So.

I think I am depressed.

It’s a funk I’ve fallen into, and I can’t get out of it.

I don’t know how to shake it.

I’m tired all the time. I feel down all the time.

I don’t know how to fix this.

Struggling ...

Sometimes its so hard.

It’s so fucking hard to remain positive, to keep going when everything is so fucking discouraging.

It’s so hard to pick yourself up time and time again; knowing that you’re just going to get knocked over again, because that’s the way the world is going for you at the moment.

Financially, the rape has killed me. I have missed, and continue to miss, a lot of work because of what happened. When I had a housemate, I had someone to help share the load. Now that she is gone, and I’m alone, I have no one to help out. I really don’t want to get another housemate in, simply because there are nights where I have nightmares, there are nights when I feel so upset about what happened all I can do is cry. Who wants someone to see them like that? There are days when I get home from work, and I just want to be alone. I can’t handle having anyone near me.

Today, I got notice that my rent is being increased. $20 a fortnight. Doesn’t sound like much until you realise that I just got paid yesterday, and I have $16 left in the bank to last me the fortnight. I don’t know how I’m going to make it work. I either have to stop going to counselling – every week I miss four hours work on a Monday to attend counselling, so I’m missing a full day at work every fortnight, all unpaid – and manage without that release of talking to my counsellor, or I have to figure out some other way to make things work.

I’m so fucking exhausted. I’ve had enough of trying to figure everything out, of having to deal with everything on my own. Of having to find a solution to every single fucking problem that comes at me.

I hate being negative. I’m always an optimist. I’m always a positive person. I roll with the punches. I’ve done it this whole time, and everything that has been thrown at me, I’ve taken it in stride, and just kept moving. But now ... I don’t know how much longer I can do it. I feel like I’m reaching the end of my rope. I can’t handle much more. I need something to hold on to, something positive, something helpful or happy to keep me going.

Because tonight, I’m really struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

So.

A couple of weeks back, I went to a free legal centre to get some advice on reopening my case, and getting the police to review their decision. The lawyer I spoke to was awesome. She was really helpful, and even though I felt a little like she tried to talk me out of asking them to review the case, I think she was just trying to ensure I really understood what I would be in for if we were successful in getting the police to press charges.

Anyway. Since then, it's been a rough couple of weeks. We lost one of our people at work, unexpectedly. She passed away in her sleep, at only 43 years old. She is - was - one of the most beautiful people I know. She was so content with her life, even though it wasn't perfect. She was quiet, but always quick to laugh and have a joke. She had OCD, and led a very regimented life, but she was so happy within herself. She didn't give a damn what anyone thought of her. The same day, one of our guys was taken away in an ambulance with a suspected heart attack. He spent some time in hospital, and although they couldn't figure out what was wrong, he has been released and they're sure it was something other than a heart attack.

In the middle of all that, I missed a call from the lawyer. She was ringing to tell me that she'd spoken to the police, and they strongly advised against reviewing the case because they didn't think there was much point. She didn't give the reasons why - I had to ring to make an appointment for tomorrow (Friday 14th) to find out why.

I always said that I didn't care if the review went nowhere. At least I'd tried, right? No stone unturned. I didn't want to have any regrets. I could deal with the answer either way, and I'd be okay.

But I won't lie ... When I heard the voicemail from the lawyer, saying that there didn't seem to much point in pursuing it, I wanted to cry. The disappointment was crushing. Again. Been there, done that, didn't expect to do it again. Sometimes I hate being an optimist. It friggin stinks.

So I guess I'll head to this appointment tomorrow, and see what the lawyer has to say. I'm sure you'll hear from me again tomorrow night ... One way or the other :)

If you had asked me, even just six weeks ago, if I loved my job, if it made me really happy, I would have said yes.

Of course, I had things I disliked. Sometimes the attitudes of some of the people I work with drive me crazy at times. Of course, I had days where I couldn't wait to leave, or when I didn't even want to go to work.

But most of the time, I felt like the luckiest person in the world. A good job, that was 90% fun.

Now ... Now, I hate it/ HATE it. I feel anxious when I'm going to work. I feel sick with fear while I'm at work.

Will today be the day I lose my job? Will today be the day I do something else that's insignificant and upset the boss?

I hate this. I hate it so very much.