Was It Everything You Hoped It Would Be?: Monk Quotes.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Monk Quotes.

I love Adrian Monk. He is hilarious, and Monk is one of the best shows on television.

Here are some of my favourite Monk quotes ...

Natalie: You okay?
Monk: Girls' bathroom...
Natalie: What are you afraid of? (pokes Monk) Cooties?
Monk: Don't laugh. Jury's still out on cooties. If we could only get more federal funding...

Monk: How did he know about that alarm system? Julie, I was duped. It was all a con!
Julie: A leper-con.
Monk: What?
Julie: Was he magically delicious?

(Monk sees a frog)
Monk: Frog. Frog. Frog. Frog. Frog. Frog. Frog. Frog. Frog.
Natalie: Are you afraid of frogs?
Monk: I don't know; I've never been this close to one.
(a frog hops on Monk's shoe)
Monk: Yes, the answer is yes. Put frogs on the list. Where's the list?

Monk: Natalie, all your little rules, all your little laws... they don't apply down here, it's Nudey Town.

(Stottlemeyer examines the car damage)
Stottlemeyer: What the hell happened? It was only two miles.
Natalie: I took a short cut. I cut across the creek.
Stottlemeyer: There's no bridge across the creek.
Natalie: I know

Judge Taylor: Bail is set at $900,000.
(Monk whispers to his attorney)
Attorney: With the court's permission, could you make it an even million?
Stottlemeyer: Oh, my God!

Monk: (to attacking Nazis) All right, boys. Come on. You know violence--violence is not the answer. (sprays them with hot water)

Monk: (on the phone) Hello! Nazis here in the rec room. This is a Nazi alert!

Stottlemeyer: Nobody is trying to embarrass you, Commissioner, but I am going to rip that hairpiece off of your head. It is a critical piece of evidence.
Commissioner: You wouldn't dare.
Stottlemeyer: (to Monk) Are you sure?
Monk: One hundred percent.
(Stottlemeyer pulls the commissioner's hair.)
Ninety-three to ninety-four percent.
(Stottlemeyer tries again.)
Seventy-four percent..

Monk: Captain! Ladies and gentlemen, Leland Stottlemeyer, homicide! Show them your badge. Show it. Show it. Show it! I solved the case.

Monk: We're gonna need a big old paddy wagon. Do they still have paddy wagons?

Monk: (while covered in bees in a beekeeper suit, to a nearby policeman) Excuse me, is your gun loaded?
Policeman: Yeah.
Monk: Could you do me a favor? Just...kill me.
Sheriff: Why didn't you just stay in the car?
Monk: There's a bee in the car!

Monk: A pregnancy test.
Cora: Looks like she had a bun in the oven.
Monk: How do you know?
Cora: Those two little lines there. That means positive. See, you pee on this end.
Monk: (dropping the pregnancy test) Aaahhh! Wipe! Wipe! Wipe!

Monk: The truth is, I'm not so attracted to you.
Cora: Whatever.
Monk: The truth is, you sort of terrify me.
Cora: Hey! There's no such thing as a perfect marriage.

No comments:

You can't read this and stay in a bad mood !

You can't read this and stay in a bad mood!

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile !!

If I could paint

how I feel
I'd draw bullseye

on your forehead

my anger is not misdirected

unless it somehow misses you

Time spent on hate,

is time gone to waste,

I watch you þoint and

click your life away

So cast the stones that

I'll gladly catch

and I'll

throw them right

fucking back,

I stand behind

the things I say,

you type

the words

you won't say to my face

Time spent on hate, is time gone to waste,
I watch you þoint and click your life away

¡† seems you've let me go again,
just like the day you let me in,
the best of intentions
you were never mine to begin with

So step away from the fucking screen,
see a world outside your scene,
maybe then you will know
and realize the lack of threat you pose

Coldplay - Fix You

When you try your best,
but you don't succeed
When you get what you want,
but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone,
but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
High up above or down below
When you too in love to let it go
If you never try you'll never know
Just watch and learn
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Random!

"hear me you freaks! i wont be your clown!"
"im not there yet, but im closer than i was yesterday"
"unhappiness is not knowing what we want out of life and killing ourselves to get it"
get real stoned: drink wet cement
keep granny off the streets - support bingo
"is there an excuse for you?"
"it's better to burn out than fade away ..."
RALPH WIGGUM: "Me failing English, that's umpossible"
Homer: "I saw this movie about a bus that had to speed around the city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed dropped, the bus would explode. I think it was called "the bus that couldn't slow down"
Homer: You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college.
Homer: Extended warranty! How can I lose?
Homer: Oh my god! Space Aliens! Don’t eat me, I have a wife and kids! Eat them!
I'm going to bed now, and you cant stop me from thinking dirty stuff!
In your life, you seem to have it all, you seem to have control. But deep within your soul, you're losing it...
Your Village just called... their idiot is missing
If you have your doubts that someone has grasped the idea that you are angry with them, biting them usually makes it pretty clear
Your careless words un-do me, leave the thought of us behind...
If i should die, bury me upside down so the world can kiss my ass
Someone needs to invent a way to stab people in the face over the internet. It would stop people from being such asshats.
LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU!
An English High Court judge has ruled that rap lyrics should be treated as a "foreign language" after admitting that he was unsure of the meaning of "shizzle my nizzle" and "mish mish man"
Sex tip of the week: Sock Puppets make masturbation so much more exciting.
Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mum
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
You're talking to me all wrong, it's the wrong tone. Do it again, and I'll stab you in the face with a soldering iron.
I kicked over an anthill the other day. I could have SWORN I heard a hundred tiny voices say "human bastard!"
The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.
Only one bullet? Shoot the clown. At least mimes keeps their mouths shut.
Today is a fine day for reality......

How do you

How Do You

How do you hold out your hand
And reach for help
Without fear that it will crumble like sand
How do you hold out your heart
And let the sun shine down
And push away the dark
How do you see the light
See through the clouds
And gain back your sight
I never thought it could be so hard
To say "I need your help"
And not feel like a retard
How do you trust someone
When you've been hurt some many times before
When will the trial and error be done
When will the depression go away
When will the solitude take a break
So you can look to a brighter day
How can you reach out to the ones that care
And let them know how your feeling
Without letting your heart tear
How do you do you do it
How do you just let go
How do you get trust to fit like a broken in mitt
How do you hold out your heart
And let the sun shine down
Without fear of it being ripped apart
How do you stop analyzing it
So you can leave it in the back of your mind
And not have anymore fits
I just want to know how
So I can rest easy
And let darkness take a bow?

Mr Monk Quotes

Larry: "Hey, are you alright?" Monk: "I'm not much of a drinker"Larry: "How much have you had? (Monk holds up one finger) One bottle?" Monk: "One sip."
"Statistically, you're a little nuts. Why don't you double up onyour medication and get back to work?"
Disher: "Now I have to go back and arrest my girlfriend for conspiracy and attempted murder. She'll probably break up with me.'
First Disciple (as Silent Disciple swears in frustration at Monk): "Wei Ling, you have spoken! You must begin again." Silent Disciple: "Oh, forget it."
Applicant #2: "What would my hours be?" Monk "Nine a.m." Applicant #2: "Until?" Monk: "Until one." Applicant #2: One p.m.?" Monk: "Until one of us dies."
Monk: "So it's like a mystery. Ah. The Monk likes mysteries. I'ma detective." Burger Girl: "I think it's Russian dressing." Monk: "Oh, man. You just ruined it for me."
Monk: "You've been a bad boy, Lester. Me and my posse had better have a word with you."
Monk (on the phone with Sharona): "[Kevin's] in the kitchen right now, naming every egg salad sandwich he's ever had. (Pause) Eight. Including today. (Pause) It's not funny. Stop laughing. (Pause) When you come back, bring a gun"
Stottlemeyer: Sharona quit? You mean Monk's alone, out there in public?
Monk: There's a lot of, you know, gravity out there. Falling isbad. You know that, right?
Stottlemeyer: Grayson is the guy. If I had a farm, I'd bet it. Stottlemeyer (after Grayson is found dead): That's it for Grayson. He's no longer a suspect.
Monk: This is the cleanest crime scene in the history of crime!
Monk: Mr. Fenimore, I'm sixty-five to seventy percent sure thatyou murdered your wife.
Monk (as students leave the classroom): For tomorrow, read chapters one and--one--read whatever the hell you want.
Monk: I've heard about fun. I've never been this close to it.
Larry Zwibell (to Monk): I'm bilingual. My mother was Venezuelan. That means I can make an ass of myself in two languages.
Disher: Captain, you have got to see this. Monk's in there doingone of his summation things. He's wasted.
Monk: I'm sure he's dead, too. And he'll stay dead, don't worryabout that. This is an excellent cemetery, they know what they're doing. Everybody here--probably dead. Nice talking to you.
Natalie: He's not a real cop. He's a stripper. Monk: I don' t think so. Natalie: Didn't you see his badge? It says "Officer Feelgood." Stottlemeyer: Monk, the guy's got dollar bills sticking out of his belt. Monk: I thought he'd lost his wallet.
Natalie: He [Julian] did it. Adrian: Natalie, he's not a suspect. Natalie: Damn!
Roger: What part of "Don't ponce my ride" don't you understand?Monk: Ah, " ponce." (Pause.) Most of . . . all of it, really.
Monk: The truth is, I'm not so attracted to you. Cora: Whatever.Monk: The truth is, you terrify me.
Stottlemeyer: Look, Karen. I know that I've got a temper, but I've been working on it. I've got a yo-yo. Actually, I,uh, the yo-yo broke when I threw it at the guy.
Stottlemeyer: You were sedated? Randy, one time I was under anesthesia. I thought my mustache was a chipmunk.

* Read each one carefully and think about it for a minute *

13. Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.
12. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.
11. There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.
10. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.
9. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.
8. Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.
7. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
6. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.
5. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.
4. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.
3. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.
1. I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you

Some people are like Slinkies.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Good Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.