Ellis

www.caringbridge.org/mn/ellis

Go back and read Ellis' history - it is heartbreaking, courageous, moving, inspirational, and a million other words. Mostly it is amazing. Ellis now watches over his mama and dada from Heaven.

This is Melissa's entry from December 10, 2006 - The words that were spoken at Ellis' memorial service:

To those of you who gathered with us these last days,thank you immeasurably.
To those of you who gathered here,thank you for knowing, loving, and remembering our son.


Thank you for breathing continued life into this space, this place, this community of Ellisville.

~Our dearest friends and family:
Look around you! These are your fellow citizens and residents of Ellisville!
Oh, how I wish we were gathered this once for a confirmation, a recital – no, a rock concert by the new band “Minimal Stimulation”.
But we are here this day, the day I feared, the day I couldn’t even bring myself to imagine, even after countless conversations with furrowed-brow doctors and teary-eyed nurses.
Our Ellis – MY Ellis, my beautiful son, my Ellis – is gone.
Of course he lives on in memories, in photos, in the incredible impact he has had on all of us. Of course.
But I cannot convince my achingly empty arms of that.
I cannot convince the oh-so-silent house of that.
I cannot even convince myself of that. Not today. Not now. Not yet.
But we are here this day –Ellisville! Gathered together in one place!
We are here because the most awful and terrifying thing has happened to our littlest hero, and yet the world did not stop. We are here because the bravest and strongest boy in the world has done the most brave and most strong thing in the world – he has let go of this life. This life that I have been so afraid of losing myself,
This life we seem to think is unending for any of us, pretending we can hold on.
This life I argued and screamed at God to continue at all costs for my dearest son.
Ellis let go.
I need to tell you about that day. I need you all to know how brave and strong our son was for us, leading us and teaching us how to let go, how to die, and how to live.
For three days before his death, Ellis struggled mightily. For three days, his body suffered tremendous injury in our attempts to save his mind, his heart, his life in some way. For three days, Ellis’s gift-heart held strong, steady, beating insistently that he was still there, he was not giving up. That day, Monday, Sam and I somehow finally knew what Ellis needed. We finally knew that he was holding on, yes, but he was holding on for us. We asked for nothing more to be done to injure his body any further. We somehow realized his body was so fragile that one more procedure, one more test, might be the tipping point and he would leave this world on a table, in an operating room, alone. We could not bear the thought.
So we asked to hold him. Yes, we discussed with the doctors and nurses what steps to take for a peaceful and pain-free end. But first, we wanted to hold him.
Sue and Cindy helped us arrange all the breathing tube, the i.v.’s, the monitor cords. Sam picked up his swollen, broken, battered body and placed him in my arms.
We sat together, the three of us, finally alone in this hospital room.
We told him how much we loved him and how proud we were of him. We told him how no matter what happened we would always be his mama and his dada. Always.
We sang, “Ellis swings on the swingset, no matter where he is…”
And his heart rate, for the first time in all his illness - with no medical changes, nothing taken away from him, nothing stopped, nothing turned down, his heart began to slow. 130, 120, 98…
We sang, “Ellis loves to hear music, especially the drums…” 85, 76, 65…
“And Mama and Dada are with him every day…” 40, 35, 20…
We looked up as the doctor came in to shut off the monitor and we realized he was slipping away at that very moment.
We wept, we wailed, we whispered goodbye to our most precious son. Our Ellis.
We spent the afternoon with him, bathing him, putting lotion on his bruised and blackened skin, taking away all the tape and bandages and tubes, covering his countless wounds with a turtle blanket.
As he laid in his hospital bed, the sunlight shone on his face through the window. He was so beautiful. He was shining. He was full of light.
And that is why we are here today, this day. This most awful - and awesome - day. Ellis brought us light in our world, no matter how dark it seemed. Ellis had SO much joy and love in his spirit that he had enough to share with each of us.
As we said to him each night before sleep,
Got your kitty cat?
Got your nana?
Got your mama?
LIFE IS GOOD!
Let us celebrate together with his favorite instruments: pipe organ, trumpet, piano, cymbals, and especially the TUBA!
Let us celebrate together the strongest and bravest boy in the world – our Ellis.

How beautiful and absolutely heartbreaking is that? How much strength and grace must Melissa and Sam have to write so eloquently in the midst of their grief?
Go to the Caringbridge site for Ellis - www.caringbridge.org/mn/ellis , and read the entire Joural History. It is touching, it shows hope, fear, hurt, sadness, joy, pure happiness and how life should be lived - the way Ellis lived it! With determination, and fight.

This is the latest journal entry from Melissa:
Dear Ellisville:
Six months have passed since that day -the day our world stopped.
How can our world stop and yet go on?
We recently had a brief visit with a newly-bereaved mom. The pain in her eyes and voice and her panickedly gripping hug was startling - startling because it was familiar, and startling because for us it is different now - our grief had changed and we had hardly noticed.
That horrifying newness, those sharp re-realizations, the pain that leaves you breathless - those are the descriptions of December, January, even February. Paired with a numb fog to which we retreated for work, social outings, church, errands.
I remember the day I told myself to stop. To stop with the surreality, to stop with the false hopes. I told myself not to accept this, but at least to finally grasp this - this new world, this world without Ellis. It was late February and I arrived home from work and made my way down the driveway to get the mail (like everything else, this reminds me of Ellis, as we would often get the mail together singing the song from Blue's Clues or if it was too cold I would go alone and he would watch and wave and kick with excitement from the kitchen window). As I walked to the mailbox, I had this seeming revelation that felt as real as anything I'd experienced - it had all been a mistake, a mixup! Ellis was fine! He had just been lost for a bit, and now he was waiting for us to pick him up - happy and healthy and homesick. I knew - I KNEW - there would be a letter to this effect in the mail that day. I would open the mailbox and there it would be and I would rip open the envelope and rush inside and call Sam and this whole nightmare would be over. I KNEW. But, of course, there was no letter.
Of course.
The devastation, pain, great big sobbing choking wails of grief overwhelmed me again as I told myself to stop looking for him, stop hoping, just stop.
For me, this was the beginning of a very dark and angry time. Escaping with alcohol in the evenings became an admittedly too-frequent occurence. It helped me fall asleep without the flashbacks of those last days, it helped me feel separate from the grief, if only for a few hours. I will forever be ashamed of my attempts to escape anything that has to do with my son.
We retreated from friends and family, clinging to each other - seeing in each other the only other person on the face of the earth who lived each day of those hospital nightmares with Ellis, the only other person who spent countless sleepless nights in chairs near Ellis, the only other person who's eyes looking back did not judge or question or look away in fear, discomfort, pity. We are Ellis's parents. We are his Mama and Dada. Always.
Amazingly, Ellis's birthday, a day I dreaded and feared, seemed to act as a cleansing walk through his life, visiting the places he visited, seeing the people he knew. Beautiful blue skies, balloons floating up from the park, hugs at the PICU from doctors and nurses (some of whom wore their turtle scrubs for the occasion!), time with family, time remembering Ellis - this was a day that seemed to jolt me (a bit) out of my self-created pitiful pit and rejoin life. Life is good, right? Some days that saying grates a bit, I must say, but other days it gives me a glimpse (a memory) of hope. With the arrival of spring, we have moved forward with a few plans. We met with world-renowned composer Stephen Paulus so he could begin work on a piece for concert band in Ellis's honor. We placed a brick at the Angel of Hope in Maple Grove. We saw the awarding of the first Ellis Bergstrom Memorial Music Scholarship at STMA High School and will see the other two awarded this fall at Augsburg College and Anoka-Ramsey Community College. We paid back the mortgage payment that the amazing SPARE KEY FOUNDATION (www.sparekey.org) had given to us while we were in the hospital and I was on unpaid leave. We even pilgrimaged to Ellis Island for Mother's Day. After we had explored the island's museums and gardens and the ferry pulled away, I cried. I cried because Ellis isn't there, either. He isn't at home, he isn't on Ellis Island, he isn't at Grandma's house, he isn't at the hospital, he isn't sleeping in his big boy bed - he isn't with us anymore on this earth. I still fight this! I still feel like I can argue with this! As if it is open for debate and if I just come up with the right cosmic reasoning, he will come back. Swimming through surreality, grinding through anger, and just plain old holding on to each other during the dark, empty, bottomless silence. This is our world. It is not new, it is not horrifying (most days), it is familiar. Some days I have moments where I realize that I hadn't thought of him for an hour or so - maybe I was teaching or rehearsing or correcting papers - and I grieve again. For whether or not life is good, it sure has the amazing capability to keep on going, no matter if the person living it wants to or not. Sometimes I imagine that our life force comes not from ourselves, but from our family, our friends, our Ellisville community, perhaps even Ellis himself. So our lives keep on going...
Sam has made the tough decision to leave his job of 9 years at STMA highschool. (My first reaction? How will Ellis come back and play cowbell at the pepbands if Sam isn't the band director there? - Keep on swimming, I must.) Sam will begin teaching at Anoka-Ramsey Community College this fall. Yes, the same music department where I teach. It's a good thing we like each other and respect each other's work and gifts tremendously - I am very excited to know him as a colleague and I think he will be a great addition to our department. And our lives keep going...
We leave for Italy today. Yes, today. Thanks to the generous "get away from it all" gift from my Aunt Julie, Cousins Amy & Tom, Melanie & Kevin, Lori & Tom, Bruce & Tammie, Sister/Brother Sarah & Adam (and I can't forget the "priceless" contributions of MasterCard and Visa!), we will travel through Italy and Austria for the next three weeks, renewing, reorienting, remembering, and re-energizing.
For life goes on, whether you want it to or not. Change continues to occur, no matter how tightly you cling to the past. Sadness, surrealness, even sullenness all surround us, no matter what you do to try and escape. And somehow light breaks in. Sometimes light dawns at the corners of the darkness. Somewhere (WHERE? WHERE? WHERE?) Ellis is. Not was. Is. He IS. He is.
Clinging to that hope,Melissa & Sam

Go visit Melissa and Sam. Meet Ellis. Read his story. Cry for this gorgeous kid and everything he endured. Smile at the photos of Ellis and his wise, old-soul eyes. Leave a note in the guestbook.
You won't regret it :o)


Sending kisses up to Heaven for Ellis!

Ever seen baby Porcupines?

A fairy tale ...

A FAIRY TALE

Once upon a time there lived a King.

The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.

But there was a problem.

Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what; metal, wood, stone, anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her.

Nobody would dare marry her.

The King despaired.

What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians.

One wizard told the King, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.."

The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition.

Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the King's wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.

But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.

The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought diamonds.

He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.

But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.

He too was sent away disappointed. :-[

The third prince approached.

He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.

She felt something hard.

She held it in her hand.

And it did not melt!!!

The King was overjoyed.

Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.

And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?

M&M's of course.

They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

What were you thinking, you pervert?? !!

The Cat In The Hat talks about aging!

Just in case you weren't feeling "too" old today, this will certainly change things.

The people who started university this year across the nation were born in 1987.

Star Wars is older than them.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

They have always had an answering machine

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

They have always had CD's, never records.

Ray Martin has been on Channel 9 their entire life.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even was.

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet? (Sorry) Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading.

Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate

Positive thought for the day

Ghost Story! .... **ooooh, imagine spooky music here**

This story happened a while ago in Brisbane , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true. John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, just to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on! The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched how the hand appeared every time they came to a curve. John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and asked for two shots of tequila. He then started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized he was crying and.... wasn't drunk. About 15 minutes later, two guys walked into the same pub. They were also wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, "Look, Bruce - there's that f*cking idiot who got in the car while we were pushing it."

Slow Dance (Poem)

SLOW DANCE

Have you ever watched kids

On a merry-go-round?

Or listened to the rain

Slapping on the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?

Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

You better slow down.

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last.

Do you run through each day

On the fly?

When you ask

How are you?

Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done

Do you lie in your bed

With the next hundred chores

Running through your head?

You'd better slow down

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last.

Ever told your child,

We'll do it tomorrow?

And in your haste,

Not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch,

Let a good friendship die

Cause you never had time

To call and say,"Hi"

You'd better slow down.

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last.

When you run so fast to get somewhere

You miss half the fun of getting there.

When you worry and hurry through your day,

It is like an unopened gift....

Thrown away.

Life is not a race.

Do take it slower

Hear the music

Before the song is over.

Random mutterings ...

I can't seem to shake this cold. I've had it almost a week. Isn't it time to pass it on?!
Mum will almost be in Thailand, another 20 or so minutes and they'll arrive. Bet she'll sleep well tonight, she was up at 5 this morning!
I was reading Harry Potter before, and I can't help but be amazed at J.K. Rowling and her writing. What is it about Harry and his mates that appeal to so many people? The books are read by so many different kinds of people. What an awesome writer she is, to be able to compel so many to read! I wish I knew *why* J.K. seems to have captured everyone's imagination.
So I've finished Harry for about the 40th time, (how long until the next one comes out?!) and I'm now starting ...? I'm not sure of the title *lol* The book about the dog named Lava that the US soliders found while they were over in Iraq serving their country. They managed to get the puppy back into the States. It's meant to be an excellent read. At the moment I'm just reading anything, I'm waiting for the new Stephanie Plum to hit the shelves in 8 days! Lean Mean Thirteen, the latest in the series from Janet Evanovich is released next Monday. I can't wait! I love the Plum Series, Steph, Joe, Ranger, Grandma, Lula, Tank, Connie, Vinnie and Rex never disappoint :o)
Going to Melbourne on Thursday with my dad ... That'll be a long day.
Not doing much tomorrow ... Have to go to Centrelink, put in some job applications. Want to do another cleanout of my house ... I always feel like I have too much crap, like I'm not organised enough ...
Also need to defrost my freezer ... Do I know how to have a good time or what?!
Gus is well. Friggin mental, but well. He likes to sit at the bottom of his tank, which doesn't exactly please me, as it makes me think **Dead Fish! Damn, I killed him!** Then he'll shoot to the top of the tank with amazing speed, and go nuts for 5 minutes before settling back on the bottom ...
I just realised I have 4 birds running around on the loungeroom floor :o) I let them out a while ago, and then came in here, forgetting them!
... Yes, I'm a responsible pet owner, can't you tell?! ...
New site for you all to check out ... www.mycrazyroommate.com - it is hilarious :o)
PostSecret has some great secrets up this week. :o) Check 'em out.

True Friendship

Grandma's Letter!

Do you think?

I'll add a new post to bump down my little Paris Hilton *rant* :o) I've never blogged about any celebrity, or anything similar to that before, but that silly twit is unbelievable! I was wondering last night ... I wonder how often she watches the news? I wonder if she has any idea what goes on in the real world? Hmm.
Anyway. On to other things! Am getting ready to go back to bed soon :o) I've been up since 5 a.m., mum arrived last night to spend the night here before heading to Melbourne first thing this morning. I put mum in my bed and I slept on the couch, and mum came into the lounge at 5, saying that she couldn't find the alarm clock, and she didn't know what time it was *lol* :o) The alarm wasn't actually set to go off until 6 a.m., so she was up a full hour before she had to be! So we sat down and watch Sunrise, caught up on the news and gossip, then mum had a shower and breakfast, and then we went back to sitting and waiting. Pam and Vern (my aunty and uncle, who are going with mum) were here at 7 to pick mum up. They should nearly be at the airport. Their planes leaves at 1, and they get in at 7 p.m. Australian time, which is 10 p.m. Bangkok time. Thailand is 3 hours ahead of Australia.
So hopefully they have an awesome time while they are away. After the last 5 or 6 months, I think mum honestly deserves a relaxing, long break without having to deal with all the family stuff every day :o) I hope she's able to chill and not worry for the 2 weeks away.
Haven't done a CaringBridge wrap-up for a while ... Hunter has a birthday coming up! The *big* 5! It's a little sad when you realise that this gorgeous little girl has been on chemo for over half her life. Let's hope she can kick cancers ass once and for all and leave it behind :o) Matty's mum is still missing her little hero. This weekend, Sandra is walking in memory of her little man. Rachel's family are currently making plans for her funeral ... Thoughts are with them. Elizabeth is doing much better this week, great news! Anna Jane is having good and bad days ... Thoughts are with her family, praying for more good days. Hannah's mum continues to show the beautiful soul that she has, with eloquent posts. Kayla has some time off chemo to have some *fun!* at Camp Rainbow. Lillie found the last week of chemo a little bit easier - go Lillie! :o) Don't forget Krystie, who's recently had a stem cell transplant, Skylar-Jade, who is home on hospice, and Abel, who's looking to his next round of chemo which starts this week.
Of course, that's not even close to all the CB kids that are out there :o) Look to the right --> for a list of links. Hopefully I'll be able to update it in the next couple of days, as I do have a few more links to add.
Anyway, it might be time to take off and head to bed :o) 3 hours sleep on the couch wasn't quite enough for me :-P I'm still trying to shake this stupid cold, I think sleep will make it magically disappear :o)

Life don't make any sense to me ...

So, Paris Hilton was dragged back to jail, after breaking law, screaming "It's not right! It's not right!"
No, Paris, let me tell you what's *not right*.
Children, like Matty, Hayley, Lizzie, Jake, Catie, Hannah, Blair, Blake, Penelope and Rachel dying every single day ... Living in pain, due to horrible diseases, then closing their eyes and leaving their families, who will miss and grieve for them *every* *single* *day* for the rest of their time on Earth. "It's not right!"
War, famine, people living in poverty, starving to death, homelessness ... "It's not right!"
Tragedies, such as the Kerang train disaster, the NSW floods which have claimed lives, leaving families broken-hearted, dreams torn away in seconds. "It's not right!"
Divorce, depression, suicide, drought, hopelessness ... "It's not right!"
Sexual, physical, verbal and spousal abuse, tearing people apart ... "It's not right!"
Acts of senseless violence, murder ... "It's not right!"


So what is right? A spoilt brat, who broke the law, getting the punishment she deserves. God, does anyone else feel like telling her to grow the fuck up? It's 45 days. She won't be living on the streets. She won't starve. She won't be cold at night. She won't lose her family.
It *is* right.

Another Angel takes flight

Sweet Rachel, who has been fighting Ewings Sarcoma, (an aggressive type of cancer) for half her life, gave up the fight and flew to Heaven early this morning (Australian time).
Thoughts and love to Rachel's family - Mark, Jodi, Blake and Lance.
R.I.P. Rachel. No more pain! No more cancer!

Labels. (And Happy 1 week Birthday to Gus).

So, last night, thanks to this stupid flu thing, I was in bed at 8:30. Looks like tonight will be the same :o) *lmao* How old/sad/pathetic am I?!
I am feeling a bit better today. I think a good nights sleep last night helped a lot, then I spent most of the day on the couch :o) Went to Chrissie's, but only stayed an hour. It had nothing to do with the fact that she told me that I looked like "utter shit", I swear :o) *lol* It was actually funny. She looked at me as I walked in the door and went "... Damn. I've seen you look tired, but I've never seen you look *that* bad".
Friends, huh? What would you do without them ...?! :o)
I don't even have the tv on tonight. Just listening to P!nk, who's quietly singing in the background.
I was watching the news before, and they had more on the train accident (or the "Kerang Train Tragedy", as every station was calling it), and I realised that Kerang will now be one of those towns - you know, Childers, Threadbo, Beaconsfield ... Say the name and everyone will immediately think of the tragedy associated with it ... How sad is that? It will always be "the place with the train crash that killed all those people". It'll never be the beautiful country town, it won't be known for good people, or something positive, it will forever be associated with one of the worst train accidents in Australia's history. How sad is that?
P!nk is now singing about how God is a DJ ... Guess he's got some new dancers in Heaven this week :o) Peace be with the victims of the train accident, and their families.
Lorri and Jordyn went home today. They left about 12, and got home shortly before 5. Thankfully, they made it home safely, and were able to miss most of the traffic when they went through Melbourne. Both Lorri and I totally forgot that she'd be going home on the Friday leading into a long weekend, so of course people are going to be everywhere on the roads, heading away for the 3 day break ... They had to wait until Friday afternoon though, until the kids had finished school for the week, and work for the week, so Lorri was lucky she was in and out of Melbourne before 3 :o)
I've got tomorrow to enjoy the quiet, then Leanne shows up on Sunday before she leaves for Thailand on Monday. Tomorrow I'll spend the day cleaning, vacuuming and re-organising my house ... Ahh, I'm so exciting :o)
Anyway, I might take off and get ready for bed. My head is absolutely f***ing killing me, whenever I move the tiniest bit, it's horrible. Realised before that a lot of that is probably because I've hardly had anything to drink today, so in the last hour I've had a litre and a half of water, and it's helped a little bit. Am going to take 2 neurofen plus, and go to bed.
Have a great night, guys :o)
P.S. Yes, Gus the fish is still alive! I've had him a whole week! And I haven't freakin killed him! Awesome!

"She swears the moon don't hang quite as high as it used to"

I feel like ....

I feel like arse.
I don't really get that expression, but I know that paraphrased, it basically means "I feel like crap".
Which is very true today.
I think my *cold* is slightly more than a cold - feels suspiciously like the flu. My legs are aching, my head hurts, I am unbelievably nauseous, and I. Am. So. Frickin. Tired.
And Lorri is so loud!I don't know why, but she speaks so very loudly. And so very often.
She's currently yelling, yes *yelling*at the tv.
Rang my mum today. I think I just wanted to talk to her because I didn't feel well :o) She said she's looking soooo foward to her trip (She leaves for Thailand on Monday, for two whole weeks). She has today off, works tomorrow and Saturday then comes down here on Sunday for the night before leaving early Monday morning to catch their plane.She said dad is good, very tired tho, as he is still working at the accident site, doing the 5p.m. - 2 a.m. shift, redirecting traffic. He's got to go back again for the next three nights in a well, hopefully by then the accident site will be totally clean.
I've been typing this while writing dinner, and I just smelt something funny - I've burnt the shit out of the rice ... Oops :o) Think I've ruined the bottom of the pot!
Better get going, dont want to burn the chicken as well..

Not. Me. So Unhappy.

I really don't know what is wrong with me. I just feel so ... not me. I don't know.
I think it's because I've had *no* alone time since Saturday. And for someone who usually spends most of her time alone, that is a pretty big adjustment.I don't know.
The f***wit is coming to Bendigo tomorrow. I will be babysitting Jordyn while Lorri spends time with him. I've already said that I do not want him here at my house, under any circumstances.
I wish I could articulate my feelings and say what it is that I'm really feeling right now ...
So unhappy!

Dude, I'm getting to be a real pro at these email entries :o)

The number of deaths from the train accident is now up to 11.

 

I'm typing this while Jordyn is in the background, yelling "Shrek! Shrek!" He's a big fan of Shrek. Everyone's got Shrek 3 stuff out at the moment, since the movie opens in Australia tomorrow. So everywhere we go, Jordyn yells out "Shrek! Shrek!" when he spots some movie merchandise or advertising.

 

My mood has been much improved this morning, don't know if it's because I slept fairly well, or just because today is a new day :o) I did wake up with a cold tho :o( That wasn't so great! Now all three of us have got the damn cold. Felt like there was concrete in my nostrils, seriously ...

 

Anywayz, I'm not sure what we're going to do today. It's nearly 11 am, and none of us are dressed. Somehow I think we're going to have a quite day in :o)

Train wreck/General update - Another email entry.

The link below for the news on the train accident has been automatically updated - there are now 10 confirmed deaths.

What a horrible thing to have happen.So many lives unnecessarily lost. So unfair.

 

 

I'm really really annoyed that the f***wit has been ringing so much. I've had enough! It is just ridiculous. And what really annoys me? Lorri saying that "oh your brother is driving me nuts/your brother is annoying me/i wish he'd leave me alone" etc, but she answers the phone over and over and talks to him every single time, and I just do not understand. I can't comprehend why she keeps talking to him if he's causing such a problem. She knows he lies, she knows he's manipulative, and yet ... she just keeps answering that stupid phone, and talking to him. SIX times today, he has called. Countless text messages and online conversations as well.

 

I don;t know. I think I just need to vent. I'm not used to having 2 other people in my house, all the time. I'm used to being alone. I'm used to being able to have a smoke, whenever I like! I'm not used to having to talk all the time - Lorri likes to talk, about everything and anything.

 

I love having Lorri and Jordyn here. I don't know. I'm just feeling out of sorts, for some reason. I'm not sure what the hell is wrong with me. Maybe it's just tiredness, maybe it's cigarette withdrawal, (although, that usually doesn't bother me too much), or maybe it's just general grumpiness. 

 

I don't know. I give up.

6 dead, 52 wounded in Train Accident near Kerang.

http://www.news.com.au/heraldsun/story/0,21985,21852883-661,00.html

 

http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=271302

 

 

Mum rang an hour ago, to say that there had been a massive train accident just near home. At this point, 6 people have been confirmed dead, and over 50 people were injured. The 1pm train from Swan Hill is often fairly full, so the injured toll could easily rise.

Dad has been told he will have to help with the clean up through his work, so he is not expecting to come home until early tomorrow morning.

 

 

Vic train crash kills six, dozens hurt

Tuesday Jun 5 15:35 AEST

Six people were killed and about 50 injured when a passenger train bound for Melbourne collided with a truck at a level crossing in Victoria's north-west.

The accident happened about 1.40pm (AEST) approximately six kilometres north of Kerang, on the Murray Valley Highway, Victoria Police said.

A police spokeswoman said six people were confirmed dead.

"There are 12 with serious injuries and we've got around 40 people who are wounded," the spokeswoman said.

"The truck driver of the semi-trailer has been taken to the Mildura hospital in a serious condition," she said.

It is believed the V/Line passenger train left Swan Hill at 1pm (AEST) and was due to arrive at Southern Cross station in Melbourne at 5.09pm.

The accident happened about 40 minutes into the journey.

A Rural Ambulance spokeswoman said six ambulances had been called to the scene of the accident.

Helicopters and fixed wing aircraft have flown to Kerang to airlift the most badly injured to Melbourne.

"There are some very seriously injured," Kerang District Hospital chief Robert Jarman told Sky News.

The Country Fire Authority (CFA) and State Emergency Service (SES) also sent crews to the accident site.

Edmund Carew, a spokesman for Victoria's shadow transport minister Terry Mulder, said the crossing had flashing lights but no boom gates.

It is unknown at this stage if the lights were working when the accident happened.

Police said they had no further details at this stage.

On Tuesday afternoon, V/Line issued a statement confirming the passenger train left Swan Hill at 1pm (AEST) and was bound for Melbourne.

"We can confirm that there was an accident between a truck and a V/Line train at a level crossing near Kerang," the statement from V/Line said.

 

 

 

What a terrible, terrible tragedy.

 

 

Email entry ... Will it work?

Hey there :o)

This is being done via email, so I'm not sure whether it will work properly or not.

I've got visitors at the moment, Lorri and Jordyn are here. They arrived Saturday night.
Had a good day yesterday, I think I will remember my 24th Birthday as a very low-key, relaxed one. Woken up nice and early by Jordyn, who was up at 7. Mum rang about 8, then we went for a walk into the city, had a wander around, and a look in. Went to the pet shop and got some fish stuff, and some birdie stuff, Went out to Lansell Plaza for lunch, and had a good look around there. Came out of the shopping centre a couple of hours later to find that it was raining :o) Sun had been shining when we went in!

Paid off my electric blanket with the rest of my birthday money yesterday afternoon to get it home and discover that it was the wrong frickin size! *lmao* So I ended up getting another one today, cheaper, and bigger (!) than the first. I'll take the other one back tomorrow and get a refund.

Today we went out to VicRoads to change Lorri's new car into her name, then we did some grocery shopping. More showers this afternoon meant that we spent the afternoon at home, watching tv. Jordyn slept for a few hours, which was *great* as before he went down, he was ***Really*** ***Grumpy***, as he has some more teeth coming through. I'm not quite sure who this two and a half year old child is, or what he has done with my formerly sweet and placid nephew, but I'd like the other Jordyn back! *lmao* I think it's because he is teething, but also because since his father (The F***wit, my brother) is gone, he's experiencing a new level of freedom that he's not had before. Also, he's a typical two year old! 

Anyway. Might take off, as dinner is ready.  
Catchya later!

The one that has 12 lines ...

Feeling very "bleah" today - not sure why. Just feel so nauseated and tired. Have been drinking flat sprite all afternoon, but it hasn't helped much :-S
Lorri and Jordyn are on their way, they got stuck in Melbourne, and didn't leave until nearly 4. Hopefully they won't hit much traffic on the way out of Melbourne.
Gus is doing well :o) Has settled into the house wonderfully :o)
Am watching Las Vegas ... again. Onto Season 2 now. It's an easy way to lose your afternoon, spending it on the couch in front of the tv.
Think I might head back to the couch - really hope this passes soon.

Welcome, Gus!

So tonight, there is a new member in my house! Christine turned up with my birthday present today (A few days early, I know, but she works on Sunday :o)) ... A fighting fish in a gorgeous glass round tank, who she had named Gus :o) I *met* Gus yesterday when we went to the pet shop so Christine could get some new fish. I've always been fascinated by fighting fish, because I think they are gorgeous. Gus is a beautiful deep red colour, and is very lively, unlike those worrying fighting fish who sit on the bottom of the tank all day.

Collingwood is winning the football by 13 points at the moment :o) Go pies!

We had a good day today, after Christine brought Gus around and we set him up in his new home, we went for a drive to Ang's to catch up with her, but she wasn't home. So we decided to hit maccas for lunch, then we did a bit of shopping. While we were shopping we found a P!nk dvd - the European "Try This" tour dvd. So Chrissie got it and we came back here to watch it (was **really** great!), then we spent the rest of the arvo watching Las Vegas.

We also went out for dinner tonight, La Porchetta is finally open again, they have been closed for almost 3 months due to renovations being done. They re-opened yesterday.

Since getting home from dinner, I have been getting my spare room organised, making up the spare bed and getting out the blankets to make up the futon in the morning, because Lorri and Jordyn are coming to visit me tomorrow! I'm so looking foward to seeing my little man, and catching up with Lorri. It will be awesome to spend a few days with them :o)

Anyway, I might take off, I think it's bed time :o)

Always the real thing ...

No entry yesterday :o) That's coz by the time we got home, it had been a loooong day so I just wanted to sit in front of the tv and zone.

So, mum came down yesterday morning. After she got here, we decided to go out to Lansel Plaza to do some shopping. We had a look around, got what we wanted and went back to the car. When we got back to the car, we found a leaking radiator. So we called RACV, who told us that it would be 30 minutes to an hour before they could get a guy out to us to have a look. 1 hr 15 minutes later the guy showed, and said that a "bung" underneath the radiator had snapped off, hence the leak. In 20 years as a mechanic he'd never seen one snap off, he reckons. That's just what you want to hear, isn't it?! After 30 minutes, he'd managed to figure out a way to "fix" it temporarily, so that we could make the 25 minute drive to the RACV shop, where they could hoist it up and fix it properly.

We got to the shop safely, thank goodness, and were told a part was "on it's way". Thankfully it was the right part, and we *only* had to wait 2 and a half hours for the car to be fixed once it had arrived :o) *lol* We waited at the shop the whole time, as we didn't know how long it would take the part to arrive, and the RACV shop is in Strathdale, about 40 minutes walk from the city. We wouldn't have gone walking anyway, as it was cold, rainy and miserable :o) We spent the entire time laughing at everything :o) Ahhh well!

Finally got home about 5:45 last night ... Yay! :o) We had some dinner, watched some tv, then had an early night, because sitting around waiting all afternoon really tires you out :o)

This morning mum went out to visit Karen, and I went into the city to get a couple of things. When mum got back we went to the marketplace, and had my "birthday" lunch :o) I just had a hamburger. Fancy, huh? :-P Good enough for me! We did a bit of shopping, then mum headed home about 2.

Since then, I've been hanging out at Christines, we went to buy her some more fishies, since she only had two left :o) Then we just watched some Las Vegas for a while, before I walked home :o) Nice and relaxing.

Anywayz, might take off. Have a great night, guys! :o)

Cuz I can ...

Just had a bit of a cry :o) Don't know why. Sometimes I just get sick of everything, and get a little down.

It may have had something to do with the fact that my mum rang before. I said that I was thinking of moving into Christines, mainly because of the fact that rent here is killing me, I get Newstart every second Tuesday, and $300 of it is gone for rent. Not to mention phone, gas, electricity and food. It's just a bit too much. That started a lecture, yada yada yada. I literally got off the phone and was in tears 2 seconds later. Great.

Pretty crappy day today. Stormy and rainy all day. Went into the city to pay a couple of bills this morning and got soaked on the way home when the rain really started. Windy as all get-out too :o) Lots of people walking around with *sexy* hair :-P I want to go into Big W, but the rain won't stop ... Ahh well.

My little crying fit has given me a headache :o)

Rang Ang today. She sounds like she's doing ok. Junior and the girls have decided to move back to Bendigo :o) Which will be good for all of them, I think. It will be comforting to know that the girls aren't an entire state away.

Anyway. I might get going. Will probably add more later.

My blue brothers, this is madness!

Still watching Las Vegas :o)
Took a two and a half hour walk today, ended up walking 16.65km, 10,970 steps, and burnt 699 calories. It was nice to get out of the house, and just ... wander. I didn't have to go anywhere, I had no expectations placed on me, I wasn't in a hurry, I didn't have to worry about a thing. It was really nice :o)
(Was frickin tired when I got home though :o))
Think I'll try to do it a few times a week, as long as I have my MP3 player with me, I can walk for ages.
We got some rain today. Not a real lot, but for the drought-affected farmers, every bit helps. My landlord came before it started to rain, and mowed the lawn ... There's nothing left there now! *lol* It was growing so well with all the rain in the last few weeks, and now there's nothing left!

Anyway. Getting a little late, so I'm going to take off. Laterz dudez!

The one where I can't think of a title ...

Eh. Kind of an "eh" day today.
Slept til 11 this morning. Woke at 9 and couldn't be bothered getting out of bed ... So I rolled over and went back to sleep.
When I finally got up, it was to answer the phone. Mum rang, just to see what I was up to. Judgement galore when she realised I was still in bed at 11 a.m.
Had a good day when I did get showered and dressed. Went into Big W and got a few things, then came home and cleaned my kitchen, lounge, toilet, did 2 loads of washing, cleaned the birds cage out, disinfected all their perches and feed/water containers, cleaned out Doug and Steve's cage, changed my sheets and doona cover, and vacuumed the house :o)
Now I'm watching some Las Vegas, which I borrowed from Chrissie yesterday afternoon.
Had P!nk on all day today, I'm guessing the guy next door is probably sick of listening to her. But I've fallen in love with the I'm Not Dead album, mainly because it rocks :o)
Ok, since I have nothing of interest to say, I'll finish with some P!nk lyrics :o)


The One That Got Away

Mmmm mm yeah
Oh oh
I stood by the exit door of the hotel cafe
He was playing with his band
I've always been a sucker had a weakness for a boy with a guitar and a drink in his hand
His words were like heaven in my hurricane
My knees buckled under
I thought everyone was watching me
Watching you save my life with the song
You were mine
In the back of my mind
Oh just for one night
Just for a while
There's always one that gets away
The one that sneaks up on you that slips away
Two weeks later I was sitting in his apartment
He was making cappuchino
I said what kind of man makes cappuchino
We laughed
We laughed
We laughed
We laughed til tears ran down my face
Oh but my man you're someone elses man
And that aint the man that I want
But you keep drawing me in with those big brown lion eyes
You'll always be mine
In the back of my mind
Oh we had a night
Just a little wine
There's always one that gets away
The one that sneaks up on you that slips away
In a closed off corner of my heart yes
I'll always see your face
The one that got away
One that got away
The one that got away
The one that got away
Oh the one that got away
The one that got away
Oh the one that got away
The one that got away
Oh the one that got away
Yeah yeah
Oh oh oh oh
Yeah yeah
Oh
I'm not a victim of cliches
I don't believe in soul mates
Happy endings only one
Oh and I met you and all that changed
I had a taste and you're still sitting on the tip of my tongue
You were mine
Somewhere in timeI'll look for you first
In my next life
There's always one that gets away
The one that sneaks up on you that slips away
Slips away
In a closed off corner of my heart yeah yeah yeah yeah
I I'll always see your face
The one that got away
The one that got away
The one that got away
The one that got away
Oh the one that got away
The one that got away
Oh the one that got away
The one that got away
The one that got away
Yeah yeah
Oh oh yeah
The one that got away


Runaway

I've got my things packed
My favorite pillow
Got my sleeping bag
Climb out the window
All the pictures and pain
I left behind
All the freedom and fame
I've gotta find
And I wonder
How long it'll take them to notice that I'm gone
And I wonder
How far it'll take me
To run away
It don't make any sense to me
Run away
This life makes no sense to me
Run away
It don't make any sense to me
Run away
It don't make any sense to me
I was just trying to be myself
Have it your way I'll meet you in hell
It's all these secrets that I shouldn't tell I've got to run away
It's hypocritical of you
Do as you say not as you do
I'll never be your perfect girl
I've got to run away
I'm too young to be
Taken seriously
But I'm too old to believe
All this hypocrisy
And I wonder
How long it'll take them to see my bed is made
And I wonder
If I was a mistake
I might have nowhere left to go
But I know that I cannot go home
These words are strapped inside my head
Tell me to run before I'm dead
Chase the rainbows in my mind
And I will try to stay alive
Maybe the world will know one day
Why won't you help me run away
It don't make any sense to me
Run away
This life makes no sense to me
Run away
I could sing for change
On a Paris street
Be a red light dancer
In New Orleans
I could start again
To the family
I could change my name
Come and go as I please
In the dead of night
You'll wonder where I've gone
Wasn't it you
Wasn't it you
Wasn't it you that made me run away
I was just trying to be myself
Have it your way I'll meet you in hell
All these secrets that I shouldn't tell I've got to run away
It's hypocritical of you
Do as you say not as you do
Never be your perfect girl
I've got to run away
It don't make any sense to me
Run away
This life makes no sense to me
Run away
It don't make any sense to me
Run away
It don't make any sense to me
This life makes no sense to me
It don't make no sense to me
It don't make any sense to me
Life don't make any sense to me


Leave me alone (I'm lonely)
(LOVE this song! The album version is funny as!)


Go away
Give me a chance to miss you
Say goodbye
It'll make me want to kiss you
I love you so
Much more when you're not here
Watchin all the bad shows
Drinking all of my beer
I don't believe Adam and Eve
Spent every goddamn day together
If you give me some room there will be room enough for two
Tonight
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonely
I'm tired
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonely tonight
I don't wanna wake up with another
But I don't wanna always wake up with you either
No you can't hop into my shower
All I ask for is one ***kin' hour
You taste so sweet
But I can't eat the same thing every day
Cuttin off the phone
Leave me the ***k alone
Tomorrow I'll be beggin' you to come home
Tonight
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonely
I'm tired
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonely tonight
Go away
Come back
Go away
Come back
Why can't I just have it both ways
Go away
Come back
Go away
Come back
I wish you knew the difference
Go away
Come backGo away
Give me a chance to miss you
Say goodbye
It'll make me want to kiss you
Go away
Give me a chance to miss you
Say goodbye
It'll make me want to kiss you
Go away
Give me a chance to miss youSay goodbye
It'll make me want to kiss you
Tonight
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonelyI'm tired
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonely tonight
Tonight
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonelyI'm tired
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonely tonight
Tonight
Go away
Give me a chance to miss you
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonely
Say goodbye
It'll make me want to kiss you
I'm tired
Go away
Give me a chance to miss you
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonely
Say goodbye
It'll make me want to kiss you
Tonight
Go away
Give me a chance to miss you
Say goodbye
It'll make me want to kiss you



More next time :o)

Nobody Knows - Pink

Nobody knows

Nobody knows but me

That I sometimes cry

If I could pretend that I'm asleep

When my tears start to fall

I peek out from behind these walls

I think nobody knows

Nobody knows no

Nobody likes

Nobody likes to lose their inner voice

The one I used to hear before my life

Made a choice

But I think nobody knows

No no

Nobody knows

No

Baby

Oh the secret's safe with me

There's nowhere else in the world that I could ever be

And baby don't it feel like I'm all alone

Who's gonna be there after the last angel has flown

And I've lost my way back home

I think nobody knows no

I said nobody knows

Nobody cares

It's win or lose not how you play the game

And the road to darkness has a way

Of always knowing my name

But I think nobody knows

No no

Nobody knows no no no no

Baby

Oh the secret's safe with me

There's nowhere else in the world that I could ever be

And baby don't it feel like I'm all alone

Who's gonna be there after the last angel has flown

And I've lost my way back home

And oh no no no no

Nobody knows

No no no no no no

Tomorrow I'll be there my friend

I'll wake up and start all over again

When everybody else is gone

No no no

Nobody knows

Nobody knows the rhythem of my heart

The way I do when I'm lying in the dark

And the world is asleep

I think nobody knows

Nobody knows

Nobody knows but me

Me

I'm not dead, just floating ... I'm not scared, just changing ...

The house is all quiet :o) Ang was here to pick Ryan up at 12:30. We had a good morning, Ryan slept right thru until 8:30 this morning, which was great, because I slept the whole time too :o) He was great for the first couple of hours he was awake this morning, and then his teeth started playing up and he got soooo grumpy. He cried non-stop for an hour, and if I dared to put him down, he'd scream :o) Poor thing must have been so miserable. He ended up falling asleep in my arms at 11:00, so I put him to bed, and he slept for half and hour, and then woke up happy as a clam! (Apart from the very red cheeks, and the constant rubbing of his ears, which showed that his teeth were still bothering him).

Anyway, Chrissie showed up with Maccas at 11:45, and we had that (sharing it with the little man, of course!) then we went for a walk to the pet shop around the corner, and we got back to find Ang and Zoe (her niece) waiting for us :o)

I have to say, it was nice to see Ang, I worried about her all day yesterday, knowing that it would be a hard day for her. Her sisters funeral and being separated from her little man? That's tough. But she seemed to be holding up fairly well today, which is good. I guess the hardest part - making it through the week, then making it through the funeral, is now over. Now it's a matter of trying to deal with the aftermath, trying to get on with life, while dealing with Kylie's death and accepting the fact that she's really gone. I think I'll give Ang a few days to settle down, and I'll ring at the end of the week.

Chrissie and I spent the rest of the afternoon just chilling. She starts her new rotation this week - she goes from the surgical unit to the rehabilitation unit. So we went to the Rehab unit at Anne Caudal to get her roster, and she met some of the people she'll be working with. We then went back to Chrissie's where she cleaned the fish tank out, and I vegged on the couch, watching Season 1 of Las Vegas :o) About an hour after Chrissie had put the fishies back in the tank, she found 4 of them, on the bottom of the tank, not "sleeping" as I thought (:-P), but ... yes, you guessed it ... dead. *lol* She was spitting chips! "What the hell? Do they not like clean water? What is wrong with these stupid fish? That water is perfect!" *lol* ... Poor Chrissie.

Anyway, it's nearly 11 p.m. so I'm going to take off and head to bed. Have a great night! :o)

"Sometimes the wreck is part of the ride ..."

Super Babysitter ... Ok, I'm ... Competent.

Long day ...
Ryan is finally down. Yes, it's Friday, so I'm babysitting. Ang dropped him off a little after 8 this morning, so she could go home, get organised for the funeral, and be at the funeral home by 9:30.
I'm not sure whether it was because he knew Ang was upset/stressed when she left, or just because he wasn't with mum, or because he was teething, but Ryan was *really* unsettled this morning. For the first two hours, he cried pretty much non-stop, and just could not be placated. I finally managed to get him to sleep, but he slept for only 30 minutes. It didn't matter though - that did the trick! He woke up much happier, still with rosy red cheeks (teething) so I gave him some Bonjela and he was set for the afternoon!
Christine came around this arvo - thanks to getting only 2 hours sleep last night (finally nodded off sometime after 5 and had my alarm set for 7) I ended up falling asleep on the couch. Christine woke me to tell me that she was going to take Ryan to the Marketplace for a while, and I went back to sleep for another few minutes. Although I only got maybe an hours sleep, I felt heaps better when I got up :o)
Anyway, we had a good afternoon when Chrissie and Ryan got back - Chrissie had got some mini doughnuts for Ryan, and he absolutely demolished one with blue sprinkles - he ended up with blue all over his face, hands, ears and in his hair. He looked like a little smurf! :o) Then (still covered in blue sticky sprinkles) he fell asleep on the lounge room floor! *lol* It was so funny. We were going to put him in his porta-cot, but we were worried about waking him when we moved him ... And he looked so damn cute, all curled up on the floor! So instead, we took some photos, put a blanket on him and let him sleep :o)
He slept for another half-hour, and woke up happy once again :o) Didn't want dinner (tinned Oops Spaghetti, left by Ang). Chrissie left at 7, so I cooked my dinner, which of course, the little dude wanted to share :o) So he had half a chicken schnitzel, 3 cheese sticks and half an apple. Soon after dinner Ryan started to get tired and cranky again. So I gave him some Baby Panadol, put some Bonjela on his teeth, and started trying to get him to sleep.
I was still trying at 9:30. *lol* The poor thing was sooooo tired, and was crying constantly, but he just didn't want to go to sleep! Finally managed to get him to sleep while holding him, and got him into the porta-cot without waking him ... Only to have him wake up again at 10.
Yeah :o) Well, at least he got 30 minutes!
He went back to sleep about 10:45, and so far hasn't woken up again. I think the main problem is teething, and just being unsettled. It can't be much fun teething when mum's not there to make it better! Hopefully he's down for the night now :o) I'm just about ready to crash myself.


Kylie's funeral was today, of course. The entire family, especially Kylie's 3 girls, were in my thoughts all day. It would have been a long, emotional, and difficult day.
Rest In Peace, Kylie.

Countdown!

Like my new countdown clock? I've added it as a page element, but I can only put it at the bottom of the page with this layout, which sucks, but ah well.
Only 185 days until I'm an Aunty again! Yay!
I did indeed end up at the doctors today - Throat infection and Sinusitis/Sinus infection ... The daily double! Spent $50 at the chemist, getting antibiotics and neurofen plus (for the face pain/headache) and I was good to go. I got home and slept for 4 hours straight this afternoon, and woke up feeling a little better, actually. I didn't sleep well last night, so that probably didn't help.

I'm now making a new "ticker" (Countdown thingy). Check it out ...

Eh ...

So today, I'm still feeling pretty average. I think a trip to the doctors is definitely on the cards for tomorrow. Sore achy throat/aching face/one hell of a headache/slight fever. Hopefully I can get an appointment.
Today I've not done much ... Mainly just bummed around, doing some cleaning. Did 2 loads of washing, and am drying it in front of the heater, since it is *freezing* outside, and we had some rain today as well.
********** STATE OF ORIGIN, GAME ONE IS ON TONIGHT ********** Yay! *lol* NSW v. QLD - State vs. State, Mate vs. Mate. Should be a good game. My tip ... NSW by 8 points. Hopefully I can stay awake long enough to see the game...! I think it goes live into Vic on Channel 9, so we won't have to wait until 10 or 11 p.m. to see the game.
Well, this may possibly be the most boring entry I've ever done, but I give up. I think I'll go back to the couch and have a bit of a nap.

Matty.

Matty's mum, Sandra, wrote today that she fears everyone moving on, and forgetting her gorgeous little man. Numerous comments were left, including the following:

1, 392, 914 people have visited Matty's website. All of us *Believed*. All of us were touched in some way by this gorgeous boy who taught us so much. Many of us never get to meet Matty while he was here on Earth. All of us cried when Matty went to Heaven. None of us will ever forget Matty.


Please please know that Matty will never ever be forgotten! He mattered so very much to all of us who still come to visit him and you here. We can't stop all your pain of missing him, but we can reassure that we think of him and will always think of how bravely he fought until the very end. He has touched our lives and hearts for eternity.


I still think about Matty and your family every day. We won't ever forget.


I look at the number of visits you have had to Matty's site and the number of people who sign your guestbook every day. I'm sure a good number of the people, like myself, never knew Matty, but were touched by him. Matty will never be forgotten. My heart aches with you. I can hear the anguish in your journal entries. You are an incredible Mom!


This is one amazing kid, who will *never* be forgotten. The legacy he left behind is just incredible. The number of lives he has touched with his strength, courage and dignity should not be under-estimated.

Rock on in Heaven, Matty!

Insomnia.

So tonight, I can't sleep.
I'm not sure why. I'm exhausted, and my head is pounding ... But sleep is eluding me.
Spent most of the day with Ang today, going to Sharon's this afternoon with her for a few hours. It's so hard to know what to say in that kind of situation. You feel useless, because nothing you can say can take the pain away, you can't fix it. Death is a part of life, unfortunately. It's not fair, but then ... Life is rarely fair.
So on Friday, I won't be going to the funeral, I'll be on babysitting duties. I'll be looking after Ang's little man, Ryan, who's a bit over 10 months old. Ang and Vince are thinking about staying overnight in Maryborough (where the burial will be held) so they don't have to hurry back.
Random thoughts keep swirling around in my head ... Think I may have to go to the doctors this week, I have a feeling I've got a sinus infection, which is making me tired, and my throat is killing me. Having a lot of trouble swallowing, and my entire face is aching ... Grr. Apparently sinusitis (?spelling?) often happens as a result of hayfever, which I've had for the Last. Five. Freaking. Months.
Someone (Well, someoneS, namely Ang and Christine) pointed out today that it's only 13 days to my birthday. Actually, it's only 12 now. They seemed to find it hilarious to call me *OLD*. Ahh well ... It got a smile out of Ang! I'm only turning 24 though, damnit! That's still spring chicken young! I already know what I'm getting from mum and dad - a new dinner set, and a jug/glasses set that I picked out. I've asked for gift vouchers from Amanda and Lorri for Big W, as I want to buy a queen size electric blanket for my bed. I just realised my bed will be 2 years old in a couple of weeks! I brought it not long after I started work at Safeway. Paid $650 for the frame & mattress, and worked my arse off to get it!
Nearly 4 a.m. Starting to get eyes-closing tired. Might take off and try the sleep thing again ...

Give me a sec ... Just gotta get up on my soapbox ...! :o)

On the 10:30 news this morning - Disturbing report shows that thousands of children are subject to drug and alcohol abuse in their home ... Well, d-u-h. I'm sorry, but who didn't know that this was going on? It sucks, and it's not right, or fair, but it happens. No child should have to live in an environment where drugs are, or where alcohol abuse is, but it happens in this day and age. Instead of talking about it, or doing "studies", why the hell doesn't someone do something about it?
Hmm ... Didn't intend to start this with a rant :o)
Not much going on here at the moment. The birdies are all over the bottom of the cage, eating whatever they can find. Never mind that they have 3 containers of fresh seed ... Nah, they wanna eat the crap on the bottom of the cage that they've ... well, crapped on. (Lovely, huh?!) What a bunch of little weirdos :o)
The f***wits (For those who don't know ... I call my brother the f***wit ... explained in an entry last week) girlfriend wants to come and stay at the end of next week ... Yay! Hopefully mum can come down for a day as well. I think it would be good for mum to see Lorri without the f***wit around. And of course, I'll get to see my gorgeous little man, Jordyn! He's 2 and a half, and Lorri said he's started to pick up heaps of new words, and get into lots of stuff .... Mostly stuff that he shouldn't be getting into, but that's the fun of being a kid! :-P The little man loves my birds, and can sit there for ages, trying to get them to "talk" or "come out"!
Anyway, I probably should get organised for the day. Have to go into the library, and do some job applications. Then I think I'll just bum around for a while :o)
Have a great day, guys! :o)

P.S. The slideshow from last night - yesterday afternoon Christine came around after work ... She was bored ... So she started drawing on my leg with a permanent texta ... Yeah, all the drawings are still there today :o)

What my legs look like tonight ...

CB Kids Update! :o)

**Caringbridge Update**

Brave little Penelope lost her battle this morning - I'm sure her family would appreciate a note if you have the time - www.caringbridge.org/ny/penelope

Skylar Jade is a gorgeous little girl, who is fighting an inoperable, rare brain tumour. She's a beautiful little girl, drop by and catch up on Skylar Jade's story if you have time - www.caringbridge.org/visit/skylarjademaxson

Abel has just had major surgery - here's hoping he can improve quickly, and fight off any infections or complications! www.caringbridge.org/visit/abeltyson

Drop by and say hi to Krystie who's on her 8th day of chemo before a transplant! Let's hope it goes well :o) www.caringbridge.org/visit/krystie

As always, there is a list of links on the right hand side that you can feel free to visit :o) Hunter is still in hospital, getting her last in-patient chemo. Rachel and Anna-Jane are both doing a little better. Angel Jake's family have started a foundation, to help out kids diagnosed with cancer - how cool is that?! What an awesome family! Brandon has been moved from the pediatric ICU to a normal room after his liver transport! Awesome! Grace is currently doing ok, woo-hoo! :o) If you have time, drop by and say hi to Lillie, who's feeling a bit cranky due to the chemo and pain meds she's currently on. And finally, to finish off, Summer, who's fighting Leukemia, just celebrated her 4th Birthday! Rock on, Summer!

R.I.P. Kylie.

So tonight, I received the news that Heaven has a new angel - Kylie. Kylie had been ill for some time, but that doesn't make her passing any easier for her family and friends.

R.I.P. Kylie. You will be missed. I will never forget you as the "cool older sister" with a wicked sense of humour.

search no more your wandering star

you've found a place, a hand to hold, in gods loving care

and those of us you've left behind

we'll search our memories and then we'll find

a smile within our tears

Rain rocks!

Today has been one lazy-ass day :o)
I spent this morning on the couch, listening to the beautiful sound of *RAIN* on the roof :o) God, how wonderful! I went to Coles this arvo to get the newspaper, but then it was straight back to the couch, to do some more chillin :o) Unfortunately, we didnt get any rain this afternoon :o( Ahh well. What we had this morning was better than nothing!
They had farmers from the Mallee (near where I'm originally from) on the news before, saying that most of them have been working through the night for the last three days to trying to get winter crops planted now that they've had some rain and the ground is softer. It was amazing to see the hope on their faces, because it seems like for the last year or so, whenever you would see farmers on the news talking about the drought, they were discouraged and depressed. It was such an awesome change! It did make me think of all the farmers who found it all too much though. I remember last year on the news, they said that hundreds of farmers around the country had committed suicide because the drought was killing their livelihood, and they couldn't cope any longer. God, how desperate must have they been? Thousands of others just sold their farms, at massive losses, even if their families have been on the land for decades.
I don't know where I was going with that ... Oops :o) Just went off on a tangent, I guess!
Anyway. Getting sick of this unemployed thing - its getting very boring! Got the Bendigo Addy today, which has a big employment section, so hopefully there's heaps in there that I can apply for. :o)
Anywayzie, not much other news from here. Somehow, while I was sleeping last night, I managed to pull a muscle on the left side of my butt ... No, I don't have a damn clue how I did it. It's like at the back of my thigh/bottom of my bum. Kicking someone in my dream, maybe? All I know is, I got out of bed and could barely walk. Now, since my right hand side is already limpy because of my little fall in the shower the other morning ... Walking is now a *fun* experience and I look like the world's biggest idiot! Oh my god, I really am getting old ...!
Ok, have a great night guys!

Random topics today!

Today: Random thoughts and topics. :o)

Several people have emailed me privately to ask if they can *borrow* something from this site. Don't bother emailing, take what you like :o) Some of it's not mine, so I can't stop you anyway *lol* :o) Go wild!

Matty's mum is having a tough time the last few days, coming to terms with the loss of her gorgeous little man. If you have time, drop by the site and leave a note of support for Sandra and the entire Dubuc family. Doesn't have to be deep or meaningful, I'm sure they'd appreciate anything, even just a quick "Hi guys, thinking of you". Also on the CB kids, Hunter is in-patient at the moment, for her LAST in-patient chemo EVER! Go Hunter! :o) Rachel is having a bit of a crappy time at the moment. Brandon has hepatoblastoma, and has just received his new liver! Rock on, Brandon! He's currently doing excellently, and pleasing the doctors! :o) Anna-Jane is doing slightly better after yet another surgery last week. Keep on improving, Anna! :o)

So, today my bruises have darkened, and are now a really deep purple colour ... They actually look kinda cool :o) Still hurt like a brotherpucker though! :o)

Rain, glorious rain! Bendigo has had nearly 60mm in the last 24 hours (just over two inches). Freakin' awesome! :o) Not enough to break the drought, not even close apparently, but every bit helps. Hopefully we get some more good falls in the next few weeks to help out the farmers who really need it. Time to do a rain dance, people ...!

I was reading Liz's comment earlier, and it got me thinking.
Most of the time, my mum is awesome. She will occasionally drive me nuts (like over this whole f***wit thing, or when she nags about my weight, or the state of my house ... etc) but most of the time she and I get along well.
When I lost my job, my mum was the one I went to. My mum was there for me, telling me that whatever I wanted to do, she would support me.
I guess that's why I went to her - because I always knew she would be there.
When my mum found out she was pregnant at 18, her parents disowned her. Her mother told her she never wanted to see mum again because she was a pathetic disgrace. I remember mum telling me that a few years ago, and she said it was right then that she decided that she would never do the same thing to her kids.
My sister left home when she was 16. She was a stubborn, rebellious kid. Who went around to her and tried to talk sense into her? Who gave her money? Who gave her food? My mum did. Who let her move back home when she was 17, after she'd realised that the real world was tough? Mum did. She didn't yell, or tell Amanda to get lost.
And when Amanda left again, mum still kept track of her. Was there when she was needed. Who went to Melbourne after Amanda had her first child and was the typical nervous, confused, tired new parent? Mum did. She didn't interfere, she was just there when she was needed. Amanda would ring mum in the middle of the night, and mum would listen, and offer advice if it was needed.
And when the f***wit got into trouble, mum was there. And I know she won't give up on him, and I know she will do whatever she can to try to help ... And I respect that, I really do. I know, without a doubt, that mum would never desert any of us kids. And I think that's amazing.
I just wish she could realize that I don't feel the same way that she does about the f***wit. I think he should have to prove himself, show that he has changed. I don't think he deserves someone as awesome as mum, working her arse off, trying to help him, doing anything she can for him, while he still lies, and manipulates, and generally acts like an arsehole. He doesn't deserve mum.
I guess the point is, I respect her position, I wish she'd respect mine.

Anyway, to finish off ... Mum was here today, and we went bowling. I haven't gone ten-pin bowling in about 6 years! We had heaps of fun, though, and I got a *Turkey*! Which is apparently what three strikes in a row is called! Mum won the first game, 102 - 91, and thanks to my three strikes, I won the second, 123 - 92. So it evened out :o) Was heaps of fun, and stacks of laughs! :o)

Mil Millington.

Mil Millington - author of 'Things my girlfriend and I have argued about' (funniest book I've read in a long time) has a website by the same name - www.thingsmygirlfriendandihavearguedabout.com Also pretty damn funny!

Just randomly - I'm watching some Brad Pitt/Julia Roberts movie - something about a Mexican - is this the stupidest movie ever? It doesn't seem to be going anywhere, and Julia Roberts (who I usually like) doesn't seem to be interested at all ... ??? What the ??!! I would flick it over to the footy, but Richmond is playing the Crows, and I'm not a fan of either team.

*ouch* ...

p - a - i - n - ...

Tonight, I'm feeling about 70 years old.
This morning, I "took a fall" and slipped in the shower. Yep. Went down like a tonne of bricks. *lol* and although it was hilarious (and even now I can't think of it without laughing!) it was actually incredibly painful. I managed to totally lose my balance, and slam the right side of my face into the side of the bath on the way down, as well as hitting my collarbone then shoulder, and then (don't ask me how) I belted my thigh into the side of the bath (suprisingly, that was the most painful part of the whole thing - even more painful than hitting my face).
Now my right side is covered in bruises, as well as a massive headache and an aching collarbone.
p - a - i - n - ...

Dude, I am the world's biggest dumbass :o)

Life keeps on dropping bombs and I keep score

I don't know. Slightly upset ...
Lorri rang tonight. Wanted to know if she can come stay at the end of May, going home after my birthday. Of course I said that's fine. I've always said she's welcome here, even if she wasn't the mother of my nephew, she would still be a part of our family, even though her and the f***wit are no longer together.
(By the way, from now on, I will no longer be mentioning my brother by his name. Henceforth, he will be known as the f***wit. Just so there's no confusion.)
Anyway, Lorri was upset, because the f***wit had told her she wasn't welcome at my house, and she wasn't *allowed* to visit me.
Yeah. Not *allowed* to visit me.
God, I don't even know. What the ...???
So, while I was on the phone to Lorri, just as we said goodbye actually, the call waiting beeped. So I hung up and dialed *10# and my sister's number came up. So I rang, and the f***wit answered, so I asked what he wanted. He wanted to know if I'd been talking to Lorri. I said yes, then told him he had no right to tell her that she wasn't welcome at my house.
Then I hung up. No goodbye. Just the spurt of anger, then ... just ... I don't know.
So now, I'm just ... really down.
I don't know how things got so stuffed up, I really don't.
And it really gets to me that my mother keeps saying "you need to get over it. Just forget it. Don't worry about it."
Well, excuse me, but fuck that for a joke.
My whole life, I have just cruised along. Taking whatever got dished out, never causing any problems, not making waves, watching as Amanda and the f***wit caused dramas and problems.
And I've had enough.
What he (the f***wit) did was unforgivable. He abused a child. He hit a child. His OWN child. His SON. He was an abusive bastard. And instead of taking responsibility for his actions, instead of trying to change, he's still manipulating, lying, causing trouble, drinking, and being a bastard.
I'm not "letting it go". I'm not going to "get over that". Because to me, the most important thing, the most important person in this whole mess, is Jordyn. I want the BEST for that kid. I love him so much, and HE is my number ONE priority. And I won't have anything to do with the f***wit until he is a DECENT, caring, normal father to that gorgeous little man. I will not speak to him until he has changed, until he has shown that he DESERVES to be a part of Jordyn's life. He DESERVES a father who won't hit him, who won't abuse him, who won't swear at him. He DESERVES to be a kid.
And if it doesn't happen? If the f***wit doesn't change? Then I will ring Human Services. I will ring the police. I will do whatever I can to keep him away from my gorgeous little nephew. I will do what I have to.
Pretty simple, really.
And in the meantime? I won't back down. I will talk to my mother. I will talk to my father. I will talk to my sister. But I will NOT talk to the f***wit. And I will not "let it go".

Fave quote from *The Shield*

Operator: Hello, you've reached the Police Department's main switchboard. Please listen carefully to the following options. To be connected to a supervisor, because one of our jackass thugs mistreated you, and you want his goddamn badge, press one.

Ronnie: Cop I know sent it to me.

Operator: If you committed a crime you think you can bullshit your way out of, press two. (Cops laugh)

Ronnie: It's great, isn't it?

Vic: If you shut up and let us listen.

Operator: If you're shirtless and threatening your girlfriend with a knife, and don't want one of our officers interfering with you your "love," press three.

Danny: Priceless.

Operator: To report an act of inter-racial profiling, put down your crack pipe and press four. (Big group laugh)

Operator: If you can't locate one of your seven unsupervised, fatherless children, press five.



yada, yada, yada .... grr @ blogger! second time writting this post.

re: my *little rant* yesterday .... *blushes* was slightly ... frustrated :o) an hour and 15 minutes at harvey norman today, and i was good to go. they took the computer apart to find that when the repair centre had put in the new fan, they'd disconnected half the keyboard and not re-connected it. the marks on the screen were mainly "scruff" marks, most came off. some are still there, and that's the actual crystals in the lcd screen that have been damaged, but since they're fairly small marks, and can't really be seen, i'm just letting that go. i'm in a much better mood now ... :o) *blushes* if you haven't read it ... don't bother! :-P *lol* it's just a whole lotta swearing, and grumpin'.

F***ING harvey norman ... coarse language ahead! be warned.

so today, i got my computer back, after harvey norman fucked me around like you wouldnt believe.
and guess what?
tomorrow my computer will go back to goddamn h.n. because half they keys on my keyboard are NOT WORKING! im typing this with the stupid on screen keyboard. AND THE KEYBOARD WAS FINE BEFORE IT WAS SENT FOR REPAIRS!
and it's also come back with MARKS ON THE SCREEN!
un-fucking-believable!
so now im going to lose my computer for ANOTHER 4 WEEKS! while THEIR fuckups get fixed!
un-fucking-believble!
and this is taking way too long so i give up.
GRR!!

I'm lost without my lil Toshiba friend!

Everything ... all the new post/settings/options ... are in chinese, or something. And I can't, for the life of me, figure out how the hell to change it ... Oh well.
Still no computer at home. Bugger! Don't know when it will be back. I have some friggin brats sitting next to me at the library ... Grr. Go to school, morons, you could obviously use the education ... Damn, I'm nice :o)
Not much happening here ... Had an interview for a job yesterday ... Part time, at a cafe. I've basically been reading all day, every day :o) and cleaning the house. I've missed being able to check on my CaringBridge Kids! So I don't have any idea how any of them are doing :-( Will be doing that before I leave today.
Anyway. Spent Saturday with Chrissie, we went shopping (ok, she shopped and I just looked coz I'm still totally broke ...) and then we went to see "Because I said so", which was actually really good. Dianne Keaton, Mandy Moore, and Loreali from the Gilmore Girls, as well as the dad from 7th Heaven. Lotsa laughs, which was good :o)
Sunday, Jason came down so Chrissie and he came around for dinner on sunday night ... and they brought dinner! :o) *lol* They went to the best takeaway place in Bendigo and got me a burger with the lot.
Monday I slept in (been happening a lot lately) and then just bummed around all day. Jason went home yesterday morning and I thought Chrissie was coming around for dinner, but she didn't make it. Oh well.
Anyway. I better get going. Haven't got much time left here, and I still want to check on all *my* CB kids :o)