I've done so much writing over the last few days. Writing when I'm at work, meant to be working. How can I work? I can't focus on anything at the moment. Writing is the only thing that lets some of my feelings out.

 

Today has been a better day. So far. It's only 10:15 though, so I guess I shouldn't get my hopes up too high yet.

But the day didn't start in tears, so that's something.

 

I told my mum last night.

 

Her response? "I hope you learn from your mistakes. He obviously didn't think very much of you."

 

Way to make me feel like this is my fault, mum.

Way to make me feel like I deserved this, like I should have seen this coming.

 

This was not my fault.

I did not do anything to deserve this.

I could not have seen this coming,

I had no idea what sort of person he was.

I could not have predicted what was going to happen.

It was not my fault that I did not see what he was really like.

 

THIS WAS NOT MY FAULT.

THIS WAS NOT MY FUCKING FAULT.

 

 

I am not strong enough to go to the Police.

I am not strong enough to open my mouth and talk about it.

I am not strong enough to accept what happened to me the other night.

I am not strong enough to face this yet.

I am not strong enough to re-live it every minute of every day, but I do not know how to stop.

 

What does it say about you? That you have to rape to get yourself off?

What does it say about you? That you listened to me begging and pleading and screaming for you to stop, and you just kept going?

What does it say about you? That you mocked me afterwards, after you'd dragged me to the shower.

What does it say about you?

 

This was not my fault.

I did not do anything to cause this.

I did not do anything to desere this.

This was not my fault.