I don't even know where to begin ...
I've been in Melbourne for the last few days. I went to see my sister and my nieces. I went to have a relaxing few days, chilling out, playing with the kids. I went to do some shopping.
It didn't quite go to plan, though.
Firstly, I decided to drive to Melbourne. Which I've never actually done before, but I figured it's only two and a half hours, how hard can it be? Usually I take the train, which takes two hours to get to Melbourne, then I get onto another train out to my sisters, which takes another hour and a half (if Connex hasn't cancelled services. Even if they have, the trains are usually packed.). So, I went "stuff it, I'm driving". I got directions off whereis.com.au, and left early on Thursday morning (6 a.m.).
Seriously? It would have been faster to take the freaking train.
I got lost. Somehow, somewhere, I must have taken a wrong turn. I ended up at Essendon (about 45 k's from my sisters) and I had no idea how to get back to where I needed to be. Add to that that it was freaking peak hour in Melbourne, bumper to bumper traffic, which I am not used to, and throw in the fact that everyone in that damn city drives like morons, and I was a little stressed.
Eventually, after running up a huge mobile phone bill on whereismobile.com (and visiting suburbs such as Tullamarine, Bayswater, Nunawadding, Donvale - none of which are really on the way to my sisters, might I add), I found my way. I got to my sisters a little after 10:30 a.m. FOUR AND A HALF HOURS OF DRIVING! FOR A TWO AND A HALF HOUR TRIP! The first thing I did? Take myself off to Knox City (big shopping centre) and spend a ridiculous amount of money on a GPS for my car. Considering I can barely pay my bills at the moment it probably wasn't a terrifically smart move, but oh my god, does it make things soooo much easier. Coming home today was about a thousand times less stressful, because all I had to turn was "turn right in 500 metres", and "turn left in 100 metres". Seriously, it was worth every single cent, and I'll be using it when I drive to my sisters again.
So ... Thursday I went to Knox with my three year old niece and we did some shopping. Obviously I tested her patience a little too much though, because once we were done shopping, and were on our way out, she started crying. And she cried the whole way home. She cried at an old man who asked her name, she cried at the bus driver who gave her a free ticket to cheer her up, she cried when we stopped at traffic lights ... And she cried when I started laughing at her. I know! Seriously, what kind of meanie laughs at a crying kid?! It was funny though. She was just over-tired, and no one was going to make her happy!
Thursday night, I was exhausted. Driving for hours, shopping and a loooong day had tired me out. I crashed at about 11 p.m ... only to be woken up at 11:30 by my sister, upset and yelling, because my brother rang (drunk, of course), threatening to kill himself.
Oh. My. God.
Then he hung up, and wouldn't answer his damn phone again. Hello, stress levels. A few minutes later, one of his ex-girlfriends, who is good friends with my sister, was banging on the front door, upset because he'd rung her to say goodbye, since he was nothing but a disappointment to everyone, and he couldn't handle this anymore ...
Oh. My. God.
So, my sister keeps ringing him, and finally he answers and they find out where he is. Olivia, his ex, goes to pick him up and take him home so he can sleep it off.
Nup.
He gets in her car, only to start crying and then jump out at traffic lights, saying he's going to kill himself, yada yada yada. So Olivia, not knowing what the hell to do, rings the police, and asks them to look for him. Meanwhile, my sister and I are still awake, worried, and not knowing what is going on. Eventually the police ring to tell us that they've found him and they're going to keep him for a few hours until he sleeps it off.
Finally, bed time?
No.
Baby Smurf, that gorgeous little niece of mine, decides to wake up. Screaming. Doesn't want a bottle, doesn't want to crawl around on the floor, doesn't want to do anything but scream because she's reallllly unhappy, and she wants the world to know it. We finally managed to get her to sleep just after 4 a.m.
Ahh, sleep.
I got just over 2 hours before little Bug Eyes, my other niece was up to start the day.
Needless to say, I was not at my best on Friday. We did some shopping at Knox, and spent the afternoon at home, hanging out. My sister rang my brother to tell him she'd had enough and that he's not welcome at her house anymore, she's sick of the lying and manipulating. He could only swear and carry on about being picked up by the police the night before.
Friday night, Baby Smurf was again the unhappiest kid in the world, and wouldn't take her bottle, which was a bit of a worry. She'd had nothing since Friday morning and my sister was worried about her dehydrating. This went on Friday night and Saturday morning, so she rang Nurse on Call, who advised her to take the Smurfette to the hospital to get her checked out. Six hours at the hospital showed up ... A healthy kid! A close examination of her mouth did reveal a white spot ... She's got a tooth coming in! So the nurses gave Amanda a syringe to shoot the milk into Smurfette's mouth :-) Saturday night she drank a full bottle this way, although she was still very unsettled.
She woke us at 2 a.m. this morning, still cranky, but she had another full bottle via the syringe. It was perfect timing, because it meant that I got to watch the end of the Storm game which was on Channel 9. What a freaking amazing finish! 45 seconds to go and the Storm won! Baby Smurf couldn't figure out why she wasn't the only one yelling in the loungeroom! :-)
Eventually, (a little after 3 a.m.) we all went back to bed. And this morning? Guess who woke up all smiles, with a brand new tooth poking through the gum?
Yep! She did it!
And she was like a totally different kid. For the last few days all she's done is cry and scream and cling to whoever's closest, but today? All smiles. And giggles. It was so awesome to see her feeling so much better!
So, after hanging out with the girls for a while, and cooking pancakes for breakfast, I started packing up to head home. I was so, so tired, (in the last 3 night I would have had maybe three hours each night) and I figured I'd better get going before I realised just how tired I was. As I'm packing, however, the phone rings.
My sister had given her MIL the rent money. And MIL was ringing to say that the rent money was $50 short.
It appears drunk, dickhead brother helped himself to the money last weekend while he was visiting.
Seriously. What next???
So then my sisters boyfriend cracked the shits and they had a screaming fight, which ended when he walked out. Ugh.
I stayed a while longer, helped bath the Smurf and talked to my sister, then I took off.
And now, I'm home. Tired, and just about ready to cry. It just feels like one thing after another, you know?
And my brother. What the hell?
I know I haven't spoken to him in a year and 9 months, and I didn't think that I cared about him that much, but the worry inside me at the moment is just ... Huge. I'm scared. So scared.
And the thing that scares me, and pisses me off, is that he won't change. He's had so many opportunities and he won't change. He keeps drinking and stuffing up and manipulating and lying and what the hell can be done? He's going to end up dead, because we can't frigging do a thing to make him realise that he's wrecking his goddamn life.
Where do we go from here? I'm not speaking to him. My sister isn't speaking to him. Dad has had enough as well. Mum is still trying, and he's breaking her heart. And he doesn't give a fuck, he won't CHANGE.
I don't even know what to say.
Showing posts with label Totally honest. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Totally honest. Show all posts
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Finally ...
I think i've finally come to the point in my life where
I am happy with myself and know that
I dont have to change or
be a certain way for people to like me anymore.
I am just fine and if someone doesnt think i am ...
screw them.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Here we go again ...
Last year, this happened.
Won't go into any more detail ... Suffice to say, it was one of the hardest things we've gone through as a family.
Since then, my brother and his girlfriend have broken up, got back together, moved back in together (regardless of the Protection Order DHS took out for Jordyn stating that Darren wasn't allowed to live with Jordyn). I've now lost all respect I had for my brothers girlfriend. She put Jordyn back in a shitty situation, and why? So she could be with Darren.
There's been a few incidents that have left niggling doubts in my mind about whether Darren should be around Jordyn. Jordyn broke his collarbone. Darren claimed it was because he'd thrown himself on the ground during a temper tantrum. There were some bruises on Jordyn in some photos they sent mum. Just normal kid stuff?
Anyway. Last week, when I was home at mum and dads, my brother rang. At 3 a.m. Drunk. He'd just kicked in a door and smashed a window.
Yeah. That's the kind of environment you want a three year old kid in.
Friday, when I got back to Bendigo. What was the very first thing I did?
Went online, looking for the number of FACS (Family and Childrens Services, as DHS is called in the NT). Once I'd found the number, I rang.
I rang knowing that this would probably tear my family apart again.
I rang knowing that Darren would think I was only doing this to hurt him.
I rang knowing that I'd just dumped my brother in so much deep shit that it was likely that not only would he lose Jordyn, but Lorri would probably lose Jordyn as well.
I rang knowing that the details that I'd given would soon give me away. It won't take them long to realise who has dobbed them in.
But when it comes down to it? I don't really care.
I know my family will get through this. We're strong. My mum can do anything, can hold it together through everything. We'll do what has to be done.
I know that it will be my fault. But I can live with that.
Because, really? All I care about is Jordyn. I want that kid to be happy. I want him to be allowed to play. I want him to be allowed to be a little bit naughty sometimes. All kids are. He should be able to laugh and do something he knows he's not meant to do, without being scared that dad will beat him for it. I want him to grow up in a home that doesn't have a drunk father. I want him to grow up in a house where the number one priority is JORDYN.
Anyway. I guess only time will tell what happens.
Won't go into any more detail ... Suffice to say, it was one of the hardest things we've gone through as a family.
Since then, my brother and his girlfriend have broken up, got back together, moved back in together (regardless of the Protection Order DHS took out for Jordyn stating that Darren wasn't allowed to live with Jordyn). I've now lost all respect I had for my brothers girlfriend. She put Jordyn back in a shitty situation, and why? So she could be with Darren.
There's been a few incidents that have left niggling doubts in my mind about whether Darren should be around Jordyn. Jordyn broke his collarbone. Darren claimed it was because he'd thrown himself on the ground during a temper tantrum. There were some bruises on Jordyn in some photos they sent mum. Just normal kid stuff?
Anyway. Last week, when I was home at mum and dads, my brother rang. At 3 a.m. Drunk. He'd just kicked in a door and smashed a window.
Yeah. That's the kind of environment you want a three year old kid in.
Friday, when I got back to Bendigo. What was the very first thing I did?
Went online, looking for the number of FACS (Family and Childrens Services, as DHS is called in the NT). Once I'd found the number, I rang.
I rang knowing that this would probably tear my family apart again.
I rang knowing that Darren would think I was only doing this to hurt him.
I rang knowing that I'd just dumped my brother in so much deep shit that it was likely that not only would he lose Jordyn, but Lorri would probably lose Jordyn as well.
I rang knowing that the details that I'd given would soon give me away. It won't take them long to realise who has dobbed them in.
But when it comes down to it? I don't really care.
I know my family will get through this. We're strong. My mum can do anything, can hold it together through everything. We'll do what has to be done.
I know that it will be my fault. But I can live with that.
Because, really? All I care about is Jordyn. I want that kid to be happy. I want him to be allowed to play. I want him to be allowed to be a little bit naughty sometimes. All kids are. He should be able to laugh and do something he knows he's not meant to do, without being scared that dad will beat him for it. I want him to grow up in a home that doesn't have a drunk father. I want him to grow up in a house where the number one priority is JORDYN.
Anyway. I guess only time will tell what happens.
Monday, May 05, 2008
'Jamina. Five years.
It was raining that day.
I remember thinking that it was just some stupid mistake. Thinking that I had to get home, because if I did, it'd all be okay. He wasn't dead. If I was home, I could prove that. I could change it.
I could show that it was just mistaken identity.
He wasn't dead. He couldn't be.
I remember getting inside, and Christine looking at me. She knew something was wrong, something was so very wrong, but I couldn't find the words to tell her.
I couldn't say it. "Ben is dead."
My Benjamina. God, he hated being called that.
Ben, who listened.
Ben, with the beautiful eyes.
Ben, with the quickest temper and the most amazing smile.
Ben, who laughed with me.
Ben, who was so young.
The tears didn't come until the funeral.
Every minute of that day will be forever etched into my mind.
Into my heart.
Grief is often so raw, so striking. I remember, every so often that I'd see his brother, when I was home for the holidays. Seeing him, so similar to Ben, thinking, just for a second that it was Ben, ready to call out, talk and catch up ...
Then, the realisation.
Ben's dead.
It's been five years.
Miss you, Benjamina.
I remember thinking that it was just some stupid mistake. Thinking that I had to get home, because if I did, it'd all be okay. He wasn't dead. If I was home, I could prove that. I could change it.
I could show that it was just mistaken identity.
He wasn't dead. He couldn't be.
I remember getting inside, and Christine looking at me. She knew something was wrong, something was so very wrong, but I couldn't find the words to tell her.
I couldn't say it. "Ben is dead."
My Benjamina. God, he hated being called that.
Ben, who listened.
Ben, with the beautiful eyes.
Ben, with the quickest temper and the most amazing smile.
Ben, who laughed with me.
Ben, who was so young.
The tears didn't come until the funeral.
Every minute of that day will be forever etched into my mind.
Into my heart.
Grief is often so raw, so striking. I remember, every so often that I'd see his brother, when I was home for the holidays. Seeing him, so similar to Ben, thinking, just for a second that it was Ben, ready to call out, talk and catch up ...
Then, the realisation.
Ben's dead.
It's been five years.
Miss you, Benjamina.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Would you believe me if I said I'm tired of this ...
It's been ... an interesting few days.
Bear with me here, as my thoughts are really all over the place.
I'm not sure if I've blogged about this yet, (and I'm too damn lazy to look ... Give me a break, it's late) but my brother, otherwise known on this blog as the f***wit, has decided to move his family to Alice Springs.
Alice Springs.
The middle of the freaking country, thousands of kilometres from us.
I don't care that he's gone. Good riddance to him.
All I care about is my nephew. My little man.
I went home to mum and dads on Sunday, as I didn't end up working. I surprised them for Easter. On Sunday night, mum rang my brothers girlfriend, to say Happy Easter and whatnot. I could honestly barely bring myself to speak to her.
In the past, I have done everything I could to help her, and my little man. I've been there for them. When all the stuff with the f***wit happened last year, I went and stayed with them for a week. They've been to stay with me. I've done all I could. Money. An ear to listen. A shoulder to cry on. Someone to help clean the house. A friend. I don't know what more I could do. And still, she went back to the f***wit.
Knowing full well what he was, what he'd done to their son, how he'd hurt my little man, how he'd hurt her, how he'd torn our family apart.
She went back to him.
And now, she's allowing him to move them to the middle of the goddamn country.
It just ... Defies common sense.
Moving thousands of kilometres away from your support system? Where you know no-one, and no-one knows you?
I've been doing some research in the last couple of days. Australia doesn't have a nation-wide child protection service. Each state/territory has it's own Department of Human Services/Department of Children Services, but there's nothing nation wide. If an abused child is moved from one state to another, unless someone does some searching and looks into it, that child will fall between the cracks in the system. How much does that suck? How many children are out there, falling through the cracks, continuing to be abused, because mum and dad packed up and moved because the Department of Human Services was onto them?
It's hard enough, knowing that they are a couple of hours away in Melbourne, not being able to be there, constantly watching, making sure everything is ok. It's always at the back of my mind ... What's going on? Is Jordyn ok? Has the f***wit hit him today? Is he getting enough to eat? Is my little man happy?
I don't understand why she's doing this. What part of her could possibly think that this is a GOOD idea?
It seems really obvious that her number one priority is not my little man. If she had his best interests at heart, if he was number one in her life, she would not be doing this. It is not the best thing for him.
Bear with me here, as my thoughts are really all over the place.
I'm not sure if I've blogged about this yet, (and I'm too damn lazy to look ... Give me a break, it's late) but my brother, otherwise known on this blog as the f***wit, has decided to move his family to Alice Springs.
Alice Springs.
The middle of the freaking country, thousands of kilometres from us.
I don't care that he's gone. Good riddance to him.
All I care about is my nephew. My little man.
I went home to mum and dads on Sunday, as I didn't end up working. I surprised them for Easter. On Sunday night, mum rang my brothers girlfriend, to say Happy Easter and whatnot. I could honestly barely bring myself to speak to her.
In the past, I have done everything I could to help her, and my little man. I've been there for them. When all the stuff with the f***wit happened last year, I went and stayed with them for a week. They've been to stay with me. I've done all I could. Money. An ear to listen. A shoulder to cry on. Someone to help clean the house. A friend. I don't know what more I could do. And still, she went back to the f***wit.
Knowing full well what he was, what he'd done to their son, how he'd hurt my little man, how he'd hurt her, how he'd torn our family apart.
She went back to him.
And now, she's allowing him to move them to the middle of the goddamn country.
It just ... Defies common sense.
Moving thousands of kilometres away from your support system? Where you know no-one, and no-one knows you?
I've been doing some research in the last couple of days. Australia doesn't have a nation-wide child protection service. Each state/territory has it's own Department of Human Services/Department of Children Services, but there's nothing nation wide. If an abused child is moved from one state to another, unless someone does some searching and looks into it, that child will fall between the cracks in the system. How much does that suck? How many children are out there, falling through the cracks, continuing to be abused, because mum and dad packed up and moved because the Department of Human Services was onto them?
It's hard enough, knowing that they are a couple of hours away in Melbourne, not being able to be there, constantly watching, making sure everything is ok. It's always at the back of my mind ... What's going on? Is Jordyn ok? Has the f***wit hit him today? Is he getting enough to eat? Is my little man happy?
I don't understand why she's doing this. What part of her could possibly think that this is a GOOD idea?
It seems really obvious that her number one priority is not my little man. If she had his best interests at heart, if he was number one in her life, she would not be doing this. It is not the best thing for him.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Monday, March 17, 2008
Tonight, I am tired.
I am tired of the constant, always-frigging-there back pain.
I am tired of the unending headaches.
I am tired of trying something new, getting my hopes up, only to realise that it's not working, nothing is working, why the hell isn't something working?
I am tired of taking painkillers to get through every single day.
I am tired of getting home from 4 hours at work, utterly exhausted, feeling like I've worked 9 hours.
I am tired of feeling old. I am 24.
I am tired of being tired, all the time. I'm always tired. Even after a full nights sleep, I'm still so tired.
I am tired of the nerve pain in my legs, arms, and neck.
Tonight, I am tired.
I am tired of the constant, always-frigging-there back pain.
I am tired of the unending headaches.
I am tired of trying something new, getting my hopes up, only to realise that it's not working, nothing is working, why the hell isn't something working?
I am tired of taking painkillers to get through every single day.
I am tired of getting home from 4 hours at work, utterly exhausted, feeling like I've worked 9 hours.
I am tired of feeling old. I am 24.
I am tired of being tired, all the time. I'm always tired. Even after a full nights sleep, I'm still so tired.
I am tired of the nerve pain in my legs, arms, and neck.
Tonight, I am tired.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Monday, July 23, 2007
Interesting ....
Hi! And welcome to your Monday! How's it going for you? Hope things are good.
~*~*
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows? Didn't disappoint. I cannot believe the twist with Snape! And all the deaths. JK Rowling has managed to construct the most complete universe in her books, and it all came to an end with book number 7. Everything made sense, it wasn't stupid or unfinished. It is one of the best books I have ever read. Give it a week or so and I'm going to say what I really think about all the different twists and turns, I won't just yet as I don't want to spoil it for anyone. Kudos to Kristie tho, who had an idea about the Snape twist. It ended up taking me until 3 am Sunday morning to finish the book. Chrissie and I got our copies at 10 on Saturday morning, and basically only stopped reading once (to go out for dinner on Saturday night). Have just started re-reading it again, I'm worried I missed some good stuff at the end since I was so tired.
~*~*
GO PIES. Collingwood had a good win on the weekend, beating the Bombers. Is it just me, or does anyone else thing that they should have won by a lot more? Maybe I expect too much, but the last few wins that Collingwood has had, I think that they should have been greater. They will have an awesome lead, and it's like they just chill out for a few minutes. The other team gets some goals, and the margin is back to one or two goals ... ?! Anyway. Collingwood will be there in September, which is awesome. They won't make it to that "one day in September" though, unless they pull their socks up a bit ... God I hope they can do it! I know everyone's raving on about the Cats at the moment, and they'll be in the September action, but can they keep the awesome form going and make it to the Grand Final? God, I hope that Hawthorn have a crappy run home. I cannot stand them, and I will shoot myself in the foot if they are in the finals! Looked at the ladder this morning and was a bit surprised to see West Coast so high, I hadn't realised they'd been winning so many games. At the moment they're above my Pies! God no! Ahh well ...
~*~*
Went home to see my mum and dad yesterday. It was ... interesting. And as "Dan" (wink wink, don't worry, "Dan", no one will know who you are! [And if you're looking for the entry about you, go back to Friday]) pointed out, interesting is better than not interesting. Well, yes, that's true, but I honestly think I'd rather not interesting!
So, here's the deal. I haven't said much about my brother lately.
That's because, as far as I'm concerned, he doesn't exist. I cannot, will not, and do not want to forgive him for the way he treated my nephew, my gorgeous little man, Jordyn, and his girlfriend Lorri.
I don't care what anyone thinks. This is the way I feel. I don't care if you judge me for feeling this way. You are not in my shoes.
I have told my mother that I will speak to him again when he changes. When he shows that he is sorry for what he did. When he has an attitude adjustment. When he realises how much he has hurt so many people. When he grows up and puts his son first.
Until then? Nup. Don't care. Don't want anything to do with him.
So, anyway. At first, that is for Jan/Feb/March/April/May and some of June, I was so angry. So pissed off, hurt, upset. I didn't want to be reasonable about it, I didn't want anyone to make excuses for my f***wit of a brother, I wanted to be angry.
---- Sorry, had to stop writing because my mum arrived. She's down for the night. We went and did some shopping ---- [Continued at 5:45 p.m.]
But lately, in the last 4 to 6 weeks or so, the anger has gone. Replaced by acceptance, plain and simple. I no longer want to scream at him, and bash his head against the wall, trying to make him see sense, trying to make him see what he's done - to his son, to his girlfriend, to our whole family. I just ... accept it. Quietly. And I no longer ask about him. No more enquiring what he's up to, whether he's at mum and dads or in Melbourne. Don't care, don't want to know.
So when I went home on Sunday, I wasn't sure if he'd be there, or not. I was pretty sure he'd moved to Melbourne. I thought he was staying with my sister. But yesterday, mum had a few things to tell me.
Darren and Lorri (his girlfriend, Jordyn's mum) have broken up.
Darren is living in Melbourne - but not with Amanda. With his new girlfriend.
Lorri has been in Wangaratta for the last 3 weeks or something, trying to deal with the break-up.
Hmmmm .... Interesting.
I can't really explain how happy I felt ... As horrible as this sounds, and as mean as it may seem, I'm *glad* that it happened. I'm *glad* that they broke up. Isn't that awful? I'm happy that my nephew no longer has parents who are together. Wow - that does sound really awful. But I'm happy. Lorri deserves better. Maybe this will make the f***wit into a better person. I don't know. I don't really care, either, to be honest. All I care about is Lorri and Jordyn. And I'm so happy for them! :o)
~*~*
Had my haircut before when we went shopping ... Ok, no one with scissors is ever coming near me again. I asked for a *LITTLE* bit off my fringe. The hairdresser decided to layer my fringe -- I don't know whether she stuffed it up and had to fix it, or whether it's meant to be really short ... But it looks awful! I don't like it.
~*~*
My new niece? Will be named ... Amy Lee. Yep. Her older sister is named Amber Lee. Okkkk ...
~*~*
Ok, I'm out. Have more to write, but I'm in the middle of cooking lasange. So I'm gonna take off before I burn something :o)
Peace, love and laughter!
~*~*
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows? Didn't disappoint. I cannot believe the twist with Snape! And all the deaths. JK Rowling has managed to construct the most complete universe in her books, and it all came to an end with book number 7. Everything made sense, it wasn't stupid or unfinished. It is one of the best books I have ever read. Give it a week or so and I'm going to say what I really think about all the different twists and turns, I won't just yet as I don't want to spoil it for anyone. Kudos to Kristie tho, who had an idea about the Snape twist. It ended up taking me until 3 am Sunday morning to finish the book. Chrissie and I got our copies at 10 on Saturday morning, and basically only stopped reading once (to go out for dinner on Saturday night). Have just started re-reading it again, I'm worried I missed some good stuff at the end since I was so tired.
~*~*
GO PIES. Collingwood had a good win on the weekend, beating the Bombers. Is it just me, or does anyone else thing that they should have won by a lot more? Maybe I expect too much, but the last few wins that Collingwood has had, I think that they should have been greater. They will have an awesome lead, and it's like they just chill out for a few minutes. The other team gets some goals, and the margin is back to one or two goals ... ?! Anyway. Collingwood will be there in September, which is awesome. They won't make it to that "one day in September" though, unless they pull their socks up a bit ... God I hope they can do it! I know everyone's raving on about the Cats at the moment, and they'll be in the September action, but can they keep the awesome form going and make it to the Grand Final? God, I hope that Hawthorn have a crappy run home. I cannot stand them, and I will shoot myself in the foot if they are in the finals! Looked at the ladder this morning and was a bit surprised to see West Coast so high, I hadn't realised they'd been winning so many games. At the moment they're above my Pies! God no! Ahh well ...
~*~*
Went home to see my mum and dad yesterday. It was ... interesting. And as "Dan" (wink wink, don't worry, "Dan", no one will know who you are! [And if you're looking for the entry about you, go back to Friday]) pointed out, interesting is better than not interesting. Well, yes, that's true, but I honestly think I'd rather not interesting!
So, here's the deal. I haven't said much about my brother lately.
That's because, as far as I'm concerned, he doesn't exist. I cannot, will not, and do not want to forgive him for the way he treated my nephew, my gorgeous little man, Jordyn, and his girlfriend Lorri.
I don't care what anyone thinks. This is the way I feel. I don't care if you judge me for feeling this way. You are not in my shoes.
I have told my mother that I will speak to him again when he changes. When he shows that he is sorry for what he did. When he has an attitude adjustment. When he realises how much he has hurt so many people. When he grows up and puts his son first.
Until then? Nup. Don't care. Don't want anything to do with him.
So, anyway. At first, that is for Jan/Feb/March/April/May and some of June, I was so angry. So pissed off, hurt, upset. I didn't want to be reasonable about it, I didn't want anyone to make excuses for my f***wit of a brother, I wanted to be angry.
---- Sorry, had to stop writing because my mum arrived. She's down for the night. We went and did some shopping ---- [Continued at 5:45 p.m.]
But lately, in the last 4 to 6 weeks or so, the anger has gone. Replaced by acceptance, plain and simple. I no longer want to scream at him, and bash his head against the wall, trying to make him see sense, trying to make him see what he's done - to his son, to his girlfriend, to our whole family. I just ... accept it. Quietly. And I no longer ask about him. No more enquiring what he's up to, whether he's at mum and dads or in Melbourne. Don't care, don't want to know.
So when I went home on Sunday, I wasn't sure if he'd be there, or not. I was pretty sure he'd moved to Melbourne. I thought he was staying with my sister. But yesterday, mum had a few things to tell me.
Darren and Lorri (his girlfriend, Jordyn's mum) have broken up.
Darren is living in Melbourne - but not with Amanda. With his new girlfriend.
Lorri has been in Wangaratta for the last 3 weeks or something, trying to deal with the break-up.
Hmmmm .... Interesting.
I can't really explain how happy I felt ... As horrible as this sounds, and as mean as it may seem, I'm *glad* that it happened. I'm *glad* that they broke up. Isn't that awful? I'm happy that my nephew no longer has parents who are together. Wow - that does sound really awful. But I'm happy. Lorri deserves better. Maybe this will make the f***wit into a better person. I don't know. I don't really care, either, to be honest. All I care about is Lorri and Jordyn. And I'm so happy for them! :o)
~*~*
Had my haircut before when we went shopping ... Ok, no one with scissors is ever coming near me again. I asked for a *LITTLE* bit off my fringe. The hairdresser decided to layer my fringe -- I don't know whether she stuffed it up and had to fix it, or whether it's meant to be really short ... But it looks awful! I don't like it.
~*~*
My new niece? Will be named ... Amy Lee. Yep. Her older sister is named Amber Lee. Okkkk ...
~*~*
Ok, I'm out. Have more to write, but I'm in the middle of cooking lasange. So I'm gonna take off before I burn something :o)
Peace, love and laughter!
Friday, July 20, 2007
Self-conscious ...
So, here's the thing.
I love writing. I like to blog. This is my journal. My place to vent. Need to think something through? I come here and write my thoughts down. Need to deal with something? Get it all out, write it down. Want to say congrats to someone, or put some photos on the net? I do it on this page. Can't sleep and it's 4am and I'm bored? I'll come on here and babble about nothing.
And, so far, you know, it's worked great for me. When the whole thing happened with my brother, I wrote it all out. (Well, I sure as hell couldn't talk to anyone about it ...) When I lost my job, I was on here a few hours after it happened, unable to sleep, with everything just falling apart around me. Happy, sad, stupid, chaotic, funny, calm ... It's all here.
I generally don't censor what I write. I don't write for anyone other than me. I don't stop and think too much about what I want to write. Because it's not as honest, not as real, if you put too much thought into it (beforehand, anyway ... You should probably think while you're writing...!).
I don't worry about anyones feelings when I write. I don't care if someone gets offended by me swearing or something like that. Why? Because it's for me. I write for me. I don't care what anyone else thinks, you know? My writing may not be perfect, it may not be funny, it may not always be grammatically correct, or witty, or meaningful, but I don't care. As long as I write about whatever is happening, or I write about whatever is bothering me, then I'm happy. As long as I'm honest, and I don't lie to myself, then I'm happy.
[This may seem like another random, disjointed entry, but there is a point, I promise you!]
So, last night I was talking to someone online. I like this someone. I think he is funny, and pretty damn cool, and my god, the man does things with his tongue that make you moan ... Er. Sorry. Slightly off topic. Let's call him ... Oh, I don't know ... Something wild ... Dan. So "Dan" wanted this website address. For some reason it didn't occur to me that he wanted it so he could read this blog. (I don't know what I thought he was going to do with it ... ?)
Anyway. When I realised that "Dan" was reading this blog ... Ok, when "Dan" told me ... For the first time ever, it made me self-conscious to know that someone was reading this blog. Why? I don't know. I know friends who read it. I know friends who email me if I haven't done an entry for a few days (Hey, Megsy!). I know they're reading it, and it doesn't worry me. This is the one place I let out all my "crazy". The one place that I am totally honest, even though I might be scared, or sad, or whatever. It doesn't matter. I come here, I say it all without worrying. How can you do that when you feel self-conscious?
Huh. Guess I lied up there ^ ... I don't think there is a point ... Oh, yeah. Now I remember. Welcome, "Dan". You know who you are! *lol* If you go back into the entries from Feb/March, or even April ... Please try to not fall over as you run away from me screaming :o) *lol* Seriously, just do me a favour, and don't tell me that you've read them! :o) Thanks!
Anyway. Tomorrow (or whenever I blog again) I will go back to my crazy, random, un-censored, totally honest, normal self :o) Something for you all to look forward to! So, the point is (Ha! Knew I had a point!), and this is mainly for "Dan": This is me. Totally raw, open and honest. And, oh yeah, you're going to learn pretty fast that I'm ... Well, kinda nuts! :o)
P.S. Dan, hope you have a great time at the deb :o) You'll do great! And don't forget, I want a picture!
P.P.S. ONE MORE SLEEP! Harry Potter 7 comes out tomorrow. If you don't hear from me for a couple of days, I'm not dead ... Just reading. And Snape? Totally a bad guy. Yep. If he's not ... I'm gonna be so disappointed.
I love writing. I like to blog. This is my journal. My place to vent. Need to think something through? I come here and write my thoughts down. Need to deal with something? Get it all out, write it down. Want to say congrats to someone, or put some photos on the net? I do it on this page. Can't sleep and it's 4am and I'm bored? I'll come on here and babble about nothing.
And, so far, you know, it's worked great for me. When the whole thing happened with my brother, I wrote it all out. (Well, I sure as hell couldn't talk to anyone about it ...) When I lost my job, I was on here a few hours after it happened, unable to sleep, with everything just falling apart around me. Happy, sad, stupid, chaotic, funny, calm ... It's all here.
I generally don't censor what I write. I don't write for anyone other than me. I don't stop and think too much about what I want to write. Because it's not as honest, not as real, if you put too much thought into it (beforehand, anyway ... You should probably think while you're writing...!).
I don't worry about anyones feelings when I write. I don't care if someone gets offended by me swearing or something like that. Why? Because it's for me. I write for me. I don't care what anyone else thinks, you know? My writing may not be perfect, it may not be funny, it may not always be grammatically correct, or witty, or meaningful, but I don't care. As long as I write about whatever is happening, or I write about whatever is bothering me, then I'm happy. As long as I'm honest, and I don't lie to myself, then I'm happy.
[This may seem like another random, disjointed entry, but there is a point, I promise you!]
So, last night I was talking to someone online. I like this someone. I think he is funny, and pretty damn cool, and my god, the man does things with his tongue that make you moan ... Er. Sorry. Slightly off topic. Let's call him ... Oh, I don't know ... Something wild ... Dan. So "Dan" wanted this website address. For some reason it didn't occur to me that he wanted it so he could read this blog. (I don't know what I thought he was going to do with it ... ?)
Anyway. When I realised that "Dan" was reading this blog ... Ok, when "Dan" told me ... For the first time ever, it made me self-conscious to know that someone was reading this blog. Why? I don't know. I know friends who read it. I know friends who email me if I haven't done an entry for a few days (Hey, Megsy!). I know they're reading it, and it doesn't worry me. This is the one place I let out all my "crazy". The one place that I am totally honest, even though I might be scared, or sad, or whatever. It doesn't matter. I come here, I say it all without worrying. How can you do that when you feel self-conscious?
Huh. Guess I lied up there ^ ... I don't think there is a point ... Oh, yeah. Now I remember. Welcome, "Dan". You know who you are! *lol* If you go back into the entries from Feb/March, or even April ... Please try to not fall over as you run away from me screaming :o) *lol* Seriously, just do me a favour, and don't tell me that you've read them! :o) Thanks!
Anyway. Tomorrow (or whenever I blog again) I will go back to my crazy, random, un-censored, totally honest, normal self :o) Something for you all to look forward to! So, the point is (Ha! Knew I had a point!), and this is mainly for "Dan": This is me. Totally raw, open and honest. And, oh yeah, you're going to learn pretty fast that I'm ... Well, kinda nuts! :o)
P.S. Dan, hope you have a great time at the deb :o) You'll do great! And don't forget, I want a picture!
P.P.S. ONE MORE SLEEP! Harry Potter 7 comes out tomorrow. If you don't hear from me for a couple of days, I'm not dead ... Just reading. And Snape? Totally a bad guy. Yep. If he's not ... I'm gonna be so disappointed.
Monday, March 19, 2007
Just unhappy ...
Argh, I don't know what the hell is wrong with me.
I feel so down again. I don't know. I think everything is just getting to me. I have no job. I'm getting rid of all the things that I worked my arse off to buy, getting back a fraction of the money I paid out, just to pay my rent. After I sell all this stuff, how am I meant to pay rent?
I feel so disconnected from everything. I've deferred from uni for an indefinite period of time. All I'm doing is sleeping and doing nothing around the house. I laugh occasionally, and if I'm with people then of course I act "fine" and "okay" but once I'm alone again then it's back to quiet, and depressed.
I need to do something, I can't keep going like this. I guess the truth of the matter is that I'm unhappy. Plan and simple. Unhappy. Depressed. Just ... Not me.
I don't know.
Where am I going? What the hell am I doing? What do I want?
I feel so down again. I don't know. I think everything is just getting to me. I have no job. I'm getting rid of all the things that I worked my arse off to buy, getting back a fraction of the money I paid out, just to pay my rent. After I sell all this stuff, how am I meant to pay rent?
I feel so disconnected from everything. I've deferred from uni for an indefinite period of time. All I'm doing is sleeping and doing nothing around the house. I laugh occasionally, and if I'm with people then of course I act "fine" and "okay" but once I'm alone again then it's back to quiet, and depressed.
I need to do something, I can't keep going like this. I guess the truth of the matter is that I'm unhappy. Plan and simple. Unhappy. Depressed. Just ... Not me.
I don't know.
Where am I going? What the hell am I doing? What do I want?
Saturday, March 17, 2007
Eh ... ?
Realistically, I know that I've lost my job. But it kind of feels as if I'm simply on holidays ...
Anyway, there's not much happening here. My sister rang on Thursday to tell me that I'm going to be an aunty again (for the 3rd time). Gotta say, it wasn't really a suprise, and I don't think this baby was an "accident". I don't think mum is too happy about it, but what can you do?
Thursday was a busy day, I had my house inspection in the morning, which went well, and then I went to centrelink, to be told (after I'd stood in line for 25 freakin minutes) that I have to apply over the phone. So I came home and rang up, only to be told that I have to wait 6 weeks to apply. 6 weeks. What am I meant to live on in the mean time??
Also had the appointment with the psychiatrist (is that spelt right?) on Thursday. It went pretty well. I feel like ... this whole thing has made me realise that trying to please everyone else, and putting everyone else first, isn't any way to live. So I'll be saying what I think from now on, and doing what I want, and saying "NO" to people if they want me to do something that's a bit too much. I think the whole problem has been that I just took on too much, and instead of trying to stop and ask for help, instead of thinking about it, and dealing with it properly, I just kept going. And look where it landed me! No job + mental breakdown = not the best position to be in.
Yesterday was a down day, very quiet all morning, and then I slept all afternoon. Got up, had some dinner, watched the NRL (thank god it's back!) then fell asleep on the couch again, and slept there all night. I think I need some kind of routine, because I am tired all the time. And I know that's from not doing much, as well as the depression, and I can't keep sleeping all the time. This morning it was 11 a.m. before I got out of bed, and I went to sleep about 11 p.m. last night! 12 hours! So I think today I might try to work out a routine and see how I go.
Anyway. I've yet to have a shower or get organised for today (not that I have any plans ...) so I should probably go do something about that.
** "Later, dudes" **
Anyway, there's not much happening here. My sister rang on Thursday to tell me that I'm going to be an aunty again (for the 3rd time). Gotta say, it wasn't really a suprise, and I don't think this baby was an "accident". I don't think mum is too happy about it, but what can you do?
Thursday was a busy day, I had my house inspection in the morning, which went well, and then I went to centrelink, to be told (after I'd stood in line for 25 freakin minutes) that I have to apply over the phone. So I came home and rang up, only to be told that I have to wait 6 weeks to apply. 6 weeks. What am I meant to live on in the mean time??
Also had the appointment with the psychiatrist (is that spelt right?) on Thursday. It went pretty well. I feel like ... this whole thing has made me realise that trying to please everyone else, and putting everyone else first, isn't any way to live. So I'll be saying what I think from now on, and doing what I want, and saying "NO" to people if they want me to do something that's a bit too much. I think the whole problem has been that I just took on too much, and instead of trying to stop and ask for help, instead of thinking about it, and dealing with it properly, I just kept going. And look where it landed me! No job + mental breakdown = not the best position to be in.
Yesterday was a down day, very quiet all morning, and then I slept all afternoon. Got up, had some dinner, watched the NRL (thank god it's back!) then fell asleep on the couch again, and slept there all night. I think I need some kind of routine, because I am tired all the time. And I know that's from not doing much, as well as the depression, and I can't keep sleeping all the time. This morning it was 11 a.m. before I got out of bed, and I went to sleep about 11 p.m. last night! 12 hours! So I think today I might try to work out a routine and see how I go.
Anyway. I've yet to have a shower or get organised for today (not that I have any plans ...) so I should probably go do something about that.
** "Later, dudes" **
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Wow, what a fuck-up ...
So tonight, I can't sleep.
Everything has fallen apart. Well and truly, completely, totally fallen to the shit-house.
Bit by bit, I've been losing control over the last couple of months. I don't even know how to describe it. It's just ... slowly, I've felt myself losing my grip on the *perfect* life, and the *perfect* personality everyone expects me to have. I ... don't know what the hell is wrong with me.
And tonight, I lost my job. As a direct result of all this shit. Because of things I've done (without realising) and not being able to talk to someone, about everything I'm thinking, and feeling. For the last couple of months, I've been "losing" days, or parts of days ... Not being able to remember what the hell I've done, or where I've been. And that's also been happening at work.
So now, I have no job. And a feeling of utter terror inside me that I'm going to have to tell my parents what's going on. How can I do that? They have enough to deal with, how am I meant to tell them what's going on with me? I can't even comprehend telling them, making them worry. That's not me. I don't make them worry. I'm the *good* child, the one who doesn't cause any problems, who just quietly goes about making things all good, looking after herself.
God, what a total fuck up.
I'm so very, very tired. But I can't sleep. I lie there, with my eyes closed, willing sleep to happen, but it won't work for me. I don't know. My head is pounding, so badly, and I just want to go to sleep and wake up to find out this has all been just a bad dream, but I know that won't happen.
I don't know where I'm meant to go from here. How do I put all the pieces back together??? How the hell am I meant to do that??? I don't even know where to start. Uni, family, my sleeping & eating habits, employment ... Everything is a mess. I feel like it's not going to go back together. The puzzle is stuffed, someone's stolen all the pieces, and it won't fit back together. I feel like just leaving. Disappearing. Because then no one would have to worry. I know it doesn't work like that, but I want so badly to just go.
I don't know. I just don't know. I need sleep, god do I need sleep, but I can't sleep. My head hurts to much, and the thoughts just won't stop going around and around.
I. Don't. KNOW.
Everything has fallen apart. Well and truly, completely, totally fallen to the shit-house.
Bit by bit, I've been losing control over the last couple of months. I don't even know how to describe it. It's just ... slowly, I've felt myself losing my grip on the *perfect* life, and the *perfect* personality everyone expects me to have. I ... don't know what the hell is wrong with me.
And tonight, I lost my job. As a direct result of all this shit. Because of things I've done (without realising) and not being able to talk to someone, about everything I'm thinking, and feeling. For the last couple of months, I've been "losing" days, or parts of days ... Not being able to remember what the hell I've done, or where I've been. And that's also been happening at work.
So now, I have no job. And a feeling of utter terror inside me that I'm going to have to tell my parents what's going on. How can I do that? They have enough to deal with, how am I meant to tell them what's going on with me? I can't even comprehend telling them, making them worry. That's not me. I don't make them worry. I'm the *good* child, the one who doesn't cause any problems, who just quietly goes about making things all good, looking after herself.
God, what a total fuck up.
I'm so very, very tired. But I can't sleep. I lie there, with my eyes closed, willing sleep to happen, but it won't work for me. I don't know. My head is pounding, so badly, and I just want to go to sleep and wake up to find out this has all been just a bad dream, but I know that won't happen.
I don't know where I'm meant to go from here. How do I put all the pieces back together??? How the hell am I meant to do that??? I don't even know where to start. Uni, family, my sleeping & eating habits, employment ... Everything is a mess. I feel like it's not going to go back together. The puzzle is stuffed, someone's stolen all the pieces, and it won't fit back together. I feel like just leaving. Disappearing. Because then no one would have to worry. I know it doesn't work like that, but I want so badly to just go.
I don't know. I just don't know. I need sleep, god do I need sleep, but I can't sleep. My head hurts to much, and the thoughts just won't stop going around and around.
I. Don't. KNOW.
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
For *Mel* ... Miss you, Mel.
search no more your wandering star
you've found a place, a hand to hold, in gods loving care
and those of us you've left behind
we'll search our memories and then we'll find
a smile within our tears
The **full** story about my family situation
** copied from my other blog **
** originally posted on the 21/01/2007, on my msn space **
full update on the last 2 weeks ...
so ... as you may have guessed, my holidays didnt explain turn out to be all that relaxing or fun ...
um ... where to start. ok, my first day of holidays was tuesday the 9th. the next day i went to melbourne to stay with amanda. i planned on staying there from wednesday to sunday. on thursday darren and lorri finished up at QEC, which is where they had been staying for 2 weeks. Department of Human Services (DHS) were concerned about Jordyn, that he wasnt where he should be developmentally and they were also worried because he's fairly small for his age. so darren and lorri had to stay at the Queen Elizabeth Centre (QEC) in melbourne for 2 weeks, so DHS could see how the parented Jordyn. the QEC also runs programs and stuff during the day to help people become better parents.
anyway.
darren and lorri and jordyn got to amanda's on thursday afternoon with the news that DHS had taken out a protection order for jordyn, based on what they'd observed in the 2 weeks the three of them were at the QEC. the protection order was against darren, saying that he was not allowed to be near jordyn at all, and that he could not go home to their house to live. it was only a temporary protection order, for 8 days. the following friday, DHS would take it back to court after they had decided whether to extend the order or allow darren to go home.
on thursday night while darren and lorri were at amanda's, i refused to speak to darren because of the way he treated lorri and jordyn, and the way he spoke to them. so i spent most of thursday night in the spare room at amandas, avoiding darren. lorri and jordyn only stayed at amandas for an hour or so, before leaving for home.
on friday morning, i decided to go home early. i left amandas at 9, and was home in bendigo at 1. i knew that if i stayed, darren and i would end up in a massive fight, because i was so angry at him, and the way he was being such an asshole.
friday night, christine and jason came to stay. they went out to get some dinner, while i hung around home. while they were gone, lorri rang. remembering what she said still makes me want to cry.
lorri told me that darren had hit jordyn, at least twice that she knew of.
lorri told me that darren had been abusive/agressive and violent toward her.
i got off the phone, and i was so angry and upset. i rang amanda and told her to tell darren that i never wanted to speak to him again, and that as far as i was concerned, i no longer had a brother, and he didnt exist. i was yelling and crying, and i can honestly say i hated darren right then. and if he'd been standing in front of me, i would have attacked him.
i hated him.
christine and jason got back here to find me crying, and i spent the night saying to christine ... "he's just a kid. jordyn's just a gorgeous kid. and darren fucking hit him. HE'S JUST A KID!"
saturday i'd calmed down a bit. i didnt want to ruin christine and jason's weekend, so i spent the day being a dickhead with chrissie. i got out of the house for a while so they'd have some time alone. saturday night we all watched tennis and a dvd.
sunday morning we all got up about 11 and made pancakes, and somehow christine and i ended up having a food fight ... not a massive one, but about 1 when i was still cleaning jam out of my hair and off my face my mum rang.
mum rang to tell me that on saturday night darren had overdosed and was in hospital.
mum was hysterical, so i spent the first 10 minutes of the phonecall trying to get her to calm down. she said she would be coming to bendigo, then going to melbourne to see him and lorri and jordyn. she asked if i wanted to go with her, and i said no.
i didnt think i could handle it, i was so upset and angry with darren still, and i was just ... confused. i dont know. i got off the phone and chrissie and jason were standing there just looking at me, trying to figure out what was going on. i was shaking and for some reason my voice just didnt want to work. the tears were also starting to fall.
jason left a few minutes later, and chrissie sat with me on the couch as i cried and cried. i didnt even know why i was really crying. i just cried and cried, big huge sobs, that just didnt want to stop. about half an hour later i got myself together, and rang to see if mum had left yet and dad said she had. he also asked me to go to melbourne with mum, so i said i'd think about it.
i ended up throwing some stuff into my backpack and jumping on the train with mum. when we got to melbourne, lorri and jordyn had driven in from phillip island to pick us up. it took about 2 hours to get back out to phillip island, and i spent the whole time entertaining jordyn while mum and lorri talked about everything.
when we finally got to lorri's house, mum and lorri took off for the hospital and i stayed at the house with jordyn. i gave him some tea and then put him to bed. then i spent the next 3 hours just wandering around the house ... cleaning, crying, thinking, trying to watch tennis, answering the phone ... it was all so surreal.
mum and lorri got home from the hospital about midnight. they said that darren was ok, but that they thought he was up to something, because everything mum said he agreed with. mum told darren he was going home to kerang to live with mum and dad again, and that he would be getting a job and going to counselling.
on monday darren was discharged from hospital. because he couldnt go back to house if jordyn was there, lorri drove him and mum to melbourne to stay at amandas. i stayed with jordyn again, we spent the afternoon just hanging out, with me trying to make sense of everything ... i didnt have much luck.
lorri got home late monday night and we decided i'd stay with her and jordyn until thursday. on tuesday mum and darren went home to kerang. it was friggin hot on tuesday, even on the island with the sea breeze. the power went out on tuesday night so we ended up going to the beach for a couple of hours. just getting out of the house, no phones, just jordyn and lorri and i, chilling out, was so awesome. i think it was what we all needed, just a couple of hours so we didnt have to think about any of it, we just focused on making sure jordyn was having fun splashing around in the water. we all had a great time.
we got home tuesday night and darren had rung lorri a few times, and she went onto msn messenger and he was on their hassling her about whether or not she was going to wait for him, whether she'd find someone else while he was away and all that kind of crap.
there was NO MENTION of his son, my gorgeous little nephew JORDYN.
(mum said that on sunday night, darren didnt ask about jordyn either or even mention him)
wednesday lorri and i decided to get out of the house again and we went for a walk down the main street and had a look in a few shops. i spoilt my gorgeous little man, buying him heaps! wednesday night lorri and i had another long talk, where i turned into counsellor rach again (for the 500th time that week!)
thursday morning darren rang while lorri was stll in bed, and turned into a fucking asshole when i told him i wasnt going to wake lorri up just so he could talk to her. he rang again half an hour later and he had another go at me so i ended up saying goodbye and just hanging up. then lorri and i took jordyn into the maternal health nurse, and we left straight for melbourne from there.
ok, i started this entry 50 minutes ago so i might take a break ... think it must be getting near the word limit anyway.
read previous entry first. this is my second entry tonight ... a continuation.
um ... where was i ...
thursday ... got into the station and the next train wasnt for an hour, and as it was still fairly warm i told lorri not to wait around for me to leave. i didnt want jordyn in the heat, and i knew lorri had a long trip home.
i think them leaving made me finally realising how much i'd been avoiding dealing with everything that had happened. because all week, all i was focused on was lorri and jordyn. so i got on the train with nothing to do but think.
and that was when the tears started.
i cried on and off all the way to bendigo (thank god for sunglasses to hide behind). it wasnt lots of crying, just a few tears here and there before i could get myself together again before i'd get upset and have another little cry, then i'd calm down ... needless to say, it was a long trip home. not helped by the fact that a pushy old lady moved my bag and sat right next to me, also taking up half my seat in the process. if there's one thing i really hate, it's sitting next to someone on the train or bus. i cant handle it, i just hate it.
anyway.
when i got home, late thursday arvo, it really hit me. just me here, with nothing to do but think about every single thing that had happened. i had no one to worry about, no gorgeous little man to entertain, no upset sister in law to talk to ... just me. and my thoughts. and my DAMN TEARS. i ended up sitting on my bed, having a total breakdown, crying for 40 minutes, just letting everything out. i know i probably needed it, but it was confusing, because i didnt know why i was crying, who i was crying for, and i didnt understand why i couldnt stop crying.
finally calmed myself down and sat on the couch, just staring out the window for a while. so many thoughts just kept going back and forth ...
what if darren had died?
why did he do that? was he really trying to kill himself or did he just want sympathy?
what the hell had he been doing to jordyn?
why hadnt lorri said something about how darren had treated her?
why hadnt i noticed that something was wrong? why hadnt SOMEONE noticed that something was wrong?
is jordyn going to be ok? is lorri going to be ok?
whats going to happen now, how the hell are we going to deal with this?
what the hell .... ????????
friday afternoon i went back to work ... thought i should speak to lisa about what was going on in case i need to take more time off work ... got about 2 words out (no joke) before the tears started AGAIN. lisa was really good, i told her everything that was going on and she was actually really nice and supportive and said just to tell her if i need time off or anything.
friday night mum rang to say that DHS had gone back to court. the protection order was extended. for 12 MONTHS. which im so happy about. darren doesnt deserve lorri and jordyn, and hopefully 12 months will give him time to grow the fuck up and become a decent partner and father.
anyway, there's more to say, but i worked this morning (yesterday morning now, it's after 12) so i was up at 5 after only 4 hours sleep, so i might have to go crash. im friggin exhausted. tonight i will be sleeping in my own bed for the first time since tuesday 9th. yeah, seriously. when i got home from melb, christine and jason had my room, then i was at lorri's, and since i got home thursday night i've been sleeping in the lounge with the airconditioner coz inside the house has been fairly hot and yuckky, but tonight the house is nice and cool so i can sleep in my BED! woo hoo.
** originally posted on the 21/01/2007, on my msn space **
full update on the last 2 weeks ...
so ... as you may have guessed, my holidays didnt explain turn out to be all that relaxing or fun ...
um ... where to start. ok, my first day of holidays was tuesday the 9th. the next day i went to melbourne to stay with amanda. i planned on staying there from wednesday to sunday. on thursday darren and lorri finished up at QEC, which is where they had been staying for 2 weeks. Department of Human Services (DHS) were concerned about Jordyn, that he wasnt where he should be developmentally and they were also worried because he's fairly small for his age. so darren and lorri had to stay at the Queen Elizabeth Centre (QEC) in melbourne for 2 weeks, so DHS could see how the parented Jordyn. the QEC also runs programs and stuff during the day to help people become better parents.
anyway.
darren and lorri and jordyn got to amanda's on thursday afternoon with the news that DHS had taken out a protection order for jordyn, based on what they'd observed in the 2 weeks the three of them were at the QEC. the protection order was against darren, saying that he was not allowed to be near jordyn at all, and that he could not go home to their house to live. it was only a temporary protection order, for 8 days. the following friday, DHS would take it back to court after they had decided whether to extend the order or allow darren to go home.
on thursday night while darren and lorri were at amanda's, i refused to speak to darren because of the way he treated lorri and jordyn, and the way he spoke to them. so i spent most of thursday night in the spare room at amandas, avoiding darren. lorri and jordyn only stayed at amandas for an hour or so, before leaving for home.
on friday morning, i decided to go home early. i left amandas at 9, and was home in bendigo at 1. i knew that if i stayed, darren and i would end up in a massive fight, because i was so angry at him, and the way he was being such an asshole.
friday night, christine and jason came to stay. they went out to get some dinner, while i hung around home. while they were gone, lorri rang. remembering what she said still makes me want to cry.
lorri told me that darren had hit jordyn, at least twice that she knew of.
lorri told me that darren had been abusive/agressive and violent toward her.
i got off the phone, and i was so angry and upset. i rang amanda and told her to tell darren that i never wanted to speak to him again, and that as far as i was concerned, i no longer had a brother, and he didnt exist. i was yelling and crying, and i can honestly say i hated darren right then. and if he'd been standing in front of me, i would have attacked him.
i hated him.
christine and jason got back here to find me crying, and i spent the night saying to christine ... "he's just a kid. jordyn's just a gorgeous kid. and darren fucking hit him. HE'S JUST A KID!"
saturday i'd calmed down a bit. i didnt want to ruin christine and jason's weekend, so i spent the day being a dickhead with chrissie. i got out of the house for a while so they'd have some time alone. saturday night we all watched tennis and a dvd.
sunday morning we all got up about 11 and made pancakes, and somehow christine and i ended up having a food fight ... not a massive one, but about 1 when i was still cleaning jam out of my hair and off my face my mum rang.
mum rang to tell me that on saturday night darren had overdosed and was in hospital.
mum was hysterical, so i spent the first 10 minutes of the phonecall trying to get her to calm down. she said she would be coming to bendigo, then going to melbourne to see him and lorri and jordyn. she asked if i wanted to go with her, and i said no.
i didnt think i could handle it, i was so upset and angry with darren still, and i was just ... confused. i dont know. i got off the phone and chrissie and jason were standing there just looking at me, trying to figure out what was going on. i was shaking and for some reason my voice just didnt want to work. the tears were also starting to fall.
jason left a few minutes later, and chrissie sat with me on the couch as i cried and cried. i didnt even know why i was really crying. i just cried and cried, big huge sobs, that just didnt want to stop. about half an hour later i got myself together, and rang to see if mum had left yet and dad said she had. he also asked me to go to melbourne with mum, so i said i'd think about it.
i ended up throwing some stuff into my backpack and jumping on the train with mum. when we got to melbourne, lorri and jordyn had driven in from phillip island to pick us up. it took about 2 hours to get back out to phillip island, and i spent the whole time entertaining jordyn while mum and lorri talked about everything.
when we finally got to lorri's house, mum and lorri took off for the hospital and i stayed at the house with jordyn. i gave him some tea and then put him to bed. then i spent the next 3 hours just wandering around the house ... cleaning, crying, thinking, trying to watch tennis, answering the phone ... it was all so surreal.
mum and lorri got home from the hospital about midnight. they said that darren was ok, but that they thought he was up to something, because everything mum said he agreed with. mum told darren he was going home to kerang to live with mum and dad again, and that he would be getting a job and going to counselling.
on monday darren was discharged from hospital. because he couldnt go back to house if jordyn was there, lorri drove him and mum to melbourne to stay at amandas. i stayed with jordyn again, we spent the afternoon just hanging out, with me trying to make sense of everything ... i didnt have much luck.
lorri got home late monday night and we decided i'd stay with her and jordyn until thursday. on tuesday mum and darren went home to kerang. it was friggin hot on tuesday, even on the island with the sea breeze. the power went out on tuesday night so we ended up going to the beach for a couple of hours. just getting out of the house, no phones, just jordyn and lorri and i, chilling out, was so awesome. i think it was what we all needed, just a couple of hours so we didnt have to think about any of it, we just focused on making sure jordyn was having fun splashing around in the water. we all had a great time.
we got home tuesday night and darren had rung lorri a few times, and she went onto msn messenger and he was on their hassling her about whether or not she was going to wait for him, whether she'd find someone else while he was away and all that kind of crap.
there was NO MENTION of his son, my gorgeous little nephew JORDYN.
(mum said that on sunday night, darren didnt ask about jordyn either or even mention him)
wednesday lorri and i decided to get out of the house again and we went for a walk down the main street and had a look in a few shops. i spoilt my gorgeous little man, buying him heaps! wednesday night lorri and i had another long talk, where i turned into counsellor rach again (for the 500th time that week!)
thursday morning darren rang while lorri was stll in bed, and turned into a fucking asshole when i told him i wasnt going to wake lorri up just so he could talk to her. he rang again half an hour later and he had another go at me so i ended up saying goodbye and just hanging up. then lorri and i took jordyn into the maternal health nurse, and we left straight for melbourne from there.
ok, i started this entry 50 minutes ago so i might take a break ... think it must be getting near the word limit anyway.
read previous entry first. this is my second entry tonight ... a continuation.
um ... where was i ...
thursday ... got into the station and the next train wasnt for an hour, and as it was still fairly warm i told lorri not to wait around for me to leave. i didnt want jordyn in the heat, and i knew lorri had a long trip home.
i think them leaving made me finally realising how much i'd been avoiding dealing with everything that had happened. because all week, all i was focused on was lorri and jordyn. so i got on the train with nothing to do but think.
and that was when the tears started.
i cried on and off all the way to bendigo (thank god for sunglasses to hide behind). it wasnt lots of crying, just a few tears here and there before i could get myself together again before i'd get upset and have another little cry, then i'd calm down ... needless to say, it was a long trip home. not helped by the fact that a pushy old lady moved my bag and sat right next to me, also taking up half my seat in the process. if there's one thing i really hate, it's sitting next to someone on the train or bus. i cant handle it, i just hate it.
anyway.
when i got home, late thursday arvo, it really hit me. just me here, with nothing to do but think about every single thing that had happened. i had no one to worry about, no gorgeous little man to entertain, no upset sister in law to talk to ... just me. and my thoughts. and my DAMN TEARS. i ended up sitting on my bed, having a total breakdown, crying for 40 minutes, just letting everything out. i know i probably needed it, but it was confusing, because i didnt know why i was crying, who i was crying for, and i didnt understand why i couldnt stop crying.
finally calmed myself down and sat on the couch, just staring out the window for a while. so many thoughts just kept going back and forth ...
what if darren had died?
why did he do that? was he really trying to kill himself or did he just want sympathy?
what the hell had he been doing to jordyn?
why hadnt lorri said something about how darren had treated her?
why hadnt i noticed that something was wrong? why hadnt SOMEONE noticed that something was wrong?
is jordyn going to be ok? is lorri going to be ok?
whats going to happen now, how the hell are we going to deal with this?
what the hell .... ????????
friday afternoon i went back to work ... thought i should speak to lisa about what was going on in case i need to take more time off work ... got about 2 words out (no joke) before the tears started AGAIN. lisa was really good, i told her everything that was going on and she was actually really nice and supportive and said just to tell her if i need time off or anything.
friday night mum rang to say that DHS had gone back to court. the protection order was extended. for 12 MONTHS. which im so happy about. darren doesnt deserve lorri and jordyn, and hopefully 12 months will give him time to grow the fuck up and become a decent partner and father.
anyway, there's more to say, but i worked this morning (yesterday morning now, it's after 12) so i was up at 5 after only 4 hours sleep, so i might have to go crash. im friggin exhausted. tonight i will be sleeping in my own bed for the first time since tuesday 9th. yeah, seriously. when i got home from melb, christine and jason had my room, then i was at lorri's, and since i got home thursday night i've been sleeping in the lounge with the airconditioner coz inside the house has been fairly hot and yuckky, but tonight the house is nice and cool so i can sleep in my BED! woo hoo.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
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