I don't want to be here anymore.

I feel angry, bitter.

I feel like I've been forced out of my home, and that's just so, so upsetting.

I know this is not my house, I know that I was never going to live here forever ... But it's just so hard.

I can't even look at my housemate. I can barely bring myself to speak to her.

I don't hate her or anything. I'm just so upset.

I just want to be out of here already.

I'm tired of being somewhere I'm not wanted, somewhere I don't even feel welcome anymore.

I'm tired of crying every night. I'm tired of feeling akward and out of place.

"Forgiving someone does not mean forgetting what they did. It simply means letting go of the hurt."

I got ...

A house!!

Yes, all the stress of the last few weeks has just floated away!

Yesterday morning I received a phone call to say that an application I put in had been approved.

I'll take some photos when I move in. It's a beautiful house. 3 bedrooms. Awesome kitchen and living area. Huge back yard.

And the best part? Literally a one minute drive from work. Yahoo!

I'm so relieved. So, so happy to be getting out of this negative environment. It will be the best thing for me.

16 days until moving day!

Did you know ...

That Edwin H. Sutherland had a theory that criminal behaviour is learned? And that it is learned in interaction with others who have already incorporated criminal behaviour?

No, I didn't know that either.

And by tomorrow, I probably will have forgotton ol' Eddie's theory that criminal behaviour is learned.

I hate exam revision.

I hate Sociology of Crime. It is the most boring subject known to man.

Better get back to it ... This crap aint gonna just jump into my brain. UGH!

One post about this issue ...

Then I'll put it in a bubble, blow it away and shut the hell up about it ...

I can't get over thinking that my feelings, my needs, are less important than the dogs.

A dog - well, two dogs, actually - are more important than me. Do you have any idea how shitty that makes me feel? Any idea how insignificant and unimportant it makes me feel?

When the dogs came in, on Wednesday night, for the third time in five days, I cried.

I cried because I already felt like utter shit, and bringing them in, as you well know, always makes me feel worse.

I know you think that the allergy is "all in my head", but guess what? I have a reaction to dogs when tested. It is real. I can't help it. I don't like having an allergy to dogs. And I don't want one. But I do. I deal with it.

And I know you think that it's not a big deal. I know you think you can have the dogs in, and not vacuum and I won't be able to tell the difference. But guess what?

I can tell. I can always tell. When I get home, and 10 minutes later my eyes are itchy, or my head is killing me, or my nose is all stuffed up, I can tell. But I don't say anything. What's the point? You think it's all in my head, so what is the point in saying a damn thing?

I'm tired of feeling like the dogs matter more than me. I am a person, damn it. I'm a human being, and I deserve some consideration and respect. I am important, and I matter. My feelings, my pain - they matter.

And yet, to you, I'm not as important as the dogs. I don't matter as much as they do. Do you have any idea how that makes me feel?

You get migranes. How would you feel if I deliberately did something that made you worse when you had one? If I knew exactly what it would do, and I still went ahead and did it anyway?

You would feel like shit. Like your feelings don't matter.

Like I feel right now.

Nightminds - Missy Higgins

Just lay it all down.

Put your face into my neck and let it fall out.
I know
I know
I know.
I knew before you got home.
This world you're in now,
It doesn't have to be alone,
I'll get there somehow, 'cos
I know I know I know
When, even springtime feels cold.

But I will learn to breathe this ugliness you see,
So we can both be there and we can both share the dark.
And in our honesty, together we will rise,
Out of our nightminds, and into the light
At the end of the fight...

You were blessed by a different kind of inner view: it's all magnified.
The highs would make you fly, and the lows make you want to die.
And I was once there, hanging from that very ledge where you are standing.
So I know
I know
I know,
It's easier to let go.

But I will learn to breathe this ugliness you see,
So we can both be there and we can both share the dark.
And in our honesty, together we will rise out of our nightminds
And into the light at the end of the fight.

...and in our honesty, together we will rise out of our nightminds
And into the light... at the end of the fight...

Invisible.

Sometimes I feel so fucking invisible.

Like I could just disappear, and no one would notice. No one would even batt an eye.

 

I want to be somewhere, anywhere but here, because I am so, so desperately unhappy.

 

I feel like shouting, screaming, hitting my arms against a wall ... Anything to make noise, make me feel like I am alive, because at the moment, I feel so disconnected, so numb.

 

I feel like I don't matter in the slightest, I'm not even worth considering or thinking about. Like my sadness doesn't mean a fucking thing, like my pain is insignificant ... Like I am insignificant.

 

I am crying out for help, I want someone to hear me ... But no one is listening.

 

I don't know how much longer I can hold on.

TMI ... But IDC

Ok, so this entry can probably be filed under "Too much information", but, quite frankly, I don't care.
Last year, I went to the doctor because I was tired all the time. Like, exhausted. Constantly. A blood test showed that my iron levels are waaay down. I went back a couple of months ago, and my iron levels had only gone up 1 point, even though I'd been taking iron tablets (when I remembered) and eating steak all the time. Seriously, I was having steak like 6 - 8 times a week (and also? Steak is expensive, yo. It was costing me a friggin fortune).
So, I figured it might be time to go back on birth control, and skip a few periods.
*TMI #1* I have really heavy, usually pretty painful periods, so I figured no wonder I'm never getting ahead if I'm loosing a lot of blood every month. So, I went to my doctor and got a prescription for the Nuva Ring. Can I just say how much I love the Nuva Ring? You put it in, swap it three weeks later, and that's it. So simple. And great for someone like me who can't remember to take the pill everyday (and the pill makes me nauseous). I'm also not interested in any type of injection and/or arm implant because the thought freaks me out. Now I'm thinking about something being implanted in my arm ... Ew. Gross. I can't handle that thought, I don't know why. Freaky.
So. Moving on.
My plan was to go back on/start using the Nuva Ring again, skip my period for a few months (i.e., have no break between rings and go straight from one to the next). I changed my ring about 2 weeks ago, following the plan - going straight from one to the other. Everything was fine until a few (maybe 4 or 5?) days ago, when I got some spotting.

*TMI #2*

-- Don't read any further if blood freaks you out, it gets pretty gross.

So, yes. I got some spotting. Ok, pretty normal, I thought. Then, a couple of days later, it turned into a full period. Heavy, cramping, the lot. It was inconvienient, and I couldn't figure out why I was getting my period, but oh well.

Then, this morning ... About 3 a.m., I woke up with the worst cramps I've ever had. I was on my bed, on all fours, rocking back and forth, crying in pain for about 4 hours.

They were like contractions - or what I'd imagine contractions to be, since I've never had a baby. Intense, shocking pain for a few minutes at a time, followed by maybe five minutes where things settled down, then back to baaad, baaad, baaad pain again.

Finally, at about 7 a.m., I realised why the reason for the pain.

*TMI #3* This is going to be really gross. And it's definitely too much information, but I don't care. Someone might be able to help me, so I'm writing the truth.

At 7, I went to the toilet ... And passed a blood clot the size and thickness of my iPod touch. It was massive, and so disgusting.

The pain subsided a bit after that, but every few minutes or so, I was passing a clot. The first one was the biggest, but the rest were still fairly sizeable.

Quite frankly, it scared the crap out of me.

I ended up taking some aspalgin (asprin and coedeine), which took the pain from an 9 to a 8, so it didn't do heaps, but anything was appreciated.

I got home from work a few minutes early and went straight to bed. I ended up sleeping til 7, which of course means that I'll be awake until about 2 am since I've had a nap.

So, my thinking is that tomorrow, I should probably ring and make a doctors appointment.

I have had this (really, extremely bad cramping and bleeding) happen once before, also just after I started the Nuva Ring for the first time. I don't know whether it is the NR, and my body is adjusting to it, or whether it's something totally unrelated. Has anyone had any experience with the NR? Usually it works great for me, but if it's the cause of this pain, I'll stop using it immediately. I can't live in pain like this. It's unlike anything I've ever experienced before, and it makes me want to scream and cry because it just hurts so bad. Maybe I need to look into other options?

Anyway, sorry for the TMI post. I just needed to get everything out! The pain is still here tonight, but it's down to about a 7, which seems wonderful compared to today. I might go find some painkillers and see if I can get some sleep.

I'm out :-)

Awesome. Dogs are inside, and I already have a headache. Really, really awesome.

Some facebook pages are just awesome ...

"Today, I decided that I want to be a ninja when I grow up. I googled 'ninja school' to see where I can be professionally trained in the art. I followed a link that said Ninja School, and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School."

I'd rather laugh - Linda Richman

Notes from the book "I'd rather laugh" by Linda Richman. I read it a couple of years ago, and going through some old papers today, I found some notes that I took from it. I thought I'd share them here:

"No matter how sad you are today, happiness and laughter are always possibilities for tomorrow."

"Everything important is in your control."

"What does your heart tell you to do?"

"You will always be able to find something to smile about."

"Make time for fun."

"That's what fun is - relief from the pain or boredom of everyday life - if you can have just a little fun today, it's a sign that the future will hold even more fun for you. Fun isn't just fun - it's hope."

"Laugh, sing, dance, do anything to get outside yourself. The pain and suffering are inside, and there you are too, trapped with them. The minute you get outside yourself, you begin to escape the sadness. If you can shoo away the negative and hang onto the positive for five minutes today, maybe you'll do it for half an hour next month."

"You've got to get control over how you respond to life."

My head is pounding tonight. Seriously, just pounding so, so bad. And I just want it to stop. Please. Just for a little while. Just stop.

Roxy the wonder puppy is outside with the boys. I think she'll be fine, she seems to be recovering well from the operation on her tongue. Also, I can't have her inside anymore, she's pretty much the reason why me head is pounding.

That, and my housemate also had the other two dogs inside this afternoon, and didn't vacuume when she put them out.

I get frustrated sometimes. I know she thinks a lot of my allergies are in my head, she feels like she can have the dogs in and I won't be able to tell, but I can tell. I can always tell when the dogs have been in.

I just don't say anything. It doesn't seem worth it.

The last couple of days, I have been much better. I was bad, bad, bad at the start of the week with my allergies. I went through three full boxes of tissues in as many days, I had a rash all over my arms, my eyes were constantly red and watery, and my head was both stuffed up and pounding so very badly.

But then I rang my specialist, and I'm back on steroids and using my inhaler again, but the thing is, I still have an allergy. I'm about 80% better than at this time 5 days ago, but I still have an allergy to dogs. I'm still going to get a headache, my rash will still appear, I will still spend a lot of time sneezing and blowing my nose.

And when my housemate lets the dogs in, then doesn't do anything to reduce the after-effects (e.g. by vacuuming or wiping over surfaces) ... It makes me feel like the dogs are more important to me. Like it's ok that I feel crap when the dogs are in ... That's fine, as long as the dogs are happy. It's all in my head, so why should it matter if the dogs come in, right?

Wrong. I am a human being. Dogs are important to me, I love Roxy more than anyone knows, but humans should come first. I should come first. My health should matter. The effects are not all in my head. You can see me sneezing so hard and so often that I sometimes can't catch my breath. You can see the rash I get, thanks to the dogs. Shouldn't those things mean something? Anything?

Ok, I have to go to bed. Because if I stay up any longer with this headache, I will start crying. Hopefully tomorrow I will feel better.

I'm out.

Money = Stress!

Yes, once again I'm stressed about money. Money, money, money.

It's probably impolite to talk about it on such a public place, but I don't care. This blog is where I write out my worries, and currently money is my biggest worry.

Roxy the wonder puppy had the lump cut off/out of her tongue last night ... $300 later, I got to pick her up this morning.

Thankfully, she seems to be doing ok tonight. She's been very quiet (as in movement wise - noise wise she's been whining all day!) and clingy all day, so hopefully tomorrow she is feeling much better.

Meanwhile, I spent $100 at the chemist on my allergy medication, which I need because the dog is inside, and I'm allergic to the dog, so I feel like shit. So, thanks to the dog, half my pay is now gone. Gone. And I've still got rent, food, dog food, my car loan, an insurance payment, a gym payment and petrol to pay for. UGH.

It'll be ok. I know it'll be ok. I'll make it work somehow. I'm just so stressed.

Ok, better go check on Roxy the wonder puppy. She's in the sunroom at the moment while I dust and vacuume to try and get this allergy headache down a bit.

I'm out :-)

Don't change ... Don't ever change.

Feelin' crappy, but I go back to work tomorrow.

I love that this blog has new life: That I again have somewhere to come, and write what I think. What I really feel.

I haven't heard about the rental property around the corner. Still waiting ...

Do you know what pisses me off?

Well, not pisses me off, but annoys me?

For months, actually longer than months, I've been telling my housemate that whenever she goes to Melbourne, she could drive instead of taking the train.

On Friday, she finally did it. Why? Because this new guy that she's seeing said that she could do it, said she should try.

I don't like it when girls change for guys.

It makes me feel like I'm nothing, like my opinion doesn't matter, that she ignores me the whole time I'm telliing her she could do it, then just because some guy, who barely even knows her, said she could, she does it?? What the hell?

Ok, well ... That's all for today.

So friggin' tired.

I've had weeks to do this assignment, and I left it to the very last minute. It's due today, in about 15 hours time.

I'm so tired I can hardly think, but I need to get it finished. If I don't get it finished before I go to bed, I won't get it done.

Lesson learned the hard way. I won't do this again.

So, so tired.

500 words to go.

Finally ...

... I've uploaded some photos from both Queensland trips - my 10 day visit in February, and my recent 5 day trip to meet baby Charley and see my sister and the kids.

These are only a few of the photos I took ... I think I took maybe 300 - 400 photos all up?

There might be some more photos coming :-)

Queensland - February 2011 Photos (2)

Queensland - February 2011 Photos (1)

Queensland - April 2011 Photos (2)

Queensland - April 2011 Photos (1)

So, so tired. But I can't sleep.

I've been having nightmares. Nightmares where I walk outside and see my beautiful Roxy-dog ... Hurt. Hurt badly.

I hate that the bastard from next door has not only gotten to me, but has scared me so badly that I am dreaming about it.

Twice last night I woke up crying. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this.

I have to write.

I have to write, because if I don't write, I will cry.

I suddenly feel so stressed, so indescribably tense, and I don't know how to deal with this.

I went to have a look at a rental property around the corner this afternoon.

I liked it. It's small, but I don't need anything big. It's nice and neat inside and outside.

I took my housemate, and a friend. They both liked it.

A couple of things stressed me out.

The landlord seemed nice, but I'm terrified about what will happen with Roxy the wonder puppy. They have just done up the gardens. Roxy isn't really a digger, but what happens if she gets into the gardens and wrecks something? She is still a puppy. She's going to wreck stuff.

It's probably a bad sign if I'm stressed out and terrified about what might happen before I even move in, right?

Really unhappy tonight :-(

Ahh, money.

I've never really stressed about money. If I can afford something, great. If not, oh well. I've always managed to find the money to pay my bills. If something breaks, then I replace it when I can. Otherwise I just do without.

I went to Queensland for five days without really thinking about the financial side of things. I figured I'd just make it work. And I did. I don't regret it, I had such a great time.

But since I've returned home (ok, well, since two days ago!) money has been on my mind a lot. I didn't spend a lot of money in Queensland or anything, but I just realised how much money I have to pay out in the next month/couple of months ...

Uni fees and textbooks - both due in the next fortnight.

Next week, Roxy the wonder puppy has to have surgery to have two granulomas (spelling?) removed from her tongue, which is going to COST me.

Moving expenses ... Not only do I need to save for a bond, and most likely a pet bond if I go through an agency, but I also need to pay the first few weeks rent upfront, as well as saving up money for a removalist. There's also some stuff that I'll need to buy (couch, dinner table and chairs, tv cabinet/entertainment unit).

In other words ... UGH. Big, giant UGH.

I'm not really stressed too much about it. I'm just wondering how I'm going to make all the numbers fit, because at the moment, it seems just impossible! I know it'll all work out somehow, I think things are going to be so, so tight for a while, though.

I really don't know what the point of this entry is/was ... I think I just needed to get this out. Writing has really been helping me lately. I feel better now :-)

Baby Charley

More photos to come ...

Home, sweet home.

I made it home safely.

I am exhausted - so tired I am having trouble thinking.

It may have only been 5 days, but it was exactly what I needed.

Tomorrow, it's back to work, back to reality.

I think it might be time for bed. Real update with photos soon :-)