So many times, over the last several months, I’ve wondered, “what if the shoe was on the other foot?” What if the tribunal member had been the victim of a violent crime, and had to experience the VOCAT process like a normal person? Would it force change? Would victims finally get a voice in a timely manner, instead of waiting months and months?

 

For 16, almost 17, months, I have patiently waited. I have done as requested, provided more evidence and paperwork, and attended a directions hearing when told to. I have waited and I have hoped and I have struggled through this time, knowing that it would be a long process, but still … I did not expect to be waiting for a decision, an outcome, over 500 days later. It is now at the point where I do not see an end to this, and although I have always been an optimistic person, I have honestly lost hope, and that is crushing to me.

 

To be a victim of a violent crime throws your world upside down. I could sit all day and list all the ways in which my life has changed since I was raped, and I wouldn’t run out of things to tell you. I do not recognise the person I was before the rape, and I do not ever think that I will be that person again. The changes in my life, in me, have been enormous. This has affected my work, my personal life, my drive, my ambition, my sleeping habits and my entire experience as a person.

I missed (and continue to miss) a lot of work as a victim of crime. I attend counselling at CASA, meaning that once a week, or once a fortnight, I miss a half day of work. After the rape originally, I missed work to attend doctors’ appointments, physiotherapy and I have had a lot of sick days due to stress and illness caused by the rape and the after effects of it.

 

I look at our system, and I think that even though I’m struggling terribly financially, I know I am “lucky”. I would hate to be the victim of a crime who is unable to work, and who has no means of supporting themselves financially. This VOCAT system is broken. Can you imagine having nothing to live on for months and months while VOCAT decide your future? Financially, the rape destroyed me. A lot of the work I missed was unpaid. I went from being someone who always paid bills before they were due, and never missed a loan or insurance payment to someone who constantly struggles. Every bill I have is paid well after its due date. I cannot have emergencies, as I cannot afford them. I know there are millions of Australians out there who have the same experience with money, but to me, this is new and another after effect of the rape. I have lost control in yet another area of my life, and it is devastating.

 

I would love for a VOCAT member to actually put themselves in the shoes of a victim. To realise how overwhelming and upsetting the system is to someone who is already distressed and fragile. I do not know how much longer I can hold on, and to feel so utterly and completely helpless is just awful. The VOCAT system is full of unknowns, with no timeline for resolution and it’s not right to put someone who has already experienced something so traumatic and upsetting through another experience that can also be described using those same words – traumatic and upsetting. VOCAT needs a better process, whether that be setting timelines so victims know what they can reasonably expect, or creating a way for victims to be heard as efficiently as possible

Tonight, I'm so tired.
I can't stop crying, and I think I'm just overwhelmed and exhausted.
There is still no resolution to the Victims of Crime stuff. I am still waiting.
I feel like there's no hope, like there will never be an end to this.
It's no fair. It's not right.
I'm tired of struggling. I'm tired of waiting.
Today I walked to work, and tomorrow I'll walk to work. It will take me an hour and a half, but at least I won't be using my car, and I won't be using any petrol.
I can't go out with friends on Saturday night, because even though it's only to cost $30, I don't even have that.
I can't do this much longer. I feel like I'm just barely hanging on, and I'm going to fall any second.

Sometimes ...

Sometimes I miss the girl I was before the rape.
Sometimes I can hardly remember what that girl was like.
Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be anything close to that girl again.
Sometimes I wonder what the hell I did to deserve this.

Fighting ...

Sometimes, I get tired of fighting.

Sometimes, I just want to sit down and give up, because I feel like I've had my fair share ... and then some.

Sometimes, I wonder how I've made it this far, after everything that's been thrown at me.

Sometimes, I think I'm such a badass motherfucker because I've survived and I've kept going, even after all the damn obstacles that have been thrown in my path.

 

But sometimes, like tonight, it's just all to much. It's overwhelming, and I feel like I have to fight for everything lately. Why do I have to fight so fucking hard?

 

My state has a Victims of Crime Assistance program. You can apply for compensation for lost wages, which occurred as a result of the crime. I have missed a lot of work since the rape. For counselling mainly, with a few doctors appointments as well. All that time was unpaid. The amount of money is substantial - well over $5000. I put my claim in last March. It has been 16 months, and we are still waiting for the claim to be heard. The first lawyer who handled the case caused delay after delay. In March of this year, I changed to another lawyer. The first one either could not or would not provide my file to the new lawyer, further delaying my case. Three and a half weeks ago, I had to go see a psychologist to have a report written stating that I need to attend counselling. The psychologist stated it would take two weeks for the report to be written and submitted to the court. We are still waiting.

 

I don't understand why it's all so fucking hard. It's all so fucking complicated, and I'm so fucking tired of it. I've had enough. I just want it to be done. It has been two years since my rape, and I feel like this whole process is keeping the wound open. I cannot heal because this is so unfinished.

 

I have to constantly remind the lawyer to chase things up. Why do I have to do that? I feel like it's more fighting that I have to do. I'm just so tired of it all.

 

I had to move house 6 weeks ago. After the rent went up at my old place, I couldn't afford to stay any longer. So I packed up my life and moved to a new, cheaper house. It's older, nowhere near as nice as my old place, but that's okay. I loved the fact that it had a garage so I could walk to work (my work is in walking distance, it's ridiculously close) and hide my car in the garage. I HATE that my rapist knows my car. I HATE that he could figure out I'd moved, just by seeing my car at the new place. Unfortunately, what I didn't realise was that the garage is unusable. It's jammed/broken. So now I have no choice but to park my car out on the street. I've taken to parking a few houses away. Even though the chances of my rapist finding me/stalking me again are pretty slim, it's still a big fear that I have, and I feel a tiny bit safer having taken some small precautions.

 

I did of course ring the real estate and ask them to have a look at the garage, and then a week later I called them and asked them to have a look at the lock on my back door which has jammed ... And neither of those things have been done. It's been four weeks since the requests, and nothing ... I don't have any fight left in me to get them to do the maintenance that should be done. I just can't keep fighting, I need to pick my battles.

 

Work has also been one constant battle after another. My company took over another company 18 months ago. Some of those people at the company we took over are STILL fighting change and refusing to do things the way our company wants us to do them. It's resulted in me starting work at 6:30 some mornings, finishing late, and doing other peoples work because they just don't feel like doing it. I'm so tired of it! I'm pissed off. I watch these people who "choose" what they want to do, and just ignore everything else. How is that fair? Sure, leave the shitty jobs for everyone else, why the hell not? Again, I've given up fighting. I have tried and tried. I even went to HR, which is a HUGE step for me, because I hate conflict and upsetting people. Our HR manager tried to sort something out ... But the opposition she faced was obviously too much, so she just gave up. So I'll just go to work, do my shit, and come home. No overtime, no doing work that isn't mine, no going out of my way to help people who don't give a shit about me or won't help me.

Anyway, this is just the cheeriest little update ever, isn't it? I guess it's just loose change, which has been floating around in my head for the last few weeks, and I need to get it out. I'm hoping against hope that the psychologists report will go in this week and the Victims of Crime people can finally decide whether or not I'm entitled to lost wages. I'm hoping that the real estate will actually get back to me and fix my frigging door and garage. I'm hoping that I can stop fighting for every damn thing and just start living and laughing again.

So.

I think I am depressed.

It’s a funk I’ve fallen into, and I can’t get out of it.

I don’t know how to shake it.

I’m tired all the time. I feel down all the time.

I don’t know how to fix this.

Struggling ...

Sometimes its so hard.

It’s so fucking hard to remain positive, to keep going when everything is so fucking discouraging.

It’s so hard to pick yourself up time and time again; knowing that you’re just going to get knocked over again, because that’s the way the world is going for you at the moment.

Financially, the rape has killed me. I have missed, and continue to miss, a lot of work because of what happened. When I had a housemate, I had someone to help share the load. Now that she is gone, and I’m alone, I have no one to help out. I really don’t want to get another housemate in, simply because there are nights where I have nightmares, there are nights when I feel so upset about what happened all I can do is cry. Who wants someone to see them like that? There are days when I get home from work, and I just want to be alone. I can’t handle having anyone near me.

Today, I got notice that my rent is being increased. $20 a fortnight. Doesn’t sound like much until you realise that I just got paid yesterday, and I have $16 left in the bank to last me the fortnight. I don’t know how I’m going to make it work. I either have to stop going to counselling – every week I miss four hours work on a Monday to attend counselling, so I’m missing a full day at work every fortnight, all unpaid – and manage without that release of talking to my counsellor, or I have to figure out some other way to make things work.

I’m so fucking exhausted. I’ve had enough of trying to figure everything out, of having to deal with everything on my own. Of having to find a solution to every single fucking problem that comes at me.

I hate being negative. I’m always an optimist. I’m always a positive person. I roll with the punches. I’ve done it this whole time, and everything that has been thrown at me, I’ve taken it in stride, and just kept moving. But now ... I don’t know how much longer I can do it. I feel like I’m reaching the end of my rope. I can’t handle much more. I need something to hold on to, something positive, something helpful or happy to keep me going.

Because tonight, I’m really struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

So.

A couple of weeks back, I went to a free legal centre to get some advice on reopening my case, and getting the police to review their decision. The lawyer I spoke to was awesome. She was really helpful, and even though I felt a little like she tried to talk me out of asking them to review the case, I think she was just trying to ensure I really understood what I would be in for if we were successful in getting the police to press charges.

Anyway. Since then, it's been a rough couple of weeks. We lost one of our people at work, unexpectedly. She passed away in her sleep, at only 43 years old. She is - was - one of the most beautiful people I know. She was so content with her life, even though it wasn't perfect. She was quiet, but always quick to laugh and have a joke. She had OCD, and led a very regimented life, but she was so happy within herself. She didn't give a damn what anyone thought of her. The same day, one of our guys was taken away in an ambulance with a suspected heart attack. He spent some time in hospital, and although they couldn't figure out what was wrong, he has been released and they're sure it was something other than a heart attack.

In the middle of all that, I missed a call from the lawyer. She was ringing to tell me that she'd spoken to the police, and they strongly advised against reviewing the case because they didn't think there was much point. She didn't give the reasons why - I had to ring to make an appointment for tomorrow (Friday 14th) to find out why.

I always said that I didn't care if the review went nowhere. At least I'd tried, right? No stone unturned. I didn't want to have any regrets. I could deal with the answer either way, and I'd be okay.

But I won't lie ... When I heard the voicemail from the lawyer, saying that there didn't seem to much point in pursuing it, I wanted to cry. The disappointment was crushing. Again. Been there, done that, didn't expect to do it again. Sometimes I hate being an optimist. It friggin stinks.

So I guess I'll head to this appointment tomorrow, and see what the lawyer has to say. I'm sure you'll hear from me again tomorrow night ... One way or the other :)

If you had asked me, even just six weeks ago, if I loved my job, if it made me really happy, I would have said yes.

Of course, I had things I disliked. Sometimes the attitudes of some of the people I work with drive me crazy at times. Of course, I had days where I couldn't wait to leave, or when I didn't even want to go to work.

But most of the time, I felt like the luckiest person in the world. A good job, that was 90% fun.

Now ... Now, I hate it/ HATE it. I feel anxious when I'm going to work. I feel sick with fear while I'm at work.

Will today be the day I lose my job? Will today be the day I do something else that's insignificant and upset the boss?

I hate this. I hate it so very much.

As of tomorrow, I’m looking for a new job.

I’m no longer happy where I am. Two weeks ago, I was given a first and final warning for something that I don’t believe warranted a first AND final warning.

After almost six years, I get one warning?

I feel as if my job is constantly in jeopardy. I did not see the warning coming. I know the big boss has been unhappy with me because I have had a bit of time off recently (all rape-related – court, counselling, etc). I think the fact that I was meant to be leaving this year to go to uni in Shepp has also pissed him off.

I just feel like they no longer want me there – or at least, he doesn’t.

It’s not the fun, great, team-oriented place to work that it used to be. Almost everyone there is stressed, unhappy, and wants to leave.

I can’t wait for them to take my job. It’s not worth the risk to me. So now that final exams are over, I will start looking elsewhere.  

It’s so disappointing. I really thought that I would be with the same company until I got my degree and moved on, happily and with no hard feelings.

Now I want to get out as quickly as possible. To find my happiness again, to feel safe and secure and to ensure that I can keep the house and keep the dogs fed.

I guess we’ll see what happens. In the meantime, I’ll keep my head down and try not to upset anyone or lose my job while I’m looking for something else.

Stupidly optimistic ...

Sometimes I think we get what we deserve.
Not in terms of tragedies or horrible things.
But when we don't stand up for ourselves,
When we let someone walk all over us,
We show them it's okay to do that.
It's okay to treat us like crap, because hell, it's not as if we're going to stand up and say, "Hey, don't do that!"

I've been seeing a new guy.
He is really, really lovely.
Funny, and smart, and he challenges me like crazy.
But twice since Monday, and three times in the last seven days, we've had plans, and he has either cancelled or just hasn't shown up.
Last week, he was coming around after cricket training.
He didn't show.
Tuesday, he was coming around after work.
He didn't show.
Tonight, he was coming around after work.
I sent him a text just before 5 to tell him that I'm home.
Then, and only then, does he decide to tell me he's a few hours away and won't be home until after 9.

I keep wondering, "what have I done??" 
I just want a decent guy. 
One who makes plans, and keeps them. 
One who makes time for me, and understands that I have to make time for him, because I have work and uni. 
I don't want someone who is there all the time. I don't need that. 
I don't need to be attached to someone 24 hours a day. 
I just want someone to hang out with. Have a few laughs, some fun. 

Don't I deserve someone who won't cancel on me at the last minute? 
Someone who won't just disappear, then reappear the next day when it suits him? 

I'm patient. 
Sometimes I'm too patient for my own good. 
I'll give you a second, third and fourth chance. 
Even when it's obvious to everyone else around me that you don't deserve it. 

But tonight, I can't help but wonder ...
Is this when I put my foot down? 
Does he deserve another chance? 
Should I be standing up for myself and saying, 
"Hell no. You don't get to treat me like this. There for whenever you happen to be free." 

Either you make time for me - and you follow through and show up when you're going to - or you lose me. 

  

Sometimes I'm amazed at how far I've come in the last 19 months.
Sometimes I feel like I've been through the worst of it, and I'm coming out the other side.
I made it. I'm a survivor.
And then sometimes, life hands me a reality check, and I realise that I'm nowhere close to coming out the other side. I haven't really dealt with this.
I've still got so far to go.

Sometimes I can't believe the changes in me, when I look at the person I was before the rape, and the person that I am now.
Some of the changes are pretty obvious. I'm less trusting. I'm more fearful. I have nightmares, flashbacks. I suffer from anxiety now, and can't handle huge crowds. Sometimes even small crowds are too much if I'm having a bad day.
Other changes are not so obvious. I'm angrier, inside. I'm more bitter. I'm quicker to judge people. I get annoyed faster. My patience used to be almost endless. Not anymore. I've gained a lot of weight. I eat for ... Comfort? I eat because I don't care enough to take care of myself sometimes.

Late last year, the police told me they didn't have enough to press charges.
That it was my word against his, with not much evidence to back me up.
I knew what the outcome would be when I made my statement to police to start the investigation.
I always knew they'd find it almost impossible to get enough to charge him.
But still, I went ahead.
It was never about getting him charged. It was never about having the case go before a jury.
It was about standing up and saying, "What you did was wrong. I should not have let you get away with it. I'm telling someone, and I'm making my voice heard, and maybe, just maybe that will be enough to stop you ever doing it again."

There was a part of me that wanted to cause him hell.
That wanted vengeance.
That wanted to put him through something, anything.
It was nothing compared to the nightmare I went through, but I knew they wouldn't charge him, so it was all I'd get.

And then they called me, and they said, "Sorry. We can't charge him."
And I went to pieces.
I fell apart.
I knew it was coming, I knew they'd find it incredibly difficult to get enough, but there was the tiniest part of me that kept thinking, "He did something really fucking awful. He did something so horrible, so traumatic to me that they HAVE to find a way to make him pay. They'll find something, and they'll be able to charge him. He will pay. He will pay for raping me, for making me think he was going to kill me. He will pay for turning my whole life upside down, and inside out."

But they couldn't do it. There wasn't a piece of evidence that made them go, "Aha! We can charge the prick!"
So once again, I picked myself up, and put myself back together.
I gathered my courage, and tried to move on.
I took comfort from the fact that they told me that he was ringing the police station constantly.
Trying to find out what was happening with the investigation.
Whether he would be charged.
Ringing the station, all the time.
"What's happening? Are you going to press charges?"
(Guilty conscience, anyone?)
That was my comfort. That was all I was going to get.
So I grabbed it with both hands, knowing the truth about it.
Knowing that every dog has it's day. He'll get his.
One day, he'll pay.

And I thought, that that was it.
That I had my closure, and I could move on.
I knew the outcome.
I had tried to fight, but it wasn't enough.
The regrets haunted me.
Why didn't I go forward sooner?
Why didn't I keep the evidence of the stalking, the terror that he'd put me through?
How many times could I second-guess myself?
How many times could I think the same thoughts, over and over?
How many times could I think about the same regrets, over and over?
It was done. Finished.
He was going to get away with it.
That was on me. That was my fault.

And then, last week, I had to go to court.
For something that's sort of related.
And the Magistrate.
The lovely Magistrate.
Looked me right in the eye, and asked me to stand.
So he could speak directly to me.
Because he had something important to say, you see.
He told me that he had read the entire police brief.
He read my statement.
What happened to me.
He read the interview they did with the rapist.
He read through all the statements they took to support my story.
All the investigation the police did.
The medical records.
The reports.
And he had the most curious look on his face, as he told me,
"They made a mistake. I do not understand why they didn't charge him. In my view, they had enough."
He made sure he still had my full attention, and he continued,
"They had more that enough, to charge him. To take it before a court"

I wanted to ask him what he saw.
What was in that file?
What did you see, Sir? What did you see that made you feel that way?

He suggested to me that I ask my lawyer to contact the Office of Public prosecutions, and ask them to review the case.
That they can override the police decision, if they agree with him.
They can have charges laid.

So now I have to wonder ...
Is it worth reopening the wound?
Is there any point to taking a chance?
Risking the disappointment when they tell me they still don't have enough to charge him?
I had made my peace. I took their decision not to press charges, and I made my peace with it.
it was difficult.
It broke my heart, and crushed my spirit.
But then, I got up again, and kept moving.
Can I do that again?

Or, what if they agree?
What if they say, "yes, we can charge him."
"The police made an error."
Can I face a trial?
Do I have the strength?
Can I tell the world what he did to me?
Can I take the humiliation, the hurt that I know a trial will bring?
Am I strong enough?

I've already picked up the pieces so many times.
One day, I'm going to break.
And I won't be able to put myself back together.