Grief. Sucks.

So, today was a better day. Sort of.

Someone at work today asked me if I was having a better day than yesterday. If I was in a "better mood".

I'm not normally a snappy sort of person, but I felt like snapping at them. What do you people want from me??

It's been one week and one day since I lost my favourite aunt.

Aren't I allowed to have a bad day?

Am I not allowed to be a little sad, a little quiet?

I think that because we all had time off for Christmas, everyone expects things to be back to normal. Because we all had a couple of days off, I'm meant to be back to normal?

Everyone at work keeps telling me what a great Christmas they had. How the kids had fun, or how it was great to spend the day with family, or how they ate too much and had an awesome time relaxing ... Unlike everyone else, my Christmas Day was very quiet. Mine involved tears, so many tears. It involved waiting for the phone call that never came - the phone call from Aunty E that we got every single year ... And more tears when I realised that that call really wasn't coming this year.

Grief sucks. And it's hard.

Bad day.

Today.

Today was a bad day.

This morning, my housemate, who was unusually quiet last night and this morning, finally told me why she was so quiet.

She is a nurse, and Christmas night she worked night shift. She went to help a young girl, who had cancer.

Something went wrong, something went so wrong and the girl died. My housemate and the other nurses and doctors on duty that night fought desperately to save her, but nothing could be done.

It was no ones fault, but cancer had done so much damage to her body that she couldn't be saved.

She was 23.

23.

Fucking cancer.

I hate fucking cancer.

Today is a bad day.

Ups. And downs.

It's true what they say, you know. The grief, it comes in waves.

You think you're doing okay, then something comes up behind you, knocks you off your feet and takes your breath away.

Nighttimes are the worst. In bed, in the dark ... It's just me and my thoughts. The reality hits me every night ... That she's gone.

That the girls have lost their mother.

That I'm never going to hear her voice again.

That we'll never see her beautiful, big smile again.

That all we have now are memories and photos.

...

The grief, it comes in waves.

Tonight, I've been knocked off my feet again.

I miss you, Aunty E. So much.

Today was Aunty E's funeral.

It was heartbreaking ... And beautiful.

It was so very sad .... And amazing.

I think today was the day that it finally hit me. Aunty E, who was always, always smiling, is gone. Aunty E, who was always laughing at something. Aunty E, who was always chatting away about Collingwood and "her" Pies, is gone. Aunty E, my gorgeous, beautiful, wonderful, smiling, happy, Aunty E ... is gone.

Gone. Forever.

At the end of the service, we released black and white balloons for the worlds biggest Collingwood fan. She would have loved it. It made me smile, because it was just so her.

Tonight, the tears are still coming.

Aunty E ... I will love you and miss you, always. You were such an amazing person, and I was blessed to be able to call you my aunty for 27 years. You showed me how to laugh, and how to really live life. You always had a smile on your face and a hug for anyone. Thank you for being you.

You're dancing with the angels now ...

Aunty E passed away at 6 a.m. this morning.

No more pain. No more cancer.

I love you. I miss you.

Wandering Star

Please could you stay awhile to share my grief

For it's such a lovely day

To have to feel this way

Tonight, I can't sleep.

Today, I had a sad day. I spent the day hiding in my room.

Part of me is scared to close my eyes, because I know what's coming. I know it's irrational, but I feel like staying awake will keep away the inevitable. That's stupid, right? I know. There's no way to stop what's going to happen. There's no way to change what will happen - soon.

I've had a few days off work. Tomorrow, I go back. Sundays aren't usually too bad. But I'm dreading it because it's getting harder and harder to put a smile on my face and pretend that everything's okay.

I don't really know what the point of this entry was. Just getting some stuff off my chest, I guess. Maybe I'll try to get some sleep now.

Time is short.

Soon we will say goodbye.

I am sad.

New template ... Don't know if it will last ... Don't know if I like it.

I feel ... Like I'm constantly on edge. The phone rang at 10 o'clock last night, and I freaked out. Who was ringing? What did they want? Was it ... Is Aunty E ... Turns out it was just a friend, wanting to ask a question.

But every time the phone rings, it's the first place my mind goes ...

I'm all out of sorts at the moment. I think I need a hug. Merry friggin Christmas indeed.

Rest in peace, Mikayla.

How much worse is it going to get?

How much longer do you have to suffer for?

I know you're not really there anymore, but knowing that you're still in pain, that there's only so much we can do ... It's cruel. And unfair.

The waiting is the worst ...

12 Strays of Christmas

On their website, the Herald Sun is currently doing "The 12 Strays of Christmas" - a feature showing 12 dogs who need new homes.

If you live in Melbourne/Victoria and are looking for a new dog, why not consider a pound puppy? Most dogs dumped at the pound aren't dumped because there is something wrong with them ... It's usually their owner who is at fault.

Please, please check out the 12 Strays of Christmas or your local pound if you're considering a puppy/dog as a Christmas present to yourself or someone else. And remember, a pet is for life. It's a big responsibility, but man, you get so much love back!

Ahh, Christmas.

Ahh, Christmas. The most wonderful time of the year.

I'm a big fan of Christmas. It makes people happy. For one day, families don't fight. Everyone gets along.

This year I'm pretty much organised with my Christmas shopping. I've just wrapped my brothers present ... His girlfriends present ... A present for my little monkey (my nephew who's going to enter the world in March 2011) ... I've got on layby presents for both my nieces and my older nephew ... For my sister I've layby-ed a nice diamond ring which is half birthday present/half Chrissie present ... And today I went and put $200 on a touch screen computer which will be mum and dad's present. Dad is going to pay the rest, that's his present to mum. And that means I'm pretty much all done! All I have to do is get something for my housemate, and my Chrissie shopping will be done! Yay!

The not-smoking thing is going ok. Kind of. I'd still kneecap an old lady for one. But it's getting a little easier. I don't know whether the headaches that I've been getting this week are from nicotine withdrawl, but holy hell have I had some headaches. Hopefully this too will pass, and soon.

Anyway, my head really, really hurts so I think I'm actually going to have a really early night and go to bed. Party animal? Why yes, I am. Ha ha.

Would kneecap somebodies grandmother for a cigarette. Seriously.

Must. Not. Cave.

So damn sick of rain ...

Random Thoughts

Ohh ... Cramps :-( Bugger.

The dogs are exceptionally badly behaved tonight. Does that sentence even make sense? Probably not. Let me try again. The dogs are being feral little buggers tonight. Better? Yeah, I thought so too.

It's funny how your world can feel like it's falling apart, with bad, bad things happening, but you still put on a happy face and go out and pretend like all is right ...

Touch screen computers are cool. I went looking at them yesterday for my dad who wants to buy mum one for Christmas. Now I want one.

The weather is crappy. Hot and muggy. Why does everyone always talk about the weather?

That's all I've got tonight. I'm deliberately trying not to think ...

Ha!

Overheard at VicRoads

VicRoads employee: well, Darren, I'm sorry to tell you that you didn't quite make it today. You didn't pass.
Darren: why not?
VR E: well, you went straight through the stop sign. You didn't stop, and that's an automatic fail.
D: where was the stop sign?
VR E: just at the corner up here.
Darren shakes his head, confused.
VR E: (with a voice so high she could be Minnie Mouse) YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE THE STOP SIGN?

Personally, I for one am glad that Darren's not yet out on the road, unsupervised. That makes me feel much safer.

No words tonight.

Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry

Here's to goodbye

Tomorrow's gonna come too soon.

...

Not long now.

Title-less, again. Oh no, there's one.

Tonight ...

Exhausted. Went to water aerobics ...

Feeling guilty ... For wishing that things were different, for wishing it was over already, knowing that I'm wishing days away that I'll never get back ...

Ready for summer ...

When you die, only your friends and family will know.

They won't write it in the newspaper. You never did anything amazing or special.

When you die, the world will keep turning.

The sun will set, the moon will still light up at night.

When you die, there will be no more pain.

Those who love you won't have to watch any longer as life, love and laughter fade from your eyes, bit by bit

When you die, I will miss you more than words can say.

The truth is, I am already missing you. Because although your body is still here with us, although you continue to fight, you have already left us.

When you die, my heart will be broken.

When you die, how am I going to manage?


I love you, Aunty E. Please don't leave me. Please don't leave us.

Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know that they are happy.

-Eskimo Probverb

Race 7, Number 7 ...

Ahh, the weather. Whatchya gonna do with it?

A couple of days ago it was stinking hot ... And now, in the last 24 hours, we've had over 50mm (2 freaking inches!!) of rain ... And it's still going.

Went out tonight, it was awesome fun.

I know I have more to write, but I can't think of it for the life of me :-) So I think it might be time to have a shower and head to bed ... Oh, I have such a glamourous life ...

Smurf-tastic!

Brought Smurf pyjama pants today.

Awesome day.

Need I say more?

Snapshots from work today:

T: I think I'm running a fever.
M: yeah? Where are you running it to?
T: the nearest pub. See you suckers later.

Sometimes all I do at work is laugh all day. Today was one of those days.

I need good thoughts tonight, people. Please.

So, I had every intention of a nice long update tonight, to be written after a nice cool shower.

It's so hot here.

Anyway, it's not going to happen. Roxy the wonder puppy is not well, so we're off to the vets now. I need good thoughts that it's just something simple, please. My poor puppy is not herself, very unsteady on her feet and just generally feeling crappy. Please god, let it be something simple.

Edit: the vet thinks doggy gastro. Whatever it was, she is much better today. Yay!

I got nothin'.

But I didn't want to miss out on a day of Na-Blo-Po-Mo (I think I finally got the name right). Even though technically I missed a lot of days since I started late.

Going to take a tablet and get some sleeeeep. Maybe I'll have something to write about tomorrow.

Goodnight :-)

499

Got 5 hours sleep last night.

WOO-friggin-HOO.

Also, I'm planning my trip to QLD. Yay! Thinking of Feb next year.

That's about all I've got.

Very ordinary for my 499th post. I'll try harder tomorrow.

Glee is on. Gotta go.

What a feeling.

So, I caved.

Didn't go to work again today (got approximately two hours sleep again last night ... Ugh) and instead went to the Primary Care Clinic. Boy, was that fun. The doctor seemed to find it funny that I was pretty much zombie-like, and kept talking about the effects of steroids. Um, hello, I am well aware of the effects of steroids ... I am taking them.

He also gave me a look, and his eyebrows raised so high that they nearly shot off his head when he took my blood pressure. It's high, apparently. Ehh. I've got bigger problems to worry about, buddy.

But he did give me some sleeping tablets, so hopefully I can take them for the next week and a bit then go back to my regularly scheduled sleeping pattern (8 hours a night, thank you very much).

I also had the freakiest moment while driving home from the doctors, which showed me that maybe I shouldn't have been driving. I pulled in to get petrol, put the car in park, turned it off ... And looked up and thought that the car was moving. It freaked me the fuck out. It felt like the car was moving, even though I knew it wasn't. I could see it creeping forward though. It was bizzare. So instead of getting petrol, I turned the car back on and drove straight home. Dude.

Anyway, I must go do something. I'm not sure what, exactly, because as soon as a thought enters my head today, it immediately turns tail and leaves so I can't remember shit. Ahh, this is just So. Much. Fun.

Always learning ...

Things i'm learning about steroids:
- they cause insomnia. In a big way. You'd think at some point that I'm going to crash because I am so fricking tired, but nope, hasn't happened yet
- I want to eat everything in sight. Think I can tick the weight gain side effect too. I've had two big servings of Tuscan meatballs and popcorn as well as two bowls of fruit salad and about 4 rows of kit kat chocolate. I must STOP EATING.
- I'm also drinking like we're going to run out of water any second. Good god, I must stop drinking too.

Going to bed to stare at the ceiling for a few hours. Then I'll probably get up and eat again. Only a week and a half left ...

I'll deny this tomorrow ...

I don't say this often ... Hardly ever in fact, but tonight ... I don't want to be sleeping alone. I just want someone to hold me.

495.

This tablets are seriously the best/worst thing to happen.
Best, because they have really helped with the hayfever.
Worst, because again last night, I couldn't frickin sleep.

So, I called in sick to work today. I was friggin exhausted. Less than three hours sleep for the third night in a row has really caught up with me.

Might have to go to the doctor to see about some sleeping tablets. I've only got another week and a half left on these tablets, but dont know if I'll make it.

I did get a couple of hours sleep over lunch today. It helped, a bit. Now I'm back to headachey and tired. Maybe I'll crash tonight and sleeeeep all night. Wouldn't that be nice.

I don't really have much of interest to say. I was doing some reading before, but concentrating is hard, man. Really hard!

Maybe I'll go watch some Glee on itunes. Yeah, I think that's what I'll do.

I'm out!

People thought I went on vacation but I really spent the summer lost in the sewers.

Man, I love Glee. Some of the funniest, wittiest and most sarcastic lines I've heard in a long time.

JUST hayfever?

So, these tablets are really knocking me around a bit ... I only slept for a couple of hours again last night. I'd stop taking them, but apparently thats a terrible idea and you should always taper off these tablets ... And ... The suckers actually seem to be working! Unbelieveable! It's not getting rid of all my symptoms, but even after only three days there has been a big improvment. With all the time and money that I've spent on freaking hayfever, and a few days of tablets is helping! So I guess insomnia is a pretty minor side effect when I think about how crappy the hayfever has been making me feel.
By the way, if one more person says to me "JUST hayfever?" or "ONLY hayfever?" you'll see me on the news, being arrested for bitch slapping that person into next year. I get that hayfever doesn't really seem that bad ... Until you have it all year round, so badly that its hard to handle every day living. Its not fun going through an entire box of tissues every day. It sucks having a throat that feels like its red raw and on fire every single moment of the day. Its awful having itchy, red eyes that make it look like I've just spent three hours crying when really all I did was just walked outside. The fuzzy head, complete tiredness and exhaustation also gets old fast.
Anyway. I might go crash on the bed. I really really hope that I get some sleep tonight.

What I wouldn't give to see your face again ...

Tonight, the silence is killing me ...

Money, Money, Money.

So, I took my car home to dad today, so he could change the oil and filters. He took one look underneath and said "there's something really wrong here". Crap. He then took it to the mechanic who said that yes, there was indeed something wrong and it needed to be fixed before I drove it all the way back home. Unfortunately, the mechanic can't fix it until next week. Double crap. So I borrowed mums car, left my little Laser behind and motored on home.
Goodbye, approximately $500. UGH.
Not a great day!

Still awake.

Might have a kit kat.

Day ... Something or other. Yeah, that day.

Started new tablets for hayfever today. Predsomethingolone? I think one of the side effects might be insomnia. Just a hunch sine it's 1:30 am and I can't sleep. Usually I don't have any problems getting to sleep unless there's something freaking me out or worrying me. Wonder if Im just swapping one problem for another??
Man, I love textbooks. I'm right back into studying at the moment. I don't know why, but man I love me some textbooks.
I had something else I was going to write, but I'm buggered if I can remember what it was.
Ok, going back to bed .... Hopefully this time I won't stare at the ceiling for two and a half hours :-)
goodnight, Internet peeps!

That blogging thing ...

So, apparently there's some No-Mo-Blo-Po-Go-Hoho (??!) thing happening that everyone's all atwitter about. I think the gist is that you blog every day for November. Clearly, I've already failed since we're half way through the month and this is only my third entry. But I figure, what the hell, might give it a go for the rest of the month.

This entry won't be a long one though. I'm friggin buggered! I've started going to water aerobics at the gym, three times a week. On Monday and Wednesday nights, I do two classes back to back, and on Fridays I do a class in the morning and then do some laps. I haven't been in a couple of weeks, so tonight reallly took it out of me! But it is heaps of fun, and it doesn't matter that you look like some kind of lunatic while you jump around like a mexican jumping bean, because everyone else is too!

Another reason I'm buggered tonight is because I didn't want to go to sleep last night. I know it's totally irrational, but for some reason last night I was terrified that my aunty was going to die. When I finally did get to sleep, I woke up three times after having the most awful nightmares. All in all, a crappy night.

Anyway, I better go get myself some dinner and hit the hay. Adios, amigos! (Did I spell that right?!)

Blast from the past ...

Anyone remember this?!

I still miss that Mazda. Not just a car!

R.I.P. Gibbsy.

Loose change ...

So, there's a lot of stuff just rumbling around in my head at the moment, so I'm going to do a totally disjointed, all over the place post to get everything out and hopefully all will be right in the world once again ...

My aunty (the one with cancer) ... We found out a few days ago that the cancer has spread. It's now in her spine and her bones. The doctors have given her 8 weeks, if she's lucky. How is it fair that someone's life expectency can be measured in weeks? Weeks. It just seems so unreal to me. And how can it be Aunty E?? She's always been so full of life and laughter. It is just ... unbelievable. I won't be able to ring her when the Pies have a great win. I just ... I can't comprehend that she's really not going to win this. She can't beat this. How is that right??

So, work has been fun lately. *lol* ... Well, not really. I missed a meeting a few weeks ago because I had to take my puppy to the vet, and one of the guys got really pissed off and started treating me like I didn't even exist. Seriously, I was talking to him and he wasn't even acknowledging me. After a couple of weeks of this, I ended up going to the big boss, which was a huge step for me. I'm the most non-confrontational person on the planet, and I will avoid upsetting people at all costs, even if it means letting them walk all over me. But I'm glad I did it. It's shown me that I don't have to put up with being treated like crap. And it's made things a little awkward for a while, but i think things are finally settling down. I like being at work again. It's fun.

My dad had his 60th birthday last month. It was a big party, and although it was a disaster-a-day leading up to it (think I'm kiddiing? My uncle had a stroke. My brothers housemate died the day before the party. My sisters kid ended up in hospital. The day before we got a months rain in one day. Need I go on? Coz I've got more!), the actual party was awesome. I wrote a few months ago about my dad getting back into contact with his other two daughters after almost 30 years. I have two sisters that I'd never met. Well, now I only have one sister that I've never met. One managed to make it down (from QLD) for dad's party. It was amazing to meet her, and her two beautiful kids. She's such a great person. Since she's gone home, we've been keeping in contact by writing letters. She's eager for me to go up there for a holiday, which I can't wait to do! Especially since my other sister (the one that I still haven't met) also lives right near the sister that I have met. I'm so happy that it's all turned out so well.

Uni starts back in a couple of weeks. ARGH! *lol* I'm also doing some course thing through work, and that also starts in a couple of weeks. I don't know how I'm going to go trying to find the time to get everything done. Especially since I'm working more and more hours. Sometimes I feel like I'm never going to finish uni, like I'm never going to get to where I want to go. And what scares the crap out of me is the fact that maybe one day I'll get so used to the idea of not getting where I want to that I'll just settle. I don't want to settle, but I feel like it's taking so long that is it really all going to be worth it? ... Hmm. I don't know. Maybe I'm just looking for an easy way out. Maybe I'm just thinking too much :-)

I'm watching Offspring at the moment. This show really makes me laugh.

What else is on my mind ....

Well, there's not much else on my mind, to be honest. *lol*

Might be time to go do some brooking of myself, and then some sleeeeping :-)

Tonight, I am sad.
One of my aunties, a beautiful woman with two daughters and two very young grandchildren, is dying.
Today she was told she has inoperable lung cancer, which has spread through her body.
All she has is time. And not much of it.

Tonight, I am sad.

Memories. And a whole heap of other stuff.

NRL is actually on LIVE tonight. Live into Victoria. Go, channel 9. Too bad it's such a rare occurrence. Australia v. New Zealand. Good game so far.
Reminds me of a few years ago though, when I had taped a test match since it was on at some ridiculous time like 1a.m. This was back when old housematey and I were living together, and we only had the one t.v. She was not a NRL fan, but occassionally she would watch a NRL game that I had taped. She got used to seeing the players names on the back of their jerseys. In test matches though, usually the sponsors name is on the back.
So we're sitting there watching this game, and housematey notes that two of the Australian players have the name Phillips on the back.
"Oh, are they brothers?" she says to me. I start to say no, but she notices another few players with Phillips on the back of their jerseys. "What the hell? How many Phillips brothers are there? What is with the Australian team??!" and "Ok, you can't tell me they're all brothers! Who made a mistake with their jumpers??"
Meanwhile, I'm laughing so hard I can't talk, because she was really confused. Eventually I managed to tell her what was going on ...

* * * * *
Speaking of NRL, the whole Melbourne Storm, salary cap, cheating scandal issue ... Wow.

I am, as a Victorian, a Melbourne Storm supporter. Like most, I was shocked and stunned as it was all made public. I don't know whether other clubs are doing the same thing, and part of me is disappointed that the reputation of this terrific team has now been destroyed, to some extent. As a fan, I hurt for the players who worked their arses off to earn the 2007 and 2009 premierships, which have now been taken from them. Maybe that punishment was fair and just, I'm still not sure. I don't think taking away their ability to earn points for the rest of the 2010 season is fair or just though. I understand that some people think that because they're currently over the salary cap, they're fielding an illegal team, and yes, that is an excellent point. But honestly, I think the NRL and it's board should have given the Melbourne Storm a chance to get themselves under the salary cap, docked the points they had earnt up until the scandal broke, given them a 4 or 6 week penalty, then allowed them back into the 2010 competition once they were under the cap. Technically, by playing each week they are still in the competition, but there's nothing in it for them. By knocking them out for the whole season, NRL seems to be doing an enormous amount of damage to Rugby in Melbourne, a city where they are eager to make Rugby a bigger sport. Why would the fans go and support their team week in and week out when the team is going nowhere? I'm sure as the season wears on and the competition means less and less, and the games become more and more meaningless, the fans won't want to keep supporting their disgraced team.
I hope, really honestly hope, that the Storm fans, the real through-thick-and-thin fans keep supporting their team week in and week out. I hope they keep showing up for games, proving to the boys that to some of us, they are still our team, who we will support, regardless of what's happened. I hope ... But I don't hold out a lot of hope. I hope I'm proved wrong.

* * * * *

In even more NRL news, I'm actually going NRL game this year. With work, uni and being 2 and a half hours from Melbourne, it's hard to get to games. Last year, State of Origin 1 was on my birthday, which was like the best birthday present ever. This year, I am going to the Storm v. Cowboys game a couple of weeks after my birthday. Exams will be over, so I won't have study/uni to worry about. I'm taking the weekend off work. I wish I lived closer to Melbourne, or that I was able to get to more games. So far, my aim to get to at least one NRL game a year is going well though :-) *lol*

* * * * *

Personally, there's not much going on with me. Work is busy ... I've been at my job for almost 2 years now, which is cool. The time has flown. It's still a great play to work (most of the time, anyway!)
Uni is going ok. I'm still struggling a bit with the glandular fever, and I don't know whether to take a semester off or keep pushing on. Sometimes I think I can handle it pretty well, other times I feel like I'm just barely holding on.

* * * * *

I recently found out that my dad has children (two) from another marriage, long before he met my mum. So I have two siblings that I've never met. When on holidays the other week, my mum and dad dropped in to see them while they were in their area. They are so pleased to be back in contact with my dad (it's been approximately 30 years since my dad has seen them), and my dad is also over the moon. My dad is having a fairly significant birthday later this year, we're thinking of throwing a big party so that my brother, sister, and I (and the rest of dad's side of the family) can meet them. I can't wait! I think it will be awesome. Also to be noted, I have 5 more nieces and nephews! How cool is that?! And my dad has 5 more grandchildren! Unreal!

* * * * *

I go back to the allergy specialist in a week ... I'm not sure what will happen. The last round of incredibly expensive immunotherapy hasn't made a huge difference ...

* * * * *

Milly the budgie (as seen on this blog previously) recently broke her leg. We think that she was attacked by a mouse who managed to get into her cage. Unfortunately, splinting it didn't work (and yes, I will put up photos of Milly with the splint on because it was So. Damn. Cute!), and blood flow was restricted to the area, meaning the only possible option we were left with was amputation. Yes, Milly had her left leg removed. The vet believed that had we not done it, infection would surely have killed her. Luckily Milly came through the operation with (wait for it .... ) "flying" colours (get it? get it?? hahaha ... ) and is now adjusting very well to life with only one leg.

* * * * *

Ok. it's 10:05 and I'm exhausted (no nap today, and I have a massive headache (thank you, glandular fever. No, really.)), so I think I might have to go to bed. Probably sometime soon I'll pop back in. By the way, this blog went private a few weeks ago thanks to an internet troll. It may have to happen again, I'm not sure. If it does, and you want to be allowed to read it, leave me a comment and I'll be sure to add you. I can't promise that I'll always have a public blog, because what happened really freaked me out ,,,

Lest We Forget

They shall not grow old, as we that are left grow old

Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.

At the going down of the sun, and in the morning

We will remember them.

Today is April 25th - ANZAC Day. A day to say thanks to all those who have served, or currently are serving, our country. It's thanks to their sacrifices that we have the freedom we too often take for granted. Thoughts today are with all those service men and women who are on duty - whether they be here or overseas. Keep safe, and know that you are doing amazing work. Thank you.

Tonight, I feel incredibly sad. I don't know why.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm all out of sorts.

It's been building for a while.

I can't even remember how many times I had to blink back tears today. Because of stupid little things.

I'm so tired, all the time. I know that glandular fever can take months to go away, and I understand that. But I'm tired of it.

I'm tired of people expecting me to be "back to normal". I'm tired of people questioning me, doubting the glandular fever.

I'm tired of having to explain why when I can't do something because I'm tired.

I'm tired of people thinking that it's just a little bit tired. I'm tired of trying to explain that my bones hurt, that my head aches like nothing I've ever felt before, and that I'm exhausted. Honest-to-god, fully exhausted.

I'm so, so tired. I've had enough.

Snappz' Handy Tips, No. 1

Listen up, kids:

If you're going to drive like a moron/idiot/arsehole, almost collecting other cars when you don't give way, ensure that you do not have personalised number plates.

It's so much easier to remember RAT than it is GXR 473, especially when you've just avoided and accident and you might be a little shaken.

Just sayin'.

P.S. RAT driver: Thanks for making it incredibly easy to report you to the Police. That's great, and very appreciated!

Yep, I'm still alive.

Remember me?

The girl who used to post here? On a sometimes regular, sometimes not basis? Remember that girl?

Yeah. I'm still kickin.

Not many posts lately. Have been having computer problems.

Fixed all my problems by going out and buying me a new laptop yesterday - uhh, Thursday, actually. It's already Saturday. Shit.

Anyway, moving on ...

Got everything I want (and more!). Can't believe the amount I spent, but got it on interest-free finance, so as long as I have it paid off in 30 months I'll only pay what I spent, which is a pretty sweet deal.

Should be in bed right now, since I have to be up for work in five and a half hours, but I can't sleep for some reason ...

Glandular fever is still knocking me around a bit, but I'm having a few good days here and there, so that's a start.

Don't really have much other news. Tomorrow after work I'm spending time registering for my degree, and finding out what courses I have left still to do. I know I've failed a couple, so I'll have to repeat them. New semester starts at the end of Feb, so I need to get myself organised.

Housemateys sister is moving in with us next month ... That will be interesting. She's 19 ... Acts like she's 14 most of the time. She's starting TAFE down here, so hopefully she'll settle down and mature a little bit. A third person to share the bills = more money for me. Or, more money paid off my computer, actually.

Anyway, I really should go. Hopefully, I'll get a good sleep in before the alarm goes off. It's funny, GF means that I want to sleep all the time, but the last few nights, even though I'm exhausted/can hardly keep my eyes open, I've been really restless and unable to sleep. Wonder if that's normal? Wonder if that means (dare I say it ...) that I'm getting better?

Ok, I'm out.

P.S. Got some spare time? Go throw some love Katie's way. With another totally unfun medical adventure today, she could probably use some comment-support :-)

Who knew there was even such a day?

Feel free to leave a comment in ... celebration? ... of Delurker Day!