Grief. Sucks.

So, today was a better day. Sort of.

Someone at work today asked me if I was having a better day than yesterday. If I was in a "better mood".

I'm not normally a snappy sort of person, but I felt like snapping at them. What do you people want from me??

It's been one week and one day since I lost my favourite aunt.

Aren't I allowed to have a bad day?

Am I not allowed to be a little sad, a little quiet?

I think that because we all had time off for Christmas, everyone expects things to be back to normal. Because we all had a couple of days off, I'm meant to be back to normal?

Everyone at work keeps telling me what a great Christmas they had. How the kids had fun, or how it was great to spend the day with family, or how they ate too much and had an awesome time relaxing ... Unlike everyone else, my Christmas Day was very quiet. Mine involved tears, so many tears. It involved waiting for the phone call that never came - the phone call from Aunty E that we got every single year ... And more tears when I realised that that call really wasn't coming this year.

Grief sucks. And it's hard.

Bad day.

Today.

Today was a bad day.

This morning, my housemate, who was unusually quiet last night and this morning, finally told me why she was so quiet.

She is a nurse, and Christmas night she worked night shift. She went to help a young girl, who had cancer.

Something went wrong, something went so wrong and the girl died. My housemate and the other nurses and doctors on duty that night fought desperately to save her, but nothing could be done.

It was no ones fault, but cancer had done so much damage to her body that she couldn't be saved.

She was 23.

23.

Fucking cancer.

I hate fucking cancer.

Today is a bad day.

Ups. And downs.

It's true what they say, you know. The grief, it comes in waves.

You think you're doing okay, then something comes up behind you, knocks you off your feet and takes your breath away.

Nighttimes are the worst. In bed, in the dark ... It's just me and my thoughts. The reality hits me every night ... That she's gone.

That the girls have lost their mother.

That I'm never going to hear her voice again.

That we'll never see her beautiful, big smile again.

That all we have now are memories and photos.

...

The grief, it comes in waves.

Tonight, I've been knocked off my feet again.

I miss you, Aunty E. So much.

Today was Aunty E's funeral.

It was heartbreaking ... And beautiful.

It was so very sad .... And amazing.

I think today was the day that it finally hit me. Aunty E, who was always, always smiling, is gone. Aunty E, who was always laughing at something. Aunty E, who was always chatting away about Collingwood and "her" Pies, is gone. Aunty E, my gorgeous, beautiful, wonderful, smiling, happy, Aunty E ... is gone.

Gone. Forever.

At the end of the service, we released black and white balloons for the worlds biggest Collingwood fan. She would have loved it. It made me smile, because it was just so her.

Tonight, the tears are still coming.

Aunty E ... I will love you and miss you, always. You were such an amazing person, and I was blessed to be able to call you my aunty for 27 years. You showed me how to laugh, and how to really live life. You always had a smile on your face and a hug for anyone. Thank you for being you.

You're dancing with the angels now ...

Aunty E passed away at 6 a.m. this morning.

No more pain. No more cancer.

I love you. I miss you.

Wandering Star

Please could you stay awhile to share my grief

For it's such a lovely day

To have to feel this way

Tonight, I can't sleep.

Today, I had a sad day. I spent the day hiding in my room.

Part of me is scared to close my eyes, because I know what's coming. I know it's irrational, but I feel like staying awake will keep away the inevitable. That's stupid, right? I know. There's no way to stop what's going to happen. There's no way to change what will happen - soon.

I've had a few days off work. Tomorrow, I go back. Sundays aren't usually too bad. But I'm dreading it because it's getting harder and harder to put a smile on my face and pretend that everything's okay.

I don't really know what the point of this entry was. Just getting some stuff off my chest, I guess. Maybe I'll try to get some sleep now.

Time is short.

Soon we will say goodbye.

I am sad.

New template ... Don't know if it will last ... Don't know if I like it.

I feel ... Like I'm constantly on edge. The phone rang at 10 o'clock last night, and I freaked out. Who was ringing? What did they want? Was it ... Is Aunty E ... Turns out it was just a friend, wanting to ask a question.

But every time the phone rings, it's the first place my mind goes ...

I'm all out of sorts at the moment. I think I need a hug. Merry friggin Christmas indeed.

Rest in peace, Mikayla.

How much worse is it going to get?

How much longer do you have to suffer for?

I know you're not really there anymore, but knowing that you're still in pain, that there's only so much we can do ... It's cruel. And unfair.

The waiting is the worst ...

12 Strays of Christmas

On their website, the Herald Sun is currently doing "The 12 Strays of Christmas" - a feature showing 12 dogs who need new homes.

If you live in Melbourne/Victoria and are looking for a new dog, why not consider a pound puppy? Most dogs dumped at the pound aren't dumped because there is something wrong with them ... It's usually their owner who is at fault.

Please, please check out the 12 Strays of Christmas or your local pound if you're considering a puppy/dog as a Christmas present to yourself or someone else. And remember, a pet is for life. It's a big responsibility, but man, you get so much love back!

Ahh, Christmas.

Ahh, Christmas. The most wonderful time of the year.

I'm a big fan of Christmas. It makes people happy. For one day, families don't fight. Everyone gets along.

This year I'm pretty much organised with my Christmas shopping. I've just wrapped my brothers present ... His girlfriends present ... A present for my little monkey (my nephew who's going to enter the world in March 2011) ... I've got on layby presents for both my nieces and my older nephew ... For my sister I've layby-ed a nice diamond ring which is half birthday present/half Chrissie present ... And today I went and put $200 on a touch screen computer which will be mum and dad's present. Dad is going to pay the rest, that's his present to mum. And that means I'm pretty much all done! All I have to do is get something for my housemate, and my Chrissie shopping will be done! Yay!

The not-smoking thing is going ok. Kind of. I'd still kneecap an old lady for one. But it's getting a little easier. I don't know whether the headaches that I've been getting this week are from nicotine withdrawl, but holy hell have I had some headaches. Hopefully this too will pass, and soon.

Anyway, my head really, really hurts so I think I'm actually going to have a really early night and go to bed. Party animal? Why yes, I am. Ha ha.

Would kneecap somebodies grandmother for a cigarette. Seriously.

Must. Not. Cave.

So damn sick of rain ...

Random Thoughts

Ohh ... Cramps :-( Bugger.

The dogs are exceptionally badly behaved tonight. Does that sentence even make sense? Probably not. Let me try again. The dogs are being feral little buggers tonight. Better? Yeah, I thought so too.

It's funny how your world can feel like it's falling apart, with bad, bad things happening, but you still put on a happy face and go out and pretend like all is right ...

Touch screen computers are cool. I went looking at them yesterday for my dad who wants to buy mum one for Christmas. Now I want one.

The weather is crappy. Hot and muggy. Why does everyone always talk about the weather?

That's all I've got tonight. I'm deliberately trying not to think ...

Ha!

Overheard at VicRoads

VicRoads employee: well, Darren, I'm sorry to tell you that you didn't quite make it today. You didn't pass.
Darren: why not?
VR E: well, you went straight through the stop sign. You didn't stop, and that's an automatic fail.
D: where was the stop sign?
VR E: just at the corner up here.
Darren shakes his head, confused.
VR E: (with a voice so high she could be Minnie Mouse) YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE THE STOP SIGN?

Personally, I for one am glad that Darren's not yet out on the road, unsupervised. That makes me feel much safer.

No words tonight.