Everybody is always so fucking "fine", but we are not. Sometimes we are hurt and bruised and completely shattered and this, Sir, is not what we call fine.

So far away (Avenged Sevenfold)

Never feared for anything
Never shamed but never free
A light that healed the broken heart
With all that it could

Lived a life so endlessly
Saw beyond what others see
I tried to heal your broken heart
With all that I could
Will you stay?
Will you stay away forever?

How do I live without the ones I love?
Time still turns the pages of the book it's burned
Place and time always on my mind
I have so much to say but you're so far away

Plans of what our futures hold
Foolish lies of growing old
It seems we're so invincible
The truth is so cold

A final song, a last request
A perfect chapter laid to rest
Now and then I try to find
A place in my mind
Where you can stay
You can stay awake forever

How do I live without the ones I love?
Time still turns the pages of the book it's burned
Place and time always on my mind
I have so much to say but you're so far away

Sleep tight I'm not afraid (not afraid)
The ones that we love are here with me
Lay away a place for me (place for me)
'Cause as soon as I'm done I'll be on my way
To live eternally

How do I live without the ones I love?
Time still turns the pages of the book it's burned
Place and time always on my mind
And the light you left remains but it's so hard to stay
When I have so much to say and you're so far away

I love you, you were ready, the pain is strong and urges rise
But I'll see you when He let's me
Your pain is gone, your hands untied

So far away
And I need you to know
So far away
And I need you to, need you to know

You might fall down on your face,

Roll the dice and have some faith ...

Tonight ...

... I'm sad.

And I don't even think there's one particular reason for it.

If you asked me why I am sad, I don't know that I could tell you.

A combination of stuff, you know.

The feeling that I'm never going to be good enough.

No one will want me for me ... For who I really am.

One of the units I want to do at uni I can't do ... I can maybe work around that, but working around it throws up yet another challenge, and I'm not sure it's worth the hassle for one unit.

Am I ever going to get finished with uni? I should be finished by this time next year, but ... Really? Can I do it? Will I finish?

It's been 13 months and 10 days, and grief still hits me hard some days. Today, all I could think about was the last family occasion we had with you, the last real party ... And how, you won't be there for the next party. You won't be there.

I'm tired of people making excuses. There's always going to be a reason you can't, there's always going to be an excuse you can use. Why make excuses though? For gods sake, be a grown up. Take responsibility. Stop making excuses.

Well, aren't I just Mary Frigging Sunshine today ... 75% sad, 25% grumpy. I should probably go before I say something I really regret ...

Beach, baby!

I'd rather be at the beach ...

"You know how her mind works - it's like a mouse on a wheel except the wheel spins sideways and the mouse is blind and has a really bad sprained ankle."

Today, I'm having a lazy day.

Partly because I got woken up by a loud noise at 7 after about two hours sleep, and after going out the back to investigate, I discovered that my dogs were not in the yard because the stupid latch on the stupid gate is a bit dodgy. Going to have to replace it, I think, it seems that its rusted a bit and when the wind is kicking up, it wiggles loose.

Great start to the morning!

After putting on some pants and grabbing my keys, I headed out to find my dogs. Luckily, they hadn't wandered far and it only took two minutes.

So, I had a nap halfway through the morning and I'm kind of feeling more human, but not human enough to feel like doing anything. Not helped by the fact that I've got really bad cramps ...

So ... Monk Marathon :-) And I'm in the middle of a good book ...

I was going to organise my spare room/study today, and clean my kitchen, which desperately needs a clean ... Eh. Guess it can all wait.

Hmm ... Back to bed for more Monk, methinks ...

Got my new glasses today.

Whoa.

Totally blowing my mind, man.

Virginia Wolf said ...

“Virginia Wolf said something interesting happens every day. Go write about it.”

Virginia Wolf obviously never lived my life then. Not much of interest happened tod... Wait ... Oh, no ... I was right. Not much of interest, and certainly nothing interesting happened today.

Work was flat out this morning, so flat out in fact that we had both M and K, who usually share the office with me, out in the loader and the truck. I’m used to running the office on Saturdays when it’s a bit quieter, but running the office, and all the trucks, on a Friday morning was a new experience! I think I did ok though, everyone got their loads, no trucks were lost or damaged and all our drivers made it home at the end of the day ... *lol*

One of my sisters rang on Wednesday night, with some big news. My mum turns 50 this year (in March), and sent both the girls an invitation, not expecting them to be able to make the trip (it’s not cheap, and they both have families) ... But ... They are coming! Well, one is J The other is not sure that she can get time off work, but if she can, she’ll catch a flight the same day and the girls will meet in Melbourne, before coming to my place to stay for the night, then travelling onto mum and dads to surprise them. Yes, it’s going to be a surprise, we’re not telling them the sister(s?) are coming! I’m so excited, you can’t wipe the smile off my face! I can’t wait to see them! How am I going to make it to March??!!

Ok, well ... I’ve tried several times to finish this entry ... It’s been sitting up on the screen for the last hour,  needing to be finished and posted ... I do have more to say, but I keep getting distracted by a new book ... And the tennis is on ... And I’m listening to music ... And ... And ... And ...

So here is where I sign off. Maybe tomorrow, when I’ve finished my book (and I will have finished it, because I’m not going to bed tonight until it’s finished) and when there’s not an awesome game of tennis on, maybe I’ll be a little less distracted ...

Peace out, homies.

"I'll bet you've had about enough of people telling how strong you are and how great you're doing during this awful, difficult period in your life. Maybe you'd rather hear someone say how much this sucks, how outrageous and unfair it is. Maybe you'd rather hear someone tell you that you don't have to be strong all the time. Or that it's definitely okay to curse fate and throw a tantrum or two. So here I am to tell you all that stuff and more, to let you know where I stand, which is right in your corner. There's no right way or wrong way at a time like this. However you work through this thing is immaterial to me. All I care about is that you ask for what you need, lean on those who love you, and try to trust me when I say that you'll come out the other side."

Jeannie Hund

Top 5 Regrets of the Dying

"Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness."

Beautifully written article on the top 5 regrets of the dying. Well worth a read. It's actually a book, which I'm currently reading.

Check it out here.

Post title?

Must. Write. More.

There's been a bit happening lately.

I have been writing ... Just not here. Mostly on scraps of paper, in my work diary, in notepads I find laying around at work ...

Work is ... Good. Kind of. *lol*

I actually feel a bit like I'm heading towards the point where I snap, and I don't know what will happen when I do. One of the managers at work is just ... Difficult. That's the only way I can think to describe him. He's a little, little man, and I usually just let him be, don't let him get to me, but lately ... Lately, he's critical and irrational, and just a general pain in the arse.

I think he's resentful of the fact that this job isn't a forever job for me. I am only there as long as it takes to finish uni, and it's like he feels pissed off by that fact. Last week, I was reading a text book in my lunch break, and he had an issue with that. I'm getting tired of the little niggly comments, the criticisms that aren't valid, the complaints about things that aren't my fault or don't have anything to do with me. So towards snapping point we head ... Everybody, take cover ...

Should have some more photos to put up at the end of the week. On Thursday I'm heading to Torquay with a friend to have a splash around, a walk on the beach, and hopefully get some good shots. I can't wait! I love the beach.

Speaking of can't wait ... I booked my holidays the other day with work. 4 weeks from mid-August to mid-September. Dad and I are heading up to Queensland to see the sisters. We're driving, of course, since the old man doesn't fly, so it'll be a looooooong trip (about 4000km), but totally worth it. I've already said the only thing I want to do/see is the Great Barrier Reef. One of the sisters is up near Cairns, and tours for the GBR leave from Cairns. I think I want to do the whole snorkeling thing, but I'm not sure yet. I don't think dad will want to go, so he can just drop me off and hang on his own for the day ... Yep, it's all planned. Now I just have to get to August ... !!!

Summer has finally arrived. It's 8:30 at night and it's still 33 degrees ... Love it.

Get my new glasses at the end of this week. Think that'll get rid of a lot of my headaches. I have to start wearing them all the time, to try and make my left eye work a little harder ... Or something (the optometrist was a little hard to understand). I'm so thankful I have private health insurance ... The first $180 was covered, and I got 2 pairs (one reading, one everyday) for $300, so effectively I paid $120 for two pairs. Score.

I've registered for Relay for Life this year, with my cousins, in memory of Elaine. The girls did it last year, but I was in Queensland, and I promised them I'd do it this year. It's next month, so I'm heading to Melbourne for the weekend. I can't wait. I know it will be emotional, but I also think it will be a lot of fun. I feel like my grief has moved again, for a while there (around the one year mark) I was very emotional and couldn't think about Elaine without crying. I went very quiet for a while there, staying to myself, not talking about it with anyone. I didn't want to look at photos, I didn't want to think of her. It was too hard. Now, I can't think of her without smiling. A lot of old memories are coming back. I can still hear her voice in my mind. On Christmas Day, all I could hear was "Merry Christmas, did the fat man visit you? Ho ho ho" I'm terrified of the day that I can't remember her voice. I know that day will come. But in the meantime, it's easier now to look at photos, to remember.

Bummer. Bernard Tomic just lost. I thought the game would be a little closer, but he gave it his best.

Anyway, I'm exhausted so I should probably head to bed ... Peace out, dude!

Fascinating reading ...

An interesting article on pregnant women on public transport.

The comments are well worth a read ... They are equal parts astounding and fascinating ... And some are quite sad and pathetic.

Whatever happened to common courtesy? Manners?

What is wrong with people these days?!!! 

Goodbye, Kristian.

A beautiful goodbye to an incredible, wonderful and brave man. It was truly a celebration of a beautiful and amazing life.

May you rest in peace, Kristian.

A story on Kristian's farewell can be found here:
http://video.dailytelegraph.com.au/2184063325/Kristian-Andersons-funeral

A video of the tribute from Kristian's wife Rachel can be found here:
http://www.triplem.com.au/sydney/shows/grill-team/blog/video-kristian-andersons-wifes-beautiful-tribute-to-his-extraordinary-life/20120106-fauo.html#ooid=YzOG84MzqhWr32ZbuzofBjeSl3BFaAQ0

Rachel did an amazing job speaking at her husbands funeral. Her heart is irrepairably broken and her life will never be the same, yet she had the strength to say goodbye to him in one of the most beautiful speeches I have ever heard. I cannot even fathom the devastation and grief she must be feeling.

Thoughts are now with the entire Anderson family as they try to adjust to their new normal.

11 best photos from 2011 ...

A gorgeous day at the lake, walking the dog.

Introducing the newest member of our house ... Jesse. Now almost 6 months old.

A beautiful double rainbow after one heck of a storm ...

Supporting Daffodil Day as we continue to mourn the loss of an amazing mother, wife, sister, aunty and friend. Still missing you Elaine. 20/12/2010

One smiley, cute-as nephew who brightens even the darkest day. Just look at that smile! Charley joined our family in March 2011.

Ocean Grove, 28/12/2011.

Try! Fireworks after a Storm try @ Melbourne Storm home game ... Which we won :-)

Love this photo of the Lake ...

Terribly and horribly sunburnt after a day at Ocean Grove in February 2011. Have learnt my lesson and now wear sunscreen even if I'm only out in the sun for a few minutes.

Another adorable newphew who joined our family in 2011 ... Kaleb.

My Christmas tree ... Which took me hours to put up! Getting the lights right was almost impossible ;-)

In 2012, live like a dog!

Some great advice from an email I received recently ...

In 2012, Live Like a Dog!

Live simply.
Love generously.

Care deeply.

Speak kindly.

Remember, if a dog was the teacher you would learn things like:

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure Ecstasy.

Take naps.

Stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently.

ENJOY EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY!

Rest In Peace, Kristian

A beautiful man.

A long fight.

An amzing family.

Kristian Anderson passed away yesterday morning. Thoughts and love are with his family, who are now facing their new reality. Despite how well you think you've planned for it, how ready you think you might be ... Losing a loved one after a long battle - regardless of how long you've had to "prepare for it" - doesn't make it any easier. The grief is no less raw or severe. It still hurts like hell. Kristian touched so many lives, made a massive difference in his short time on this Earth.

Rest in peace, Kristian. You've earnt your rest.