So, today isn't the best day. Don't know what's wrong ... Just down.
It's cold here today. We've gone from 35 last week, and having the air conditioner on all day, to about 15 today. I've actually got the heater on today, coz the house is frickin freezing, and also coz I washed a heap of clothes last night and now I have no way to dry them (it's raining!).
I have done much today ... Moved the big desk into my room, then cleaned the lounge ... Now I'm just sitting here not doing much at all.
Matty's mum, Sandra, posted before about Matty's wake and funeral. It's beautiful and heartfelt, but I feel for them as they try now to adjust to their "new normal". They've been kept occupied, arranging the last few days, and have been surrounded by people, being kept busy, but now they have to find their feet again without their gorgeous boy with them. If you'd like to leave a message of support for Johnny, Sandra, Zach and Chris, the website is www.caringbridge.org/visit/matty
Don't know what I'm going to do this afternoon. I'm getting so bored and frustrated, and I need a job, something to do, whatever, something ...
Wow, I can actually see the sun coming out a tiny little bit!
I don't know what's wrong with me. Thinking about going off Zoloft, I don't know that it's doing anything to help me, and I'm just ready to give up.
Blah. I'm guessing you didn't come here to listen to me bitch and moan, so I might just take off :o) Have a great day.
Friday, March 30, 2007
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Oh well.
I have the biggest. Headache. Ever. I'm not sure why. All I know is that it feels like my head is really going to explode. I'm going to do this update, then I'm having a bath, then it's **B.E.D**
I went to the doctor's today, to get a refferal for counselling, only to be told that I had to have a *special*, extended consultation with the doctor, that couldn't be done today, so I would have to go back and pay $160 for said consultation.
Riiiiight.
The man knows that I am unemployed. Where the hell am I meant to pull $160 from?? So tomorrow I will ring the Community Centre and sign up for the free counselling sessions they have. Because they're free, there is usually a 6 - 8 week wait though.
At least I won't have to pay $160.
Other than that, there wasn't much to my day. Had lunch with Di, and Maureen, which was nice. Maureen told me everyone at Safeway knows what happened ... Thanks for nothing, Safeway. So much for a bit of confidentiality, or even just a tiny bit of general courtesy. After everything that I put into my work, all the over time, and extra shifts, and this is what they do?
Yeah, I do have a tiny bit of a chip on my shoulder about it.
Oh well.
I went to the doctor's today, to get a refferal for counselling, only to be told that I had to have a *special*, extended consultation with the doctor, that couldn't be done today, so I would have to go back and pay $160 for said consultation.
Riiiiight.
The man knows that I am unemployed. Where the hell am I meant to pull $160 from?? So tomorrow I will ring the Community Centre and sign up for the free counselling sessions they have. Because they're free, there is usually a 6 - 8 week wait though.
At least I won't have to pay $160.
Other than that, there wasn't much to my day. Had lunch with Di, and Maureen, which was nice. Maureen told me everyone at Safeway knows what happened ... Thanks for nothing, Safeway. So much for a bit of confidentiality, or even just a tiny bit of general courtesy. After everything that I put into my work, all the over time, and extra shifts, and this is what they do?
Yeah, I do have a tiny bit of a chip on my shoulder about it.
Oh well.
Damn Telstra *Fu**ers*!
The electrictian is here at the moment, fixing my stove and my spare room light ... Finally! I put the request in to the real estate agency in January! Quick service, I tell you!
Other than that, not much happening here. Mum went home yesterday afternoon. I spent the arvo hanging with Christine, trying to find out if she could get broadband on her new laptop (jury is still out, i refuse to believe what Telstra is saying - that she can *only* get wireless internet - which is $299 to install, then at least $40 a month). Then we came back here and ate apple pie for dinner. Oh yeah, I'm such a healthy human. I wonder why my jeans don't fit anymore ... ?
Ahh well. Today I think I'm going out for lunch with Di, and possibly Maureen and Tiff. I'll have to wait until I hear from Di. I'm hoping it's just Di, although it would be nice to see Maureen and Tiff.
This afternoon I have a doctors appointment, but it's not until 5:45. I'm hoping that I get in on time, so I can catch the last bus home instead of having to walk (the doctor is about a 45 minute walk from here). Daylight savings has ended, so it now gets dark at 6:30 or so.
Got a phone bill yesterday, and an electricity bill ... Don't know how I'm meant to pay them. Guess I'll just have to hope that the *money fairy* visits me ...
Anyway. That's about it from here. Might update tonight after I've been to the doctor.
Other than that, not much happening here. Mum went home yesterday afternoon. I spent the arvo hanging with Christine, trying to find out if she could get broadband on her new laptop (jury is still out, i refuse to believe what Telstra is saying - that she can *only* get wireless internet - which is $299 to install, then at least $40 a month). Then we came back here and ate apple pie for dinner. Oh yeah, I'm such a healthy human. I wonder why my jeans don't fit anymore ... ?
Ahh well. Today I think I'm going out for lunch with Di, and possibly Maureen and Tiff. I'll have to wait until I hear from Di. I'm hoping it's just Di, although it would be nice to see Maureen and Tiff.
This afternoon I have a doctors appointment, but it's not until 5:45. I'm hoping that I get in on time, so I can catch the last bus home instead of having to walk (the doctor is about a 45 minute walk from here). Daylight savings has ended, so it now gets dark at 6:30 or so.
Got a phone bill yesterday, and an electricity bill ... Don't know how I'm meant to pay them. Guess I'll just have to hope that the *money fairy* visits me ...
Anyway. That's about it from here. Might update tonight after I've been to the doctor.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Half rant / Half normal entry.
Just in case you missed my earlier update ... Heaven has two beautiful new angels tonight. Both Matty (www.caringbridge.org/visit/matty) and Blair (www.caringbridge.org/visit/blair) are now flying free, without pain and worry. They fought for a long time, and have truly earned a rest. R.I.P. Matty and Blair.
Not much other news from here. Mum's still here (came down on Sunday morning) and I think she's going home tomorrow. Darren's being a proper asshole, and I swear to god the next time I talk to him I will lose it. I've had enough of him being a prick, worrying the hell out of mum. Mum is doing every god-damn thing she can for him and he's so fucking selfish he does not care, and acts like it's everyone elses fault if things go wrong. Eg: he is not meant to be near Jordyn, and he is staying, at Lorri's house, with Lorri and Jordyn. And today he rang mum saying he thinks that someone knows he's there. Mum tried and tried and tried to warn him that he would get caught. Then she tried to help him today, telling him to go to Amanda's and get out of the house ... So what does he do? He goes and gets fucking drunk. Oh yeah, that'll help things. Mum was nearly in tears when she rang him to see what was going on. And he spoke to her as if it's all her fault, and I hate him so much for it. I feel like screaming at him, telling him he's fucking pathetic, telling him to grow the fuck up, because I hate what he's doing to mum and dad, and I hate what he's doing to my nephew, I hate him for being such a loser that he doesn't get a job, I hate him for manipulating everyone, I hate him because of everything he does, all the trouble he's caused.
God. What a rant that turned into. I think maybe I do need to go to counselling.
Anyway. Mum and I did some shopping today, and that was about it. We had roast chicken and scalloped potatoes for dinner tonight (mmm, yummy) and then mum made home-made apple pie ... **Yummy**
Not sure what I'm doing tomorrow. Probably not much. Think mum is going home about lunch time, then I'll probably go chill with Chrissie in the afternoon.
Anyway, it's getting a little late, so I think I might head to bed. Once again, please, please, if you have 5 minutes, drop by Matty's and Blair's caringbridge sites, and leave their families a message at this terrible time. I'd imagine it really would feel like hell on earth for them at the moment, and all the support they can get will probably be gratefully received. Matty's guestbook has been signed 250 times today, and I think it's only about 9:30 am over in the States. Please head on over and give them your support if you're able to. Thanks!
Not much other news from here. Mum's still here (came down on Sunday morning) and I think she's going home tomorrow. Darren's being a proper asshole, and I swear to god the next time I talk to him I will lose it. I've had enough of him being a prick, worrying the hell out of mum. Mum is doing every god-damn thing she can for him and he's so fucking selfish he does not care, and acts like it's everyone elses fault if things go wrong. Eg: he is not meant to be near Jordyn, and he is staying, at Lorri's house, with Lorri and Jordyn. And today he rang mum saying he thinks that someone knows he's there. Mum tried and tried and tried to warn him that he would get caught. Then she tried to help him today, telling him to go to Amanda's and get out of the house ... So what does he do? He goes and gets fucking drunk. Oh yeah, that'll help things. Mum was nearly in tears when she rang him to see what was going on. And he spoke to her as if it's all her fault, and I hate him so much for it. I feel like screaming at him, telling him he's fucking pathetic, telling him to grow the fuck up, because I hate what he's doing to mum and dad, and I hate what he's doing to my nephew, I hate him for being such a loser that he doesn't get a job, I hate him for manipulating everyone, I hate him because of everything he does, all the trouble he's caused.
God. What a rant that turned into. I think maybe I do need to go to counselling.
Anyway. Mum and I did some shopping today, and that was about it. We had roast chicken and scalloped potatoes for dinner tonight (mmm, yummy) and then mum made home-made apple pie ... **Yummy**
Not sure what I'm doing tomorrow. Probably not much. Think mum is going home about lunch time, then I'll probably go chill with Chrissie in the afternoon.
Anyway, it's getting a little late, so I think I might head to bed. Once again, please, please, if you have 5 minutes, drop by Matty's and Blair's caringbridge sites, and leave their families a message at this terrible time. I'd imagine it really would feel like hell on earth for them at the moment, and all the support they can get will probably be gratefully received. Matty's guestbook has been signed 250 times today, and I think it's only about 9:30 am over in the States. Please head on over and give them your support if you're able to. Thanks!
Monday, March 26, 2007
R.I.P. Matty
Sweet little Matty lost his battle earlier today. He fought so long, and for so hard, he has now earnt his rest in Heaven. His parents, Johnny and Sandy, and his brothers, Chris and Zach, are now adjusting to a new normal - life without their gorgeous little Matty. If you get a chance, please drop by their site and leave them a note - I'm sure they'd appreciate it. His website is www.caringbridge.org/visit/matty.
***
To Matty's family ... Though many of us never had the fortune to meet Matty, or any of the Dubuc family, we grieve the loss of a very special, very beautiful child. We cry, because we love him for what he showed us - he showed us hope, courage, dignity, grace, strength, and how to believe. We cry, because we loved him after he won our hearts, and because Matty was an amazing child. We cry, because we know that Earth is a lesser place for having lost such a wonderful spirit. We cry, because we love all of you and we know the pain that you are in at the moment is unfair, and unfixable. We cry because you cry. We cry because we want Matty back. We cry because we miss him.
To Sandy and Johnny, Chris and Zach ... Although many of us are simply internet friends, we love you. We love Matty. Our thoughts are with you, and your extended family at this time. It must feel like hell on earth to know that your gorgeous little man is no longer here.
Matty, keep an eye on your family, huh? They're missing you so bad. Let them know you're never far away.
***
R.I.P. Matthew Dubuc.
** Added @ 9:35 pm - I have just learned that Blair, another gorgeous CaringBridge angel, has also gone to heaven. Blair had leukemia, but has also been battling with RSV and lungs that tried and tried to heal, but just couldn't. Fly free Blair, you no longer have pain, or sadness or sickness in you life. If you'd like to leave a message of support for Blair's family, her website is www.caringbridge.org/visit/blair
***
To Matty's family ... Though many of us never had the fortune to meet Matty, or any of the Dubuc family, we grieve the loss of a very special, very beautiful child. We cry, because we love him for what he showed us - he showed us hope, courage, dignity, grace, strength, and how to believe. We cry, because we loved him after he won our hearts, and because Matty was an amazing child. We cry, because we know that Earth is a lesser place for having lost such a wonderful spirit. We cry, because we love all of you and we know the pain that you are in at the moment is unfair, and unfixable. We cry because you cry. We cry because we want Matty back. We cry because we miss him.
To Sandy and Johnny, Chris and Zach ... Although many of us are simply internet friends, we love you. We love Matty. Our thoughts are with you, and your extended family at this time. It must feel like hell on earth to know that your gorgeous little man is no longer here.
Matty, keep an eye on your family, huh? They're missing you so bad. Let them know you're never far away.
***
R.I.P. Matthew Dubuc.
** Added @ 9:35 pm - I have just learned that Blair, another gorgeous CaringBridge angel, has also gone to heaven. Blair had leukemia, but has also been battling with RSV and lungs that tried and tried to heal, but just couldn't. Fly free Blair, you no longer have pain, or sadness or sickness in you life. If you'd like to leave a message of support for Blair's family, her website is www.caringbridge.org/visit/blair
Friday, March 23, 2007
The one where I mumble under my breath *A LOT*
No nap today. Which is actually kinda suprising, since I got about 3 hours sleep last night. Actually, I don't think it was even that much.
And now I'm in a shitty mood (not depressed/sad/down ... shitty. Pissed off.) and I don't know why. It might have something to do with my mum, and the grilling I got before. God. She's had no idea what's been going on in my life up until this point, and *now* she wants to know everything? *Now*, when I need a bit of space to get my head together, she wants to question everything and check my every move? *Now*? What's with that?
My new MP3 player arrived today, and I've spent (no joke) almost 7 hours trying to get songs onto it. 6 hours and 45 minutes of that I've been swearing under my breath at the *stupid-utter-crappy-piece-of-garbage-oh-my-god-ipods-really-are-the-best-what-was-i-thinking-this-is-shitty-and-a-total-rip-off*. I don't really care if that sentence doesn't make sense, by the way (and no, I wasn't kidding when I said I was in a shitty mood, can you tell? :o)) Finally, finally, after hours surfing the net and downloading conversion programs, I figured out how to do it at 5:30 this afternoon (my MP3 player arrived at 9 am ... I've been trying since about 9:15) but it's a slow process, and I've been going for almost 2 hours and I think I've converted and successfully onto the MP3 player about ... 40 songs. Yeah. Only another 200 to go!
Not much other news from here. Got a bit more ebay money in today. Some of it went into my pay-pal account, so now I have to wait until it goes into my bank account and clears, which will be the middle of next week, but ahh well. What can you do?
Anyway. Tonight, while my songs convert and toddle themselves over onto the MP3 player, I'm on a mission to clean my entire house. It's fairly neat, but there are some messes that could do with a little organising. My bed hasn't been made all week. I've got a few dishes to wash, and I want to mop the kitchen floor. I want to move the printer from the middle of the spare-room floor where it's currently sitting (yeah ... sad, but true) and into my room so I don't have to go get it every time I need to print something. And I want to clean off my kitchen table, since a whole lotta crap seems to have gathered there :o) And it's Friday night soooo ... *NRL night!* :o) Anyway, I'm out. Have a great night.
And now I'm in a shitty mood (not depressed/sad/down ... shitty. Pissed off.) and I don't know why. It might have something to do with my mum, and the grilling I got before. God. She's had no idea what's been going on in my life up until this point, and *now* she wants to know everything? *Now*, when I need a bit of space to get my head together, she wants to question everything and check my every move? *Now*? What's with that?
My new MP3 player arrived today, and I've spent (no joke) almost 7 hours trying to get songs onto it. 6 hours and 45 minutes of that I've been swearing under my breath at the *stupid-utter-crappy-piece-of-garbage-oh-my-god-ipods-really-are-the-best-what-was-i-thinking-this-is-shitty-and-a-total-rip-off*. I don't really care if that sentence doesn't make sense, by the way (and no, I wasn't kidding when I said I was in a shitty mood, can you tell? :o)) Finally, finally, after hours surfing the net and downloading conversion programs, I figured out how to do it at 5:30 this afternoon (my MP3 player arrived at 9 am ... I've been trying since about 9:15) but it's a slow process, and I've been going for almost 2 hours and I think I've converted and successfully onto the MP3 player about ... 40 songs. Yeah. Only another 200 to go!
Not much other news from here. Got a bit more ebay money in today. Some of it went into my pay-pal account, so now I have to wait until it goes into my bank account and clears, which will be the middle of next week, but ahh well. What can you do?
Anyway. Tonight, while my songs convert and toddle themselves over onto the MP3 player, I'm on a mission to clean my entire house. It's fairly neat, but there are some messes that could do with a little organising. My bed hasn't been made all week. I've got a few dishes to wash, and I want to mop the kitchen floor. I want to move the printer from the middle of the spare-room floor where it's currently sitting (yeah ... sad, but true) and into my room so I don't have to go get it every time I need to print something. And I want to clean off my kitchen table, since a whole lotta crap seems to have gathered there :o) And it's Friday night soooo ... *NRL night!* :o) Anyway, I'm out. Have a great night.
Why oh why ...
Why oh why do I keep having one-hour naps in the afternoon when I know it's just going to mean that I won't sleep that night??! Why oh why am I even having a nap at 23 years old?!
Seriously. Another sleepless night looms. I don't know whether it's because I'm all over the place with my zoloft, or because I'm just all over the place emotionally and as a result am unable to sleep ... But a couple of hours at night and one hour during the day is just wrecking me. I can't keep going like this!
I'm still making my way through Kendrie's CB site (www.caringbridge.org/ga/kendrie). It's a lottt of reading! And as Kristie hasn't updated www.notquitewhatihadplanned.blogspot.com today, I have to get my fix somehow!
Just quickly, in other CB news, Hunter (www.caringbridge.org/ma/hunter) spent today in the ICU and I'm sure her mum Katie could use some support. Stop by and sign their guestbook if you have a chance! Matty (www.caringbridge.org/visit/matty) is marching on, with his army of *BELIEVERS* behind him, and had another ok day yesterday! Lillie (www.caringbridge.org/visit/lillieboyte) is having a bit of a rough day and not feeling the best, thanks to that nasty chemo stuff. Anna-Jane (www.caringbridge.org/ok/annajane) is also having a rough time with a new type of chemo they're trying to beat that hepatoblastoma once and for all. As usual, these are just a FEW of the kids who are having a crappy time at the moment. I'm sure their families would love it if you could stop by and say Hi!
Not much other news from here. Only left the house once today, for 15 minutes to go to Coles, and that was at night (just a couple of hours ago) so I didn't have to deal with too many people. Man, I'm turning into some kinda anti-social cow!
Anyway. That's about it. No more grumbles from me tonight :o) Peace out.
Seriously. Another sleepless night looms. I don't know whether it's because I'm all over the place with my zoloft, or because I'm just all over the place emotionally and as a result am unable to sleep ... But a couple of hours at night and one hour during the day is just wrecking me. I can't keep going like this!
I'm still making my way through Kendrie's CB site (www.caringbridge.org/ga/kendrie). It's a lottt of reading! And as Kristie hasn't updated www.notquitewhatihadplanned.blogspot.com today, I have to get my fix somehow!
Just quickly, in other CB news, Hunter (www.caringbridge.org/ma/hunter) spent today in the ICU and I'm sure her mum Katie could use some support. Stop by and sign their guestbook if you have a chance! Matty (www.caringbridge.org/visit/matty) is marching on, with his army of *BELIEVERS* behind him, and had another ok day yesterday! Lillie (www.caringbridge.org/visit/lillieboyte) is having a bit of a rough day and not feeling the best, thanks to that nasty chemo stuff. Anna-Jane (www.caringbridge.org/ok/annajane) is also having a rough time with a new type of chemo they're trying to beat that hepatoblastoma once and for all. As usual, these are just a FEW of the kids who are having a crappy time at the moment. I'm sure their families would love it if you could stop by and say Hi!
Not much other news from here. Only left the house once today, for 15 minutes to go to Coles, and that was at night (just a couple of hours ago) so I didn't have to deal with too many people. Man, I'm turning into some kinda anti-social cow!
Anyway. That's about it. No more grumbles from me tonight :o) Peace out.
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Damn money.
So, a kind-of productive morning ... Washing. Dishes. Tidied lounge. Cleaned bathroom and put some Drano down the drain. Cleaned out bathroom cabinet.
Still to do ... Tidy spare room. Spend the rest of the afternoon going all-out on the job search. Got a gas bill this morning in the mail- $45. Not a lot, pretty good actually, but the reality is that it's $45 more than I have right now.
Anyway. Still having trouble with the iPod sale. Am seriously thinking of just re-listing it. I just don't think that I'd get as much for it as this guy is willing to pay. MP3 players are soooo cheap on e-bay, and most of them are brand new. I refuse to sell it for less than $170 though, which is $130 less than I paid for it and it's only 5 months old! I don't know. I guess I'll just have to see how things go.
I have a few hundred dollars put away, which I've hesitated to use, because who knows how long it'll be before I get a job (or Newstart from Centrelink)? If I use that now, what am I meant to do in a few weeks? My rent isn't cheap, and it'd only cover a couple of weeks rent anyway. I swear to god, as soon as I get a new job, I am saving every cent that doesn't get spent on rent and bills, **just in case**. Because, **just in case** can easily happen and I'd rather not find myself in this situation ever again :o)
I need to get my Zoloft prescription filled again because I have one tiny little tablet left, and I've been trying to stretch them out (only taking a tablet every second or third day) which, as it turns out, isn't a great idea, it makes you reallly dizzy and nauseous. And of course, I don't have the money for it, so I don't know what I'm meant to do tomorrow when the zoloft runs out.
God, I've never worried about money before. I always worked, got what I wanted. It may have taken a while, but I kept working for what I needed/wanted. And now, it feels like I'm constantly worrying about money - how am i going to pay rent, bills, all the little unexpected little things that pop up? My food is running out ... How am I meant to go shopping for more without any of that damn money stuff??
Whatever. I'm sick of thinking about this. I think I'll go pretend I'm *fine* for a while.
Still to do ... Tidy spare room. Spend the rest of the afternoon going all-out on the job search. Got a gas bill this morning in the mail- $45. Not a lot, pretty good actually, but the reality is that it's $45 more than I have right now.
Anyway. Still having trouble with the iPod sale. Am seriously thinking of just re-listing it. I just don't think that I'd get as much for it as this guy is willing to pay. MP3 players are soooo cheap on e-bay, and most of them are brand new. I refuse to sell it for less than $170 though, which is $130 less than I paid for it and it's only 5 months old! I don't know. I guess I'll just have to see how things go.
I have a few hundred dollars put away, which I've hesitated to use, because who knows how long it'll be before I get a job (or Newstart from Centrelink)? If I use that now, what am I meant to do in a few weeks? My rent isn't cheap, and it'd only cover a couple of weeks rent anyway. I swear to god, as soon as I get a new job, I am saving every cent that doesn't get spent on rent and bills, **just in case**. Because, **just in case** can easily happen and I'd rather not find myself in this situation ever again :o)
I need to get my Zoloft prescription filled again because I have one tiny little tablet left, and I've been trying to stretch them out (only taking a tablet every second or third day) which, as it turns out, isn't a great idea, it makes you reallly dizzy and nauseous. And of course, I don't have the money for it, so I don't know what I'm meant to do tomorrow when the zoloft runs out.
God, I've never worried about money before. I always worked, got what I wanted. It may have taken a while, but I kept working for what I needed/wanted. And now, it feels like I'm constantly worrying about money - how am i going to pay rent, bills, all the little unexpected little things that pop up? My food is running out ... How am I meant to go shopping for more without any of that damn money stuff??
Whatever. I'm sick of thinking about this. I think I'll go pretend I'm *fine* for a while.
no sleep ...
I'm currently re-reading Kendrie's caringbridge journal, right from the very beginning ... I've already read it all, but it still makes me giggle ... and cry. Check it out if you want to know Kendrie's story - www.caringbridge.org/ga/kendrie Kendrie's mum, (Kristie) who wrote all the entries in the CB journal during Kendrie's battle with lukemia, has another journal, equally as funny/touching - www.notquitewhatihadplanned.blogspot.com Check it out if you want to see what they're up to these days!
I'm utterly exhausted, but as I slept for one measly hour this afternoon, I'm now awake for the entire night, I fear. I am tired, and I have tried to sleep, but it just aint happenin for me tonight ...
Had a few problems with the sale of Toonz, the buyer isn't paying me directly, it's going through some banking place, who want a "tracking number" before they'll send the money ... What the?? I'm guessing the tracking number is the number on the registered post envelope that I'll buy to send it ... How is giving them that number now, before I've sent the iPod going to change anything?? I really don't understand this at all! There is *NO WAY* I'm sending Toonz before the money clears, what am I, a total moron?! I guess I'll have to buy the envelope tomorrow, then hope like hell they just want the number, and not proof that I've sent it, before they transfer the money, otherwise I'll be re-listing it on e-bay. It's going to Nigeria, and the buyer emailed me today, *TELLING* me, yes, not asking, but *TELLING* me to "package it nice, wrap it and make it pretty". Uh-huh ... A please might be nice. A "please" in there and I would do it in a second. But ... I'm tempted to just put it in the little box it came in, and send it off. Seriously, now I have to buy wrapping paper and wrap it before sending it?! And he didn't ask nicely!
Applied for (another) job earlier. It's only one day a week, so I don't know what I'm meant to do if I get it, I can't imagine one day's wages will be enough to pay rent and bills every week, but it would be a start. Chances are, I'll miss out on it ... Gee, my self-esteem/self-confidence are just sky high right now ... Can you tell?!
Matty, the gorgeous little fighter is still *fighting* with everything he has, and had a pretty good day yesterday. Go Matty! Please check on him and leave a message for his family if you have a spare minute - www.caringbridge.org/visit/matty
My mum's coming to visit on Sunday for the night. I kind of want to see her, but I also kind of don't ... I just don't feel like talking to *anyone* at the moment, which explains why I haven't answered my phone in 3 days (yeah, seriously ... It's sad, I know). And I know she's going to ask questions that I don't have answers to ... I'm not looking foward to that. I don't know what I want to do. I don't know why the hell I had a breakdown. I haven't yet been back to counselling, and I don't know why I'm hesitating. I don't know when I want to go back to uni. I don't know how I'm going to support myself when the e-bay money runs out ... Err ... Maybe it's time I started seriously thinking about this stuff. It's not fun, but I can't keep living like this - avoiding people, keeping to myself, sleeping most of the day, eating when I occasionally remember, barely leaving the house ... Yeah, it's probably a good idea if I start to figure all this stuff out tomorrow.
Anyway. I might go try the sleep thing. By the way, I know I've mentioned Matty a fair bit recently, but don't forget that there are *TOO MANY** kids who are fighting to be normal kids, free of chemo, hospital visits, and needles - Hunter, Anna Jane, Alexis, Blair, Rachel, Lillie, Lily, Kayla, Brady, Aubrielle, Hannah, Davis, Jake, Catie, Haley ... I could go on for ages. There are links to their sites on the right hand side of this page -> so go say hi if you have a spare minute!
I'm utterly exhausted, but as I slept for one measly hour this afternoon, I'm now awake for the entire night, I fear. I am tired, and I have tried to sleep, but it just aint happenin for me tonight ...
Had a few problems with the sale of Toonz, the buyer isn't paying me directly, it's going through some banking place, who want a "tracking number" before they'll send the money ... What the?? I'm guessing the tracking number is the number on the registered post envelope that I'll buy to send it ... How is giving them that number now, before I've sent the iPod going to change anything?? I really don't understand this at all! There is *NO WAY* I'm sending Toonz before the money clears, what am I, a total moron?! I guess I'll have to buy the envelope tomorrow, then hope like hell they just want the number, and not proof that I've sent it, before they transfer the money, otherwise I'll be re-listing it on e-bay. It's going to Nigeria, and the buyer emailed me today, *TELLING* me, yes, not asking, but *TELLING* me to "package it nice, wrap it and make it pretty". Uh-huh ... A please might be nice. A "please" in there and I would do it in a second. But ... I'm tempted to just put it in the little box it came in, and send it off. Seriously, now I have to buy wrapping paper and wrap it before sending it?! And he didn't ask nicely!
Applied for (another) job earlier. It's only one day a week, so I don't know what I'm meant to do if I get it, I can't imagine one day's wages will be enough to pay rent and bills every week, but it would be a start. Chances are, I'll miss out on it ... Gee, my self-esteem/self-confidence are just sky high right now ... Can you tell?!
Matty, the gorgeous little fighter is still *fighting* with everything he has, and had a pretty good day yesterday. Go Matty! Please check on him and leave a message for his family if you have a spare minute - www.caringbridge.org/visit/matty
My mum's coming to visit on Sunday for the night. I kind of want to see her, but I also kind of don't ... I just don't feel like talking to *anyone* at the moment, which explains why I haven't answered my phone in 3 days (yeah, seriously ... It's sad, I know). And I know she's going to ask questions that I don't have answers to ... I'm not looking foward to that. I don't know what I want to do. I don't know why the hell I had a breakdown. I haven't yet been back to counselling, and I don't know why I'm hesitating. I don't know when I want to go back to uni. I don't know how I'm going to support myself when the e-bay money runs out ... Err ... Maybe it's time I started seriously thinking about this stuff. It's not fun, but I can't keep living like this - avoiding people, keeping to myself, sleeping most of the day, eating when I occasionally remember, barely leaving the house ... Yeah, it's probably a good idea if I start to figure all this stuff out tomorrow.
Anyway. I might go try the sleep thing. By the way, I know I've mentioned Matty a fair bit recently, but don't forget that there are *TOO MANY** kids who are fighting to be normal kids, free of chemo, hospital visits, and needles - Hunter, Anna Jane, Alexis, Blair, Rachel, Lillie, Lily, Kayla, Brady, Aubrielle, Hannah, Davis, Jake, Catie, Haley ... I could go on for ages. There are links to their sites on the right hand side of this page -> so go say hi if you have a spare minute!
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Visit Matty if you can, please! Please!
To start with, a reminder to please, please, please, if you have 5 minutes, check on Matty and his awesome family! www.caringbridge.org/visit/matty This kid is just ... amazing. There are dozens of ways to say it - inspirational, courageous, graceful, angelic, full of fight - and "amazing" seems simple, but I think it's just the simple honest truth. Matty and his family are simply amazing.
Not much going on here. Monday (? I think ...!) Christine and I went looking for a fish tank for her, and I ended up coming home with a new budgie, named Micka. Micka is the chemical element for black or something (?? I don't know ... this is what Chrissie told me) or means black in science terms, and since Micka is all white (not a speck of colour anywhere on his body but white!) Christine (who brought him for me) thought that would be a good name. So now I have Henry, Georgie, Milly, and Micka. He seems to be settling in well, a little quiet, but no feathers have flown yet so it's all good.
I seem to go between total depression and bits of "ok-ness" - I don't know how else to describe it. Most of the time I'm really, really down, and I just don't care about anything, but occasionally I will laugh or smile at something. The weight of the world really does seem to be on my shoulders.
iPod has been sold ... I'll be saying good-bye to Toonz as soon as the money comes in ... god, that just sucks! He keeps me company at 3 a.m. when I can't sleep, or at 1 p.m. when I just start crying for no reason ... I worked my arse off to save up the money to buy him ... and now I gotta say goodbye. At least I got back most of the money I paid for him ($200 - i paid $299) and that will be a massive help with rent. I brought a new one on e-bay - a cheaper, smaller, less memory, one. Better than nothing, I guess.
Have to go put a cheque in the bank this afternoon - got $30 from www.emailcash.com.au, which arrived this morning, so that will also help. Then I'll come home and do the job search thing again.
Anyway, that's about it from here. "Later, dudes!"
Not much going on here. Monday (? I think ...!) Christine and I went looking for a fish tank for her, and I ended up coming home with a new budgie, named Micka. Micka is the chemical element for black or something (?? I don't know ... this is what Chrissie told me) or means black in science terms, and since Micka is all white (not a speck of colour anywhere on his body but white!) Christine (who brought him for me) thought that would be a good name. So now I have Henry, Georgie, Milly, and Micka. He seems to be settling in well, a little quiet, but no feathers have flown yet so it's all good.
I seem to go between total depression and bits of "ok-ness" - I don't know how else to describe it. Most of the time I'm really, really down, and I just don't care about anything, but occasionally I will laugh or smile at something. The weight of the world really does seem to be on my shoulders.
iPod has been sold ... I'll be saying good-bye to Toonz as soon as the money comes in ... god, that just sucks! He keeps me company at 3 a.m. when I can't sleep, or at 1 p.m. when I just start crying for no reason ... I worked my arse off to save up the money to buy him ... and now I gotta say goodbye. At least I got back most of the money I paid for him ($200 - i paid $299) and that will be a massive help with rent. I brought a new one on e-bay - a cheaper, smaller, less memory, one. Better than nothing, I guess.
Have to go put a cheque in the bank this afternoon - got $30 from www.emailcash.com.au, which arrived this morning, so that will also help. Then I'll come home and do the job search thing again.
Anyway, that's about it from here. "Later, dudes!"
Monday, March 19, 2007
Just unhappy ...
Argh, I don't know what the hell is wrong with me.
I feel so down again. I don't know. I think everything is just getting to me. I have no job. I'm getting rid of all the things that I worked my arse off to buy, getting back a fraction of the money I paid out, just to pay my rent. After I sell all this stuff, how am I meant to pay rent?
I feel so disconnected from everything. I've deferred from uni for an indefinite period of time. All I'm doing is sleeping and doing nothing around the house. I laugh occasionally, and if I'm with people then of course I act "fine" and "okay" but once I'm alone again then it's back to quiet, and depressed.
I need to do something, I can't keep going like this. I guess the truth of the matter is that I'm unhappy. Plan and simple. Unhappy. Depressed. Just ... Not me.
I don't know.
Where am I going? What the hell am I doing? What do I want?
I feel so down again. I don't know. I think everything is just getting to me. I have no job. I'm getting rid of all the things that I worked my arse off to buy, getting back a fraction of the money I paid out, just to pay my rent. After I sell all this stuff, how am I meant to pay rent?
I feel so disconnected from everything. I've deferred from uni for an indefinite period of time. All I'm doing is sleeping and doing nothing around the house. I laugh occasionally, and if I'm with people then of course I act "fine" and "okay" but once I'm alone again then it's back to quiet, and depressed.
I need to do something, I can't keep going like this. I guess the truth of the matter is that I'm unhappy. Plan and simple. Unhappy. Depressed. Just ... Not me.
I don't know.
Where am I going? What the hell am I doing? What do I want?
Sunday, March 18, 2007
Matty ...
This won't be long as it's midnight and I think it's just about time for bed :o)
Firstly, if you can spare 5 minutes, please check on Matty ... www.caringbridge.org/visit/matty. Matty is currently fighting the toughest battle anyone ever has to fight, and it's getting harder and harder every day. His doctors have said there is nothing more that can be done, so it's just a matter of trying to make this gorgeous little kid as comfortable as possible, which is proving difficult. Matty and his family are an amazing lesson in courage, grace, dignity, inspiration and love. His parents are incredible, as are his brothers, Chris and Zach. Please drop by and leave a message in their guestbook if you are able. I'm sure they'd appreciate the support.
Not much news from here. This afternoon Chrissie came around after work, starving (*lol*!) so we went to maccas. I had a sundae, and she ate an actual meal, but didnt finish it. We actually ate in, but ended up leaving in a hurry because it was *FREEZING* in maccas! We both had goosebumps when we left.
Then we went to Chrissie's for a while, and I put Microsoft works on her brand-new laptop (which she has named ... Herbert. Yep ...!) and we just watched some tv for a while. Then we did some shopping, and Chrissie dropped me at home where I've spent the night watching footy and Las Vegas. So yeah, oh-so-exciting stuff here ...
Anyway. Once again, please drop by Matty's site (www.caringbridge.org/visit/matty) if you can. He is the most amazing child you'll ever meet. Sadly, too many kids are fighting crappy diseases every single day. There are some CaringBridge links on the right hand side of this page, and these links show just a *VERY* few of the kids out there currently fighting! Some of the links are to kids who are now *angels*, but their stories are all amazing and full of grace and courage. Anyway, have a great night guys.
Firstly, if you can spare 5 minutes, please check on Matty ... www.caringbridge.org/visit/matty. Matty is currently fighting the toughest battle anyone ever has to fight, and it's getting harder and harder every day. His doctors have said there is nothing more that can be done, so it's just a matter of trying to make this gorgeous little kid as comfortable as possible, which is proving difficult. Matty and his family are an amazing lesson in courage, grace, dignity, inspiration and love. His parents are incredible, as are his brothers, Chris and Zach. Please drop by and leave a message in their guestbook if you are able. I'm sure they'd appreciate the support.
Not much news from here. This afternoon Chrissie came around after work, starving (*lol*!) so we went to maccas. I had a sundae, and she ate an actual meal, but didnt finish it. We actually ate in, but ended up leaving in a hurry because it was *FREEZING* in maccas! We both had goosebumps when we left.
Then we went to Chrissie's for a while, and I put Microsoft works on her brand-new laptop (which she has named ... Herbert. Yep ...!) and we just watched some tv for a while. Then we did some shopping, and Chrissie dropped me at home where I've spent the night watching footy and Las Vegas. So yeah, oh-so-exciting stuff here ...
Anyway. Once again, please drop by Matty's site (www.caringbridge.org/visit/matty) if you can. He is the most amazing child you'll ever meet. Sadly, too many kids are fighting crappy diseases every single day. There are some CaringBridge links on the right hand side of this page, and these links show just a *VERY* few of the kids out there currently fighting! Some of the links are to kids who are now *angels*, but their stories are all amazing and full of grace and courage. Anyway, have a great night guys.
Saturday, March 17, 2007
Eh ... ?
Realistically, I know that I've lost my job. But it kind of feels as if I'm simply on holidays ...
Anyway, there's not much happening here. My sister rang on Thursday to tell me that I'm going to be an aunty again (for the 3rd time). Gotta say, it wasn't really a suprise, and I don't think this baby was an "accident". I don't think mum is too happy about it, but what can you do?
Thursday was a busy day, I had my house inspection in the morning, which went well, and then I went to centrelink, to be told (after I'd stood in line for 25 freakin minutes) that I have to apply over the phone. So I came home and rang up, only to be told that I have to wait 6 weeks to apply. 6 weeks. What am I meant to live on in the mean time??
Also had the appointment with the psychiatrist (is that spelt right?) on Thursday. It went pretty well. I feel like ... this whole thing has made me realise that trying to please everyone else, and putting everyone else first, isn't any way to live. So I'll be saying what I think from now on, and doing what I want, and saying "NO" to people if they want me to do something that's a bit too much. I think the whole problem has been that I just took on too much, and instead of trying to stop and ask for help, instead of thinking about it, and dealing with it properly, I just kept going. And look where it landed me! No job + mental breakdown = not the best position to be in.
Yesterday was a down day, very quiet all morning, and then I slept all afternoon. Got up, had some dinner, watched the NRL (thank god it's back!) then fell asleep on the couch again, and slept there all night. I think I need some kind of routine, because I am tired all the time. And I know that's from not doing much, as well as the depression, and I can't keep sleeping all the time. This morning it was 11 a.m. before I got out of bed, and I went to sleep about 11 p.m. last night! 12 hours! So I think today I might try to work out a routine and see how I go.
Anyway. I've yet to have a shower or get organised for today (not that I have any plans ...) so I should probably go do something about that.
** "Later, dudes" **
Anyway, there's not much happening here. My sister rang on Thursday to tell me that I'm going to be an aunty again (for the 3rd time). Gotta say, it wasn't really a suprise, and I don't think this baby was an "accident". I don't think mum is too happy about it, but what can you do?
Thursday was a busy day, I had my house inspection in the morning, which went well, and then I went to centrelink, to be told (after I'd stood in line for 25 freakin minutes) that I have to apply over the phone. So I came home and rang up, only to be told that I have to wait 6 weeks to apply. 6 weeks. What am I meant to live on in the mean time??
Also had the appointment with the psychiatrist (is that spelt right?) on Thursday. It went pretty well. I feel like ... this whole thing has made me realise that trying to please everyone else, and putting everyone else first, isn't any way to live. So I'll be saying what I think from now on, and doing what I want, and saying "NO" to people if they want me to do something that's a bit too much. I think the whole problem has been that I just took on too much, and instead of trying to stop and ask for help, instead of thinking about it, and dealing with it properly, I just kept going. And look where it landed me! No job + mental breakdown = not the best position to be in.
Yesterday was a down day, very quiet all morning, and then I slept all afternoon. Got up, had some dinner, watched the NRL (thank god it's back!) then fell asleep on the couch again, and slept there all night. I think I need some kind of routine, because I am tired all the time. And I know that's from not doing much, as well as the depression, and I can't keep sleeping all the time. This morning it was 11 a.m. before I got out of bed, and I went to sleep about 11 p.m. last night! 12 hours! So I think today I might try to work out a routine and see how I go.
Anyway. I've yet to have a shower or get organised for today (not that I have any plans ...) so I should probably go do something about that.
** "Later, dudes" **
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Change of plans :o)
I'm too lazy to do whole songs now ... Hey, give me a break, it's late! So now I'm just going to post a little bit from each song I'm listening to on Toonz (my iPod) (yes, I named it ... and yes, I know that's sad :-P)
If God is a DJ
Life is a dance floor
Love is the rhythm
You are the music
If God is a DJ
Life is a dance floor
You get what you're given
It's all how you use it
You take what you get and you get what you give
I say don't run from yourself, man, that's no way to live
I've got a record in my bag you should give it a spin
Lift your hands in the air so that life can begin
&****************&
When I pretend, everything is what I want it be,
I looked exactly like what you always wanted to see
When I pretend, I can’t forget about the criminal I am
Stealing second after second just cause I know I can, but
I can’t pretend that this is they way it will stay,
I’m just(Lying to defend the truth)
I can’t pretend of who you want me to be so
(I’m lying my way from)
*&&&&&&&&&&&&&*
i can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
I'm just out to find
The better part of me
I'm more than a bird...i'm more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
It's not easy to be me
Wish that i could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home i'll never see
&******************&
I have fallen, I have stood up,
I've had the patience of a tree
You have trembled, you have stayed still, you have tumbled like a weed
All the mountains, all the deserts, go for miles and miles around
We have driven for years now, baby, just to get back to a place we had already found
*&&&&&&&&&&&&&*
In the corners of my mind
I just can't seem to find a reason to believe
That i can break free
Cause you see i have been down for so long
Feel like all hope is gone
But as i lift my hands, i understand
That i should praise you through my circumstance
&*****************&
So what am I not supposed to have an opinion
Should I be quiet just because I'm a woman
Call me a bitch cos I speak what's on my mind
Guess it's easier for you to swallow if I sat and smiled
When a female fires back
Suddenly the target don't know how to act
So he does what any little boy will do
Making up a few false rumors or two
*&&&&&&&&&&&&&*
You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em,
Know when to walk away and know when to run.
You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table.
There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealin's done
&******************&
See, first of all
I know these so-called playas
Wouldn't tell you this
But I'mma be real and
Say what's on my heart
Let's take this chance and
Make this love feel relevant
Didn't you knowI loved you from the start
Yeah
When I think about
All these years
We've put in this relationship
Who knew
We'd make it this far?
Then I think about
Where would I be if
We were to just fall apart
And I can't stand
The thought of losing you
___@___
ok. It's now 2:29, so I think it might be a good idea to head to bed. I gotta be up at 8!
If God is a DJ
Life is a dance floor
Love is the rhythm
You are the music
If God is a DJ
Life is a dance floor
You get what you're given
It's all how you use it
You take what you get and you get what you give
I say don't run from yourself, man, that's no way to live
I've got a record in my bag you should give it a spin
Lift your hands in the air so that life can begin
&****************&
When I pretend, everything is what I want it be,
I looked exactly like what you always wanted to see
When I pretend, I can’t forget about the criminal I am
Stealing second after second just cause I know I can, but
I can’t pretend that this is they way it will stay,
I’m just(Lying to defend the truth)
I can’t pretend of who you want me to be so
(I’m lying my way from)
*&&&&&&&&&&&&&*
i can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
I'm just out to find
The better part of me
I'm more than a bird...i'm more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
It's not easy to be me
Wish that i could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home i'll never see
&******************&
I have fallen, I have stood up,
I've had the patience of a tree
You have trembled, you have stayed still, you have tumbled like a weed
All the mountains, all the deserts, go for miles and miles around
We have driven for years now, baby, just to get back to a place we had already found
*&&&&&&&&&&&&&*
In the corners of my mind
I just can't seem to find a reason to believe
That i can break free
Cause you see i have been down for so long
Feel like all hope is gone
But as i lift my hands, i understand
That i should praise you through my circumstance
&*****************&
So what am I not supposed to have an opinion
Should I be quiet just because I'm a woman
Call me a bitch cos I speak what's on my mind
Guess it's easier for you to swallow if I sat and smiled
When a female fires back
Suddenly the target don't know how to act
So he does what any little boy will do
Making up a few false rumors or two
*&&&&&&&&&&&&&*
You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em,
Know when to walk away and know when to run.
You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table.
There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealin's done
&******************&
See, first of all
I know these so-called playas
Wouldn't tell you this
But I'mma be real and
Say what's on my heart
Let's take this chance and
Make this love feel relevant
Didn't you knowI loved you from the start
Yeah
When I think about
All these years
We've put in this relationship
Who knew
We'd make it this far?
Then I think about
Where would I be if
We were to just fall apart
And I can't stand
The thought of losing you
___@___
ok. It's now 2:29, so I think it might be a good idea to head to bed. I gotta be up at 8!
American Woman
Artist:
Lenny Kravitz
Title:
American Woman
American woman, stay away from me
American woman, mama let me be
Don't come hanging around my door
I don't want to see your face no more
I got more important things to do
Than spend my time growin' old with you
Now woman, stay away
American woman, listen what i say
American woman, get away from me
American woman, mama let me be
Don't come knocking around my door
I don't want to see your shadow no more
Colored lights can hypnotize
Sparkle someone else's eyes
Now woman, get away
American woman, listen what i say
American woman, i said get way
American woman, listen what i say
Don't come hanging around my door
Don't want to see your face no more
I don't need your war machines
I don't need your ghetto scenes
Colored lights can hypnotize
Sparkle someone else's eyes
Now woman, get away
American woman, listen what i say
American woman, stay away from me
American woman, mama let me beI gotta go
I gotta getta away
Think i gotta goI wanna fly away
I'm gonna leave you woman
I'm gonna leave you woman
I'm gonna leave you woman
I'm gonna leave you woman
Bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye
American woman
You're no good for me
I'm no good for you
Looking at you right in the eye
Tell you what i'm gonna do
I'm gonna leave you woman
You know i gotta go
I'm gonna leave you woman
I gotta go
I gotta goI gotta go
American womanYeah
Lenny Kravitz
Title:
American Woman
American woman, stay away from me
American woman, mama let me be
Don't come hanging around my door
I don't want to see your face no more
I got more important things to do
Than spend my time growin' old with you
Now woman, stay away
American woman, listen what i say
American woman, get away from me
American woman, mama let me be
Don't come knocking around my door
I don't want to see your shadow no more
Colored lights can hypnotize
Sparkle someone else's eyes
Now woman, get away
American woman, listen what i say
American woman, i said get way
American woman, listen what i say
Don't come hanging around my door
Don't want to see your face no more
I don't need your war machines
I don't need your ghetto scenes
Colored lights can hypnotize
Sparkle someone else's eyes
Now woman, get away
American woman, listen what i say
American woman, stay away from me
American woman, mama let me beI gotta go
I gotta getta away
Think i gotta goI wanna fly away
I'm gonna leave you woman
I'm gonna leave you woman
I'm gonna leave you woman
I'm gonna leave you woman
Bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye
American woman
You're no good for me
I'm no good for you
Looking at you right in the eye
Tell you what i'm gonna do
I'm gonna leave you woman
You know i gotta go
I'm gonna leave you woman
I gotta go
I gotta goI gotta go
American womanYeah
Broken
Artist:
Seether
Title:
Broken
I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph; I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away
You've gone away, you don't feel me, anymore
The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There’s so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
You've gone away
You don't feel me here anymore
Don't stop dancing
Artist:
CREED
Title: Don't Stop Dancing
At times life is wicked and
I just can’t see the light
A silver lining
Sometimes isn’t enough
To make some
Wrongs seem right
Whatever life brings
I’ve been through everything
And nowI’m on my knees again
But I know I must go on
Although I hurt
I must be strong
Because insideI know that many
Feel this way
Children don’t stop dancing
Believe you can fly
Away, away
At times life’s unfair and
You know it’s plain to see
Hey God I knowI’m just a dot in this world
Have you forgot about me?
Whatever life brings
I’ve been through everything
And nowI’m on my knees again
But I knowI must go on
Although I hurtI must be strong
Because inside
I know that many
Feel this way
Am I hiding
In the shadows?
Forget the pain and
Forget the sorrows
But I knowI must go on
Although I hurtI must be strong
Because inside
I know that many
Feel this way
Children don’t stop dancing
Believe you can fly
Away, away
Am I hiding
In the shadows?
Are we hiding
In the shadows?
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
*Cheap* Therapy!
So, I'm now home, at my place, all alone. And I'm actually ... ok. Yeah.
Been a rough few days. Yesterday I just packed up and decided to go home to mum and dad's. I think it was the best thing to do.
This morning, mum, my brothers girlfriend, my nephew and I packed up to bring me home :o) We did a bit of shopping, then Jordyn started to get verrry cranky so I brought him back here (to my house) to have a nap while mum and Lorri did some shopping. Jordyn ended up going to sleep pretty much straight away, so I tidied up the house a little bit.
Mum, Lorri and Jordyn took off about 2, but not before mum had made me promise that I was to get on the next train home if things were getting too much, or I was getting too down. Damn, I love my mum! She also said to let her know if I need money, which I hopefully won't. I have a tiny bit saved up, and I'm selling a HEAP of dvds on e-bay, so hopefully that'll get me through the next few weeks, until I can either get another job, or apply for Newstart Allowence. I hate the thought of relying on Centrelink for money, but with Newstart the aim is to find a job. I'm thinking about looking for something part time - 25 or so hours a week. I don't know whether I'm ready to handle full time. Of course, who knows if I'll even be able to get another job ... Safeway certainly won't give me a reference. Oh well.
So, my plan for tomorrow ... The real estate agent is coming here to inspect the house at 10 tomorrow morning. I think after that I'll do the job hunting thing for a while, then about lunch time I'll head into centrelink to apply for Newstart.
I still feel slightly lost. It's hard to believe everything that has happened since last Friday. But knowing that my mum is now aware of how I'm *really* doing, and that she's supporting me (even though I never doubted that she would) makes me feel ... relieved? I'm not sure of the word I'm looking for here ... Something, anyway ...! Sooo specific. Mum has always said that she'd support us kids *NO MATTER WHAT*, but I guess I was just scared of worrying her, disappointing her. But I guess I forgot how strong and awesome she is ... The last couple of days have made me realise that. (And damn, I still can't think of the word that I want ...!)
I haven't heard from the counselling people, so I'm not sure what's going on there. I don't even have a number to ring them though, so there's not much that I can do. To be honest, the idea of talking to someone I barely know about what I'm thinking and feeling really doesn't interest me. I can barely tell the people who are *closest* to me how I'm feeling! I'm much more of a writer ... I'm not bothered by writing all this and posting it on here. When writing, I feel like I can express myself a lot easier than talking, I'm a lot more honest, and a lot less shy.
Anyway, it's barely even 8:30, but I think I'm going to get ready for bed! I slept in the spare room with my 2 year old nephew last night, and he went to bed at 9, (I went at 2 a.m.) so of course, he was ready for the day to start at 6:30 this morning! i woke up to Jordyn singing "eee-iiiiiii-eeee-iiiii-ooooo .... eeee-iiiii-eeeee-iii-ooooo" over and over! *lol* And as soon as he noticed that I was *awake* (well, my eyes were sort of open...!) he wanted to chat. And dance around the room. And climb all over me. And chat some more. And hide under his blanket so I could pull it off him and say *boo!* Ahh ... Damn, I love that kid. So, so much. There's nothing like a gorgeous kid to put a smile on your face!
Anyway, I'm off. **BYE!**
Been a rough few days. Yesterday I just packed up and decided to go home to mum and dad's. I think it was the best thing to do.
This morning, mum, my brothers girlfriend, my nephew and I packed up to bring me home :o) We did a bit of shopping, then Jordyn started to get verrry cranky so I brought him back here (to my house) to have a nap while mum and Lorri did some shopping. Jordyn ended up going to sleep pretty much straight away, so I tidied up the house a little bit.
Mum, Lorri and Jordyn took off about 2, but not before mum had made me promise that I was to get on the next train home if things were getting too much, or I was getting too down. Damn, I love my mum! She also said to let her know if I need money, which I hopefully won't. I have a tiny bit saved up, and I'm selling a HEAP of dvds on e-bay, so hopefully that'll get me through the next few weeks, until I can either get another job, or apply for Newstart Allowence. I hate the thought of relying on Centrelink for money, but with Newstart the aim is to find a job. I'm thinking about looking for something part time - 25 or so hours a week. I don't know whether I'm ready to handle full time. Of course, who knows if I'll even be able to get another job ... Safeway certainly won't give me a reference. Oh well.
So, my plan for tomorrow ... The real estate agent is coming here to inspect the house at 10 tomorrow morning. I think after that I'll do the job hunting thing for a while, then about lunch time I'll head into centrelink to apply for Newstart.
I still feel slightly lost. It's hard to believe everything that has happened since last Friday. But knowing that my mum is now aware of how I'm *really* doing, and that she's supporting me (even though I never doubted that she would) makes me feel ... relieved? I'm not sure of the word I'm looking for here ... Something, anyway ...! Sooo specific. Mum has always said that she'd support us kids *NO MATTER WHAT*, but I guess I was just scared of worrying her, disappointing her. But I guess I forgot how strong and awesome she is ... The last couple of days have made me realise that. (And damn, I still can't think of the word that I want ...!)
I haven't heard from the counselling people, so I'm not sure what's going on there. I don't even have a number to ring them though, so there's not much that I can do. To be honest, the idea of talking to someone I barely know about what I'm thinking and feeling really doesn't interest me. I can barely tell the people who are *closest* to me how I'm feeling! I'm much more of a writer ... I'm not bothered by writing all this and posting it on here. When writing, I feel like I can express myself a lot easier than talking, I'm a lot more honest, and a lot less shy.
Anyway, it's barely even 8:30, but I think I'm going to get ready for bed! I slept in the spare room with my 2 year old nephew last night, and he went to bed at 9, (I went at 2 a.m.) so of course, he was ready for the day to start at 6:30 this morning! i woke up to Jordyn singing "eee-iiiiiii-eeee-iiiii-ooooo .... eeee-iiiii-eeeee-iii-ooooo" over and over! *lol* And as soon as he noticed that I was *awake* (well, my eyes were sort of open...!) he wanted to chat. And dance around the room. And climb all over me. And chat some more. And hide under his blanket so I could pull it off him and say *boo!* Ahh ... Damn, I love that kid. So, so much. There's nothing like a gorgeous kid to put a smile on your face!
Anyway, I'm off. **BYE!**
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