to speak about it. The less said the better. It still hurts! One goal and we'd be in the grand final ...

One goal.

Worked 9 - 5:30 yesterday, I actually finished early for once :o) You cannot imagine how happy I was! I got home, changed, had a little sit down on the couch for a while, and then "Dan" (named changed to protect the innocent) got here.

Guys (you know who you are), you would be disgusted with me. I went to our place of worship and didn't even finish my parma! I know, what a disgrace!! *lol* That's how tired I was!

~*~

So much to blog about, so many things that have happened this week that have made me think, but unfortunately I'm pretty brain dead right now, so if this is random or doesn't make sense, I'm sorry.

You know the 'Ghosts of Christmas Past'? I feel like this week has been the 'Ghost of my Safeway past'.

I left Safeway in March. Everything went to hell, and finally fell apart on me. I guess I knew it was going to happen, but that didn't make it any easier.

What also made it hard was not hearing from people who I thought were my 'friends' after it all. I've stayed in contact with one person from Safeway.

In the last week, I've seen one manager who I used to work with, and 6 people that I worked with in the deli and the office - including last night when I went to get money out of the A.T.M. after work and ran into someone I worked with in the office. She wouldn't even look at, let alone speak to me.

At first it was hard, seeing all those people. When I saw the manager last weekend, I was at work, and I started shaking and went pale. I know I went pale, because Ashlea actually mentioned it "Rach, what's wrong?! You're so white!"

But now ... I don't know. So what. It happened. It's over. It was inevitable that I was going to run into people from there. Maybe seeing all those people is the universe telling me that I'm stronger now, that I can deal with it. Who cares if they weren't there when I fell apart? Clearly, I didn't need them, or their 'friendship', because I managed to pick myself up, dust myself off and keep going :-)

All this thinking about the last 6 months, and the last year, has made me realise something.

I have changed.

And then last night, I realised something else.

I haven't changed as much as I thought I had.

and

I haven't changed as much as I would like to.

See, I thought I was doing much better. Not being such a doormat. Speaking up when there's

something wrong. Standing up for myself more.

But then, last night, I couldn't even say what I was thinking, what I wanted to do, what I wanted "Dan" to do ... etc. I should have been able to speak up, there were a lot of times when I could have spoken up, and yet I still didn't. I'd like to think it was simply because I was pretty exhausted - I could barely keep my eyes open, and forming thoughts was a little difficult - but I think that the truth was that I was just shy, afraid, uncertain, scared.

And that's just stupid. Why the hell shouldn't I say what I'm thinking? Be honest and open?

Hmmm.

I'm tired. I'm pretty sure there's more thoughts in my head somewhere, I just can't seem to find them at the moment :o) *lol* I don't think I've had many coherent, complete thoughts today. I couldn't even tell you what I did at work all day - I must have done something, but damned if I know what. 4 hours sleep on Friday night + working all day yesterday + about 5 hours sleep last night + working today = a very tired little me :-)

I have tomorrow and Tuesday off work. I might blog again sometime soon. I know there's more stuff I've been thinking about that I want to write about, but ... Can't remember it right now. Yup, I'm a smart cookie :-P

Anyway guys, I'm out. Peace, love and laughter :-)

Yummy, yummy ... Fruit salad!

I'm eating fruit salad ... :-) I made it the other night, so I ate it for dinner on Wednesday, dinner last night, and breakfast this morning ... Yum :-)

Not much happening here ... Monday and Tuesday I had off work. Woo hoo! :-) I spent both days running around, getting bills paid, doing errands, catching up with friends. It was nice :-) Went back to work on Wednesday. Today will be a long day, was meant to be doing 9 - 4, but now I'm doing 9 - 7, because Sylvia called in sick and we have no-one to replace her :-( When I finish work I've got to come home, grab my stuff and head to Ang's to babysit my gorgeous little godson, Ryan! :-) I'll be sitting down with the little man to watch the football tonight ... GO PIES!

You know what's really sad? I just spent 10 minutes, sitting here, trying to think of something to say. And I've got nothin. At all. How sad is that?!!

Anyway, guys, I might take off ... Better get going to work :-) I'm out. Have a great day!

I got a girl fired today.
She totally deserved it.
She created more work than she did, was always late, disrespectful and rude to customers.
But I still feel guilty.

Sorry, Maria.
:-(

Pies won last night.
I've heard it was a good game ...
Four cruisers and I fell asleep. (Work made me tired!)
Missed most of the second quarter, all of the third, and woke up with 4 minutes to go in the last.
What a finish! What a way to end the game!
GO PIES!

I don't know why I'm writing like this.
But I am.

I'm eating marshmallows.
Yummy.

I've got no other news.
I'm boring.
Working tomorrow.
Doing nothing tonight.
Tired ...
And I still feel guilty.

Sorry, Maria.

September 13 / Six years

Damn, girl.

How the hell has it been 6 years without you?

It seems so unbelievable that it's been six long years without your wicked sense of humour or your smile.

It feels like it was just yesterday when I ran into you, and told you that I couldn't stop, had to hurry, had to get to work, couldn't talk, and I'd see you when you got back.

So much has happened in the six years since you left us - how could the world go on when you're not here? How is that fair? It's not right, Mel. It's not fair!

I think of you often, always smiling, usually at something stupid! Every time I hear one of "your" songs, I turn it right up, and sing out loud. Bet you can hear me up there when I'm singing, can't ya?!

God, I miss you Mel. I miss you so much.

Six years, but I'm still missing you as much as that god-awful day when you left us.
Six years, but I can still remember every detail of that day.
Six years, and I hate that I'm still counting.
Six years, and I still wonder what could-have been, and I still think about what should-have been.
Six years, and I still think about you coming back to us, Mel.
Six years, how are we going to make it to seven? Help us keep going, Mel.

There is a Scheduled Blogger Outage at 11PM PDT ... What the?!

When is that Australian time?

I feel like crying. I don't know why. I think I've cried more in the last 6 months than I've cried in the 23 years of my life.

I think it's just the uncertainty of everything at the moment. Dad - what's going to happen there? What's he going to do? How are mum and dad going to manage? There's a meeting tomorrow, maybe some things will get resolved then.

I hated seeing my dad so quiet, so lost. I didn't know what to do, what to say. That's not Brian - he's not a quiet sort of person. He's so worried, it makes me want to cry. I want to fix it. I want everything ok. I know how hard he and mum worked to get to where they are now. We lived in a housing commission house when I was a kid. Never had a lot of money. But they worked their arses off to make sure we had everything we needed, and saved until they finally brought their own house. And everything that's been done to our house, dad's done it (sometimes with mums help:-)). Tiling in the kitchen? Dad. All new concrete in the driveway and out the back? Dad. Whole house painted? Dad. Garden totally re-done? Dad. They have worked so hard. And now ... I don't know. I know they won't lose the house. There's not much chance of that - they're so far in front with home-loan repayments. Every single time they've had a bit of extra money, it's gone straight off the house. But I'm just ... I don't know. Still worried, anyway, I guess.

I'm so tired. I need to find a chiropractor. I'm not tired because I'm not sleeping, I'm tired because my back and neck are out.

Amanda's gone to visit a friend at the moment, and Amber is having a nap at the moment. Thank god! She was starting to get waaay tired and cranky. I think I might go have a lay down on the couch while the house is quiet :-) I told Amanda to go out for a while, as she was almost as cranky as Amber!! *lol* Anyway, I'm going to take off. Peace out, guys.

... Eh ...

Eh ... I'm not really happy today. I'm not sure why ...

But wow, how lucky are you guys! Two entries full of intelligence, witty remarks and humour in one day! Ok ... Two entries where I blather on about bugger all is more like it.

Amber is testing the limits this afternoon ... It's hilarious, and also incredibly annoying at the same time as she's throwing tantrums every 10 minutes! Sadly, this is not an exaggeration ...

Dad took my car down to the mechanic this morning to do the tune-up thing and have new points and plugs put in ... And the mechanic didn't need to do a thing! He told dad that there's nothing wrong with the car, it doesn't need plugs or points. I also gave dad money to get a new battery, because the last time it was replaced was 2000, and we figured might as well replace it now instead of waiting for it to die. Andrew (the mechanic) tested the battery though, and it's perfect, so there's no reason at all to change it right now.

Don't know why I'm feeling a bit "Eh" at the moment ... Think it's just because mum and dad are so worried about what's happening with dad. He has a meeting in Bendigo on Wednesday, there's no hope of getting his job back, but they are hoping to get a redundancy package. They're so worried about how to manage on only mum's income, when they've got the house loan and the car loan. The car loan dad just took out a few weeks ago to buy a new ute for work ... Oh, god ... :-S Hopefully dad gets offered a package that's big enough to cover the car loan and the house loan, or even just most of it, so they won't have such stress on their shoulders.

I was going to head home with Amanda and Amber this afternoon, but with Amber being a tempremental little darling (:-P), I think I'll leave it until tomorrow morning. Amanda and Amber aren't going back to Melbourne until Wednesday, and I don't go back to work until Wednesday either, so I don't have to hurry back. Plus, I think it's a better idea to leave in the morning when Amber's not tired or grumpy!

I'm still confused ... About many things ... But I can't get un-confused ... No matter how much I try ...

Anyway, I think I might go watch some Golden Girls and do nothing for the rest of the afternoon :-) Sometime today or tomorrow I'll try to post some pics of my gorgeous niece ... Probably won't take photos of her right now, as she's throwing a little tanty!
Peace out, guys.

It's Monday!

I wake up this morning to find Amber in the spare room, talking at me:

Amber: Nan's in the wash. Nan's in the wash.
Me: Huh?

(I walked out to realise that mum was actually in the wash - she was in the shower!)

Not much news from here.
COLLINGWOOD WON ON SATURDAY NIGHT! KICKED SOME SYDNEY ARSE!
I watched the game. Remember most of it :-) I was verrrry happy when I went to bed - may have been the win, may have been the pizza and cruisers!

Worked yesterday then drove to Kerang. Didn't leave until 5:30 so it was dark before I'd even made it half-way home. Second half of the drive was crappy, because it kept raining, and my windscreen was sooo dirty I could barely see.

This morning, dad is taking my car down to get a tune-up and new points, or something ... ??!! I just handed over the money. He's also going to get a new battery put in, since it's been 7 years since the battery was put in.

Work is going ok. Tony and Ralph came up from Melbourne yesterday for a meeting with Heather - it's not going as easily as we hoped. We found out last week that there are rumours being spread about us (the cafe) around the centre - things about the food we're serving, the cleanliness of the place, the way the kitchen is run. There's also a woman from a store who's pissed that we won't give her free drinks, so she's telling people that she's glad we're not doing well, and we should fail because we are all bitches and we deserve to.

:-(

Not good :-(

We've made a plan though - getting good gossip out there about us via one of the teenage girls who works in the cafe - she's a lovely girl, but she's got a mouth on her :-) And she knows everyone in the centre, because she's been at the cafe for a year! We're also offering $2 coffees to the staff members from the centre, to try and get them to try us. Everything else they buy will get a 10% discount - juices, gelati, wraps, rolls, etc.

Hopefully that helps. Heather, Tony and Ralph, along with Nick, the owner of the centre, are going to hold a meeting with all the managers from the stores, to find out what everyone's problem is, and what can be done to improve things.

Anyway, there's not much other news from here. I was in bed at 9 last night, and I was so tired I pretty much died straight away! :-) Was up at 6:45 after the kiddo woke me. I don't think she was talking to me - she was talking at me. She just talks, regardless of whether or not you listen :-)

Ok, I'm out. Peace, love and laughter guys! :-)

Nearly time to toddle off to work for another day ... :-)

Next Thursday, it will 6 years to the day that Mel died. I hate September 13th. The year she died, September 13th was a Thursday too.

I'm just thinkin random stuff this morning!

Dad lost his job on Tuesday. That's a bit of a bummer. The union is trying to see if they can do anything to help him. They're blaming the new I.R. laws - I'm not so sure. Part of it will be because of the new laws, but the union has an agenda to push as well - making people believe the laws are bad. It's all political ...

The birdies are good. They have no one to talk to all day, since the house is quiet, so when I get home, they go friggin nuts for about 4 hours! It's funny as.

I should probably think about heading to work, but I'm not really in any big hurry this morning ... I'm always there way early, so I'm just going to take my time this morning. I really did not to get out of bed this morning! My alarm was set for 6:30, it was 7:15 before I dragged myself outta bed!

My darling little niece is going to be very much like her mother ... In personality and temprement, I think! She's a crack up! And the girl knows how to throw a tantrum! Most of the time she's pretty good - she keeps herself entertained. She's such a busy little bee, always on the way to doing something, or getting something that she has to have! It's so funny to watch her, she just doesn't stop! She doesn't really get into mischief - she knows if something is wrong and she generally don't do it. She just keeps herself occupied.

Ok, I'm going to take off. Peace out guys. I'll leave you with an Amber quote today:

(On Tuesday, I took Amanda and Amber to mum and dad's. We were out the back, and I was throwing the ball for Sherlock (also known as "Puppy" to Amber) to bring back to me. Sherlock decided he wanted to run around with the ball, so Amber started to chase him)

Amber: Puppy! GIVE IT BACK! GIVE IT BACK! Puppppppy!!!!!! Give it!!!!!

I'm so confused, and I just don't know what to do.

This is just going to be a 'getting-it-out' entry. I don't care what anyone thinks. Maybe you'll know what I'm talking about, maybe you won't. Either way, this is an entry for me, you know?

Do you think that this ever has a chance of going anywhere? Ever? Is there any possibility that something might happen in the future?

We only see what we want to see ... Sometimes it leads to happiness, sometimes it leads to sadness and disappointment. It sucks, but that's life.

You can never really know what someone else is thinking.

Hell, right now I don't even know what I'm thinking. So friggin confused, I just don't know ...

Part of me says ... I'd miss the friendship so much ... So very, very much ... But another part says it would be hard ... The constant wanting of something that I can't have ... Because what if it just got worse, and I wanted more?

It is easier to walk away, try to save from the hurt that might happen? Or should I just leave it, try to make the best of it?



I don't know.

Did you make it to the milky way to see the lights are faded

And that Heaven is overrated?

Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star

One without a permanent scar

And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?

Train. Drops of Jupiter. In case you were interested :-)

Did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?

This song always reminds me of my sister. I don't know why. There were months, horrible months, where we didn't know where she was. If she was ok. If she was alive. She'd disappear, and we'd be left trying, trying, trying to find out something, anything.

Thank god she finally grew up, hey? I don't think I could take it again :-)

*lol* This isn't actually what I intended to write about tonight :-P But I was listening to that song on my MP3 player as the page loaded, and got distracted :-) That happens a lot ... Ooh, something pretty, brb ... *lol*

Work is good. Worked 9 - 5 today. Well, it was meant to be 5, just finished way late :-) Tomorrow I'm doing 10 -4, and then I get two days off. Two glorious, wonderful, relaxing, peaceful ... What's that? My sister and niece are coming to visit on Monday morning?

Guess the days off won't be peaceful or relaxing ... :-P *lmao* Amanda and Amber are planning on lobbing on my doorstep sometime on Monday morning. Late Tuesday they're going to mum and dad's for a few days. It'll probably be the last time I catch up with Amanda (who's now almost 7 months pregnant) before she has the baby, since I'll be working full time for at least the next 8 weeks, and she won't be up for travelling much longer. Not when travelling involves a big belly and a very, very active (and tempremental!) 2-and-a-bit year old. Yes, that's right, my gorgeous little angel of a niece has started to throw some lovely little temper tantrums, basically ... whenever she feels like it! :-) ... Uh, what happened to my peaceful days off? Did I just see them fly out the window?

Anyway ... It's 8:33 on a Saturday night, and I'm ready for bed. How sad is that?! *gasp* Does this mean I'm ... Old?! Say it aint so! Ok, I'm out guys. Be good :-)

P.S. Gorgeous little Lillie Boyte, who I've often written about, lost her battle with neuroblastoma this week. If you've got a spare minute, drop by and leave a message for her family in her guestbook. I'm sure it would mean a lot to her family at this crappy time. www.caringbridge.org/visit/lillieboyte. R.I.P. Lillie - now dancing in the Heavens with Hannah!

Spend all your time waiting

For that second chance

For a break that would make it okay

There's always some reason

To feel not good enough

*****

Feeling a little ... Eh. Blah. Melancholy.

Been doing a lot of thinking. Dangerous, I know :-P But I risked it.

I just ... I don't know :-) Actually, I know what I want to say, but I don't know how to say it ... Well, write it. You know?

*****

It's easier to believe

In this sweet madness

Oh, this glorious sadness

That brings me to my knees

*****

I've always looked at girls who feel that they *have* to have a boyfriend to be happy and gone ... "Get a life". Because I don't believe, and I will never believe, that you have to have a girlfriend/boyfriend/partner to be happy. You should be able to be happy on your own, you know?

But lately ... I've found myself wanting that ...

No! I don't know why! Am I crazy?!

Not because I think that it would make me happy ... The truth is, most of the time I'm happy with my life right now. I've never been closer to my friends. I know that I can be totally honest with them, and at the end of the day, they'll still be there. Same with my mum and dad. I'm not afraid of "upsetting" people now. I will speak up if I'm not happy. I'm no longer a doormat. I'm happy with my job. I don't have any worries about bills, or buying food anymore.

I'm content.

But sometimes ... I just think ...

It would be nice.

You know?

*****

You are pulled from the wreckage

Of your silent reverie

*****

Meme # ... 5? 6?

This one is fairly simple. All I have to do is write 8 things about myself. Here goes ...

1. I prefer summer over winter. I'd rather be hot than cold. But I hate the fact that summer means not being able to breathe for 4 months because I get really bad hayfever every year.

2. I have never broken a bone (in my body or someone else's ... :-)).

3. I honestly don't know whether I want kids, but if I have a girl I'd love to name her Jennah, after my nan (it was her maiden name).

4. I know I want to go back to uni, I just don't know when.

5. I own three sex toys ...

6. Right now I have a burn mark on my left arm from work yesterday ... It hurts like hell.

7. I like my hair better when it's longer.

8. I would like to get a pet turtle. And a rabbit. The bunny I would name Buckley, (yes, as in Nathan) and the turtle would be named Snoop Turtle. Coz he would be soooo cool :-)

Trying ...

Trying ...

Trying to think of something to say, anything interesting at all ...

Nup. I got nothin.

Thursday I worked. It was busy. Friday I worked. It was busy. Today I worked. It was flat-out busy. Tomorrow I work.

I got nothin.

I need to get a life!

Thursday!

I can't believe it's Thursday already. Where has the week gone?!

Went back to work yesterday ... Why oh why did I do stuff on my 2 days off?! Why didn't I just do nothing at all?! Why didn't I sleep in?! Why didn't I relax instead of constantly running around with mum?! Did 9 hour days yesterday and today, and it's been fairly busy. Doesn't help that Heather has no staff in the cafe, so she is *really* stressed out.

Went out for dinner last night with Christine. We went to La Porchetta. Tonight, Chrissie, B and I went to the UK Hotel. I had lasange, which was friggin yummy as!

I actually had something specific to blog about tonight, but I just realised that the thing I was going to blog about I don't want someone to read ... Hmm ... Ahh well.

Anyway, I'm out. So tired. I'm gonna head to bed ... I'm so boring!

Pur-chasing things ...

My stupid heater won't light :-(

Another day off work today :-) I go back to work tomorrow, working 9 - 5:30 until Sunday. It'll be a long week ...

Today, I pur-chased (hehehe, I love that word :-) Break it in half next time you say it! It's fun!) a car. A 1984 (it's almost as old as me!) Mazda 323 (or is that 232?!). It's white, and cute :-) It has a CD player, but no power steering, which is going to take some getting used to! I'm very impressed with the CD player though :-)

No more bus! Yay!

Mum went home this afternoon, so I went driving for a while, trying to get used to the car. Haven't been doing much else. Went out to work, got some of the world's best gelati :-) Might have to think about cooking some dinner soon. It'll be an early night tonight as I've got next few days on.

Anyway, I'm out. Peace, love and laughter guys. Have a good night.

Eh.

That's about how I feel today ... Eh.

First day off in 20 days today ... Have had an ok day. Didn't sleep in or anything.

My mum came down on Saturday for a few days to visit - she goes home tomorrow. Whilst I love my mother more than anything in this world, she can also piss me off like no one else in this world.

Every single freaking time I have thought about eating something or have gone to have something to drink, she makes a comment ... "Oh, that's good for the diet." "Yeah, that'll help you lose weight."

It makes me want to cry!

I know I'm not skinny. I know I'm not beautiful. I know that. And I don't care.

I've been cutting out junk food - trying to get a little healthier, but I think the reality is that I'm never going to be a stick figure. And who cares? I'm happy the way I am.

But the constant comments, the snarky little barbs ... It hurts. It makes me want to just starve myself so that maybe, just maybe, that will make her happy.

I don't know. I'm just talkin' garbage.

Maybe tomorrow I'll have a happy entry for you all.

It's no retarded chicken ...

Just a quick entry to prove I'm still doing stupid things ... :o)

Yesterday was another 9 hour day. My 13th day in a row. Without a single-freakin-day off ...

No, I'm not upset about that, why do you ask? ... :o) *lol*

Anyway. Got home last night, talked to Dan for a while, and could barely keep my eyes open. So I decided to have a bath, then go to bed. Bath was hot, awesome, relaxing. Got out and went into the loungeroom to get my pjs. Instead of getting into them, I thought 'I'll just have a quick rest on the couch while my pjs warm in front of the heater'.

4 and a half hours later I woke up. Still on the couch. Still wearing only a towel.

Kitchen light still on. Heater still on. TV still on.



Yup, it's good to know that I haven't lost the ability to do stupid things, no matter how exhausted I am :o)

I'm home.
I'm exhausted.
I'm ready to go to sleep.

There was a slight hitch with the 'takeover-meeting-at-8:30-a.m.-thing' ... The chef, who's the manger of the cafe, doesn't wander in to work until 9:30 - 10-ish. So, of course they had to wait until she arrived before the meeting could start.
When the chef did turn up, and the meeting started, the first thing Heather and Tony did?
Fire the chef.
She didn't go quietly, but it wasn't as bad as we thought it was going to be. She had a few words for Heather, but overall it was very low key, which was awesome.


So, I started this almost 25 minutes ago, and I think I might have to finish it later. I keep making stupid typos, and I'm so tired it's hard to think in complete sentences. I ended up doing 9 hours today, with only a 10 minute lunch break. Things were crazy.
Anyway, I gotta go cook something for dinner, have a bath and then wash my work clothes. I start at 9 again tomorrow morning, so it'll be a very early night for this tired little ducky :o)
I'm out!

We're taking over! Look out!

I am exhausted.
Today marks 11 days straight that I have worked. And I still have another 5 before I get a day off. For someone who hasn't worked in almost 4 months (Who am I kidding? Not only have I not been working, I've been doing bugger all!) it's an adjustment :o)
Tomorrow morning, at 8:30 am, Sweet Explosions is launching a hostile takeover (*lol*).
Well ... Sort of.
In the KFMC, we are in a kiosk. Directly across from us is a cafe. The owner of this cafe has, for some time, been unhappy with the staff, the way the business is run, etc. But he doesn't have the time to invest in the business. So last week, he rang Heather (my boss) and said "You want the cafe? From Monday, it's yours." He'd had enough.
Now, the cafe staff ... Firstly, most of them have been horrible to us, because they see as us competition. Which, ok, I can understand. But that's no reason to be rude, or bitchy. I haven't had much of a problem - but they've been horrible to Heather (and that I've actually seen happen).
Secondly - they have got no common sense. Yesterday morning, I started at 10. In the cafe, they had 7 people working when I started. It was nowhere near busy enough to need that many people. It was just throwing money away on wages - this is one of the main reasons the owner has had enough. Not only are they wasting money - they're giving away free food to friends and family.
So, yeah. Tomorrow morning, Sweet Explosions takes over ownership of the cafe.
But guess what?
The cafe staff? Absolutely no idea about what's going to happen.
No. Idea.

It's going to be interesting! The meeting/takeover time was scheduled for 9 a.m. Tonight I got a message from Casey (one of the girls I work with) saying it's been moved to 8:30. Can I just say ... Thank God.
I'm not starting work until 9. I have a feeling that it's going to get ugly. The owner thinks that most of the staff will walk out/quit, or cause trouble. I do not want to be there for that! I really don't do conflict well! So I'm hoping that when I wander in at 9, that it'll all be over :o) That's probably wishful thinking but I can hope, can't I??!!

Anyway, it's almost 10:30, and I gotta be up at 6, so I'm out. I'll let you know how it goes :o)
Peace, love and laughter guys!

Not Happy.

Hi guys ... Quick update.

So, a couple of weeks ago, you'll remember me grumbling about a 4:30 a.m. phone call. Someone was drunk, and wanted to chat. Now, I know I had a bit of a grumble, but the truth is, I wasn't annoyed at all. It didn't bother me. Plus, it was friggin hilarious. I laughed from start to finish - with the drunk person, and, once or twice, at them. Anything that can make me laugh that much can never be classified as annoying.

I've worked the last 8 days straight. Not full days - mainly 6 or 7 hours a day. But because we have no staff, I usually get only 5 minutes for lunch. So I'm on my feet the entire time, which is pretty exhausting. Love the job, but very tiring. I've been in bed by about 10 every night this week.

Last night, Chrissie came around after I got in from work. She had been to Hammer St. (best takeaway place in Bendigo) to get dinner for us. We watched some Friends, she left about 9. By the time I'd done a load of washing, and had a bath, it was 10 and I was well and truly stuffed :o) So I went to bed. Almost two hours later (just a little before midnight), my phone started to sing 'Dear Mr President' (my message tone). It took me almost 5 minutes of looking at the screen to realise that yep, someone had sent me a message. It took me another 5 minutes to work out who the hell had sent the message ... It was from someone I rarely hear from, and I was looking at the screen going ... "Who the hell is ***?" In the meantime, I sent someone else a message - for some reason I thought that "Dan" had sent the message ... Ok, in my defense there are only three letters in each name and I was really confused! I'd just been woken up!

So, *** sent a few messages - What's up, I'm bored and sick, come online now and talk to me ... What are you doing, what's new since I talked to ya last ... Come online now Rach, I want to talk to ya, I'm so bored ... And I have to say, everytime he sent a new message, I got angrier and angrier. My replies were one or two words - one was two sentences when I said I was now working, and I had to be up early to go to work.

Now, this really annoyed me for a couple of reasons.
1 - I haven't heard from this person in a couple of months. Nothin. No talkin online, no messages, nothin. And that's cool, you know? It's finished. All good :o) But you do not just text message someone, out of nowhere at 11:45 p.m.! I was ASLEEP, people!
2 - The whole reason he was messaging? He was horny. Classy, huh? Yep. Boy, did steam start coming out the top of my head ... For gods sake! He was horny, and obviously just wanted someone to help get him off. What the??!! I am not some kind of easy slut, who'll just "help" anyone who needs it.

Not. Happy.

ChemoAngel Rach ...

Somewhere out there, in the big wide world, is *my* cancer patient.

Wondering what the hell I'm on about?

Allow me to explain. Last week, I applied to become a ChemoAngel. ChemoAngels are people who support cancer patients through chemo (you guessed that, didn't you?...), by sending a cards, letters, or little presents at least once a week, for the duration of the patients cancer treatment. It could be for 3 months, it could be for 18 months.

I'm not sure why I applied. It's just something I wanted to do. I have no personal experience with cancer, but 'meeting' the CB kids, and seeing what they go through has made me realise that cancer, quite simply, sucks. It really, really sucks. So I wanted to do something to make it easier for someone.

So I applied, and was accepted, and now I'm waiting to be assigned a patient. It can take anywhere from 3 - 6 weeks to receive your "assignment" (Why does that sound like something James Bond would receive?). I'm looking foward to it. I hope I get an Aussie :o)

Anyway, that's about it for tonight. Short entry :o) But I'm waaaay tired, and I gotta work again tomorrow. Take care guys. Peace, love and laughter. I'm out.

There's nothing witty, intelligent, or funny in this entry ...

There's a birdie attacking my foot :o)

Just let the birds out of the cage for a run around, now they're going nuts, flying around the loungeroom.

Matt Damon? HOT! And he seems like such a nice guy!

Sorry ... Random thoughts are going everywhere. I'm tired ... It's hard to think. I couldn't even be stuffed cooking dinner tonight, so I got pizza :o) Ahh, I'm a lazyass.

Work is good. I'm enjoying it. Being on your feet for 5/6/7/8 hours a day, running back and forth is pretty tiring though. Plus, there's the fact that I haven't worked in about 4 months :-P So I'm a bit outta practice. It's not flat out, but it's fairly constant. I had passionfruit gelati for lunch :o) It was freakin delicious! And 97% fat free!! Hahaha ... We all know I care about stuff like that :-P I didn't even get to sit down and eat my lunch, people kept wanting stuff!

Isn't this sad? I have no gossip at all. Nothing of interest to say. I'm trying to think of something witty or funny to say ... And I got nothin!

Hey, anyone want to come clean my house?! It's in desperate need of a good clean! My bed hasn't been made all week! Might try to do some tonight. My sheets have been on the washing line since last weekend, and I finalllllly got them off tonight! So I might have to put some clean sheets on the bed tonight.

Might have to go have a bath soon, and head to bed. I'm starting at 10 tomorrow, so I'll have to be up fairly early to get organised and then get the bus, yada yada yada :o)

Anyway. That's about it. Sorry I'm so boring. Have a great night guys, I'm out. Peace, love, and laughter :o)

PostSecret

Meme #4

In the tradition of Meme #1 (26/06/07) and Meme #2 (27/06/07) and Meme #3 (29/06/07) comes Meme number 4! This one was kinda boring though.

~~~~~
~ Would you hug your ex again? Probably not

~ How many girlfriends/ boyfriends have told you they loved U? A few.

~ How many girlfriends/ boyfriends did you actually love? 1.

~ Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurt? Maybe ...

~ Have you ever made a boyfriend or girlfriend cry? I don't think so ... Hope not.

~ Are you happier single or in a relationship? Both ...! :o)

~ Have you ever been cheated on? Yeah. It sucks.

~ Have you ever told someone you loved them and didn't mean it? Nope.

~ Have you ever had your heart broken? Hasn't everyone at some point?

~ If you could go back in time and change things, would you? Change what things? I don't think so.

~ Do you still love your ex? No. It's over.

~ Do you believe that you are a good girlfriend/boyfriend? How the hell would I know?! I'd hope so though.

~ Have you dated someone who was not good to you? Stupidly, yes I have.

~ Have you dated someone older than u? Yeah.

~ Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? It depends.

~ Do you believe in love at first sight? Nope..

~ Ever want to get married? Not so much. It's just a bit of paper. If the commitment is there,
then who cares about the "official" thing? Although wedding cake is always nice :o)

~ Ever kissed your friend's boyfriend or girlfriend? Nup, never.

~ If given a chance, would you like to have your ex back? No. Those relationships finished for a reason :o)

~ Still friends with your ex's? Yes and no.

~ Does anybody have a tattoo with your name on it? Uhh ... No.

Hinky.

Tonight I'm feeling a little ... Blah. Funky. Quiet. Or, as Abs from NCIS would say ... "Hinky". (Just not quite right)

I started my new job on Thursday. I worked 12 - 4. Friday I did 11 - 3, and today was 10 - 2. It's not flat out busy, mostly it's just constant. (By the way - the gelato? Frickin amazing. I tried the passionfruit one today, and it was so nice. The chocolate one is also delicious.) I really like the job, it's lots of fun, and Heather (the manager) and Casey (workmate) are both really nice. I'm getting the hang of it fairly quickly, which is good.

Tomorrow I'm not starting until 12, so I'll get a bit of a sleep in. I think tomorrow I'm only doing three hours.

I don't know. Collingwood won today, so you'd think I'd be happy, right? Instead I'm just kinda quiet ...
Ahh well. Maybe I'll write more later. Peace, and I'm out.

Slightly tired?

I think I may be a little *too* tired.

Why?

Because, when I got home from work at 5, I tried and tried to light my heater.

It would not start. I walked away, left it for a few minutes. I came back and tried again. Nope, still doesn't want to start. This went on until 5:45.

Still no go.

So, what do I do? I start crying.

Yep, crying ... Because my stupid heater won't start!

Then what do I do?

I kick the friggin thing. Hard!

Not once, but twice.

Then I tried to light it again.

First go ... It started.

Huh.

I think I'll be in bed early tonight ...


Edit - 10:55 p.m:
I really intended on having an early night. The last 4 nights, I've averaged about 4 hours sleep a night. And I am so frickin tired. I was messaging "Dan" at 9, and I thought then that I'd be in bed by about 9:15. I just had to do my dishes first. Then, god knows why, but then I thought I'd clean my toilet. And my bathroom. And then have a bath. And then strip my bed/change the sheets and doona cover. And then I just had to do a load of washing. So now I have a wonderfully clean house, and I can barely keep my eyes open :o) Lets hope this means that I sleep well tonight.
Peace. I'm out.

Open letter to Mr. Blogger

Dear Mr. Blogger,

You, my friend, are a fucker.

And I hate you.

Now, I realise that this is a big claim, so I have some evidence to back myself up and explain just why you are a fucker.

Tonight, I decided to change the layout, and font/colours of my blog.

I went into 'Templates' and selected the new template for my blog.

No worries there.

Then I went into 'Fonts and Colours' to personalise my page.

FIVE TIMES I went into fonts and colours.

FIVE TIMES your stupid piece of crap blogger froze on me.

FIVE TIMES I had to press control+alt+delete to start all over again.

What the hell, Mr. Blogger?

Do you not want people to have individualised blogs? Do you want little blogger clones running all over the place? Do you want people having the exactly the same blog as 500,000 other people? Well, that is not cool, Mr. Blogger.

Not cool at all.

Now, I am going to try once more, and if it doesn't work, someone may have to call me an ambulance, as I'm sure my blood pressure will be rising to stroke level.

Mr. Blogger, fucker, please address this problem at once.

Thankyou.

Yours sincerely,
A very pissed blogger user.

P.S. You stressed me out soooo much that I had to go and have a smoke, and THEN, I had to have a caffeine hit via a can of Coke. I expect to be reimbursed for that one cigarette and one can of Coke.

P.P.S. (35 minutes later...): I have managed to make a few changes. Very slow process, and I'll do the rest tomorrow. Ok, I'm going to bed now. 4 hours sleep Monday night + 4 hours last night = a very tired little me.

Peace, I'm out.

(Not peace to you though, Mr Fucker. I'm still mad at you.)

Brett.

The most bizzare web chat ever?

It involved me. Tonight.

This guy, named Brett, started talking to me. He doesn't actually appear on my list, but apparently I'm on his.

Brett then tried to figure out where he knew me from:

are you the chick i fucked in the back of the hire car last week?

(Me: No)

now i know this is you lisa and u r stilled pissed off because i slept with your mum - as i said
when you found out - GET OVER IT - she and i are entitled to have our fun - and guess what - WE DID ANAL - your mum loved it lisa


Umm ... What the??? Someone call Jerry Springer ...

Am I the only one who thinks this is just bizzare??!

P.S. Just as I hit 'Publish Post', the phone rang. It was my new boss. I'm working tomorrow/Friday from 12 - 4. Dan, if you're serious about the massage, show up after 4 on Friday ;-) I'll make it worth your while ... hehehe.

My head hurts.


Headache/tired.


Possibly because I've been up since 4:30 a.m.


Possibly not. Maybe my head is just too big.


Tried to have a nap on the couch before and just couldn't go to sleep for whatever reason.


I really have nothing of interest to say.

Ready for a long-winded entry? Well, you probably should be. Either that, or click on the little red X in the top right hand corner :o)

Last night, I was talking to "Dan". (Remember, that's not his real name!) He asked "How's things with your brother?". Now, this was a bit of a surprise. Generally, people don't ask about him. I don't speak about him. My friends know I'd rather not talk about him - I don't ask any of my family about him, so I have nothing to say about him anyway! The only thing I know (via my mum, who told me last week) is that he has a new girlfriend he is living with in Melbourne. When I heard that ... Eh, didn't really care. I was just happy for Lorri, knowing that he was no longer in her life.


January, 2007: Basically, this was the month our family fell apart. The month we were shocked when we realised what had been going on - for months - and made us question just how the hell we'd missed it. This was the month I told my brother that as far as I was concerned he didn't exist. This was the month my brother tried to kill himself. This was the month the whole thing started.

The night before my brother overdosed was the night Lorri rang me and told me that Darren had hit her several times. He'd verbally abused her. That was the night Lorri told me about her suspicions - she had noticed bruises on Jordyn, the stories of how those bruises appeared changed every time she asked Darren. She told me about the change in Jordyn - going from a normal kid, to a scared, withdrawn, quiet kid.

I remember hanging up after speaking to Lorri, and ringing my sisters house. I knew Darren was staying there since he wasn't allowed near Jordyn and Lorri. I remember screaming and crying, telling my sister to tell Darren that he was dead to me, that I never wanted to speak to him again, tell him that he's pathetic and how could he do that to my gorgeous little nephew, what the hell is wrong with him, I never ever want to see him again ... It went on and on.

I rarely lose my temper. That's just not me. I don't see the point in yelling, or getting angry. You speak in anger, you say things you will probably regret later. You say things without thinking, hurtful things.

I can honestly say though, that I don't regret what I said that night. Those things I said? Harsh, yes. But it's what I felt. I will always be proud that I said what I felt. Sure, maybe I could have done it without yelling and screaming and crying, but oh well. Everyone else in my family was standing up for him, protecting him, believing all his lies.

I remember how I felt, the next day, when we found out what had happened. I do not believe, and I will never believe, that he intended to kill himself. The overdose that he took was never going to kill him. What he did was manipulative, and attention-seeking, and there was never any risk. It was done so everyone would feel sorry for him.

Mum and I went straight to Melbourne when we heard. I went for mum. I went for Jordyn. I went for Lorri. I did not go for him. I said straight out on the way to Melbourne that I didn't even want to see him.

I remember, on the way to Melbourne that day, just talking. Just to say something, anything. Just to not have silence. If there was silence, there was time to think.

I also remember mum and I, at 2 a.m., unable to sleep, with "the little men running around" in our heads as mum put it. Talking about what to do, what needed to be done, what could have happened, where to go now. Then getting the giggles over something so stupid I can't even remember what it was. I remember trying to stifle the giggles because we were worried about waking Lorri. I remember getting up at 4 a.m., worried about waking mum after she'd finally fallen asleep, and crashing on the couch for an hour, then being woken at 7 when mum got up.

I remember reading the report DHS had prepared, knowing in my gut that what was in there was right. Incident after incident, right there in black and white. Wondering again, how had it gone on for so long, unnoticed? What kind of aunty was I? I hadn't protected Jordyn from harm. I didn't even realise what was happening. I'd failed him.

The last 6 months has been a mix of memories. Full of fun, with my sister and my niece when they came to stay with me, and with Lorri and Jordyn when they came to stay. Full of drama after drama with Darren, causing trouble, making everything hard for the family. Full of fights between mum and dad, mum and I, mum and Amanda, Amanda and I ... All because of Darren.

Today, Lorri rang me. I haven't spoken to her in almost a month. Until last week, I had no idea that her and Darren had broken up. Today ... As soon as she said hello, I knew that something had changed. She was happy. She wasn't stressed. She wasn't upset. She was free. Free, happy, so relieved and so ... Different. It felt like, for the first time in months, there was something positive coming out of this whole thing. The silver lining on the cloud had finally shown itself. There was a reason that we'd gone through everything we've gone through over the last 6 months.

When Darren and Lorri first met, over three years ago, Lorri was outgoing and outspoken and unafraid. She said what she thought, she stood up for herself, she wasn't scared to be honest. And then, slowly, she changed. She became quiet. She put him first. Everything was about Darren - not upsetting him, making sure he was happy. She made none of the decisions regarding Jordyns routine and discipline. She had to ask if she was allowed to give Jordyn something to eat! When they were here, at my place, in June last year, Jordyn wanted something to eat. Lorri had to ask Darren's permission. That was the first time I ever stood up to Darren. I remember taking Jordyn into my room, then closing the door before I came back into the lounge and had a go at Darren - about the way he'd spoken to Lorri, about the way he treated Lorri and Jordyn. They left in an hurry after that.

Today, there was no sign of that weakness in her. There was only strength, and happiness. I think Lorri has finally realised just how much she'd changed - and she didn't like it.

Finally, something good is coming out of the hell we went through. It doesn't make it ok, it doesn't make it right. But it's nice to know that something good can come of an awful situation.

PostSecret

Blast from the past

The massive clean out continues. This morning, I found a book of old, old, old poems that I'd written. How old? Most of them are from 2002/2003. Anyway, I thought I'd put some on here.

-----

Abbey is your angel

she watches over you from way up high

if you should ever need her

just look up to the sky.

god lent her to earth for just a little while

gave her love family, special friends

her mission? to brighten the world with her smile

but all too soon her time on earth had to end

god looked down from heaven for a special someone

he spotted Abb and said

"your work on earth is now done"

so back to heaven our Abbey was led.

i know you will always miss her so much

but remember in your heart she will forever stay

and when you long for her touch

remember you will be together again one day.

-----

how do you show

what a photo cannot?

his laughing eyes

that beautiful smile

and gorgeous dark hair

they're all there

but what can't you see?

that cheeky laugh

and drive-you-crazy sense of humour

the long talks

the drinking and partying

we did

the way he was always there -

his friendship

and of course

that lightening quick temper!

how do you show

what a photo cannot?

-----

don't know where im going

can't remember

where i've been

my life is taking me

along a winding path

with twists and turns

forks in the road

this way or that way?

it's easy to get

confused

lost

trying so hard

to find my way

but every time

i think i know where im going

i get lost once again

and once more

i

don't know where i'm going

and

can't remember

where i've been

-----

Hey Mel

it's just me

checkin in again

saying hey mate

and "go pies"

!!!!

saw a star tonight

shinin so damn bright

from the heavens

knew it was

you

waving down to me

it's been

almost two whole years

(and a million bloody tears!)

since you went away

13/09/01

do i really need to

tell you again

how very

very

very

much i miss you??!!

if only

miracles happened

wishes came true

and every other cliche in the book

"hey mate, what's news?"

well, tegans doing well

got her license a few weeks ago

your dad

bought her a car

she loves it!

your mum

still working

but

you only have

to look at her

to see how much

she misses you

it's written

in her eyes

in her smile

all over her face

"hey mate, what's news?"

well, my

gorgeous

magpies play your bloody bombers

next week

don't worry though, we'll kick some arse!

and no "divine intervention"!!

if we lose, i'll blame you!

"hey mate, what's news?"

thommo's doing well

so's kat

and bec

see them around uni

bec's doing nursing

with chrissie

loz is still at school

year 12 at mckillop!

reckoned there was a

conspiracy

against her at kths!

nat had her baby

a baby girl

kahlia

what a cutie

and yes,

she's still with troy

and me?

still crusin along!

so that's news mate.

miss ya, Mel.

-----

i see your face in my mind

you're smiling at me

i wish that you were here right now

why did god take you away?

my eyes fill with tears

as i think of

never seeing your smile again

never hearing your voice ever again

i still can't believe you're gone

i wonder if you're happy

i wonder if you know

how much

we all miss you

we all love you

i guess we will meet again one day

i hope that day comes soon

the world without your smile, Mel,

the world without you,

is a sadder place

-----

Peace, and I'm out.

Edit at 1:41: *lmao* you would not believe what I just found! A paper titled "Our day at the Highschool"!!!!! The date on it is 13-12-95. 1995!!!! That paper is half my age! My teacher has even written a comment on it! If I can figure out how to scan it later, I'll put it on here.

** Tried to add the scanned pages to the end and it wouldn't do it, so they're at the top. If you click on them, I think they enlarge.

The Turtle is broke!

So, I just got back to the crib, after hangin with ma homey all day ... :o) *lol*

Got a nice surprise this morning when I rang up to check my bank balance - my tax refund has gone through, so I had lots and lots of money!

Sadly, 20 minutes later, three quarters of that money had gone. I paid some rent (because I've been a week behind for like the last 3 months and I keep getting "friendly reminders" from the real estate agency - aint nothing friendly about them, let me tell you!), paid my Telstra bill, my gas bill, my ambulance membership, and put some in my savings account. Out of $800, that left me about $200!!!!! I couldn't believe it! It was nice to know (for once!) that my bills were all paid though, and that I'm up to date on rent.

So, I decided some shopping was in order. Chrissie and I went out for lunch, then we both went and spent waaaaaay too much money, but ahh well! You gotta sometimes. I got three new tops, some new socks, a new pair of work shoes, and a couple of other things.

Anyway, that's about all I did today. Came home for a couple of hours and bummed around, then Chrissie picked me up again and we went and got some takeaway for dinner and watched a movie at her place. It was a good day.

And now, to finish off, a few snippets from my day:

Before, as Christine was driving me home, she nearly ran over some kid running across the road. I swear to god, he came from nowhere and she very nearly hit him. Christine's reaction? A blast of the horn and then ...
(I'm busy laughing at how angry she is!)
Christine: Fucking emo-looking skanky THING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*lol*

As we were eating dinner, I started choking on a bite of hamburger. Tears came out of one eye. How did I explain this to Christine?
Me: Dude! I'm choking out of one eye!

We went to La Porchetta for lunch. As we were waiting to be seated, we saw a girl from high school.
Christine: Hey, isn't that ... Shannon?
Me: Oh, yeah. Her dad was the school principle.
Christine: Yes!
Me: Wasn't she going out with Adrian?
Christine: Dude! Adrian was her brother!!!
Me: Wow. Hope they broke up then.

As I'm getting out of the car tonight, I said goodbye to Chrissie ...
Me: Check ya later, man.
Chrissie: Fo shizzle ma nizzle, man. (Yep, she really said it. She's a bigger dork than me! :o))

More proof (if you really needed it) that I'm the world's biggest idiot!

Ok, I'm out. Check ya later, dudes.

Sweet Explosions.

No, I didn't get fired because of my hair. Not that I really thought I would, but you know ... :-P

The business is called "Sweet Explosions". It's a franchise, originally started by 2 guys. We met one of them tonight, his name is Tony and he's really nice.

It looks amazing. Like, seriously! Everything is so shiny! *lol* It's going to be a shame to use it and get it dirty :-P

The people I'll be working with are all really nice. We had a meeting out at Sweet Explosions, then we all went to dinner at La Porchetta afterwards, where we went through the training guide. A couple of the girls I'll be working with are new like me, so I won't be alone in that.

As far as I know, I'll be working next Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Tony is planning a "soft opening" for Thursday.

Anyway, that's about it. Peace, love and laughter. I'm out!

So, I'm freaking out. About my hair.

And I know it's a girly and ridiculous thing to worry about, but I can't help it!

In 30 minutes, I have to go to a meeting at my new place of work.

And my stupid-skanky-dumbo-head-moronic-silly-slutty hair won't do what I want it to do!

Ok. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

God I hope my hair doesn't get me fired before I've actually started work ...

If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands ...!

Happiest girl in the universe? Right here ... (Imagine me pointing at myself)
Why am I so happy?
I got a mention on Kristie's blog. Yep, that's Kristie of 'Not Quite What I Had Planned' fame.
Yep. How cool am I?! Hehehe.
I first "met" Kristie through her daughters CaringBridge website. Her daughter, Kendrie kicked cancer's arse a couple of years ago. Throughout the whole cancer journey, Kristie managed to keep her sense of humour, and her sense of perspective. Her entries on Kendrie's site were mostly funny, but some were so honest and open that they broke your heart a little when you read them. I don't think I've ever known someone so down-to-earth and friendly. And funny! It doesn't matter what the subject is, Kristie can always find something to laugh about.

Dude. I'm so happy :o) Ha!

-----

Ok, now onto other things.

Massive clean-out time today in my house. And I do mean massive clean-out. Mum's having a garage sale, so I thought I'd use the opportunity to get rid of some stuff. My 200+ videos have been reduced to 60. My 150+ CDs? I have about 30 left. Three containers of stuff that was in my wardrobe? Been reduced to one container. I went through old photos, old papers, books, uni essays, rental agreements from two years ago, payslips from three years ago. I found a bill from three and a half years ago! I found crap I don't even remember buying. My hairdryer went. My hair curling kit. (I'm not sure why I bought that - my hair is naturally curly ...?!!) Anything that couldn't be sold went straight into the bin. Still haven't finished, but I'm getting sick of it, so I figured I'd take a break.

-----

Did anyone watch Australian Story on Monday night? Monday night featured the story of Belinda Emmett, a beautiful Australian actress who was diagnosed with breast cancer at age 24. She went into remission, only to be told at age 27 that the cancer had spread to her bones.

It was the most beautiful, and also the most heartbreaking thing, I've ever watched. I cried as her family described her last days. I smiled as Belinda showed that she hadn't lost her sense of humour.

I don't know why Australians loved this girl so much. I think it had something to do with the fact that she was honestly a beautiful, amazing person inside and out. She never seemed to give up. She had *it*. She just had that something, that something that made her so special.

Belinda lost her battle on November 11, 2006. So many tears were cried on that day for this amazing, graceful and strong young woman.

(*By the way, if you missed it on tv, it is on You-Tube. It's under Belinda Emmett on Australian Story or something similar to that. It's in three parts. It's well worth watching.)

-----

So, I have a problem. A big one.
It concerns me greatly. It worries me. It makes me concerned and it worries me.
This morning, I woke up, and got out of bed. Nothing unusual there, that's actually something that I do on a daily basis.
But when I got up, I realised that somehow, during the night, I'd pulled a muscle. At the back of my thigh, just under my left butt cheek (Classy, huh? Yep. That's me. Full of class and decorum and all that other crap!).
Now, this has happened before. I've woken up from a great nights sleep, and gotten out of bed to discover that walking hurts! It really hurts! And I don't know how it happens. Or why. Or **how**!!! What the hell am I doing when I'm in bed?! Last night, I was in bed alone! I'm starting to think I'm doing kung-fu or something in my sleep.
Any ideas? Suggestions?

-----

Anyway. My bedroom is currently a pigsty (sad but true) so I better get back to it. Have a good one, guys!

Hey! Update! Heather (from the cafe) just rang. I start work next Thursday! Yay!

If you want it to be good girl, get yourself a bad boy ...

Monday was my last day at JST (Job Seeker Training). And whilst I felt that most of the time, it was a waste of time (it didn't teach me anything new), it was an entertaining waste of time. What more can a girl ask for?!
On Monday, however, Barrie (our JST trainer) said something that made me think.


Barrie: I don't understand why someone hasn't snapped you up. Why don't you have a job?
Me: Well, I do have a job. I just haven't started yet. I'll be working at a cafe, part-time.
Barrie: Really? Well, not a dream job, but it's something I suppose.
Me: Right now, it is my dream job. Something I'm good at. Something I like doing.
Barrie: But you could be doing so much more. You should be.
Me: [thinking] You should talk to my mum. She shares that view ...


Now, this bothered me. Why do people always assume I should be doing more? At Safeway, I was working 35 - 40 hours a week, and I still got the feeling I wasn't doing enough. Um hello, that's kind of why I went nuts and broke down, remember?! I'm not perfect. I may seem like I can handle anything and everything, but *newsflash*, I can't! No one can. I can't fix every single problem. I can't change things that I have no control over. It's taken me a long time to realise it, but I can't. I'm not as capable and as perfect as people would like to believe.

And you know what? I'm ok with that.

Right now, I want to take some time. I don't want a job that is 30+ hours a week. Sure, I could spare the time, I'm not at uni at the moment. But I don't want it. I don't want a job in an office, or doing admin work. I know I could do it. I'd be great. At Safeway I did my job perfectly. But I don't want to go back there and do it again. I want something low-key. Something that I like doing, something I am good at, something that doesn't take up all my time. Something that's not going to mean I have people ringing me on my days off saying "How do I fix this? Rach, what do I do when this happens?"

Honestly? I could probably work 30 hours a week, without a problem. And when I go back to uni, I know I could find a way to make it work, studying full time and working 30 hours a week. I've done it before. But the difference now is ... I don't want to do it.

So what if that makes me unambitious, or if people think I'm lazy. What do I care?

I just wish people wouldn't judge me on perceptions. Just because you have some idea of what I should be doing, or what I could be doing, you don't have to share it with me. Accept what I want. Accept what I am doing, not what you think I should be doing. Chances are, whatever your ideas are, I've already heard it from my mother ... :o)

I'm out. Peace, love and laughter guys.

No I'm not gonna let it get me down

I'm not gonna cry

And I'm not gonna lose any sleep tonight

Cause tomorrow's another day and I am not afraid

So bring on the rain

Interesting ....

Hi! And welcome to your Monday! How's it going for you? Hope things are good.

~*~*

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows? Didn't disappoint. I cannot believe the twist with Snape! And all the deaths. JK Rowling has managed to construct the most complete universe in her books, and it all came to an end with book number 7. Everything made sense, it wasn't stupid or unfinished. It is one of the best books I have ever read. Give it a week or so and I'm going to say what I really think about all the different twists and turns, I won't just yet as I don't want to spoil it for anyone. Kudos to Kristie tho, who had an idea about the Snape twist. It ended up taking me until 3 am Sunday morning to finish the book. Chrissie and I got our copies at 10 on Saturday morning, and basically only stopped reading once (to go out for dinner on Saturday night). Have just started re-reading it again, I'm worried I missed some good stuff at the end since I was so tired.

~*~*

GO PIES. Collingwood had a good win on the weekend, beating the Bombers. Is it just me, or does anyone else thing that they should have won by a lot more? Maybe I expect too much, but the last few wins that Collingwood has had, I think that they should have been greater. They will have an awesome lead, and it's like they just chill out for a few minutes. The other team gets some goals, and the margin is back to one or two goals ... ?! Anyway. Collingwood will be there in September, which is awesome. They won't make it to that "one day in September" though, unless they pull their socks up a bit ... God I hope they can do it! I know everyone's raving on about the Cats at the moment, and they'll be in the September action, but can they keep the awesome form going and make it to the Grand Final? God, I hope that Hawthorn have a crappy run home. I cannot stand them, and I will shoot myself in the foot if they are in the finals! Looked at the ladder this morning and was a bit surprised to see West Coast so high, I hadn't realised they'd been winning so many games. At the moment they're above my Pies! God no! Ahh well ...

~*~*

Went home to see my mum and dad yesterday. It was ... interesting. And as "Dan" (wink wink, don't worry, "Dan", no one will know who you are! [And if you're looking for the entry about you, go back to Friday]) pointed out, interesting is better than not interesting. Well, yes, that's true, but I honestly think I'd rather not interesting!


So, here's the deal. I haven't said much about my brother lately.


That's because, as far as I'm concerned, he doesn't exist. I cannot, will not, and do not want to forgive him for the way he treated my nephew, my gorgeous little man, Jordyn, and his girlfriend Lorri.


I don't care what anyone thinks. This is the way I feel. I don't care if you judge me for feeling this way. You are not in my shoes.


I have told my mother that I will speak to him again when he changes. When he shows that he is sorry for what he did. When he has an attitude adjustment. When he realises how much he has hurt so many people. When he grows up and puts his son first.


Until then? Nup. Don't care. Don't want anything to do with him.


So, anyway. At first, that is for Jan/Feb/March/April/May and some of June, I was so angry. So pissed off, hurt, upset. I didn't want to be reasonable about it, I didn't want anyone to make excuses for my f***wit of a brother, I wanted to be angry.

---- Sorry, had to stop writing because my mum arrived. She's down for the night. We went and did some shopping ---- [Continued at 5:45 p.m.]

But lately, in the last 4 to 6 weeks or so, the anger has gone. Replaced by acceptance, plain and simple. I no longer want to scream at him, and bash his head against the wall, trying to make him see sense, trying to make him see what he's done - to his son, to his girlfriend, to our whole family. I just ... accept it. Quietly. And I no longer ask about him. No more enquiring what he's up to, whether he's at mum and dads or in Melbourne. Don't care, don't want to know.

So when I went home on Sunday, I wasn't sure if he'd be there, or not. I was pretty sure he'd moved to Melbourne. I thought he was staying with my sister. But yesterday, mum had a few things to tell me.

Darren and Lorri (his girlfriend, Jordyn's mum) have broken up.

Darren is living in Melbourne - but not with Amanda. With his new girlfriend.

Lorri has been in Wangaratta for the last 3 weeks or something, trying to deal with the break-up.

Hmmmm .... Interesting.

I can't really explain how happy I felt ... As horrible as this sounds, and as mean as it may seem, I'm *glad* that it happened. I'm *glad* that they broke up. Isn't that awful? I'm happy that my nephew no longer has parents who are together. Wow - that does sound really awful. But I'm happy. Lorri deserves better. Maybe this will make the f***wit into a better person. I don't know. I don't really care, either, to be honest. All I care about is Lorri and Jordyn. And I'm so happy for them! :o)

~*~*

Had my haircut before when we went shopping ... Ok, no one with scissors is ever coming near me again. I asked for a *LITTLE* bit off my fringe. The hairdresser decided to layer my fringe -- I don't know whether she stuffed it up and had to fix it, or whether it's meant to be really short ... But it looks awful! I don't like it.

~*~*

My new niece? Will be named ... Amy Lee. Yep. Her older sister is named Amber Lee. Okkkk ...

~*~*

Ok, I'm out. Have more to write, but I'm in the middle of cooking lasange. So I'm gonna take off before I burn something :o)

Peace, love and laughter!

Thanks, Chrissie...!

The scene: We're in Christine's lounge room. Sweet Home Alabama (the movie) has just finished playing. Sweet Home Alabama (the song) is playing as the credits roll. I decide to get up and dance ...

Christine: [Looking at me in amazement] Oh. My. God. You look like a retarded chicken!


Yep. Thanks.

Self-conscious ...

So, here's the thing.

I love writing. I like to blog. This is my journal. My place to vent. Need to think something through? I come here and write my thoughts down. Need to deal with something? Get it all out, write it down. Want to say congrats to someone, or put some photos on the net? I do it on this page. Can't sleep and it's 4am and I'm bored? I'll come on here and babble about nothing.

And, so far, you know, it's worked great for me. When the whole thing happened with my brother, I wrote it all out. (Well, I sure as hell couldn't talk to anyone about it ...) When I lost my job, I was on here a few hours after it happened, unable to sleep, with everything just falling apart around me. Happy, sad, stupid, chaotic, funny, calm ... It's all here.


I generally don't censor what I write. I don't write for anyone other than me. I don't stop and think too much about what I want to write. Because it's not as honest, not as real, if you put too much thought into it (beforehand, anyway ... You should probably think while you're writing...!).


I don't worry about anyones feelings when I write. I don't care if someone gets offended by me swearing or something like that. Why? Because it's for me. I write for me. I don't care what anyone else thinks, you know? My writing may not be perfect, it may not be funny, it may not always be grammatically correct, or witty, or meaningful, but I don't care. As long as I write about whatever is happening, or I write about whatever is bothering me, then I'm happy. As long as I'm honest, and I don't lie to myself, then I'm happy.

[This may seem like another random, disjointed entry, but there is a point, I promise you!]

So, last night I was talking to someone online. I like this someone. I think he is funny, and pretty damn cool, and my god, the man does things with his tongue that make you moan ... Er. Sorry. Slightly off topic. Let's call him ... Oh, I don't know ... Something wild ... Dan. So "Dan" wanted this website address. For some reason it didn't occur to me that he wanted it so he could read this blog. (I don't know what I thought he was going to do with it ... ?)

Anyway. When I realised that "Dan" was reading this blog ... Ok, when "Dan" told me ... For the first time ever, it made me self-conscious to know that someone was reading this blog. Why? I don't know. I know friends who read it. I know friends who email me if I haven't done an entry for a few days (Hey, Megsy!). I know they're reading it, and it doesn't worry me. This is the one place I let out all my "crazy". The one place that I am totally honest, even though I might be scared, or sad, or whatever. It doesn't matter. I come here, I say it all without worrying. How can you do that when you feel self-conscious?

Huh. Guess I lied up there ^ ... I don't think there is a point ... Oh, yeah. Now I remember. Welcome, "Dan". You know who you are! *lol* If you go back into the entries from Feb/March, or even April ... Please try to not fall over as you run away from me screaming :o) *lol* Seriously, just do me a favour, and don't tell me that you've read them! :o) Thanks!

Anyway. Tomorrow (or whenever I blog again) I will go back to my crazy, random, un-censored, totally honest, normal self :o) Something for you all to look forward to! So, the point is (Ha! Knew I had a point!), and this is mainly for "Dan": This is me. Totally raw, open and honest. And, oh yeah, you're going to learn pretty fast that I'm ... Well, kinda nuts! :o)

P.S. Dan, hope you have a great time at the deb :o) You'll do great! And don't forget, I want a picture!

P.P.S. ONE MORE SLEEP! Harry Potter 7 comes out tomorrow. If you don't hear from me for a couple of days, I'm not dead ... Just reading. And Snape? Totally a bad guy. Yep. If he's not ... I'm gonna be so disappointed.